To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Being able to understand basic data isn’t discrimination, someone who cannot undertand basic data would be the one who couldn’t advocate for someone, as they would be unable to adequately formulate the argument required to challenge actual discrimination. It looks like you need to educate yourself on the success rates of (additional) language acquisition in children with hearing impairments. Or do you believe peer reviewed studies are discrimination?

@thatsnotmywean she may not have a learning difficulty but the fact that she didn’t succeed academically is not related to the language. If what you’re saying was true OPOL would not be such a widely recommended and evidenced approached to raising bilingual children. I feel sorry for your mother, it looks like she carries sadness from her childhood, but advising other people not to raise their children bilingually because your mother had a very singular experience isn’t right. The current advice and evidence does not back up what you’re saying.

Well her bilingualism is not the reason she left school without qualifications.

Bilingual children usually have an academic advantage over their peers.

Stick to it.

To people saying OP is being rude you either do not understand how to raise a bilingual child or appreciate the importance of it. Just like her PILs which is the issue.

And ask yourself why this would be rude but her DHs family not bothering to learn or atleast respect her language (and right to communicate with her child however she wishes) is not.

Your kids are really lucky to be growing up bilingual, don’t feel any pressure to stop what you are doing. They will thank you when they are older.
However - if you only see your PIL once a month, would it really kill you to speak English with the kids for just the few hours you are at their house, one day a month? For the sake of keeping the peace with your in-laws?

Well this is complete nonsense. Anyone can speak any language they like. It’s a positive advantage to be bilingual and as children grow they’ll be more exposed to English, via tv and the wider world. Thinking everyone who lives here should speak English even in private/at home/with family is very narrow minded. Speaking to children in either of their languages is fine, even in front of people who don’t speak it - I mean, a whole in depth convo wouldn’t be great but that’s not happening, is it?

Ironically there seems to be a languge barrier as what @Simonjt thinks I am saying is offensive and discriminatory is not what I am saying is offensive and discriminatory. Don't try to bamboozle someone with facts who is likely much better educated than you and works for a major deaf charity lol

auf wiedersehn / au revoir

I've got friends who do OPOL. The second language is French.

I speak terrible French but can usually follow what is going on as toddler language isn't exactly sophisticated. French speaking parent checks periodically that the guests aren't feeling too excluded.

The kids are really funny. When you first turn up they suss out which language to use with you by using both languages and seeing which one you respond to. If I try to speak (terrible) French to them they have resolutely put me in the English speaking box and only reply in English! They won't let me read them French books either (but I do get to read the Scottish ones, as well as the standard English one).

In your situation i'd make sure your ILs know what OPOL is and how it works. I've got adult friends whose parents did OPOL but the use of the second language waned as the older children went to nursery/ school etc and didn't want to be seen talking to their mother in a foreign language. End result the older two speak the second language really well. Wee brother doesn't and had to do quite a lot of extra work to pass a language assessment which was necessary for his citizenship application (thank you Brexit).

You might be well educated but you clearly don't know a lot about this topic.

If you'd read any of the research you wouldn't be saying, "Please don't do this to your kids", you'd be saying, "Keep doing what you're doing, my mother lost the ability to speak her own mother tongue because her parents were given really bad advice."

@HarrietStyles I am begging people to please at least skim the thread before posting. As has been repeated over and over OPOL approach requires consistency from the parents and these early years before nursery/being immersed in the dominant local language are especially crucial. The chances of OPs kids being bilingual are greatly reduced by inconsistency, so yes, speaking English when with the in laws would be harmful. It’s crazy to prioritise grown adults feeling ‘excluded’ by whatever little things a mum is saying to a 2.5 year old over that child’s chance to have a valuable skill with lifelong benefits.

Nothing in my post was in anyway able to bamboozle anyone, no language barrier on my part. Although amusing that you forgot that discrimination due to assumption only applies to someone who has a protected characteristic, so your mother would need an additional need for discrimination of assumption to be a thing.

Odd to bring education up and a strange thing to assume, I’m a maths geek, as a result I have both a degree and masters from oxbridge. I also enjoy using BSL with my son so I have completed my level 3, I would like to complete my level 6, but I need to expand my BSL circle a bit more before I can consider it really. The 360 hours is also quite daunting, thats before I even think about how much I dislike having to rely on video calls, rather than being in person, you miss the subtleties.

Ah your PIL have probably got their back up just because they don't understand.

One of my close friends when I was a teenager was Polish, and they pretty much only spoke Polish in the house - the exception was if any of her English friends were around. Then they'd only speak English, enforced by her Polish mum, because they thought it was rude to have guests who didn't understand what they were saying.

I think that's what your PIL and some people are trying to get at here... but it's hardly the same when you're speaking to a baby, is it? What could you possibly be saying to the baby in language X? 'Apple' 'please' 'thank you' 'toilet' - the horror. The same rules don't apply. Carry on - English will dominate at school anyway, so you might as well get as much as you can in now!

Absolutely this. It’s a great gift to give your child and essential that it’s one parent, one language otherwise the children can get confused. Boo hoo if your in laws don’t understand - I’m sure they will survive.

It’s hard work to keep OPOL up and given how dominant English is it’ll be tough so you’re doing the right thing. But…there will be times when you’re going to have to relax it when they children get older. Eg if you have groups of their friends over, it’s going to be harder to exclusively speak to them in a language the others won’t understand etc. I’ve always found it so brilliant being in a group conversation with bilingual people and seeing the kids swap language depending on who they’re talking to but that level of dual fluency takes time. Once your children are older your in-laws will probably find it easier as the children’s English gets better and they can swap in and out.

For the same reason you don't lean over and whisper something to one person excluding the others it's obvious you are saying something you don't want to share so say it later. Basic manners.

I am a grandmother of bilingual grandchildren. I am very proud that my GD5 and GS2 can speak 2 languages. I don’t see it as a problem if I don’t always understand chat between one parent and child. However if we are sitting around the table then the conversation will be mainly English otherwise we can’t have a family meal with us all interacting together, it would just be separate conversations. I don’t mind a few asides in the other language because I know that I am not being deliberately excluded, they just forget. Bilingual children will switch seamlessly from one language to another and it allows them to fit into their 2 heritages and increases their opportunities in the future.

Bilingual parents do not speak their own language to their children because they are "saying something you don't want to share"! Is that what you really think? Do you think that the OP speaks her own language to her children so that she can talk about her in-laws without them understanding?

Agree with this. I wasn't brought up with the consistency of OPOL and would have benefitted from it - there was a lot of 2-languages-in-one-sentence which took me a while to grow out of. OP is right, it's such a privilege to grow up bilingual and can also opens up a lot of opportunities.

I haven't read the whole thread so might have been suggested already but could your DD teach your PIL's your language? Would be a nice way for them to bond and prevent them feeling excluded.

I think they do think that. Also explains all those apocryphal stories of English people going into shops in Wales and having everyone immediately speak Welsh. Not because they’re just speaking Welsh but because they’re saying things they don’t want English peoole to hear.

If you read the post I was replying to it was asking why the friend felt it was rude for her two adult friends to speak in their own language while they were all out together.

Read my post and what I was replying to and you would realise that is not what THEY think but would you go out with some non Welsh speaking friends and chat away to your mate in Welsh all evening knowing they were sitting there like lemons?
I work with children and firmly support parents using their home languages with their children and the advice that one parent is consistent with each language at home. But older children can understand who speaks which language and should in that person's home use the language the home owner understands for conversation.

Exactly. Anyone who isn't an idiot can quickly grasp or start to pick up the meaning of the kind of language parents talk to their young kids. "Go and put your shoes on." "Do it NOW, please." "Do you want some more toast?" "Stop that, please. She doesn't like it." We're not discussing the mysteries of the cosmos with the kids, we're negotiating sibling play and table manners. Even my MIL who claims she can't speak English is able to follow most of what we're saying.

There is a difference between walking past an existing conversation and sitting with people who suddenly start talking in a language they know you don't understand when they speak yours perfectly well.

OP, there are many nobs on this thread.

English will take care of itself. In order for your children to be fluent in your language I think you should maintain your consistent approach. I would be totally unconcerned by a parent speaking their native language to their young children in my presence, regardless of my level of understanding. In order to include others, I generally use a mix of my first language and English with my slightly older bilingual children, but when they were very little I didn't use English at all. I think most people got the gist from context. But this tedious pissiness about other languages isn't really to do with understanding, as I think you probably intuit also.