To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

You're doing the right thing. One parent, one language is the best way for the children to learn both languages. Ignore the people saying it's rude! When you're speaking to your child directly there's absolutely no need for the whole room to be included!

Bilingualism is a gift to your children. It expands the brain's abilities in all sorts of ways, this is aside from acknowledging their cultural and linguistic heritage.

Your PIL can lump it. Your children are being learning sponges at the moment, immersing them in X language is really important at their ages. When they get a little older I would definitely be more inclusive with how you chat in front of others who don't speak X language, but right now anyone who wants to know what you're saying could probably pick up the meaning pretty easily if they tried - the language we use with children is pretty basic anyway.

I'm the monoglot in my household. My husband and both children are bilingual. I get the gist of most conversations even if I don't understand every word. I'm delighted that my children are bilingual and encourage them to use their second language as much as possible.

My kids are bilingual (the eldest is now 18), it is a big advantage. I have always spoken to them in my native language, no matter whi was present. If necessary, I would translate what i said into English to make other people comfortable. I saw so many parents abandon the second language and increasingly talk in English to their kids. As a result, the kids missed out on the opportunity to talk to their relatives in their native language, know a whole culture better, an advantage for their career, an extra GCSE / A Level... Are you ready to deprive your kids of all this just to please your in laws? Have a frank discussion with them so that they understand the reasoning behind teaching a second language to your kids.

Tell me you have no idea that I am a bilingual adult as a result of being a bilingual child without telling me...

So you genuinely think, for a few hours, once a month, to facilitate the only interaction the children have with the grandparents, this will stop your children from being bilingual.

You genuinely think this.

For OPOL to be successful you have to be consistent. When DT’s had friends at the house, i continued to speak to them in Flemish and DH in French. DT’s would translate for their friends - they swooped between Flemish, French and English easily although (we were living in London) English wasn’t ever spoken amongst the family

YANBU and I suspect the people saying you are have no experience of bilingualism. OPOL is a recognised method, and it's extremely important they get lots of exposure to x as they'll be exposed to English everywhere else.

We had a language workshop recently at my son's primary school. It was specifically meant for parents raising multilingual children. I asked the lady that same question, is it okay to speak my language with my child when non-speakers are present. She said, as long as the non-speakers are not actively involved in the conversation, it is perfectly fine. So when you tell your child to put the coat on, you do that in your own language, even if PIL are present.

As soon as they start nursery or school, they will catch up very quickly and you might notice that they choose to speak English when with your PIL and that is fine as well. There will be a lot of mixing of languages and that is completely normal. All part of the process of becoming bilingual. Your PIL just have to be a bit more patient until then.

The children are very small and they live in the UK. They will soon be in school where their knowledge of English will quickly overtake their knowledge of mum’s language. The likelihood is that they will use English as their method of communicating between themselves too as they grow. OP you are absolutely right to stick with your mother tongue when communicating with them. It’s the only exposure they will have and you need to be consistent. It is NOT rude to do this in company with others! And it’s so normal for bilingual kids to take a little longer sorting their two languages out before being able to chatter away in sentences. Guaranteed your older daughter understands a lot more English than she can say. Let PIL chat away to her in English. She is listening and she is learning! Lucky lucky children to have you committed to teaching this important skill.

I think it's such an advantage for your children to be bilingual, I would say keep doing what you're doing, and PILs need to get onboard. The only thing I would say is if you're a SAHM and so they don't get that much interaction with your DH (and therefore in English) perhaps consider nursery as well, so they're getting an equal amount of interaction in English, as otherwise there's potentially a risk that English comes on much slower which could be a disadvantage when they start school. It's well known though that when children are raised fully bilingual that speech is a little slower to start, but then once it does they're off.

I agree for the most part that one speaks in the language of the country you're in and/or in a way not to exclude others present but with a very large caveat that if you have the opportunity to raise children bilingually then do it, so that should trump PILs discomfort - your DH is presumably also present speaking English to them.

This.

Completely agree.
It's likely as well that the OP's own parents don't live in the country she does and thus see the kids much much less than her DHs parents.
They already likely get so much more time and interaction with them why make it harder for the other side of the family when they do get time together.

I'm in a similar situation to OP although my in laws are actually supportive of it and recognise how lucky they are compared to my own mum, and if anything they want to learn some of my language too to make communication with my family easier.

I have several friends who are bilingual and this is exactly how they were taught both languages. My close friend is Spanish, her husband French and the live here in the uk. Their children all spoke all three languages by the time they started school.

Group of adults choosing to speak in X when they can also speak Y and there's one person present who can only speak Y - rude.

Mother speaking to children in X when all the other adults are speaking Y and can also speak to the children in Y if they choose - not rude.

How do people not get this? OP, please carry on. My husband isn't bilingual because his parents didn't speak to him in their language growing up, we are all poorer for it.

It's the ignorant comment about speaking the language of the country you live in as a priority. That's the best way to ensure your child doesn't become bilingual. Now I don't suppose the person who made that comment would ever do anything as wild as going to live abroad, but if they did, the idea that they would speak anything other than English to their own kids is laughable.

Ridiculous and so ignorant about how bilingualism works!

we see them about once a month.

Its once a month.

Your kids aren’t going to lose the ability to speak your language because you talk to them in English once a month when visiting your in-laws.

One parent, one language is fantastic. If you are only seeing your in-laws once a month, I would speak English while you are together

yes, isn’t it rude of her PIL that she obviously been in their lives for years and they have put zero effort into learning her language.

Obviously also not bothered or interested in how bilinguality is actually achieved.

The problem is that speaking English to her kids, even once a month, teaches them that they can communicate with her perfectly well in English and don't need to bother speaking her language if they don't feel like it.

That’s not how it works with raising bilingual children. There are loads of papers on this.

But won't they hear her speaking English anyway? To shop assistants, for example, or nursery teachers, or friends or neighbours who don't speak language X?

What research have you done to make you so confident that the reverse is true?

I think it's unrealistic to expect them not to work out that she understands English, but they need to know that the language they must use to communicate with her is X language. And the only way to do that is to be consistent, at least until they are older and speaking both languages fluently.

Threads like this make me wish that there was an opposite to the "thanks" button so that we could "boo" the really ignorant, xenophobic posts.

Ignorant monoglots who believe that it's rude for people to speak their mother tongue to their own children makes me feel quite stabby. Completely idiotic!