To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

This is what we do. My husband speaks his language to our toddler always, even when in the presence of others. My parents don't mind at all.
It's so so important that OPOL is done consistently.

I would explain to PIL about OPOL, how it works, and why it's so crucial that you're consistent with it in all contexts.

speach therapy is one thing - linguistics is another. There is SHEDLOADS of evidence about OPOL and ML@home (which is what we did) and how it works.

my friends speak 2 different languages at home - French and English, and live in Germany. Their Children are fine in any and all of the 3.The parents speak a mix of French, English and German to each other for a combination of reasons, but they consistently (even now they are heading off to uni) speak to their offspring in their native language. According to the DCs it is odd if their English mum suddenly speaks French to them.

In a work environment, it is rude. But grandparents should be able to understand that this is for the benefit of the child growing up bilingual and accept it.

Wonderful to be bi lingual ours are but I would never speak anything but English around anyone English as that's totally rude when you can speak perfect English

Extremely puzzled by the idea that it’s rude to speak another language in general if there are other people around. Of course if conversation is general and someone makes side comments in another language - rude. If 2 people are chatting together at work or anywhere else and someone walks by who doesn’t understand what they are saying, who cares, and what’s it got to do with the third person anyway?

Not really. OPOL is One Parent One Language. So each parent speaks just one language to the child. Regardless of surroundings and company. That's literally why it's called that, not One Language At Home, Another Outside

@Zonder I think you're getting a little confused with "minority language at home" which works if both parents speak the minority language fluently. My husband can speak X but he's far from fluent (and wont exactly become bilingual enough to speak it in the next few months)

It is rude to speak one language to your child around family if it excludes them from understanding the conversation and you have a common language. How much time do you spend with ILs? Surely it wouldn’t be so frequent that it would undermine your child’s language acquisition.

It can be rude in a workplace setting especially if it is educational

But why? You wouldn’t say “can you have your chat with Martin a bit louder so I can hear everything you’re saying” so why is it different if I am speaking Italian, say?

I have my niece and nephew staying currently. Both bilingual with English and Italian as their mother did opol with them whilst living in Italy. Did them no harm nor did it harm their relationship with Italian relatives who spoke Italian to them. Interestingly they have both found learning other languages easy and my niece does half her schooling in French now (she is 18).

Keep going! You are giving them a gift.

@Renamed

If teacher is conducting a lesson and 2 students are conversing In another language in class, it is unprofessional and distracting and excludes other learners

It would be fine in their break

There is more context to this

My DGM was from a European country and was a SAHM whilst DGF worked long hours. She only spoke her language to DM and my uncle. My DGM only socialised with people from her country, who came over after the war and settled in the same area. A kind of expat community. DGM could speak English but would only use it in eg shops etc but still make mistakes well into old age.
When DM went to school, she was badly bullied and struggled to read and write in english although she could speak it. The teacher had to phone DGF to ask that DGM spoke English at home as DM was using non English words to count, to describe animals etc.
DGF put a stop to it, mostly, and arranged for his sisters to visit regularly to help, which DGM resented, even though they were older and not local so it sadly was only like once a week that they visited to babysit / read stories etc.
It really held DM back academically and socially and she gets tearful when she remembers. She left school with no qualifications whilst DF is degree educated.
Please dont do this to your children. If you want to teach them your language, balance this out more by giving them more opportunities to learn English eg playgroup and nursery for interaction.

That's exactly what I said! Direct conversation with each parent in their own language = one parent one language! I think you misread my post.

My comment about the home language was for when you, DH and DC are all together. Usually people using OPOL don't stick to that over the dinner table but choose a group language to use at home. Otherwise what would you do if one parent doesn't speak the other language? You couldn't have a group conversation.

Nope. Read my post above.

An example of this is a multilingual family I know where mum speaks X to children, dad speaks y to children but when they have whole family conversation they use y because X is the community language outside of the house. But if both parents didn't speak that language they could use the other as their family mode.

You are absolutely right in what you are doing. You are giving them a huge gift, not just in being bilingual, but in being able to understand how languages work, so they can easily decipher new words, or even new languages in the future.

Another huge plus is that the mobility of their tongue, neck and throat muscles will not be fixed in “default English”, so they should be able to pick up another language and speak without (or with less of) an accent since the muscles are already more flexible, (think of the French R and how hard it is for the English because the tongue doesn’t usually work that way) so with any luck they won’t have to spend ages trying to perfect the accent.

You are raising perfect spies! Or in the real world, people who are hugely employable because of their language skills and understanding of cultural backgrounds. Why would anyone want to shut that down, unless perhaps it made them feel inferior?

Basically, keep going, and ignore the in laws’ disapproval, just translate where need be and emphasise how clever their grandchild must be to be able to speak both languages at their age, maybe say their intelligence must have been inherited, if you can manage to lie convincingly,

(and try not to ask if they’ve ever been abroad!) 🤣

Fuck em. It is hard hard work getting kids to be bilingual and opol consistency is crucial. They need to be able to have an equal relationship with your family in language B too.

It's not random passers-by or others who just happen to be nearby that people are talking about here. Of course it's okay to speak your own language then.
But it's grandparents, at family get-togethers, who feel left out here.
OP needs to explain just why she does need to take the approach she's taking. Otherwise the situation is ripe for misunderstanding.

I agree. It's great that you are bringing the children up to be bilingual, but it's rude to speak to them only in your language in the home of people who don't speak it.

I think absolutely fine when you are as a family or at home. We do this too.

I do not do this in front of my ILs though as it’s really rude imo.

I am also in a friendship group where 2 people speak a language the rest of us don’t understand and they often speak to each other in X language when we are in a group. We all think this is really rude.

We did this with our kids, I spoke English and DH spoke only French to them regardless of where they were. He would however make sure he was including other people, so would translate if necessary so they weren't excluded. It got easier as the kids got older and could switch themselves between English and French. It's a great gift to your kids, my 16 yr old DD is on her way to speaking more languages now as she finds Spanish and Italian so easy!

Absolutely not! And your PIL should be understanding of the situation and want the best for their grandchildren. (Which is undoubtedly having two languages spoken by each parent in mother tongue.)
They can always ask you to translate things if they are interested.
I have a bilingual son as father is Greek and we've always tried to speak our native languages with him. Me English & husband Greek. Nobody ever complained, if anything they ask for translations or become more engaged in learning Greek by asking husband/son what some words mean.

But why do you need to understand their private conversation?