To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

I agree, But imagine, even if it was an optional extra, such as violin lessons, it would basically boil down to this argument:

'I'm sorry, OP, but would you mind asking the children to not practice their violin as neither grandparent had the opportunity to learn violin during their lifetime.'

Or, if they were encouraged to practice, having to explain every single note to the grandparent, as they went along. 'That's A, G, and F sharp.'

Complete and utter madness.

I can understand the speaking the most commonly spoke language with older children, when we have a non English speaker in our household, now DC are aged 8-14, we tend to speak the language of the community we live in. Of course, despite best intentions, we lapse into English sometimes (especially as we don't know every single word in the second language vocabulary). But with younger children and at that age... no way.

OP - please ignore these type of posts they are well meaning but they are incorrect. Research shows that speaking your language is the best way to help your child become naturally bilingual. If you start feeling you can’t do this in front of other people you may begin to stop doing it and your children may begin to show a preference for you speaking English. These early months and years are crucial for language acquisition so please keep it up. I have friends who didn’t (because of feeling judged etc) and their children didn’t become bilingual. It’s such a wonderful opportunity. Please keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great. Maybe try and find some information/research to show your in-laws. Once the children are older and it is more embedded then you can be more flexible with which language you speak in front of others.

Just wanted to add that I’ve seen this where the child knows and understands the mother tongue but refuses to speak it and replies only in English. This happened because the mother tongue was spoken only when they were alone together and then English spoken when around others so she only had confidence in speaking in English.

Your Fil can ask to learn your language too, if he would like to understand your communications with your own children.

Great job, it's really hard committing to teaching your children another language when in this country as so many ppl feel insecure and feel the need to know what a mother is telling a toddler, when usually it's obvious( don't climb the table, sit back from the tv, careful that can hurt) just so they can feel included!

There are more ways to include ppl then to stop you from teaching your kids your language.
If DH had said its a none issue go with it, or as others have suggested translate if it makes you more comfortable.

It's not in the least bit rude. Don't let English speakers tell you this. Allowing English to be the default language is how other languages are erased. If you don't speak X to them they won't ever learn it. They will learn English eventually and although their language acquisition will be patchy at first they will catch up very quickly. If it bothers your in laws that much they can make an effort to learn some X so that they can communicate with their grandchildren.

"Hate" is pretty strong though. Maybe you should discuss this more with your Dh.

Yep, that’s also important. If your kids are replying in English, just keep going in your own language, don’t be put off. Well done OP, you’re doing an amazing job.

I'd just carry on doggedly. When they start school English will be very dominant and if they can they may resist their other language. It's so important to be fluent to be able to keep it up once they are aware English is the most useful language for them. I'd not care about the in laws. Aside from the advantages of bilingualism for the dc, it's also important for you to be able to communicate with your 'heart language' to your children if you want to- so they need to be completely fluent. This is way more important then whether other people feel it's rude. I have know many many many people do this. When my dc were little we lived in an international community no everyone spoke to their children in their first language regardless of the company they were keeping. There was an unspoken acknowledgment that English would become dominant for them so it's best to grab at any chance when they were little to help them learn their parent/s language/s. I'd suggest and explicit conversation between the DH and the IL to iron this out.

So many loud and wrong comments from people who clearly do not understand OPOL or how raising bilingual children works. You are doing the right thing for your children, OP. If you’ve explained how important the OPOL approach is to your PIL they should just accept it and learn to cope. Your child is two for goodness sake. You’re not exchanging hot gossip or having scintillating conversations with her. I would not sacrifice the chance for my child to be bilingual because some grown adults ‘feel uncomfortable’ about being left out of a conversation with a two year old.

As for worrying about children going to nursery with less English, this really doesn’t matter one bit. They will be totally fluent in a matter of months. It’s so clear that the people pushing English first really don’t have a clue how quickly kids pick up language or how raising truly bilingual children works. I am bilingual btw.

Omg. So many ignorant replies. Of course you should continue doing what you’re doing. It’s the only way your kids will speak their mother tongue. It’s so hard to have one non British parent and kids are surrounded by English every step of the way, apart from when they are with you. His parents should embrace it, encourage it, and should try to learn a few words. Keep doing it. It will make ALL the difference when their older and they will thank you for it. And I really dislike this “conform to the country you’re in” advice. Coming from a country where majority don’t speak a second language. Arghh

@buckingmad you’re absolutely right that being bilingual is brilliant. Using OPOL consistently is how bilingualism is achieved. This is what so many are missing here. Everyone agrees that having another language is wonderful, but many don’t understand how that is achieved. What OP is doing is a critical step towards the goal of having bilingual children. Consistency is so important, especially at this age. Very soon English will take over entirely unless OP is really consistent in sticking to OPOL.

keep up the one parent one language, if you were on the continent people would understand much better as its common for multi language households. In the UK its not as common which is probably why you have a lot of people saying its rude. If you want a langauage to be truly bi lingual each parent needs to consistent.

And for those who suggested it was rude to speak your own language to your children - imagine moving to France or Thailand and being told it was 'rude' of you not to speak to your own children in French or Thai! Nuts!

imagine moving to France and being able to speak French yet when in the company of the children's French speaking relatives, for a few tiny hours per month, deliberately only spoke English. Rude!

There fixed it for you.

OP not speaking X for a few hours a month is going to change bugger all. As well she knows. The xenophobia isn't from the in laws.

My parents didn’t mind dh speaking his language to dc in front of them. They even picked up some phrases in his language which they still use.

Wow.

My niece knows her Mum can speak English, but it is ingrained that they speak in X language. They do it religiously and my niece hates my SiL speaking English to her on the odd occasion they have to do it. When my SiL addresses my DC and niece it tends to be in English or she repeats it twice, or my niece translates now, it depends. However my DC pick up from the intonation frequently what is being said. Conversations are mainly in English between BiL and SiL or she’ll say something in language X and he’ll reply in English. The main thing is giving my niece the confidence to speak language X around other people so everyone in our family is supportive.

@Tintackedsea "It's not in the least bit rude. Don't let English speakers tell you this. Allowing English to be the default language is how other languages are erased."

Absolutely. But that is not what is being suggested here.

Tell me you know nothing about language acquisition in young children without telling me...

Ah but most of it is naice racism so that's ok.

I have to laugh at posters who virtue signal about the kind of ignorance shown in the "you should speak the host country language" upthread (apparently they haven't come across mult lingual countries) and who then go on to tell the OP that bilingualism is just so wonderful but she should speak in English whilst with the DGPs because its "polite".

Both groups are equally racist and ignorant, the latter just clothe it in "being polite". If DGPs are offended by not knowing the words for "put your shoes on" to a 2.5 year old then I suspect they fall into the latter category.

Sorry, not quite understanding, why should I be speaking the language of the country we live in? Why shouldn't my children speak their mother's language?

Every adult I know, whose parents could have but didn't teach their child "their" language end up resenting the parents at least to some extent for it.

Quite. It's impossible to completely understand a culture unless you speak the language.

I think you're doing the right thing op. One of DHs relatives is married to a woman from Spain and she will only talk to her children in Spanish. No problem at all with that.

Yes it's rude with adults to speak a different language but you're hardly going to be saying anything controversial to a 7 month old are you!

Great your children are bilingual but rude to speak it inform to those who don’t understand the language

Crack on, OP. I find it very sad that some dc don’t speak their parents’ language, even those with say both parents being Polish, for example. This or they have learned to respond in English even though both parents speak a different language. I am an MFL teacher and absolute will speak to the child in their native language if I can. At 2.5, I very much doubt that the OP is discussing deep and meaningful issues with her dc. How about the grandparents bother themselves to learn a bit of their dgc’s other language?

Much more rude of the DGC not to bother to acquaint themselves with the basics of the language that their DDIL and DGC speak.

I would really love to know if all those saying it is rude always speak the language of the country they are in, say on holiday.

Plus, reading the OPs posts, it's mostly little phrases and instructions she is saying. I'm sure the GPs could guess what she is saying.

Too bad the GPs aren't proud that their GC will be bilingual.