To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

[Undecided234]

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

This is all that’s needed!

Having been to see the show, I’m not really sure it’s appropriate for an 11 year old which might be a bigger issue!

Your SIL sounds like a Stranger Thing ...what a total bitch.

Are you taking their DD or is her Mum going to be forced to sit through it?

A simple ' oh bugger, did DB not double check the date with you????? Glad it's okay anyway x',, would suffice.
Points out you DID check, but basically don't give a flying fuck anyway - win win 😁

It sounds like she just likes to be in control of her and her kids schedule to be honest, rather than 'jealousy'. Not everyone's easy going or likes when other people sign them up for things they may not actually want to to (even if the kids want to), if travel isn't included then that's extra expense, as is food, and it may take up a whole day - that just may be how she sees it.

Obviously she's not been particularly subtle or gracious and that's not ideal but it doesn't strike me as some deep thing, or a need to raise that she's a 'dragon' and so on. I'm sure your adult DB can stick up for himself or just discuss their family plans with her himself if she does find it a real issue. I'd just leave yourself out of it, it was a generous gift and the DC will presumably have a good time however much of an inconvenience she may find it.

Two can play at that game - although you sound like a nice person and you probably won’t do this - but how about a reply “oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I did worry that you looked a little concerned [as your face looked like a slapped ar** ]when she opened her present. Honestly that brother of mine - I did tell him about the gift as I was so excited [don’t have a go at me I’m like a little puppy] that I could get such good tickets [yes it’s a fab present and I’m the best Auntie]He assured me there was no problem. Lots of love ❤️

Who is taking niece? Maybe she feels nervous about a London trip.

A very simple reply, OP.

“Yes, I checked with DB before I bought them.”

You don’t need to account for your brother failing to tell her about them. You don’t need to check again about the date. You don’t need to defend yourself or pander to her grump. Just state the fact and move on.

You sound like a lovely aunt.

"I did check with your husband months ago."
Think your thoughtful gift and generosity may be too much for her. Not your problem.
And stop offering to change it.

Wait…so, she may not actually know that you spoke to your bro first? In which case, I don't see her being all that unreasonable, even if it is still six weeks away and you could technically rearrange…as soon as she understands that you had already sorted it out with her hubby, she’ll be fine.

How would she be controlling?

OP talked to her DB about this in MARCH. He had 9 months to discuss OP’s gift with his wife.

The bar is so low it is in hell.

No one here can seriously say they wouldn’t expect their husband to inform them of such a gift between those nine months and vice versa.

So many posters rather find fault in the SIL and call some person they don’t know a b**ch when by OP’s words she doesn’t seem to know anything about this gift and even OP is hesitant to tell her because she doesn’t want her DB to be told off when he absolutely should for not saying anything and causing this whole mess in the first place.

This whole thing would have likely gone entirely different where OP probably wouldn’t have written a post to begin with if DB communicated with his wife like a decent husband and brother about what OP was planning and it would have all been planned for and sorted by time the niece received the gift.

You’re lovely, she’s not! It’s her that should be apologising, for being so rude and ungrateful.
stop running around trying to keep her happy, when you’re getting nothing back.
I wish I had a SIL like you!

As long as DN likes the gift, that’s all that matters.

Why do you need to "summon up the courage"?

There are many good posts here that you can just copy, paste and send e.g. @BabyYoshke response is perfect and straight to the point.

I'm assuming you've text back already now but I'm with those asking why you need to summon up the courage?

Just text back

"I'm unsure what you mean as I checked with DB first?"

That leaves her to explain herself both with why she made a judge,ent without checking facts and highlights that she's making an issue over something she admits isn't actually an issue.

Move on OP, I wouldn’t give it so much thought or do anything more. Next time, I would just go through her, rather than DB. If babysitting dates don’t work for you, tell her at the time.

I'm a little surprised that "a massive Stranger Things fan" wouldn't already have made arrangements to see this show?

Wow.
Disgusting way to speak about someone you have never met!

This. No need to make a saga out of it.

You sound as though you were trying to do a lovely thing for your niece, but, just throwing this out there as an alternative possibility…this is what happened to me.

A relative bought DS tickets to a kids show in the theatre. They were a huge act, global, very popular with toddlers. On the face of it, front row seats…what a great idea!

For me though, the surprise included having to arrange time off work, find transport to the theatre which was about 4.5 hours away by car. I had to pay for all of the travel expenses and food, which I could barely afford at the time and I was doing it all by myself, as my relative couldn’t stretch to purchasing more than the two tickets.

DS had a great time, and got to have his photo taken with his favourite musician…but I kept my fingers crossed that no one would buy us tickets for anything ever again and fortunately they didn’t. Someone almost bought DH and I London musical tickets but I managed to stop them in their tracks.

So it probably isn’t controlling or jealousy, it’s just inconvenient, expensive and often annoying for the parent to have to make time for perhaps?

This

Might it be because stranger things is not suitable for an 11 year old? I know a lot do watch it but really it’s not suitable.

just thinking the same

I would screenshot your conformation with DB if it was via messaging and send it to her and I doubt she'd reply.
Or if you want to treat lightly say "I did check it with DB who approved the date, but if he didn't pass the message on to you then next time I will ask you directly or make a group chat about it x"
Sorted.

If she's enough of a dragon to take it out on DB after that then he should get with a nicer partner or use a family calendar, his life to resolve- not yours.