To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

So what language does OP speak at home to dh? If she speaks English then she should do the same at PILs.

I think she is speaking English to PIL and using language X only when speaking directly to her children @RedHelenB .
Not sure what happens when it's a three-way conversation though. I know they're still very young but this could happen with the older child a bit?

You can speak what you like to your dc and I understand that it’s important to you to teach them your language but do you have to do it in front of the dgp’s? Surely for the limited time you are with them you could speak English?

Why?

She's not talking about speaking to her husband or her PILs.

She's talking about speaking to her children.

She should speak to her children in the language she always speaks to her children.

Ugh. You're probably the 50th person to make this suggestion and it has now been explained multiple times, by multiple posters, why this will harm her children's language development and why it is not recommended.

Absolutely stick to your guns. Research backs your approach, their opinion doesn't matter, the advantages of a fully bilingual child far outweigh sniffy relatives.

If you are in a conversation and someone starts speaking a different language to exclude you it is rude.
If you enter a room and people start talking in another language to exclude you it is rude.

my DCs are grown up now. We parents are both native English speakers but we live in a different country. When pregnant (and pre widespread internet) i researched bilingual children and we hit on Minority Language at Home. Had we both been native speakers of different languages we would have used One Parent One Language.

There are many studies to show how speaking to your children in your native language is excellent - don't let anyone tell you any different.

With your In Laws, i would probably say the things that you say to your children in your language, and then again in English, or summarised in English for the benefit of those who don't speak that language.

Children know who speaks what language so if their fear is that the children won't speak to them in a way they understand, it is unfounded. Although mine, early on, decided that English was language for speaking to grown ups and our other language was for children. They soon worked it out.

Use your own language!! Your children will become bilingual as they grow older as it is impossible to avoid the influence of the English language even if one wanted to!
There are areas within UK countries where children speak very little English until the age of 6/7, because they have their own indigenous Celtic languages.
My children are fully bilingual and I raised and spoke to them in a language that isn't English, despite all of my extended family being English-only speaking. Nobody even thinks about it now that they are older, but there were raised eyebrows at the time.

This 👏🏻

She's not speaking her language to exclude her in laws.

She's speaking her language to her children to ensure that they grow up bilingual in accordance with all the established research on this topic.

That is much more important than whether her MIL has got the hump or not.

nope. Bilingual children have huge advantages in other ways, it should be encouraged that they speak to their parents in that parent's native language.

I think your approach with how you and your husband speak to your children is great but I also think it's incredibly rude to speak to anyone in another language when you know that other people who are present can't understand what you're saying. As you only see your in laws once a month, I think it would be much better to speak to your children in English for such a short time, maybe repeating it in your home language.

Would you whisper to your children in the company of your own parents so they can’t hear what you are saying to them?

My DC are now 22 and 25. Husband (their dad) has always spoken his language to them and still does a lot of the time. My family always knew why. I wouldn’t say they are fluent (he works too much) but they understand everything and speak confidently.
It has to be a habit and takes discipline at the beginning. Well done. Keep going!

And of course the DC worked out DH understood English. If they spoke to him in English he never criticised, just replied in his own language. Same way as if they spoke to me in his language I just replied in English. Very simple system that works. But most give up, probably due to family and friends like those posting here!

He did speak english. He was a twisted old ..... who was uneducated and had a massive chip on his shoulder.

I think fine that you speak your own home language to them at home, but when out with family who don’t speak that language, you should be speaking the language that they understand. Seems rude to talk in a language that people don’t understand when you’re with them.

nope.
as countless pp said that's not how OPOL works.

Additionally: it's once a month, the PILs can suck it up for a few minutes, since nobody is asking them to speak that language. In fact it would be hugely beneficial for the children for the grandparents to speak to them in their own language. And read to them. The thing with bilingual children is that you really need to read to them a lot. In all the languages they are speaking.

As an aside. I speak only English to my DCs (even now, they are grown up, all their friends appreciate hearing a native speaker and idiomatic English and prefer us to speak English to them. I'm a qualified EFL teacher, maybe i should charge them).
Erm. Yes. I only spoke English to my DCs. My friend also not a native of where we live only spoke her language to her DCs. We were in a café once and a man said to me how great it was that i'm giving my children the gift of perfect English. And nearly in the same breath berating my friend for doing the same thing with her children but in Turkish (we didn't explain that her DH is English and they were OPOL too. At this stage, decades later, her children speak 4 languages, mine speak 3. nobody died)

Well done OP it’s a great advantage to be bilingual.My DiL is bilingual French / English and both she and my DS use French only at home with their children. They have English at school / nursery/ with us. The 5 and 7 year olds are fluent in both languages and can chat away to their French GPs with ease. I haven’t a problem with them speaking French in front of me, fortunately I can understand a bit and am actually improving my French with the aid of my GD. They are so lucky to have such a skill. Keep at it, perhaps just explain to your in laws how important it is to be consistent, your DC will soon learn to speak to GPs in English and you in your language.

Stick to your guns speak to your children in X language all the time even with in laws present.

I'm pretty certain all the replies saying it is rude don't have bilingual children. They are indeed ignorant to language learning.

I always always speak to my children in English unless they have friends with them who I am also addressing then I will tell my child in English first and immediately repeat in local language f9r friends benefit. No exceptions.

Your in laws obviously have no idea about bilingualism

@AllstarFacilier people keep making this same comment and ignoring the many many previous responses that outline why it is in fact harmful to the child’s language development to do this. Consistency is absolutely key in the well researched and widely accepted OPOL approach. I know it seems like it won’t do any harm but it does. This is well evidenced and backed up by lots of research.

You're doing the right thing. Ignore the people here saying otherwise who clearly don't know how language learning and bilingualism works. There is plenty of evidence on this and it supports your approach.

And ignore your PIL, their attitude stinks. How incurious and limiting of them. In their place, I'd be doing what I could to pick up bits of your language through what you say to your children in their presence.. and maybe even taking some lessons myself!

Multiple languages in a household are such a huge gift. More fool them for not realising that.

it is astounding how many people here have said OPOL is exactly the well researched and well evidenced way to go when speaking to the children.

OP has given zero indication that she does this to the ILs. It is one of the problems of OPOL when you live in the majority language country and can speak it yourself. It is absolutely A Thing that at some point (around when the DCs realise they speak a an additional, different, language to most of their friends, that they try to drop the minority language and persist in answering in the other. And the advice there, for anyone who may be experiencing this and hadn't heard, is to persist in OPOL. They soon grow out of it.

If the ILs in this particular scenario are so worried the DCs can't speak English (well the older one anyway) have they, you know, tried speaking to the child? My guess is that the child had ZERO problems understanding. And if it did? the ILs need to persist. Showing things, speaking words, doing actions. You know - how we all teach our children to speak.

@Joonio I understood from your post that he must speak English as well as the other native language. What I didn’t understand was why on earth someone would feel inferior to someone who only speaks English when they themselves speak English as well as another language. That’s just doesn’t follow logically. Why would you be “posh” and “superior” for only being able to speak English when he can speak English and another language? Strange.