To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Doesn't matter. My kids know perfectly well that I speak Japanese (pretty fluently) and hear me using it all the time - to other people. They also know that I almost never use it to them. I've never had any issues with my kids refusing to use my mother tongue (English), and I think having a clear and consistent rule like this has really helped. Otherwise, the "school language" tends to take over as time goes on. I've seen it happen in some other families.

OP, it sounds like you are doing a good job. I recommend ONLY accepting advice about bilingualism from other people who also have bilingualism in their families; I'm laughing my head off at some of the stupid things some people are saying on here.

I would be laughing too if it weren't so damaging.

Think of all the children who have been denied the gift of bilingualism because their parents followed bad advice, especially bad advice about being polite to other adults.

Being polite to adults, even your in laws, is NEVER more important than supporting your child's language acquisition. In fact, the in laws of all people should understand this the most, because they are family and you should be able to explain to them how important this is and how the intention is not to exclude them but to support the children in acquiring two languages.

By the way, I do know some families where parents switch language depending on situation - the use of language may be linked to the situation rather than the individual person. That's fine if it works for that family. But the OP prefers OPOL and clearly finds this simple, easy to remember and conflict free. She has the right to use it.

If you start pandering to in-laws your kids not going to learn your language. It's beneficial to be truly bilingual.

Okay, I see, thank you.

It’s not like she’s chatting to her in-laws in language X. It’s simply speaking to her DCs saying things totally irrelevant to PILs. I think they are the rude ones saying’huh’ when OP is obviously addressing DCs.

I think it's great that by our dc will be bilingual.

But I do think if you're in the company of friends or family you should speak the language used by all. Your dc will be in your presence far more than their df, as a sahp, and will be very experienced in X language so more exposure to English at the moment is a good thing.

My friend is doing one parent one language and speaks to her child in her mother tongue. When she is with me she’ll give me a brief summary especially if it is relevant eg just explaining what we’re doing next or just gave my kids a 5 min warning as we’re going soon. You could do something similar for your inlaws.

I am an EAL (English as an additional language) teacher, and I think it is fantastic for children to be able to speak more than 1 language. It is so sad when children are effectively cut off from communicating with one side of their family because they don't know their home language? You haven't said OP if you ever see your side of your family, and if you have relatives who only speak X (I assume, as you moved here at 14, at least one of your parents can speak English).

YANBU to speak language X infront of in laws - perhaps translate for them if they are feeling excluded and it isn't obvious - I am saying this only to appease them. Once your DCs start school they will be exposed to English all the time so this will become much stronger.

It's not as if your conversations are going to be about your PIL at the moment - I can see why they might feel a bit more concerned with adults / teens, but at that point DCs should be well established in both languages so you can speak English when PIL are around. I would also be tempted to offer to help PIL learn some of language X so they can feel included.

I think you speak your language in your own home, but when at your PIL it's fine for those short hours to speak English (snd when they visit your home) - after all you already say your eldest is more capable in your language so could probably have more practise. This will help when the child starts reception too.
I have relatives who used your approach but it was more equal as both worked, and they did modify it in the presence of others so all felt included (even if you are just saying 'put on your coat', people can be a bit worried that you might be saying 'I know her breath is stinky' if you get my drift).
The kids even attended daycare in a third language. They are trilingual now.

OP, I do think you and DH need to have a conversation with your PIL to explain what you are doing and why it is important at this developmental stage.

For people who don't have a background in bilingualism, switching to another language that your PIL don't understand can easily appear rude as many of the replies here have shown.
It's very clear they find your approach disconcerting, as would many people if it hadn't been talked through with them and explained.

Hopefully, they will be a lot more understanding when you have a chat about it all.

Stick with it but throw in some simple translation for your in-laws when you are with them.

Despite you being at home with them as they grow up pretty soon English will be language they are exposed to the most. It's literally everywhere but in your conversations with them.

If you want them to be properly bilingual they system you're using is the one that's recommended.

I think you speak your language in your own home, but when at your PIL it's fine for those short hours to speak English

This is the issue. People think all kinds of things. And then there's the well researched OPOL method which OP is going for. Really, what does it matter if she says put your jumper on in her language?

You are wrong. Yes it WILL hinder the kids' language learning because they don't distinguish between the languages but rather associate them with a specific speaker. It's fine for them to hear different languages from different people, but if one specific person suddenly switches code it gets very confusing to them.

FWIW I'm a multilingual adult and even I have moments of non-comprehension if somebody with whom I usually communicate in language x suddenly addresses me in y! Even if I speak y very very well.

I cannot believe people are still saying “oh speak English around English people, it won’t hurt” when the research shows it will hurt.

I also have a friend who does this. Also explain what you are doing by bringing them up bilingual and why. You can see from some of the comments here that there is a lot of ignorance and prejudices about bilingualism

What if it's a three-way conversation though @GrumpyPanda? Between OP, her child and MIL? Won't OP have to switch code then as MIL can't?

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn you can be bilingual yourself without knowing the research on the best methods to create bilingual children. OPOL consistency is well researched and backed up by plenty of data. It is normal in much of the continent or other countries where people speak multiple languages. If you don’t know about it perhaps have a look into it. OP is absolutely doing the right thing.

I think you are doing the right thing to support and encourage your children to be bilingual.

If the language of your home country is not understood by PILs, they could form the impression you are saying something about them, even though you are not.

Oh I cannot believe the first page of replies!!! Being bilingual has a hugely positive impact on the brain. Children's outcomes in education are improved due to being bilingual. Speaking your home language has lifelong benefits on a neurological level. Please continue speaking your home language as much as possible. You are giving your child a gift that is priceless.

Totally normal to speak language x to the child even I'm company who speaking/instructing the child directly. General conversation is different.

I winder how much the dad is doing if the 2.5yo only knows a few words in English. I do think he needs to make a point to speak more to the kids and maybe add an English language playgroup etc. So they'll learn before going to school.

But in laws are being ignorant. Growing up with 2 languages is a privilege and wonderful thing for the kids.

I agree with this. You’re a SAHM too so will have time for lots of exposure unlike your DH. I think it’d make more sense if he insisted on speaking the language he speaks to them even in company since he’s not with them most of the time. I say this because mine don’t hear my DH’s language as much as mine because he’s often home after their bedtime. It’s just the weekend really they speak to him in his language and even get to hear his language.

Yes it's rude to use a language the friends don't understand. My friends father used to do this to me to make me feel excluded. He used a thick country dialect in front of me I think because he thought I was 'posh' for speaking queen's English and he felt inferior. His problem.

@Joonio its not ‘friends’ it is the PIL - grandparents on the dad’s side. The children are 7 months and 2.5. She is following best practice when it comes to bilingual children - one parent one language. She isn’t doing it because she feels inferior or for any other reason than giving the gift of a second language to her children and following all the data and research on how to achieve this. This has so many cognitive benefits as well as ensuring her children are linked to her side of the family and that culture. It is a completely different situation to what you describe. It is very odd that your friend’s dad felt that only being able to speak English is ‘posh’ and he felt inferior because he could speak two languages. Seems a bit upside down to me. Did he ever actually say this?

Hmmm, your H doesn’t see, maybe it’s time he opens his eyes. Get him to explain to his parents why you speak to your children in your native language. Reassure them by repeating what you say to them in English.

English is the majority language in the land that they live, which means as they get older their exposure to it will eclipse their exposure to your native language.

It’s the ignorance in this thread that stopped me speaking English to DD, who refused to engage in speaking English at 3. I ignored the disapproving looks outside of the home but when preschool started firing them my way I subconsciously took the message to heart. Study, after study corroborates your decision but their unfortunately too many people who don’t understand that science don’t back their instincts regarding this subject.

KEEP GOIKNG!

Your children are very young and their English will catch up. Encourage an activity that only involves Daddy talking to his children.