To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Your child is 2. Speak the language they'll find it easiest to understand. When they're older and able to switch back and forth from x language and English seamlessly, then by all means speak English when in the company of PIL.

Keep up the good work Op.

Their dad can keep the English going with them. So can his parents. They will get loads of English at nursery/ school.

This question comes up a lot on MN and there are always a lot of people who say, “bilingualism is great as long as you don’t speak the non-dominant language in front of anyone else.”

You don’t say what the minority language is but in my experience you have to be extremely disciplined. If you waiver they’ll be answering you in English in no time. Don’t take advice from the people on here who know nothing about bilingualism.

Yanbu

YABU. You admit that they don’t get exposure to English as they don’t attend nursery and you’re a SAHP so they mostly only hear language X but then you cut off your in laws by speaking a language they don’t know when you spend time together. I do think it is really rude and it obviously isn’t going to set your child back with your current set up.

This

OPOL is considered the best way to encourage bilingualism. But you also need to build relationships with family. So it won't hurt to use the other language once a month- it's rude and counter productive not to.

Kids pick up languages so fast. My neighbours children don't speak any English at home at all and the kids are doing just fine in school/nursery. They're a little behind other kids their age in their English but not enough for it to be an issue, and they learn so fast at that age they'll catch up soon enough.

IMHO there's a HUGE difference between carrying on a group conversation when a member of the 'group' doesn't speak a language (rude) and saying a simple phrase/command to a child in that language (not rude).

A compromise with your iLs for now would be to say the request/command in your language then say to your iLs "I'm telling 'Mary' to put on her coat', or whatever it is. When the age comes to have actual 'social' conversations with your children in front of your iLs then it may be time to rethink your options.

You won't get sensible answers here as understandably the general population is not well versed in what it takes to be bilingual.

Stick to OPOL, you are living in a English speaking country so in time English will become dominant so you need to do everything you can to encourage language X.

Maybe ask PIL for half an hour to explain what you are doing and why, and emphasise that DC will naturally be dominant in English as they grow older.

You are doing a great job.

So if you moved to France you’d never utter a word of English again when out and about.

YANBU and why are there so many ignorant “oh I think it’s brilliant they’re bilingual but don’t be rude, so speak English!” posts over and over?! It’s been said multiple times and adds nothing if the person saying it does not understand OPOL and raising bilingual small children.

Children develop speech and acquire understanding in different ways to adults. Why should OP ignore the research just to appease some adults?

These children are small! Why do the grandparents need to know she is saying “you definitely need a nappy change, you stinker!” to a baby?! Honestly! Perhaps the grandparents can learn simple words and phrases.

People are so weird over this. This isn’t 2 adults purposefully excluding family in a social or employment situation. This is a mother talking to her very young children and following research and best practice.

Exactly.

Developmentally it's better to speak to your children in your native tongue. However it would be polite to speak English when with other English speakers and to remind them to, depending on they age of course.,

You should definitely carry on what you're doing, it's the best way to ensure your children become bilingual. And it's an enormous advantage for children, I wish I'd tried harder to speak to my DS in English and the other language I'm fluent in.

I'd ask your DH to talk to your PILs and explain the rationale for OPOL, they may well be being xenophobic but perhaps they just don't understand why it matters. You could explain it to them but I don't see why you should have to, you're not doing anything wrong. They could, if they wanted to, seize the opportunity to learn the language themselves so they can converse with your DC in both!

I also think people have a lot of misconceptions about bilingualism- i.e. PPs saying how will your kids manage at school. What matters is that children are proficient in a language and spoken to lots- it doesn't matter if it's the local language or not. They'll grow up completely fluent in English because of immersion- and they have their father speaking to them in English, so they will have ZERO difficulties. I've taught classes where the majority of students didn't speak English at home and almost all were fluent, especially those who were educated in English from reception. They pick languages up rapidly at that age.

YANBU - stick to one language for each parent. Anything else will confuse them, I would perhaps translate for your PIL after you have spoken to your DC or ask your DH to translate.

It's well recognised in education that bilingual children tend to do well.

I take it your DH is British and speaks to them so there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't speak to them primarily in your native tongue, no matter where you are.

As for it being 'rude' in company, from what you said you're not exactly having full conversations, just little instructions to the kids. They can hardly claim you're having conversations about them if you're just telling the kids to put on a jumper!

Bit of xenophobia from the in laws, I think.

Absolutely!

I think this. You’re doing an amazing thing for your children but I’d try and. get your PIL to understand the research so they can see that you’re not being rude.

They have a dad who can speak to them in English and who presumably gets evenings and weekends with them. It's a snippet of time. Before long they will be much more exposed to English than language X so if they don't get a good foundation in it now they never will.

My niece is being bought up bilingual. She didn’t do nursery and chats away in English to us and minority language to SiL, she was slower to speak English but it hasn’t held her back. They speak the minority language in front of us. No one has an issue with it, and I’ve brushed up that language so I can understand most of what is going on. It’s important that my niece doesn’t reject the minority language as SiL’s family don’t speak English. (They don’t live in the UK.)

There was a thread on here the other day, about bilingualism and children rejecting the minority language and if I remember the advice was to stick with it. Ignore those that have no experience and get your DH to explain how it works.

I’m as British as they come. I only speak one language (which I find a bit embarrassing). I work for a Spanish bank, in London, where unsurprisingly, many of my (lovely) colleagues are Spanish. They switch between English & Spanish, mid conversation, without even realising they are doing it sometimes, it’s the most wonderful thing to hear and whilst sometimes, I don’t necessarily understand what they are saying, because they are kind people, I know they are not being rude. They are intuitive at knowing when people are a bit confused and always make sure to translate if people look a bit uncomfortable. It’s fun! Languages don’t need to be intimidating, if your in laws want to know what you’ve said, they can ask!

They will honestly learn English so easily growing up in Britain going to nursery and school. The minority language is the one that needs the work or it can easily be lost.
OP, you're right and loads of people on this thread know nothing about language learning.

What a ridiculous reply- so if you live in a country you can’t ever speak other languages?! So if you moved to Spain you’d not speak English at home - sure 🤔

The dad speaks English to them so they’re not missing out.

PILs sound a bit ignorant (op maybe you could follow up sometimes with a ‘I said this’ to get them used to it?)

@MargotBamborough this is a forum for opinions.
What lovely rude language you use.
I'm all for bilingual as I do this myself but try to do an equal amount of both.