To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Keep speaking your own language OP. Its the best way for them to pick it up and become bi or multi-lingual.

If necessary you can translate to PIL.

And no you shouldnt just speak the language of the country you live in. Thats such backward thinking.

It's crucial to hold on to your mother tongue, your culture, your roots. It's a part of your and childrens identity. Your children will thank you for it one day.

Your DH can communicate in his language so they can pick that up too as that is also part of their indentity. They will very easily pick up English as its everywhere so you dont need to worry about that.

But if you dont use your mother tongue they will easily lose it.

This! We’re in the same boat and most of our extended family have bi or tri-lingual kids. None of our English speaking family have issues with the kids being spoken to in another language. Keep up the OPOL and ignore the in-laws.

I’m going to take a shot every time someone who doesn’t understand OPOL says “oh it’s so great but it’s rude in front of English people” and see how long I remain conscious. 😂

Do people even read a thread or do they wade in on a topic with zero knowledge and understanding and repeat the same uninformed and incorrect opinion? It’s a long thread, chances are you’re not saying anything new. Have a little skim read unless you’re an expert in this area.
The OP is teaching her young children the correct way. Incidentally, perhaps the English speaking adults can learn some basic words and simple phrases. That’s much easier than teaching children to be bilingual!

I actually wouldn’t even make the ‘it’s really important to be strict about OPOL’ argument. In theory I’m sure maybe kids could learn a special rule for PIL house. But why on earth should they!

Charitably, I’m going to assume a proportion of people saying they’d find it rude haven’t seen this in practise, it’s really not a major. When hanging out with a friend and kids, friend and I will speak the language we share. I’ll speak to her kids in that language, the majority of conversation is conducted in that language. If a child wants something, or she wants something from them, it will be conducted in a different language. If there’s a relevance to me, I’ll get a translation, eg ‘she wants to go home so I’ve said we’ll leave in 10’ but other times not. It’s SO far from disruptive or ‘rude’ seeming, it’s really no more disruptive than if the kid occasionally whispered something and I didn’t know what it was, which is also a thing kids do!

@Teder lol I’m with you! It’s soooo frustrating. The exact same uninformed comment over and over again. I feel like I’m going slightly mad. Cheers 🥂 😂

You will be absolutely bladdered within about ten minutes.

This is such utter bollocks. This was the way of thinking back in the dark ages. My own British GPs thought the same and bullied my DM out of teaching us her language.

you have a whole thread of people’s lived experience to the contrary, yet you focus on a flawed way of thinking from ages ago. it doesn’t even make sense, if you think of (for example) refugee children who arrive in school with little to no English yet manage to get top grades at A level.

FYI bilingual children tend to have a neural advantage over their monolingual peers so speaking another language certainly does not hold you back. If anything, it helps with learning all subjects, encourages lateral thinking and broadens the mind.

I don't see why you can't speak to them in X language the majority of the time unless in the presence of others, such as family and friends who only speak English. I think it rude and unfriendly and puts a barrier between you and your ILs that's unnecessary.
I think it's fantastic that your kids will be fluently bilingual.

Also anyone wringing their wee hands over the toddler having less English for now, that’s totally normal. Instead of seeing it as ‘behind’ see it as them having more words - they have all the words your average toddler does in one language plus some extras, and before long Peppa Pig will take care of the rest….

OPOL doesn’t work like that - it’s one parent, one language - all the time. Perhaps the IL should learn the language their grandchildren will be speaking much of the time.

Oh for God's sake.

Can you not at least skim read the thread?

If the OP does what you are suggesting her kids are unlikely to be bilingual for reasons that many posters have explained.

My children are bilingual, it’s a brilliant talent to have, but, I don’t speak my husband’s language, and his family would consider it very rude to converse in Turkish in front of me.

@Mintygoodness you don’t see why because you haven’t read any of the thread and the many many responses from people who know about the One Parent One Language approach and stated that it is harmful to the child’s language development to be inconsistent. Her kids are far less likely to be fluently bilingual if she switches like that. This is how it works. You really do need to be consistent in the language until it is established. The first few years before they go out into English speaking schools etc are crucial.

Keep doing as you are. Your PIL need to grow up and realise how great it is for their grandchildren to be bilingual. I’ve been a guest in a house where parents do this, all I’d say is if it may be important that the PIL know just repeat it in English? For example I was chatting away to my nephew about a game we could play or something while his dad was telling him to get ready to bed….it took me a while to realise what he was being told! But taking off a jumper etc….they don’t need to know and just need to get use to it! Also, at 45 my DH is a fluent English speaker but grew up till age of 5 with a different language in the UK. Then went to school and was taught solely in English. What you’re doing is great. I asked my MIL to do the same for my kids but she never seemed to get over the not wanting to speak a different language infront of me despite me asking her too! I hope your PIL come around to the fact it’s fantastic for your kids!

This is really sad.

Stopping speaking the minority language at home is really bad and outdated advice. It's the opposite of what is now recommended.

If your mother left school with no qualifications, it won't have been because she was bilingual. Most likely she had some other kind of learning difficulty which wasn't diagnosed because of the negative focus on the bilingualism. So not only did she not get any help or support with whatever her actual problem was, she was deprived of not only the chance to be bilingual, but also the ability to properly communicate with her own mother.

Thank goodness there is better research now.

Neither of us speak to our children in English, our son spoke extremely limited english when he started school. He is now eight, he is fluent in three languages and very proficient in a forth despite having a hearing impairment. At his last assessment by the hearing impairment service his reading age was 10.6 and his spelling 11.3. Our two year old doesn’t speak any, though she does understand a few things as nursery are starting to introduce some English.

Does your mother really believe that children who move to the UK at age four speaking no English then go on to leave school without qualifications? Or does she realise it is likely that those who achieve no qualifications despite years and years of education likely actually have additonal needs, additional needs that will exist no matter what language they learn in.

I didn’t start learning English until I was eight, I’m degree educated, I had school friends who didn’t start learning English until secondary school who achieved good A-level grades and succeeded at university.

Well this isn't true at all. I'm a teacher and know the huge benefits of being bilingual, if 2 bilingual children were Conversing in their home language why would they be stopped?

OP, I was in a similar situation years ago when my kids were little. Similar in a way that I am foreign and my husband is Brit. So we have agreed to the same thing, one parent -one language regardless who is around. This is very important when bringing up bilingual kids. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t understand this and think you are being rude to them. What they don’t understand, that it is not about them, but about your kids!

if your in laws taking it badly, maybe it’s worth translating to them what you just said to your kids. Every time. every bloody time😁 I know, it’s exhausting, sometimes feel even stupid: oh, I just have told them baby come here, baby it is ok, baby, let’s put a hat on, and so on. But this is the only way.
keep on doing your good job OP! This is the only way to bring up bilingual children 😁👍

@Simonjt my mother doesn't have ASN and it is offensive for you to presume so and she was born here, she didn't move here.
I'm hearing impaired myself, crap at languages, including DGMs language, so good for your son but less of the 'in spite of' undertone - that's offensive to both me and your son.

So you never speak English when your DC are about? To anyone?

Or does it only apply to your DC. So you can converse with others in English just not the children?

@MargotBamborough Again, stop with the assumption she has a learning difficulty or other ASN. She doesn't.

YANBU OP.

I grew up in England with a Welsh mother and an English father. As a child, my mother spoke to me exclusively in Welsh but only when we were alone. Most of the time we spoke English i.e. when Dad was there, when we were on the bus, in shops, with Dad's family etc.

I did not learn Welsh as a result. It was just so much easier to default to English. I am now having to learn Welsh as an adult.

I really wish my parents had done OPOL with me. Then I would be fluent in Welsh, be able to raise my own children to be Welsh speaking and find it easier to learn other languages as a result of being bilingual.

My sister's husband is from another country and he and my sister did OPOL with their DC, both of whom now speak both languages fluently. BIL said it was difficult to do, he got accused of being rude a lot and it took us a bit of getting used to but the benefits to the DC are immense. Keep at it. Explain to your inlaws how it works and point out that if your DC were being raised in country X instead, they would want your DH to teach the DC to speak English as well as X.

We don’t - English is our third language so not used at home. We don’t have English speaking tv channels.

In spite of is true, its factually correct that for those with a hearing impairment gaining an additional language us more challenging. Basic data isn’t offensive, its factual.

Why would suggesting someone has additional needs be offensive? If someone isn’t able to gain any qualifications after 12 years of education, that does suggest they do have additional needs, especially so within a family that isn’t neglectful. The reading age to gain o-levels was not high, depending on when she sat them a pass would be an equivalent to a C- or D at GCSE.

How would she explain someone speaking no English at ages 4-11 gaining GCSEs? People who move to the UK do not have different brains.

I've reported your post as discrimination by assumption, which is illegal. Your poor child if you cannot understand the law to advocate for them in future.