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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

564 replies

imnotfromroundhere · 27/12/2023 21:21

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

OP posts:
macaronicheezepleeze · 27/12/2023 23:50

You should stick with OPOL but I would mix in some English when with your PIL or others. A direct comment to child "go get your shoes" etc is in your language, also if they come to you upset, for comfort etc, use your own language. Your language is the primary language and should come first.

However, when talking to your PIL or other English speakers outwith your home and they're involved in the conversation, speak English. I.e "isn't that a lovely jumper granny bought for you" or "shall we tell grandpa where we went last weekend?"

Your children will learn to code switch.

Melassa · 27/12/2023 23:51

olympicsrock · 27/12/2023 23:47

I think it’s brilliant for the kids to be bilingual but also rude to exclude others from a conversation.
Could you make an exception here?

That’s the worst thing she could do with OPOL, especially when they’re very small.

the in-laws need to get over it. If they are so worried they’re being talked about then maybe they could try to learn some of the OP’s language.

LinnieM · 27/12/2023 23:55

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU.

Says who? I’ll just forget about my mother tongue and speak in the colonisers language because I live in the UK? I think the fuck not

BlueFlint · 27/12/2023 23:56

Absolutely brilliant for your kids that are being raised bilingual, well done!

However - my in-laws speak another language as their mother tongue, and also fluent English. They often speak amongst themselves in their mother tongue when I'm there and I do find it quite isolating. You miss out on so many small social clues and context when people choose to speak around or over you in a language you don't understand and it's hard not to feel like they just don't care enough to ensure they're being inclusive. That said, we do have a difficult relationship anyway, so perhaps my feelings are coloured by that, and it's not exactly the same situation.

(I have for the record tried to learn their language, but it's a really tricky one and I felt like they just kind of made fun of me for not being great at it, so I gave up a bit.)

I don't think for a minute you're being rude here, or that you should stop speaking your own language when around your in-laws. Maybe your husband can chip in occasionally to translate, just to keep everyone in the context loop?

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 27/12/2023 23:57

OP don’t worry. Children are sponges at that age. Keep talking to them in yours. They may talk longer to talk but they get both languages eventually.

Unless you are talking to your in laws in your language YANBU. I would keep on doing it. They may even learn something too.

Anele22 · 27/12/2023 23:57

Okay, hands up those of you who don’t know anything about bilingualism or OPOL but still felt qualified to give advice and judgement??
So much passive racism on this thread.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 27/12/2023 23:57

Branleuse · 27/12/2023 21:25

Keep doing opol. My husband didn't keep up with his language with the kids past toddlerhood, and it's a big regret now

THIS.

Bilingualism in a mono-lingual country is hard. Equally, it’s great for the children and an important part of their heritage. Those posters saying it’s rude don’t get how important it is to keep up the one-parent-one-language approach. English will come, absolutely inevitably, and the DCs will be able to converse with their DGPs.

A friend of mine was over today. We spoke English with each other. I spoke French with my DCs. She spoke Yoruba with hers. “Rude” didn’t cross my mind.

My FIL has tried to learn French for the sake of our DCs, and speaks very slow English with them when he has reached the limits of his French (…after about 20 seconds!) I had never thought of him as an especially supportive DGP (he is very distant and sees my DCs once every 2 years), but I’m beginning to reconsider!

AllIsWellish · 27/12/2023 23:58

Well I only speak one language but from everything I've read you are doing the correct thing only speaking to dc in your language so I say carry on as you are. Dc will soon pick up more English once they are at nursery

meganorks · 28/12/2023 00:07

I completely understand what you are doing and of course you want your kids to be bilingual. I also think, that especially while they are so little, you want to stick to your language. But have you even explained to your PILs? I do also think, as they get older, you should speak English in front of other English speakers. Maybe not for little phrases, but if you are having a conversation.

I have some friends who are not English, with different native languages to each other. They both speak their own language to their children, but then English when around other English speakers. I think this makes more sense

WhatdoIdoTree · 28/12/2023 00:08

Keep it up OP! I couldn't speak English until I started school, went on to get a string of A*s at GCSE including English language.

I then went onto a Redbrick uni to do Law.

I love the fact I speak my mum's mother tongue, it has only enhanced my relationship with my Grandparents and their country.

penjil · 28/12/2023 00:10

Onceuponaheartache · 27/12/2023 21:23

Sorry I think it is rude to use a language they don't speak in their presence.

However you are not wrong to encourage your kids to be bilingual, it sill be an excellent advantage to them

You think it's rude to speak in f not of your young children in a language they don't understand?

But young kids don't understand much in any language, so does it matter?

PassMeTheCookies · 28/12/2023 00:13

YANBU. I think you're doing the right thing.

My SIL is French and she and my brother had the same agreement when my niece was born. She speaks only to my niece in French and my brother in English. Earlier on, she spoke more French as she was around her mother more, but now she's at nursery she speaks English mostly but can converse with her mum/grandparents in French.

I think had my SIL prioritised English when she was younger, she'd have missed that window for getting her to understand French from early on, given the majority of her exposure to language is English. They knew she'd have plenty of time and opportunity to expand her English skills whereas her access to French is just at home.

It's done her no harm, only good. She's 1.5 years younger than my son but is more advanced in both English and French than he is in just English!

GoingOverToTheDarkSide · 28/12/2023 00:33

So many questions about OPOL here!
several people have said that once a child realises they can speak to their mum in English (for example) they give up on their second language- but don’t they hear you speaking the other language in shops, on teh phone etc etc? And don’t they then make the connection that they can talk at home in the same language as school?
How the heck does it work with play dates? Or in a park/soft play etc where one parent is likely to be talking to various children? You give a guest child an instruction or ask what they want for tea in one language then say it to your own children in another?
am genuinely intrigued

CuriousGeorge80 · 28/12/2023 00:37

Genuinely amazed by the people arguing you are unreasonable because it would be rude in the work place 😂😂😂 - also the people worried that a child living with an English dad and who will go to school in England won’t speak English because their mum speaks a different language to them. What planet are people on? Have they never met bilingual people?!

You are 100% in the right OP. I work in a multinational company and what I wouldn’t give to be bilingual - what a gift you are giving them. OPOL has clear rules.

Presumably there is nothing stopping the PIL speaking in English to the children and helping their development. Or learning some of the basic language to support their development. I think I would sit them down and explain it once, in case they don’t understand, although amazed that your husband hasn’t done it to be honest.

crumblingschools · 28/12/2023 00:39

Does OPOL continue forever or just when DC are tiny?

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 00:43

Good for you! They'll pick up English properly soon enough - kids are sponges they'll be fine

HMW1906 · 28/12/2023 00:53

I agree it’s rude that you’re speaking a language your PIL don’t understand around them, it’s once a month presumably for an hour or 2 can’t you speak English for that small amount of time, I doubt it’s going to erase all of the language X your child currently speaks.

s4usagefingers · 28/12/2023 01:05

Keep doing what you’re doing! But maybe explain it to them and why. Some people find it intimidating, especially if they aren’t used to different languages. I’ve been in multi language households and honestly we could all sort of understand each other in whatever language was spoken once we became more comfortable with each other. I’ve seen children speak one language with mum, one with dad and one at school/with friends making them trilingual. It’s worth upsetting a couple of people over.

CobbldyCook · 28/12/2023 01:09

Horrified by the ignorant notion that speaking in your own language to your children in the presence of others is rude. Just keep doing what you’re doing, OP!!

lifesrichpageant · 28/12/2023 01:21

Surprised (and not surprised) by folks who think it is 'rude' to converse with a toddler in a foreign language. Most of the world are bi-or-tri-lingual, please rise above the small minded attitudes and converse with your children in the way you like! Your in laws will get over it. Good luck.

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 01:25

I work in early years and did some training on how to support bilingual kids. The advice is exactly what you are doing you speak X to them your husband speaks English. Or you risk them growing up understanding X and having basic communication in it but not fluent

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 01:27

That said though if you are only seeing in laws once a month I'd mix some English in for their benefit just to smooth things over. But so long as you are speaking to them in English and your husband in English when they are there is most certainly is not rude to speak X to your children

happyduckk · 28/12/2023 02:09

What a great thing you are doing for your children, OP. Being consistent with speaking a language is fundamental when teaching a child to be bilingual.
Your in-laws are being silent bullies with their behaviour.
You are doing great, keep going!

Glipsy · 28/12/2023 04:52

the thing I love best (ie hate most) is the idea that it’s ‘so lovely’ or ‘so enriching’ to be bilingual, rather than the far more common ‘this child will never be able to talk to their cousins, their grandma, exist in a meaningful way in their parents home country UNLESS they’re bilingual’. It’s not violin lessons!

justchristmas · 28/12/2023 05:08

crumblingschools · 28/12/2023 00:39

Does OPOL continue forever or just when DC are tiny?

Not at all. Just until the children have built up a strong foundational basis. I only spoke solid English until they were 7/8, and now we do a mixture of the two.

Now, when I attempt to speak X language to their friends, DC laugh and say 'oh excuse mama, she thinks she can speak X', or correct my pronunciation (in a loving, joking way).