To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

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Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

Why are you blaming SiL for DB's failure to pass on a message about the event or dates? Why did you not simply say "I did check the dates/content with DB"?

If I was caught short on someone giving an experience type gift to a child I might well say "will check the dates" because I'd want to check its suitability as well as practicalities. The reaction doesn't seem that odd on behalf of a child if DB didn't pass on the message.

I've known people like this. They are so determined to feel hard done by that they turn themselves into pretzels to find something to be victimised about

This made me laugh. I do too. It’s exhausting.

There's some major projecting going on in this thread! Not to mention the sexism.

If your brother didn't tell his wife about the tickets, it was a surprise to her when DN unwrapped them. She could have been taken aback by your generosity in the first instance, closely followed by questions of how convenient it will be to go to the show and is it suitable for an 11 year old? Hence the sharp question.

As for the follow up text, well if your brother hasn't told her about their conversation then I see nothing wrong with it. It's the sort of text that people on here would have recommended!

“No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Sounds like she doesn't realise it is booked.

Just reply with, "it's already booked for the 18th (I checked with DB before I actually booked it in case it wasn't a suitable show for DN), so let me know if that's not a suitable date, and we can move it"

If your brother didn't tell his wife about the tickets, it was a surprise to her when DN unwrapped them. She could have been taken aback by your generosity in the first instance, closely followed by questions of how convenient it will be to go to the show and is it suitable for an 11 year old? Hence the sharp question.

Odd that the DB didn’t speak up during the unwrapping though, or later on during the day itself if he was not in the room at the time?

I came here to say exactly this. She is feeling a bit jealous you got an amazing gift and instead of being happy for her daughter she’s focussed on how much better your gift is compared to the ones she got for her. 🙄 Agh families.

Please don't just leave it. Put your big girl pants on and just message back 'I did ask DB. Glad the dates work' or something similar as suggested earlier.

This OP - you have done a lovely thing and you DID check so you are not at fault at all and she is being a bit of an arse. Do not be frightened off by her.

In hindsight buying somebody tickets for a concert so far in advance isn't such a good idea IMHO. Especially for a child as the parent will be the one responsible for lifts there and back. Sounds like the brother hadn't communicated with your sil. So it isn't your fault. I would stop texting and ring her up. But I think you should have mentioned it to her as well.

Oh and text her straight away instead of stewing on it. She can take it up with your brother if she has an issue.

but maybe just check with us before booking

DB said the date was OK when I asked him back in XXX, but it's flexible so please let me know if you want it changed :)

Pretty much all tickets for anything decent have to be bought really far in advance these days. And I think OP is taking her.

And even if the parents do need to be involved in some way, she checked with the child’s parent! You talk like the DB would not be lifting a finger to sort out the practicalities come the time- why assume this?

Can you also tell her that if she’s not happy with the gift that you will gladly take it back from DN and get her something else that her mum approves of?

And then don’t be available to babysit next time she drops it on you.

I don't know why you didn't say at that point that you did check with your brother. You should have said then not wait and go back later. I haven't read through this whole thing so I don't know if there's anything further happened but I wouldn't be so readily available to look after her kids at the drop of a hat

I'm going to try again to defend SIL. And yes I'm projecting.

Her useless husband didn't think to mention that fun Aunty has booked theatre tickets for Feb half-term, thus buggering up her own plans. And because useless, cowardly husband hasn't coughed to knowing all about the wheeze but being too daft to mention it, SIL is blaming OP.

Given that SIL has hosted OP's side of the family amidst this she is probably one of the posters with a never again thread. And is very probably studying the how to dispose of a body thread with keen interest.

Sending SIL

OP you really do need to make it clear to her that you checked with DB/DBIL.

Stop being so wet and subservient. Text a simple "I ran it by John before booking, he must have forgotten to tell you". Full stop, no excuses, no apologies, no offer to date change, just the hard facts.

What’s this “summon up the courage” nonsense? It is not courageous to respond evenly with the fact that actually you did check! You have done something lovely for your niece, don’t ruin it for yourself by being so dramatic.

I'd be seething, how rude is she. Yeah tell her thanks, I did check.

( pp is right, stop offering to change it)

I think you’re taking offence where none is intended. Your Db ought to have checked with her, you did nothing wrong.

Definitely nothing for OP to be texting SIL about then. She checked with DB and if shes taking the niece text DB about all other arrangements relating to it then.

It's too late now, you can't text a reply on the Friday after it happening on Xmas day. Like I said, you should have told her AT THE TIME that you spoke to your brother about it.

I agree, you need to grow a backbone.

Middle of Feb is half term ? Even if they had no plans it may be inconvenient?
I agree that parents should be checked with before booking this kind of thing. She just doesn't know you did actually check ! So tell her

Any chance she could be upset you bought her daughter such an awesome gift ? As in a bit of the green eyed monster ?

if shes going to be the one left organising the trip and taking DD to the show I dont know why DB was the one you checked with.

Why on earth would it be OP’s concern to find out which parent would be doing the practical bit? That’s probably not even decided yet anyway. It’s completely normal to communicate more with your actual sibling than their spouse. You obviously assume that they will discuss between themselves. I am getting really annoyed at the sub text here that a mere man has no ability to make judgment calls or arrangements in relation to his own child, and should be bypassed in favour of the mother as the true decision-maker.

Again, phone your brother OP and have this out with him! (In the usual sibling frank- talking but loving way, am not suggesting an argument here).