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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

564 replies

imnotfromroundhere · 27/12/2023 21:21

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

OP posts:
justchristmas · 27/12/2023 22:18

Abricot1993 · 27/12/2023 22:02

As someone who is British and has brought up their children in a country with 4 national languages I absolutely agree with the posters who say a) speak your mother tongue b) give them a bit more exposure to the local language English but you speak your mother tongue c) most British don’t get the process to being multilingual, as it just doesn’t have the same importance in the uk d) it helps your children and gives them advantages cognitively by being bilingual. Courage.

Are you in CH?

(And I agree with you 100%!)

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 22:19

FWIW it is NOT rude to speak in a language others can’t understand. The only people who think that are ignorant British who can’t speak any other languages

100% this. So many British people are very weird about hearing other languages spoken in front of them. It's ignorant, small-minded and insular and is the result of living on an island and of feeling arrogantly confident that Englisy is internationally understood. I'm English myself, but am a languages teacher and sometimes despair at this country's attitude to foreign languages.

theadultsaretalking · 27/12/2023 22:20

OP, if your in-laws are judging you for this, then they are probably judging you for other things also, so I wouldn't sweat it - at least your children are getting something out of it! Keep going, you are doing nothing wrong!

queenmeadhbh · 27/12/2023 22:22

Possimpible · 27/12/2023 21:35

Err, judging by this post I'm not sure you're the best person to assess what's rude and what isn't...

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Tbf I wouldn’t have put it as insultingly but I do find it tends to be English people who get all offended by people speaking another language. I have a German friend, she speaks German to her kids, I don’t speak German. It would be so unreasonable of me to demand she speaks English to them when I am there that I can’t quite believe people actually feel like that.

Mushroomwithaview · 27/12/2023 22:23

Gosh there is some idiotic advice at the start of this thread. If you live in an English-speaking country and your children go to school here they will definitely absolutely without a doubt speak English. You are absolutely 100% right to only ever speak to them in your own language. I remember my SiL doing the same and having a really hard time as the kids got older and replied to her in English or only wanted to speak English, but I admire her for being steadfast and insisting that the only language she would speak with them was her own language. She now has truly bilingual children. What a gift!

OP I suggest doing a bit of reading. There are some great resources for bilingual families that will talk about language acquisition and how it all works. Might be useful to have some facts up your sleeve when people make you doubt yourself.

And for those who suggested it was rude to speak your own language to your children - imagine moving to France or Thailand and being told it was 'rude' of you not to speak to your own children in French or Thai! Nuts!

LegoDeathTrap · 27/12/2023 22:24

YANBU, but you’re on a British forum where most people can say “goood mourning” in french and consider that speaking a foreign language.

Don’t give up. You have such a short time and the odds are against you with the DH and the schools all being in English.

DS1 started in language X, was fully bilingual at 2.5, and then I started slipping into English to make the fucking irrelevant people around me comfortable, he realised Mum speaks English and it’s easier, and now neither DS1 nor DD2 speak a word of X. It makes me so sad.

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 22:24

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/12/2023 22:16

Yeah, you're being really bloody rude.

You see their grandparents once a month, and on that day for the few hours you are there, all communication with their grandchildren, you do in a language only you understand.

Because the other 99% of the month when you speak to them in language X would be ruined otherwise right Hmm

It's like a weird passive superiority thing you've got going on, that you're bilingual, and DC are, but PIL aren't, but you enjoy demonstrating this every time you visit.

I am also bilingual and would never dream of actively excluding my own children's grandparents like this.

Yes, speaking English to her kids from time to time in order to be "polite" to her in laws absolutely will undermine her efforts to get them to be bilingual the rest of the time.

Her kids are surrounded by English all the time. With their dad, their grandparents, out in the street, everywhere they go. They're not even at school yet and already they will be hearing English all the time. When they start nursery/school, their days will largely be in English, their friends will all speak in English, their teachers will speak English and the OP will be fighting a pretty lonely battle to get them to see the point in speaking her language.

Can you not imagine how much harder that battle will be if she speaks English to her kids sometimes? They'll learn that they can communicate with her just fine in English, which will be much easier for them at that point, so why would they bother to speak her language?

It's depressing to see so many people who don't understand this point giving ill informed advice which isn't backed up by any research on this subject.

Getting her children to be fluent in her language is more important than not offending her in laws! Or anybody else, for that matter.

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 22:25

How does OPOL work if you are having a conversation say at the dining table with parents speaking to each other but children are also sitting at the table. Which language do you use?

I would probably send the eldest to nursery for a few hours a week if they are not getting the exposure to language from DH

Renamed · 27/12/2023 22:26

Your PIL are silly. It’s right now that the children have the best chance of becoming bilingual and you should carry on.

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2023 22:27

Most work places don’t allow this - speaking in a different language between themselves when others around cannot understand. Obvious reason being that it’s not inclusive, and is rude. No different when speaking with family and friends. Great to be bilingual and will be hugely advantageous for your dc, but it’s really not okay to do so when in the company of others who don’t know the language.

Kanelsnegl · 27/12/2023 22:28

It's not rude 🙄 it's not like she's doing it to exclude anyone it's to ensure they learn the language.
They'll pick up the community language as they're surrounded by it and you need to work a bit harder at making sure they learn yours, one parent one language is a good way of doing that and as far as I understand its something yiu have to be really quite consistent with.
I'm trying myself, though I sometimes forget as I think in English after 9 years here, and I've just explained it to my in laws so they understand, have you done that?
If it's something involving them I'll explain in English to the adult what I was saying to the child my language.

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 22:28

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 22:25

How does OPOL work if you are having a conversation say at the dining table with parents speaking to each other but children are also sitting at the table. Which language do you use?

I would probably send the eldest to nursery for a few hours a week if they are not getting the exposure to language from DH

My husband and I just continue to both speak in our own languages but we both speak/understand each other's language.

If your passive understanding of the other person's language is better than your ability to speak it, and the same is true for the other person, this is actually the easiest way to hold a conversation.

Abricot1993 · 27/12/2023 22:29

keep going in your language OP

pinkhousesarebest · 27/12/2023 22:29

For the little time you spend with your PIL, I would think it courteous to speak in the common language when you are with them. My dc very quickly learned which households spoke which language and added to their flexibility.
I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with the value of being bi/ multilingual but it doesn’t need to alienate family members - it will be a very natural process.

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 22:29

You only see them once a month, so why on earth do you insist on speaking a foreign language in their presence? I do think that's rude, and that's why they're giving you that look.

Parker231 · 27/12/2023 22:29

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 22:25

How does OPOL work if you are having a conversation say at the dining table with parents speaking to each other but children are also sitting at the table. Which language do you use?

I would probably send the eldest to nursery for a few hours a week if they are not getting the exposure to language from DH

At home I speak to DT’s in my language and DH speaks in his. DT’s respond to me in my language and to DH in his. English isn’t spoken at home - that was learnt at nursery and school.

MargotBamborough · 27/12/2023 22:30

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2023 22:27

Most work places don’t allow this - speaking in a different language between themselves when others around cannot understand. Obvious reason being that it’s not inclusive, and is rude. No different when speaking with family and friends. Great to be bilingual and will be hugely advantageous for your dc, but it’s really not okay to do so when in the company of others who don’t know the language.

Huh?

It's not even remotely similar to being in the workplace!

Unless your work colleagues are toddlers trying to acquire their native languages, which I assume they are not.

HomiesAlone · 27/12/2023 22:30

Well done for raising your children bilingually OP. Keep going and ignore ignorant PILs.

theadultsaretalking · 27/12/2023 22:31

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 22:29

You only see them once a month, so why on earth do you insist on speaking a foreign language in their presence? I do think that's rude, and that's why they're giving you that look.

She is not speaking a random foreign language, she is speaking her language - huge difference here.

Goinggreymammy · 27/12/2023 22:31

OMG, I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. Of course you should continue to speak your language to your child, no matter where you are. Doing otherwise (for eg speaking English in PIL's house) will confuse your children and create negative value associations with your language.... that it is somehow shameful or rude to speak it outside your house.

I think your husband needs to get some literature explaining the one parent one language approach to bilingualism, and talk through what you have both decided to do, and why, with his parents. And reassure them that they should definitely talk and cuddle and read stories in Engkish to them. Very small children react more to expression, gesture and tone than individual words so he can reassure them that your children will understand and react to them, and enjoy it, no matter what language they use to respond. Production is often in one language at first but undrstanding always higher. They can see him talking English tp your DC and them reacting.
But it needs to come from him, not you. Even if you never got bad vibes it's good that he would take time to discuss a major aspect of your (plural) parenting that is very different from how he was raised, and answer questions or concerns they may have.
Well done. Bilingualism is so common in many areas of the world but poorly understood in some predominantly English monoglot societies.

Abricot1993 · 27/12/2023 22:32

justchristmas · 27/12/2023 22:18

Are you in CH?

(And I agree with you 100%!)

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Genau

buckingmad · 27/12/2023 22:32

I think raising them bilingual is brilliant. But I do think it’s rude to speak in a different language in front of someone who doesn’t speak that language.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/12/2023 22:33

Dotjones · 27/12/2023 21:23

You should speak in the language of the country you live in so I think YABU. You can still teach them the other language as a second one but the main language should be the local one e.g. French if you're living in France or Italian if you're living in Italy.

What utter bollocks. I lived in Germany for a while and I spoke German to Germans but I spoke English to other English people while I was there.

Being bilingual is a huge benefit.

OP, I would speak English to your kids while your inlaws are around. When they're not, speak your own language of course.

queenmeadhbh · 27/12/2023 22:33

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 22:29

You only see them once a month, so why on earth do you insist on speaking a foreign language in their presence? I do think that's rude, and that's why they're giving you that look.

It’s not foreign to OP and it’s not foreign to her kids. Would you want to speak a foreign language to your kids when foreign relatives were there?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 22:33

HomiesAlone · 27/12/2023 22:30

Well done for raising your children bilingually OP. Keep going and ignore ignorant PILs.

This. Youre doing it right. Dc might need more English exposure though but they will get that soon anyway.

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