To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

@FrippEnos but they're not doing it in order to exclude anyone! They're doing it as part of the well-evidenced approach to raising bilingual children. Isn't this far more important than someone not understanding a bit of what's said in front of them? It's not like they're being read some critical legal document that will lead to serious consequences if they don't understand it or anything!

I have non-English native in-laws and the family often lapse into their native language when emotions run high, when they're tired, etc, and sometimes just cos they forget, I think. I don't see this as rude or exclusionary. I see it as them being their authentic selves. I absolutely love it. I've started to pick up the language myself and feel super proud of myself when I can understand what's going on, and they love it too.

My son is the same age as the OP's child and hardly ever speaks English despite the fact that I speak it to him all the time. The community language (his dad's language) is definitely winning at the moment.

But yesterday I took him to a GP in the UK and the doctor asked him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue and he did as he was told. He clearly understands everything. This will be even more the case for the OP's child who lives in the UK and hears English around them all the time.

Just stick it out.

I got loads of stick, not just from (late) PILs and the rest of the extended family, but also from the Nonni army in the playground, various teachers (especially in the early years and random strangers with an opinion they just couldn’t keep to themselves. All you can do is nod, smile and explain (again) why you are doing it, then more nodding and smiling. Ignoring the various complaints and keep doing it anyway.

DS is now in his early 20s, actively bilingual and FINALLY starting to appreciate that it’s an advantage. I did mostly because I wanted my son and I to be able to communicate in a shared mother tongue. But it’s really given him a leg up in the working world and done loads for his confidence.

The downside is that my Italian has deteriorated over the last couple of decades. Because DH understands us when we speak English, and I can’t just hop about between languages like DS can. I may have to go on a course and see if my peri-menopausal brain fancies doing something about the awful state of my articulated prepositions 😅

What rubbish. Do you think OP stays indoors all day forcing the kids to socialise with her and only her? They hear English when the radio is on, when they watch CBeebies, when they catch a bus, go to a playgroup, meet up with friends, AND when parents are talking together. Learning English is just going to HAPPEN. Learning OP’s language has to be TAUGHT, through consistent exposure and effort from OP. Luckily in her home she has time to do this. It is unfortunate that your DH doesn’t have the same amount of time available for teaching, but yours is a completely different scenario.

i asked my (now adult) DCs what they thought of a bilingual minority language upbringing. Their reply? Thank you, it's come in really handy.

one of mine went to a secondary school with bilingual classes in either local/English or local/French. They chose the French one (since they already spoke English). There was an aptitude test before acceptance, and the class was as big as legally allowed. So there were 33 children. And 30 of them were girls. and 32 of them had a maximum of one "local" parent, and one or two foreign parents. One solitary child came from a monolingual family.

And it was similar in the other (bilingual English) class. So at age 11 we could already see how bilingual children process things, because we parents all spoke to each other about the challenges, what had worked, what hadn't, and which of our languages were "approved" and which looked down on when we'd been out and about with our DCs. It was eye-opening and a rather fun 7 years of school.

Speak to them in your language. They will both grow up speaking fluent English, as that is the language of the society you are raising them in, the media, of education, and of the rest of the family. Your language, on the other hand, they will learn only from you so your speaking it to them is essential.

My wife speaks her language (not English) with the children, including when I'm there if it isn't a conversation involving me, and I'm entirely comfortable with this. You could perhaps be a little flexible in sticking with English for the odd phrase when around relatives you don't see much, in recognition of how they feel. As the children grow up, I don't think this will confuse them. But the issues your relatives have with you speaking your language are entirely to do with their attitudes and not to do with it being an inherently 'rude' thing to do.

You are wrong. Yes it WILL hinder the kids' language learning because they don't distinguish between the languages but rather associate them with a specific speaker. It's fine for them to hear different languages from different people, but if one specific person suddenly switches code it gets very confusing to them.

FWIW I'm a multilingual adult and even I have moments of non-comprehension if somebody with whom I usually communicate in language x suddenly addresses me in y! Even if I speak y very very well.
Thank you, you have greater knowledge than I have. But they will be observing their mum speaking in English to her inlaws. Did she say what language she and their father use at home to each other? I have bilingual relatives who used the same method as the OP. I remember the children using a mixture of English and Spanish in the beginning, but by age four were fluent in both with the occasional word in the other language.

Nobody said it doesn’t need teaching. But I think it’s fine for the bit of an english with the in laws esp if the child has v little at their age still.

Being bilingual didn't make me or you an expert in child language acquisition, especially where the dominant language is English.

Actual child language specialists consistently recommend OPOL and have done for several decades, stressing the importance of each parent sticking firmly to their primary language until language is firmly embedded with the child.

The idea that its rude to DGPs to tell a 2.5 yr old to put on their shoes in a "foreign" language is risible. If the DGPs had any interest in fostering their GDC language skills they could learn a few words themselves like many do in this situation.

HTH, HAND.

You're DEFINITELY not wrong they'll pick up English so easily. My kids speak 4 languages. Mine, my husbands, one from crèche and now a 4th from school.

@Mills86 You might “think it is fine” for her to speak English to her children when around the GPs but as multiple posters have stated over and over - actual child language experts are clear that consistency in OPOL in crucial if the child is to become truly bilingual. There is a ton of research to back this up. It’s infuriating that people keep posting saying they are “sure it’s fine” based on their zero knowledge vs decades of research and settled science.

Also, English will dominate very quickly once they go to nursery. These early years are crucial in establishing the other language. There will be no problem whatsoever learning English once immersed in it at nursery etc.

Lots of people on this thread who don't understand how to produce bilingual children

Its best if you both understand the other language so i always speak english and DH German. It would be trickier if there was a 3rd language between the parents.

A lot of English people in England perceive it as rude if people speak words that they don't understand. How about DH visits his parents without you while you are are doing opol if it has to be so strict or DH repeats in English to translate for his parents (as others have suggested) so they don't feel left out. They might even pick up a bit of your language that way.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/speaking-languages/zn73f4j

We have very good friends with children the same age as ours who are bilingual and their first language is one I don't speak at all. They often speak to each other and their children in their first language when we are around and I don't mind at all - but we like each other so I would never think they were saying anything sinister! However their kids go to nursery so they are also able to communicate in English, if not quite to the same level. I would send them to nursery - hopefully you will be eligible for funded hours at 3.

I agree with others that being bilingual is a huge gift and they need to be predominantly speaking the non dominant language at home.

My father spoke a different language but never taught his children one word of it. It threw up a barrier between us and our bilingual cousins, and these days, I do resent it a bit. My exH is bilingual and I wanted him to teach DD his first language.... but he refused because it would have required him to make an effort.

Being multilingual is a tremendous gift and I think your ILs are being rather silly and childish about it.

PS. Does your toddler not talk AT ALL?

Also, just to add I suppose I can speak more than one language and have spent time living overseas so I value this. Unfortunately the majority of the UK population doesn't value language skills at all and perceives it as "rude" if anyone speaks a language other than English despite expecting everyone in the rest of the world to speak English when they travel....

I think the parents in most families where bilingualism is truly successful make an effort to use each other's languages.

DH and I do communicate quite a lot in a third language - the language of the country where we both met. DD also had a nanny who spoke to her in this language when she was little. DD isn't fluent in that third language but she can speak a bit and pretty much understands everything.

I totally disagree with some of the previous replies. I would normally agree that it's rude to speak a language someone doesn't understand but I think in this scenario it's acceptable. This will hugely benefit your children. I would try and make sure they get a bit more exposure to English though so they don't struggle at nursery/school.

Speech and language therapist here. One language one parent isn't an evidenced based strategy. However English will always be more prominent. In their community once at school presumably when you speak to their dad. Therefore using your home language whilst they are little is essential in giving them a strong foundation whilst you are still their main educator. Ignore your in laws give your children this amazing gift!

The entitlement is unbelievable isn't it?

Absolutely children should be bilingual if they have parents from different countries with different languages.

But you should speak it to them in the family home or when just you and them in a shop.

Around PILs you should speak English as you can and it's not inclusive to PILs not to.

I had ds abroad. I spoke English to him and his father x. Despite me not being fluent in X language it was spoken when out and about with family from x country and I had to just accept I wasn't fluent. I absolutely would not expect them to speak English to me.

Even when out and about the expats spoke the mother tongue of the country rather than English to each other. It's called respect.

Absolute bollocks! Approx. 95% of Brits are monolingual, which is pretty shit.

The idea with OPOL is that you have direct conversation with each parent in their own language and stick to it, but there will be a family language that everyone speaks together. The recommendation usually is that the non local language becomes the home language to outweigh the external language input but I don't think it matters really.

So I would expect OP, in a conversation around the table with the GPs and DCs to speak English but in a direct communication with the DCs such as her example of putting on a jumper to be in her language to continue the OPOL.