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Original poster

To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

367 replies

Undecided234 · 28/12/2023 01:06

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

OP posts:
Longma · 28/12/2023 14:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Longma · 28/12/2023 14:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 15:08

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 13:37

Every time a woman normalises this shit as “it is what it is”, a fairy dies.

Show quote history

You're quite right @KingsleyBorder , people should just fuck up the small things that directly affect their children in big ways, to score points against the patriarchy.

MindatWork · 28/12/2023 15:36

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2023 13:32

The title of the thread is "To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece"

The whole of the OPs first couple of posts is about the SiL's reaction of insufficient gratitude for Disney aunt's gift, which if the DB had not passed on the info is entirely understandable.

The SiL has been called everything from selfish to an "ungrateful cow" (the stock MN descriptor for any woman who fails to show undying gratitude for anything) when its entirely the DB who is at fault for failing to communicate. Then compounded by the OP for failing to simply say "I checked with DB did he not pass the message on?" at the time.

The one person who is not in the wrong here is the SiL for doing what any sensible parent would do - check the actual arrangements someone else has made for an 11 year old without apparently running it by the parents.

Show quote history

100% agree with this - SIL has had a complete character assassination on here, base on very little from what I can gather from OP’s posts. All this nonsense about ‘summoning up the courage’ to text SIL and worrying about what you’ve done wrong since Boxing Day 🧐.

I suspect SIL’s main crime is being a straightforward, forthright person who doesn’t tie herself up in knots worrying if she’s offended someone (and I say this with kindness OP as I’m guilty of being too much of a people pleaser sometimes). All this projecting about her being jealous is plain bizarre.

Have you told her that you did check with your DB yet? Still not 100% sure why you didn’t mention it when the present was opened….

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 15:40

You already shamed OP @DeeLusional for assuming that her brother was able to make a decision in relation to his child and tell his wife about it. Now you’re saying she “fucked up” in a way that will have a big effect on her niece. All because you believe she should have known that poor little men can’t be expected to organise anything related to their children. Nice.

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 15:43

MindatWork · 28/12/2023 15:36

100% agree with this - SIL has had a complete character assassination on here, base on very little from what I can gather from OP’s posts. All this nonsense about ‘summoning up the courage’ to text SIL and worrying about what you’ve done wrong since Boxing Day 🧐.

I suspect SIL’s main crime is being a straightforward, forthright person who doesn’t tie herself up in knots worrying if she’s offended someone (and I say this with kindness OP as I’m guilty of being too much of a people pleaser sometimes). All this projecting about her being jealous is plain bizarre.

Have you told her that you did check with your DB yet? Still not 100% sure why you didn’t mention it when the present was opened….

Show quote history

Or why the DB didn’t mention it..

MindatWork · 28/12/2023 15:52

Well yes that goes without saying - the DB is the one who’s really messed up here.

marcopront · 28/12/2023 17:50

MindatWork · 28/12/2023 15:52

Well yes that goes without saying - the DB is the one who’s really messed up here.

Yes but he is a man so according to some people here that is expected and so OK.

ChedderGorgeous · 28/12/2023 17:52

BabyYoshke · 28/12/2023 01:10

‘I checked with DB when I booked it - he must have forgotten to tell you.’

And stop offering to change it!

This. Straight bat, right back to her.

GRex · 28/12/2023 17:54

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 15:40

You already shamed OP @DeeLusional for assuming that her brother was able to make a decision in relation to his child and tell his wife about it. Now you’re saying she “fucked up” in a way that will have a big effect on her niece. All because you believe she should have known that poor little men can’t be expected to organise anything related to their children. Nice.

Edited

Ah no, you're incorrect there on the poster. It was actually OP who said she was worried about even telling the SIL that she asked her brother, instead of just stating that he had agreed it. So it's OP who thinks her brother is not expected to be responsible for planning anything.

marcopront · 28/12/2023 18:01

@GRex

Did you miss Deelusional saying at 10:44

You haven't done anything wrong BUT.........always best to check these things with the mother as most men don't do the organising for their kids. Leave it now, if she sabotages the theater trip, that's on her not you.

TheSunIsOutAndTheSkyIsBlue · 28/12/2023 18:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Do you share it with your SiL?
As THAT is the point of the thread.

The utter incompetence of the OP's brother in checking with his wife. He is hardly going to put it on a calendar if he can't verbalise the words to his wife is he

Ktime · 28/12/2023 18:42

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2023 13:32

The title of the thread is "To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece"

The whole of the OPs first couple of posts is about the SiL's reaction of insufficient gratitude for Disney aunt's gift, which if the DB had not passed on the info is entirely understandable.

The SiL has been called everything from selfish to an "ungrateful cow" (the stock MN descriptor for any woman who fails to show undying gratitude for anything) when its entirely the DB who is at fault for failing to communicate. Then compounded by the OP for failing to simply say "I checked with DB did he not pass the message on?" at the time.

The one person who is not in the wrong here is the SiL for doing what any sensible parent would do - check the actual arrangements someone else has made for an 11 year old without apparently running it by the parents.

Show quote history

Because SIL is the one passive aggressively texting OP.

There’s no need for it, she should talk to her actual husband and not be nasty to OP who just did a nice thing.

MindatWork · 28/12/2023 18:49

@Ktime I don't think anything in SIL’s message is passive aggressive at all. Which bit of it do you think is?

GRex · 28/12/2023 18:54

marcopront · 28/12/2023 18:01

@GRex

Did you miss Deelusional saying at 10:44

You haven't done anything wrong BUT.........always best to check these things with the mother as most men don't do the organising for their kids. Leave it now, if she sabotages the theater trip, that's on her not you.

Ah yeah fair enough, that deserves a comment. OP was just as bad though.

marcopront · 28/12/2023 19:06

@Ktime

*Because SIL is the one passive aggressively texting OP.

There’s no need for it, she should talk to her actual husband and not be nasty to OP who just did a nice thing.*

How does she know to talk to her husband when neither the OP or the husband/brother have told her he was involved?

marcopront · 28/12/2023 19:07

@GRex

Ah yeah fair enough, that deserves a comment. OP was just as bad though.

Definitely OP is as bad.

There is a bizarre family dynamic

Citrusandginger · 28/12/2023 19:15

SIL's message as reported here doesn't read as passive aggressive to me. Just assertive.

Mariposistaa · 28/12/2023 19:19

Sounds like she has a bit of FOMO because you asked your brother, her husband and not her.
Some women can be so childish. And we say that men/boys are immature.

baubl · 28/12/2023 21:58

I think she's just put out that you got a great present that she didn't think of.

phoenixrosehere · 28/12/2023 22:10

Mariposistaa · 28/12/2023 19:19

Sounds like she has a bit of FOMO because you asked your brother, her husband and not her.
Some women can be so childish. And we say that men/boys are immature.

From her txt message, the SIL doesn’t know that OP talked to her brother about it to begin with and even writes in a later post she doesn’t want to text her back in case it gets her brother in trouble with his wife.

Soapboxqueen · 28/12/2023 22:50

It's amazing the stories and assumptions the general populace can make up on such scant information.

From the SIL point of view her DD opens a gift from her aunt which:

*She has no prior knowledge of
*May not be suitable given her dd's age
*Might clash with other events (which means she is frantically going through her mental calendar to work out)
*May require planning on her part to get her DD there as well as extra costs such as transport and hotels (OP hasn't said what the arrangements are and at this point SIL won't know anyway)
*May require other planning to accommodate work patterns and other responsibilities

But because she couldn't work all this out in the 10 seconds after DD opened the gift and get her face on order she's a jealous bitch who's a control freak 🤷🏻

She then sends a reasonable text given the above to check dates next time.

It's perfectly normal behaviour if she didn't know!

OP this is your brother's fault. Talk to him.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2023 10:44

Ktime · 28/12/2023 18:42

Because SIL is the one passive aggressively texting OP.

There’s no need for it, she should talk to her actual husband and not be nasty to OP who just did a nice thing.

Show quote history

What on earth is passive aggressive about “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”?

The woman isn't psychic - how is she supposed to know that the useless DB who can't pass on a message and the wet lettuce who can't simply say "I checked with DB" have arranged this between them?

"Nice thing" in general is very much in the eye of the beholder. Too often on here women are told to be grateful for "nice things" they neither wanted nor asked for or gifts which are generally given to make the giver feel good rather than the recipient.

Characterbunting · 29/12/2023 12:38

What on earth is passive aggressive about “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”?

"Maybe just check with us before booking" is a bit of a ticking off, isn't it though?

I mean, it's reasonable, but definitely saying to OP that she didn't do the right thing here.

KingsleyBorder · 29/12/2023 12:55

Characterbunting · 29/12/2023 12:38

What on earth is passive aggressive about “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”?

"Maybe just check with us before booking" is a bit of a ticking off, isn't it though?

I mean, it's reasonable, but definitely saying to OP that she didn't do the right thing here.

Also, it’s already booked (OP had confirmed date and time). So either the SIL has misunderstood (but hard to see what else needs to be checked if she thinks this is a suggestion to book that date/time in the future) or she is actually saying “you should have checked with us before booking”.