To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

[Undecided234]

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

My first thought was she is not sure its a suitable show for her dd but has to let her go now she has seen the tickets. Your dB probably put no thought into whether it was suitable or not. You sound quite intimidated by this sil so l am surprised you didn't check with her rather than dB. I am not familiar with the content but she may not want her dd seeing it.

DB hasn't actually checked (or mentioned it but not properly)..

She's pissed that a/its a better gift than she gave and b/ its an obligation on her part to take her kid to this and she doesn't want to.

Adds up to 'stroppyarseitis'.

I would just say to her, "Sorry SIL, I feel there has been some miscommunication, I did check with DB prior to booking so he was fully aware of my plan to book the tickets and a rough date, I'm sorry if this was not communicated to you but I did try to be respectful of asking first"

I wish my son had had an aunt as lovely and thoughtful as you, you sound amazing and your sil is an arse.

I think we have the same SiL 😂

Don't let her blatant jealousy of your brilliant gift get you down, she's an arsehole. Isn't the first time she's done this is it @Undecided234?

I wish you were my sil, you sound so sweet and considerate. ❤
I hate conflict because I see it as a waste of time I could be happy, but I'm to stubborn to shy away from it so I've locked horns with mine a few times, she's like yours, will drop nephews off without checking, but then make sly digs about our activities*, she refuses to acknowledge my DD because she suffered "gender disappointment". Poor bil sent her a selfie with our baby and she sent back a voice note screaming he was rubbing her face in it that she never had a girl. 🙄
I knew sil's family before I met her and they're such a lovely bunch, she's just ... a twat 😂

I bet you your niece absolutely loves you and it pisses her off, some people are really put out that other people love their kids! You see here it happens loads, especially the stepparent board, some stepmums are treated horribly!
You just crack on being lovely and just go through DB now, tbh I'd bounce everything back to him.

*walking in local woods, getting filthy and home for baths and pizza, you'd think I put stella in their bottles and gave them cocaine laced haribo.

🤣🤣 I loved reading all the sensible suggestions then I just came across this banger haha.

Seriously OP, let her know you already spoke to your brother in bloody March. No clue why she’s so pissed

One of the short and sweet 'DB okayed the date when I booked the tickets' messages PPs have suggested is sufficient.

Some people like to assert their dominance. Sounds like this is what DSIL is doing. It might be jealousy or it might be a control thing. It is quite likely she knew and had forgotten.

Missing the point of the thread entirely but I saw this a few weeks ago with my 13 DD. It's amazing you will have a great time!!!!

I wouldn't be offended, I don't see anything wrong in her messages - you might have checked with your DB but he clearly didn't tell her. I'd probably be a bit irked by that too as we have very busy weekends and lots of plans and it's me that has to arrange and juggle everything, maybe it's the same for your SIL. Sounds like your DB is the issue in this.

Also - I feel like I'm reading a different message to everyone else as I don't get where she's "pissed off" or jealous or anything else. I think her message was perfectly acceptable if she had no idea that you'd already checked.

I don't think you've done anything wrong, but I'm not surprised that SiL has been less than enthusiastic about the tickets being sprung on her due to her husband's incapacity to communicate.
How easy is it for you to get to the theatre? If someone sprung the fact I was going to need a weekend in London, and a hotel room in less than 2 months time, with an unknown date, combined with an excited child, I wouldn't exactly be thrilled.

Surely all you needed to do was reply to her text reiterating that you DID (spoke with your brother in march) and you told her on X day the date could be changed if it didn't suit!
She was being bitchy but just turn it back on her and make her look the silly one!

Are you maybe very sensitive? This seems like a total nothing. All uou had to say at the time, or even on text was yup. Checked with brother. It shouldn’t be a big scarey deal.

I bought the same tickets for myself, DP and DC for Xmas and the cost was more than £400. She may be upset she couldn’t afford to buy the tickets herself and feels undermined. That’s of course not your fault but as a parent it’s sometimes hard seeing well off relatives swoop in and give your DC expensive treats you wish you could afford.

Im on the fence here too as you indicated it’s possible the show might not have been suitable…. You have checked and decided it is but Sil might not agree. And she doesn’t know you asked your brother. And also as others have said if they are taking her it’s the expense of getting there etc….

im not sure why you are being so wet about just saying you asked your brother either …

Probably just a bit jealous at such a lovely present.

Did you point out to SIL that you did run it by your brother, her husband??

Also, the show age recommendation is 12+ so she may not feel it’s appropriate for their DD but doesn’t want to be the bad guy in saying no - maybe they’ve already had a conversation about waiting? That’s not on you though, that’s on your DB.

I did speak to DB. Maybe up the communication in your relationship.
See you soon.

🙈😂

You just have to say "ah ok I did talk to DB about it quite a bit and assumed he'd discussed it with you but next time I'll make sure to ask you instead"

Who cares if your DB gets it in the neck for not talking to her about it

Don't make a big deal of your response. The simple "yes, I did check with DB before booking" is all you should say. Expanding on that would just come across as defensive or making the issue bigger than it needs to be.

Definitely message back a confused - 'but I checked with db?'

She's either annoyed you got a gift that requires some life admin (although assuming you are taking her very little) or annoyed you get this special outing to do with dn. or bothered you didn't ask permission first.

This sort of thing happens in my dh family all the time. His brother is a terrible communicator, especially with his wife. If we check. Anything for his kids with him he agrees and then won't think to mention it to her.

If we check with her first we get a passive aggressive comment about it being his family just check with him. No way for us to win. She's also easily offended, she once took huge offensive as mil bought her daughter a doll that was wearing a hoody top, she decided mil was having a pop at her family with it! It was just a doll

Sounds like your brother is the issue here. From SIL’s pov you didn’t check, she may have doubts about the suitability of the show but now the tickets have been given it’s hard for her to change anything.

You did check and I suspect your brother just failed to mention it and may now have forgotten or else is still not mentioning it for an easy life.

I’d reply “glad the date is ok. I checked with DB on [date]”. I’d probably also screenshot the communication you had with your brother and attach it, although not doing so would be the non-arsey approach.