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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

367 replies

Undecided234 · 28/12/2023 01:06

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate23 · 28/12/2023 11:31

She's probably gutted you found a great present that she didn't think of.

My first thought!

Most plans aren't that important you couldn't reschedule with two months notice, surely?! She sounds like a bitch.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 11:32

CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 10:17

A trip to the theatre isn’t just the ticket though is it.

It costs us the same amount again or more, when you factor in transport, parking, grabbing some food depending on the timing of the show, time off needed if we were working.

Are you covering that too OP?

Are you picking up your niece and taking her, all expenses paid?

Surely the point of the present is that it's a trip with Aunty and it'll be an evening showing no doubt so after school / work. Why would she buy two tickets for something her niece likes and then expect someone else to go instead?

Tempnamechng · 28/12/2023 11:34

You need to reframe this as you have a crap brother who didn't pass on to his wife the fact that his sister is taking their dd to a West End show. It's all a bit ott.
Everyone who is responding that you should have checked with the female parent, not the male parent needs to get themselves over to the feminist board for a little bit of much needed unconditioning 😉

CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 11:39

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 11:32

Surely the point of the present is that it's a trip with Aunty and it'll be an evening showing no doubt so after school / work. Why would she buy two tickets for something her niece likes and then expect someone else to go instead?

Show quote history

Well the OP hasn’t said, has she?

I’m sure she’ll come back and clarify…

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 11:39

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 11:32

Surely the point of the present is that it's a trip with Aunty and it'll be an evening showing no doubt so after school / work. Why would she buy two tickets for something her niece likes and then expect someone else to go instead?

Show quote history

The OP says that it’s on a Sunday at 3pm.

I agree with you though.

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 11:43

The OP hasn't clarified who is taking her, if its the OP great!

remo · 28/12/2023 11:43

I would be a bit stressed about someone booking events due to dates but you e checked they can be changed and said it multiple times which would alleviate that. I wouldn't bother texting back now. It will simply escalate and no one will win. She's probably just jealous that you bought DN a gift she was excited about.

Tip toeing around someone like this and constantly appeasing them sets you up for a future of this which you will not be blessed to take. Do get a backbone and start setting boundaries. She doesn't treat you the way she would expect to be treated. Next time sil books something and assumes you will be babysitting tell her you have plans and that she should check before booking, no further explanation or going back and forth required.

LetMeGoogleThat · 28/12/2023 11:43

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 11:30

Why would you assume she's booked it for far away and just left them with two tickets to sort everything. At that age I got my niece theatre tickets plenty of times. I'd sort with my sister picking her up from home or town if her Dad could assist, I'd feed her, cover her train fare and bring her back to the door in a taxi. And the shows at enough local venues I doubt she's picked one far away where Mom and Dad are expected to decamp for a week there.

Show quote history

Erm, for the same reason that you are assuming that it's the whole trip being provided by the OP 🤔

The OP has been asked this question repeatedly, but has not posted again to update.

I guess, we are allowed to draw different conclusions from the same set of limited facts.

Mikimoto · 28/12/2023 11:44

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 11:27

She's a huge fan,where else has she been watching it?

It's possible Dad encourages and Mom disapproves but the show isn't actually agel limited I don't think

Show quote history

The TV series is classified "15" by the British Board of Film Classification.

Dillane · 28/12/2023 11:46

BabyYoshke · 28/12/2023 01:10

‘I checked with DB when I booked it - he must have forgotten to tell you.’

And stop offering to change it!

This

XmasCrumble · 28/12/2023 11:51

Christ you don't need to 'summon the courage' to just text back and say 'oh I did check with DB when I booked it'. Perfectly normal response to her comment. Then just leave it, you've done nothing wrong

luckylavender · 28/12/2023 11:51

@Undecided234- don't apologise to her OP. Just tell her you checked with DB & let them sort it. This is not on you.

phoenixrosehere · 28/12/2023 11:56

Will summon up the courage to text SIL back tomorrow and point out that it was booked back in March and did mention it to DB first- hopefully she doesn’t then take it out on DB!

Why shouldn’t she, if from the look of things he didn’t tell her? He is her husband and should have informed her of what you were planning so this whole situation didn’t arise in the first place.

If any of DH’s siblings were planning something for our kids, DH would tell me about it or mention it to me the moment they were doing so, even more so if it’s an event that will need to be placed in the diary. It making sure we both know and are on the same page.

You write that he likely didn’t tell her but seem more annoyed with SIL and being negative about her in your first post when the reason for her actions is likely his fault.

Dotcheck · 28/12/2023 12:15

CuriousGeorge80 · 28/12/2023 01:27

“I did check with DB. Glad the date works.”

⬆️

wronginalltherightways · 28/12/2023 12:16

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 10:46

And that, ladies, is how we prop up the learned incompetence of the patriarchy!

FFS.

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yep, more work for the women-folk

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2023 12:25

Text her back (or phone her, whichever you are happier doing) and say to her that you checked with your brother (her DH) back in March before buying the tickets and because you bought them so early you had your choice of the seats (or try to put a positive spin on getting the tickets early).

Don't suggest that you will exchange the tickets because you might not be able to do that but do make it clear that you did check before you bought the tickets.

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 12:57

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 10:46

And that, ladies, is how we prop up the learned incompetence of the patriarchy!

FFS.

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@KingsleyBorder - I hope it gave you pleasure to try to demean someone for pointing out how things are, rather than rant about how we would like them to be. Best regards of the season to you.

zingally · 28/12/2023 13:04

Stop tip-toeing around this woman.

You've offered 3 times to change the date, which does make it feel a bit "did I over-step? I'm sorry. We can change it."

That all being said... Theatre tickets are a big deal. You've committed the family to a whole day out, in London, in a month that is likely to be cold, dark and wet. How are they going to get there? If there are only 2 tickets, what is the rest of the family doing that day?
There's a whole lot of extra cost/consideration/brain-space taken up by this gift, that is now on the mum (most likely) to think about.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2023 13:32

Ktime · 28/12/2023 10:23

How is OP blaming the SIL? It’s the SIL blaming OP when she should blaming her own husband.

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The title of the thread is "To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece"

The whole of the OPs first couple of posts is about the SiL's reaction of insufficient gratitude for Disney aunt's gift, which if the DB had not passed on the info is entirely understandable.

The SiL has been called everything from selfish to an "ungrateful cow" (the stock MN descriptor for any woman who fails to show undying gratitude for anything) when its entirely the DB who is at fault for failing to communicate. Then compounded by the OP for failing to simply say "I checked with DB did he not pass the message on?" at the time.

The one person who is not in the wrong here is the SiL for doing what any sensible parent would do - check the actual arrangements someone else has made for an 11 year old without apparently running it by the parents.

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 13:37

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 12:57

@KingsleyBorder - I hope it gave you pleasure to try to demean someone for pointing out how things are, rather than rant about how we would like them to be. Best regards of the season to you.

Show quote history

Every time a woman normalises this shit as “it is what it is”, a fairy dies.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 13:39

100% agree @C8H10N4O2

jannier · 28/12/2023 13:42

BabyYoshke · 28/12/2023 01:10

‘I checked with DB when I booked it - he must have forgotten to tell you.’

And stop offering to change it!

This

Bookworm1111 · 28/12/2023 14:31

Well said @C8H10N4O2!

LaurieStrode · 28/12/2023 14:34

zingally · 28/12/2023 13:04

Stop tip-toeing around this woman.

You've offered 3 times to change the date, which does make it feel a bit "did I over-step? I'm sorry. We can change it."

That all being said... Theatre tickets are a big deal. You've committed the family to a whole day out, in London, in a month that is likely to be cold, dark and wet. How are they going to get there? If there are only 2 tickets, what is the rest of the family doing that day?
There's a whole lot of extra cost/consideration/brain-space taken up by this gift, that is now on the mum (most likely) to think about.

I thought the OP was taking the child to the event.

LonelynSad · 28/12/2023 14:38

My god! Allllllll this dancing around just to avoid saying simply "I did, I checked with DB"
I've only just joined MN recently and I'm truly, truly astounded by the number of people on here who simply do not respond to normal conversations which most of the time aren't even arguments... Perfectly regular adult conversations. Use your words!

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