To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

It is very well documented that if a child is to have a decent chance of true bilingualism, OPOL is the best route. That means no switching between languages for the parents. The damage is long lasting, and much worse for the child than some family members having their noses put out of joint because they’re too lazy to make an effort too.

This!

Just to offer some encouragement my nieces (who only spoke SILs language when they started nursery) would by the time they were at primary school watch Disney films in their Mum's language and translate them into English for me so I could understand.

The other thing to remember is that it is very very common for kids to refuse to speak the minority language as school kids but that doesn't mean they don't understand or can't speak it. I remember a friend being very worried about taking her kids to visit her parents as neither had spoken her language for over a year (she was still exclusively speaking it to them). They got off the plane, very quickly remembered their family didn't speak English and so started speaking in their mother's language. It's all there even if they refuse to use it.

You are doing the right thing. Have to explained OPOL to them? It’s a shame they haven’t seen the value yet.

We have Portuguese friends who live in England but speak Portuguese to their children (so not OPOL) and the children are bilingual at 7 and 2.5. I visited the mum’s parents back in Portugal with them while they were on holiday with them and as my DH doesn’t speak Portuguese, the children were slipping between English and Portuguese. It was the first time the grandparents had heard them speak English, they themselves can’t speak or understand any English, and they were bowled over by how clever their grandchildren are! Even though they know they live in England and the eldest is in school there. It was so sweet to see how proud they were.

Unless you are having protracted conversations in your 1st language in front if your in-laws then you are fine. OPOL couples I know where one partner didn’t know the other’s language, usually the English half of the couple, have pointed out that context and tone usually helps you know what someone is saying to a young child anyway, so it’s not as jarring or opaque as it sounds.

Have you been to any countries where the main language isn't English? If you have, did anyone hear you speak English? Did you make sure they understood English before you started speaking?

Totally disagree with some of the replies suggesting you are rude. I was an au pair for an English/ Spanish family for two dc aged 3 and 6 months. The parents followed OPOL and both girls could easily swap languages by the time I left, and used to translate for their parents (although they were both bilingual) from a young age. Keep going, being bilingual is an amazing skill for your dc to have.

I think it'll be great if they can be bilingual.
I live in wales but can't speak Welsh. My sons go to a Welsh school and they start them off by saying things in Welsh then in English (such as put on your coat) could you do that when you're around them? Could you explain why you're doing it? Maybe not everything you say to her but some of the things.
It's surprising how quickly they pick up another language though, its amazing!

Yes. It is very rude to speak a different language in front of PIL. You are excluding them.
Are you generally a controlling character?

This. The predominant Mner view is monoglot and has an ingrained sense that people who can speak English and opt not to in front of English speakers are being freakishly rude and exclusionary.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Raising your children to speak your language as well as English is way more important than your ILs’ prejudices.

You are completely wrong. From a child development and speech and language point of view the parent should speak in their native tongue as this will be how they are most likely to model the correct use of language and grammar.
The children live in England, they will learn English. How do you expect them to be fluent in language X if the parent that speaks it, doesn’t use it.

Can't you translate for them or speak English for the short periods of time you are with them. They ideally need English as their first language if they are attending a English school so maybe they would benefit from 50:50 on languages rather than people

As you said you only see them once a month, Id speak in English mostly on those occasions. If you saw them multiple times a week id think differently. We have some Italian friends - children always lived in UK so are bilingual - they all talk in English to each other too when they're with us and I think that's very kind of them.

Your children being bilingual will be fantastic!

Yes. It is very rude to speak a different language in front of PIL. You are excluding them.

No it isn't rude to speak a different language to the dc in front of the PIL. Are their delicate ears offended by the mere sound of foreign words?! It certainly would be rude to speak to the PIL in a different language, or to have an adult conversation in which they were involved, but speak a language they didn't understand.

Have you been to any countries where the main language isn't English? If you have, did anyone hear you speak English? Did you make sure they understood English before you started speaking?

Exactly. British English-speakers are terribly offended at the idea of anyone speaking foreign languages in front of them, but it usually doesn't even occur to them to abide by that rule when they themselves are speaking English abroad.

It’s because a certain kind of person thinks that the person speaking another language is secretly slagging them off, using their Sinister Other Language Powers.

My ex is from a Portuguese speaking country and I said he should speak to our kids in Portuguese but he didn't because he said it would confuse them.

I really wish that he had though and that I'd pushed him more to do it.

Let's see - 2.5 yr old should be able to code switch two languages to pander to DGPs who don't value language skills for their DGC or the DGPs could learn a few words of the mother's language for the benefit of that 2.5 yr old?

Except here we are largely in the UK where being able to say "bonjour" is considered bilingualism and bloody foreigners should just learn English so obviously DGPs learning a few simple words outside of English is ridiculous and the 2.5 yr old is rude.

OPOL doesn't work when the parent switches language for convenience - it confuses the child and in extreme cases can cause semi lingualism where the language is clearly not valued. Its particularly a problem when the parent switching is the minority language.

The children are getting English from their father, they are surrounded by it on every source of media and every random person they meet. The problem is not learning English in an English dominant society - its learning anything else.

How backward.

@C8H10N4O2 well said 👏👏

I wonder if anyone has told all the Brits living in Spain or France that they must always speak the language of the country they're living in.

To bring up children bilingual, as I think other posters have said, the advice is for one parent to speak in one language only and the other to speak in the other language.

Have you actually explained this theory to your PIL though?! They may not have any idea that's what you're doing and find you really rude.

On a side note, my friend at uni was brought up in Germany with a German dad and English mum. He was bilingual but no one ever thought to teach him the names of animals in English. So maybe make sure dad is covering all typical toddler subjects i.e. colours, shapes, animals etc.

I think it’s brilliant for the kids to be bilingual but also rude to exclude others from a conversation.
Could you make an exception here?

Exactly this. My DD is bilingual and I unashamedly spoke in English (we are in a non English speaking country) at every opportunity, whether there were other people there or not. Especially when she was tiny as you do need to insist. Most people were fine with it, unlike in Britain all I ever heard was “how lovely” and “isn’t she lucky growing up with 2 languages”

My DM had disapproving British in-laws too, so what would have been my mother tongue ended up being very diluted and I have an accent when I speak it. I was determined this wasn’t going to happen to my DD.

English being the community language will
always end up stronger, if all schooling is going to be local there’s plenty of time to pick
it up.

I am surprised at the number of people telling you you're being rude! Presumably you speak to your PILS in English and do not totally ignore them when you are with them and have your DC with you.

I know how it feels as my PILS do not speak a word of English. When we were living in their country, the language of which I speak fluently, I always spoke to my PILS, my DH and anyone else in their language, but DH and I had decided to do OPOL and I always always spoke English to DD. I got a few funny looks in the supermarket (very rural area) but I ignored them. My child's bilingualism is more important than others' ability to understand us, and I include my PILS in that.

That said, I always made an effort to include my PILS by translating my conversations with DD for them. This was pretty exhausting during the toddler years but DD now speaks confidently with her grandparents in their language since DH has only ever spoken that language to her. I still speak exclusively English to my DD no matter who we are with. Don't give up.

My children (young adults now) are bilingual. I’m the English speaker. OPOL is absolutely the way to do it. We never really cared if anyone thought we were rude because people who think that way are usually ignorant monoglot anglophones so their ‘opinions’ don’t really matter.