To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

[Undecided234]

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

@Characterbunting

"Maybe just check with us before booking" is a bit of a ticking off, isn't it though?

Not really
I think it is a reasonable request from a parent.

@Undecided234 I do think you should have messaged SIL back immediately to say “Oh, I arranged the dates with DB months ago”

I am not sure why posters are going on about transport costs, I had assumed you were taking DN yourself, is that the case?

Exactly, go back to smoke signals or carrier pigeon, much more manly! 🙄

Honestly, bore off. Text is a preferred method of communication and theres nothing wrong with it.

‘It’s been booked and I did check with DB before doing so’

Exactly what I was thinking. Hates that someone else has thought of it, so is trying to find something to take issue with.

OP - Just tell her you did check... with her dad!

You sound like a marvellous Auntie. Please could you "Auntidopt" my 12 Year old? x

Depends how much you want to get into it with her. Either it’s a simple reply of you may want to speak with your DH as I did check a year ago or it’s a reply saying I feel like I did something wrong, is there an issue.

Hard to know what the problem is apart from maybe you bought the better pressie?

It's possibly the beginning of half term and she was hoping to go away maybe but then it's your brother's fault for not checking with her first.

I wouldn’t text back. If she raises it again say you did check with DB months ago. She sounds put out that DB didn’t check it with her and/ or jealous about the reaction you got from DN for the awesome gift! Ignore her- you’ve won some serious cool auntie points with the gift!

just reply and say I checked with my brother and he was fine with it. Not your problem, don’t give it a second thought.

Just reply that you did check with your brother before you booked anything - if he gets into 'trouble' then either he's a wet fish or she's controlling...

Drop your DB in the sh*t! I would!

”Apologies, checked with DB back in March prior to booking, assumed he would have confirmed with you”

It would indeed be a reasonable request if the booking was to take place in the future.

As it is - when OP has already booked - it's clearly intended as a rebuke. (SIL is unaware that OP did, in fact, check with her DB.)

I mean, it's not even subtext is it? She's quite clearly telling OP that the way she went about doing the booking was wrong.

With absolute respect OP, I do think you’ve given this too much thought. I recognise this because I can also fall into the same trap sometimes!

But as humans we often tend to make other people’s reactions / actions about ourselves, when in reality there could have been many number of reasons of her own why she has that response. Also the communication issue here is clearly between her and DB.

Although I can’t speak to what your day to day experience is like with her and I may have missed out details from the first post, but I do remember you saying she expects you to babysit without actually checking with you first.

If it was me I’d probably just respond short and sweet “I did check with DB, he confirmed the day was fine”. And leave it at that. She’ll either be annoyed at DB or if she’s annoyed at you then I’d leave her to it - that’s her own sh*t to deal with and you haven’t done anything wrong at all. But either way, I’d send a quick text back and then pay no mind. And maybe do this in future too, particularly when you need to enforce boundaries if you’re roped into last minute babysitting!

I’m sure your DN is absolutely over the moon with the present, what a lovely gift.

This - but without the word apologies!!

I think people are being a bit deaf about the SIL here. Of course OP, tell her that you checked with your brother, but we all know that in a lot (possibly most) relationships, even where the father is a very involved parent, does his share around the house etc, organising trips, concerts, dentists, doctors etc, etc, falls on the mother. SIL could already be feeling the strain of organising things and the logistics of getting there and back. Clearly, checking with your brother still meant she didn’t know and that speaks volumes. You gave your niece a lovely present, but you also gave your SIL yet another thing to organise/negotiate. This applies even if the date can be changed. On something that will involve ‘more work’ for her, maybe check with her beforehand.

No dear not the smoke signals, the actual telephone. Remember it you phone someone and you speak voice to voice.
You can't tell the tone through a text message it's a cop out for something like this.

Advising to call so theres no confusion of intent/tone is very different from implying that only women texts and never men. As if texting is somewhat beneath men and they'd never silly themselves with it.

She should “take it out on DB” if he didn’t bother to mention it to her!

She’s jealous you bought a great present…ignore her!

On second thoughts, sil clearly thinks nothing of sending you pass agg texts - I’d send her one back.

Oh I wondered what I had done to upset you - I actually checked with db last March. Never mind, I’ll make sure to give physical presents and not tickets in future to avoid hassle for you.

If you feel hurt op, you let her know or she’ll have the green light to continue treating you like this.

I find now that silence speaks volumes especially with bullies. Don’t rise to it - as soon as you respond you’re in the web and will carry on worrying about what she’ll write next. She clearly doesn’t care what she says! But won’t enjoy it if you simply ignore her silliness. Do mention to your brother that she seemed to not know about it / sent a slightly odd text - but she doesn’t really deserve a response from you to this. Harder said than done but you’ll feel much happier letting it float away 🙂
Knowing MN is behind you!

Hopefully you’ve text her and it’s already sorted out.
It sounds like DB didn’t mention it to her hence her saying to check with them before booking. I don’t think she is telling you off, I would say the same thing because our weekends are often taken up with various things and I wouldn’t want someone to spend money on something we might not be able to attend.

Perhaps there’s a dynamic of the inlaw family imposing things on her? Arranging fun things with the kids and expecting her to fit in with them? Next time just check directly with your SIL as your brother obviously doesn’t pass on messages / communicate well. I’ve had a few issues like this where I have had to fit in around plans my inlaws made with my husband and no one tells me about. It is really annoying so maybe there’s some of that dynamic at play?