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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

367 replies

Undecided234 · 28/12/2023 01:06

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

OP posts:
qpalbfy · 28/12/2023 08:12

Good grief just tell her you did speak to your brother, honestly I wonder how some people here function in the wild.

Spendonsend · 28/12/2023 08:13

I think she probably thinks the play is a bit old for the daughter but cant say no as the daughter would be left dissapointed now. She is probably blissfully unaware you checked with her dad. He may or may not remember being checked with and may well be willing to throw you under the bus.
I think id be tempted to say i did check with DB but it would also be fine to say nothing.

Babyblackbear78 · 28/12/2023 08:17

Depends on how far you live away. If someone had booked these for my ds I’d now be thinking ‘great I have to find the money for a hotel, food, travel so close to Christmas when the car also has to go in for an mot. Could anything like this be annoying her?

Almondmum · 28/12/2023 08:18

If your sil summons this amount of terror in you why do you text her? I wouldn't bother, I'd just communicate with your brother. Just tell her you consulted him prior to booking and then stop bothering with her. Be polite when you see her obviously but if you can't have a respectful relationship as equals then what's the point?

Pinko1 · 28/12/2023 08:20

Just wanted to say I've seen the show and it's amazing so if they keep moaning, you should go!!!

Snowdogsmitten · 28/12/2023 08:22

“Wow, you’re rude. I did check with my brother. He obviously forgot to tell you.”

I think you need to get over your fear of confrontation with someone like this. She sounds like hard work.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 08:22

Definitely highlight you checked with db. Then text time she assumes you can babysit say you’ll need to check your calendar and she should have checked first before booking.

Icelandic9 · 28/12/2023 08:23

I don't think you should reply tbh

Just leave it now

ShillyShallySherbet · 28/12/2023 08:24

@Undecided234 I don’t think you should reply. Texting back that you checked the date with your brother will just trigger another nasty reply from her, or like you say, she’ll then be angry at your brother if he didn’t tell her. That’s a big IF though. He probably did tell her, she’s maybe annoyed you didn’t check with her. She sounds like the kind of person who will pick fault with anything to try and make herself feel better. She might have the hump that you checked with DB instead of her, or that you gave her DD such a great present that she didn’t think of herself. She might not like the content of stranger things (quite scary for an 11yo). Who knows. Who cares. Her problem. You got your niece a great present that she liked. You sensed her mum wasn’t happy with the gift and offered to change the date. Job done, think no more about it. Do not text her back.

Bookworm1111 · 28/12/2023 08:24

Babyblackbear78 · 28/12/2023 08:17

Depends on how far you live away. If someone had booked these for my ds I’d now be thinking ‘great I have to find the money for a hotel, food, travel so close to Christmas when the car also has to go in for an mot. Could anything like this be annoying her?

Good point. Plus it’s half term week so that’s also expensive if you have to factor in holiday club or activities.

glasslightly · 28/12/2023 08:25

To be fair I can see your SIL’s perspective on this , if she thinks you didn’t check dates (and I’m assuming this doesn’t mean extra cost for them re travel, hotel). It’s also the last Sunday in half term for many so not a day I would usually want to be out late on. As others said tell him you checked with DB.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 08:25

How on earth do people read so much into something Grin People have worked out "what kind of person" SIL is based on some really quite innocuous words. She has every right to say check first and that doesn't mean she's jealous, or nasty or being bitchy.

FlamingoQueen · 28/12/2023 08:25

Perhaps she wanted to take her dd herself? Great present though! Don’t offer to change the date again. They obviously don’t have plans.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 28/12/2023 08:26

Sandia1 · 28/12/2023 01:27

You sound like such a lovely and considerate aunt. Your SIL is being ungrateful and mean. I agree that you definitely need the last word on this by saying you did check the date with your brother- she shouldn't get away with being rude about this. And next time she expects you to babysit last minute, use her phrase back at her. I would have given your niece one ticket and taken her yourself.

Edited

This.
Sil sounds a pita. Hope she doesn't read this this on Mumsnet lol. Xx

marcopront · 28/12/2023 08:29

DocOck · 28/12/2023 07:49

Also - I feel like I'm reading a different message to everyone else as I don't get where she's "pissed off" or jealous or anything else. I think her message was perfectly acceptable if she had no idea that you'd already checked.

I agree with you.

If SIL didn't know you had checked with DB her message is reasonable.

Your issue should be with him for not telling her.

Peach0123 · 28/12/2023 08:30

OP, I said YABU only because of you wondering whether you should stand up for yourself and questioning changing dates.

That sounds like a great present for your DN! Checked in advance with DB (the only thing I would say to SIL tbh). Offer to take her if your free, that way you know she will definitely get to enjoy the show. Sounds amazing. If it helps I find sometimes that if leaving organising/events to my DP info is not always passed on to others or to me could this be the case here? Just thinking of why such a great gift would be an issue.

ShillyShallySherbet · 28/12/2023 08:31

Perhaps check in with your DB that he checked with her, say she seems upset about the gift.

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 08:31

Shes jealous..pure n simple

PussInBin20 · 28/12/2023 08:31

I think she has misunderstood. The tickets are already booked but it seems she thinks that is the date/time you are just proposing and that is why she wants you to check with them. Otherwise why can’t she just ok it all now and put it in the diary?

charabang · 28/12/2023 08:31

I'd just send her a thumbs up amd make myself unavailable for future babysitting gigs. Silly cow!

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 28/12/2023 08:32

🙄You seem determined to create drama with your SIL even though she hosted you all on Christmas Day.

Stop dissing your SIL when you should be annoyed with your DB for not communicating properly with his wife.

Text her back and tell her that you did discuss this back in March with DB and he said to go ahead and buy the tickets. No need to keep offering to change the dates.

She can bollock her husband for not keeping her informed, as is common with most husbands that I know. “Oh, didn’t I tell you xxxx?”

thatone · 28/12/2023 08:33

I would let it go now. You gave a lovely gift. You checked beforehand. SIL does not seem thrilled but the dates seem to work and niece will be happy. We cannot make everyone happy and that is not our job. The main thing is that niece can go and will hopefully enjoy it.

Try not to let SIL's reaction spoil it and I would agree with a PP who suggested saying next time you see her that you did check with DB.

Hadjab · 28/12/2023 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The misogyny, internalised or otherwise, is strong in this one…

ssd · 28/12/2023 08:34

Maybe SIL feels a bit put on for hosting you all on xmas day

Bestyearever2024 · 28/12/2023 08:37

@Undecided234 - text back and say ' I checked with DB last March, but I'll make sure to check with both if you next time '