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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 28/12/2023 01:03

Hayzl · 28/12/2023 00:22

@wendall456 he sounds like my dp!

He is high functioning autistic (we believe) and has diagnosed ADHD.

It's tricky as he will not come to my work meals (around every other month) and does not attend any of my family stuff but will go to his occasional family meet ups (around twice a year).

I keep it this way as dp genuinely struggles with anxiety and will say it as it is but has no filter and will offend often.
He's fallen out with all of my family too through how he is but he picks faults with everyone!

I could potentially see autism and a lot of these other diagnosis's being used to cover up extremely selfish behaviour.

Can't be arsed to go to your stuff - oh yeah, I got XYZ.

You know, there are times in life when we all have to be outside our comfort zones.

SiobhanSharpe · 28/12/2023 01:04

Your DH sounds totally insufferable himself, OP.
The complete lack of compromise is telling. Why does he get to have it all his own way, all the time? This doesn't sound like any kind of partnership to me.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 01:10

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2023 00:49

The minute a man is horrible to his wife 'oh he's autistic/ND'. As if this is the readon for/ goes hand in hand with being a nasty person. How dense does someone have to be, to not see how offensive this thought pattern is? MN need to clamp down on Ableism here

This is worth repeating.

I'm not suitable to be someone's spouse because of how my autism manifests. I'm self-aware enough, even prior to diagnosis, to realise that I can't live with someone else without feeling like I'm imprisoned in my own skin and resenting every tiny annoying thing they do, so I am single. Emphasis: this means that I am not making a spouse's life a misery. These men, whether autistic or not, could also stay single instead of trying to coerce their wives into changed behaviours. But that would involve not having a live-in maid and bedwarmer...

The problem isn't autism, it's male entitlement.

Charlize43 · 28/12/2023 01:10

HamBone · 28/12/2023 00:37

Why don’t you view 2024 as a test year. He doesn’t socialize if he doesn’t want to and you socialize as you wish to. By the end of the year, you’ll know whether it’s working, or if he’s being controlling.

As your children are 17 and 14, you don’t need a babysitter so you can go out together sometimes if you wish.

^ Good suggestion.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 01:16

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 00:09

@JustAGirlScotland But you don't think most other people are bellends, you just find being around people difficult.

That's the difference between someone with a misanthropic personality and someone with ASD or social anxiety.

You can be autistic and misanthropic. I present exhibit A: myself.

There's no one I find it easy to be around and very few people I'd want to make the effort for.

My point is that one does not exclude the other.

LittleMissSunshiner · 28/12/2023 01:18

He may well be undiagnosed autistic -or- he may be having some form of mental health difficulty or a midlife crisis etc.

However, he's clearly told you that for the sake of his mental health, he needs to step away. That's vital information and you must honour it. His health must come first.

Too many people I know have taken their own lives. If he's suffering, he's suffering, and he's directly told you. Be kind.

If you think he's playing you or lying about it or being a deliberate tosser then diff story but you must know in your heart - is this a man genuinely struggling or is this a man who is pathalogically selfish, difficult, and lacking empathy? Autistic people have empathy, even though they can't cope with people.

MeMySonAnd1 · 28/12/2023 01:18

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people.

I think this is a perfectly valid point, but by the same token life is too short to be isolated from the people you love.

Let him meet with his 4 friends and avoid both families, but ensure you are free to choose when and how to interact with the people you like alone.

HamBone · 28/12/2023 01:23

Saschka · 28/12/2023 00:11

DH is like this - I see DM with DS, he stays home. When she comes round to our house, he either stays upstairs or goes out.

She did think he was being really rude at first, but 25 years later you realised he is like this with everyone and it isn’t anything personal. He is worse with his own family, only sees them at Christmas and birthdays. He’s also terrible with DS’s friends, so I have to do all the socialising and effort there, plus all the running round to activities and sports as DH can’t see the point in that either (the point is that DS loves them, but apparently that isn’t reason enough).

@Saschka As an outsider reading your post, your DH sounds incredibly selfish. I appreciate not wanting to socialize much, but refusing to take your DS to all activities/sports is pure selfishness. None of us enjoy turning out for all the practices, but we do it because our children enjoy them. He’s not supporting you and he’s not supporting your DS. Quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve either of you.

girlfriend44 · 28/12/2023 01:35

He will miss them all when they are gone end and he dosent have any family.
He dosent sound much fun to be honest.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/12/2023 01:37

“Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.”
This is the part that would be an issue for me and he has no right to make a fuss about it!
He can chose how to Live his life but he can’t dictate yours
Everyone is different I see no harm
in his way .
It is wether you can live with this type person.

Frances0911 · 28/12/2023 01:39

This is exactly what my bil did. My sister went along with him and cut off contact to a minimum with my self and parents. I would describe her husband as highly narcissistic and unsociable, but not autistic. My DM suddenly died, absolutely devastated at being cut off from her Grand children, so I will never forgive my sister for this.

Saggypants · 28/12/2023 01:41
  • He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.

This stood out to me. If I were you I'd be more worried what HE will be like as he gets older. He's already withdrawn, judgemental, limiting, boring, self-centred, uncompromising - I wouldn't want to hang around that to watch it get worse.

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 01:54

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 00:06

He doesn't say it's an issue he has about socialising per se, just that he hates everyone in her family.

@ClareBlue OP's said he has said he doesn't like being around most other people too, there's only a handful or less of people he tolerates.

But he only likes being with normal people like him. Which is 4 people. Everyone else isn't normal so not worthy of the effort to socialise with. His backing out is judgemental, not down to abilities to be sociable.

SmellyKat10 · 28/12/2023 01:55

I mean I read the first paragraph of your OP and thought fuck me, how could you be arsed with this

Fraaahnces · 28/12/2023 02:01

Thing is, @wendall456 - if he were to take responsibility for his feelings, he would be saying “Look, I’ve got people burnout. I can’t face the idea of socializing at the moment. You go and have a good time while I de-stress.”, that would be a mature, caring, NORMAL response. Instead, he’s trying to gaslight you by making it seem like your desire to socialize with people you like abnormal. He is angry and resentful that you want something different to him, and rather than spit it out by saying, “Hey, I’d really rather just hang out with you atm…” and allowing you to choose, he is putting all responsibility for HIS feelings into you. He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings at all.

SmellyKat10 · 28/12/2023 02:02

Why do people make life so complicated for themselves.

There are actually men out there who aren’t weirdos. Just saying.

SapphireSeptember · 28/12/2023 02:10

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2023 00:49

The minute a man is horrible to his wife 'oh he's autistic/ND'. As if this is the readon for/ goes hand in hand with being a nasty person. How dense does someone have to be, to not see how offensive this thought pattern is? MN need to clamp down on Ableism here

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say in my long waffly post.

I know a lot of people who are ND, there was a bloke I used to work with who would drop me off at home if we were on the same shift, my friend is lovely, my mum, my friend's son and his friend. I feel like as difficult as the world is to navigate, I can't be horrible to people. I am finding myself increasingly grumpy at the moment, but that's because I'm pregnant and my hormones are doing weird things, so I go and chill for a minute to calm down and I feel better, especially if I have a ginger biscuit.

I had a boyfriend who made me feel utterly dreadful. He was depressed, autistic, but also the most selfish person I've ever known. Everything was about him and his feelings, and despite my best efforts he would rather play the victim than get any help whatsoever. He kept telling me he wanted to off himself, how awful his family were, but wouldn't get a job and move out, and somehow managed to make my friend dying all about him. He would push me to absolute breaking point. I find that when I am tired, my ability to regulate my emotions gets worse, and I'd be trying to go to bed, tell him this, and he'd think that was a brilliant time to tell me he was going to jump in front of a train (knowing that trains are one of my favourite things) drown his sister's cat, or break up with me. I had more full on meltdowns (the kind where I hurt myself) in the five months I was with him than before or since, and worried a friend of mine dreadfully when I admitted this to her. I don't know why I put up with it for so long! He eventually dumped me, about a week after having a full on MRA type rant, and I just felt blessed relief. It was also the day after I got back from being on holiday with my family, and I avoided talking to him during that time because I didn't want him to spoil my mood!

I'm in a chatty mood today! 😅

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 02:21

Stressedafff · 28/12/2023 00:22

My daughter’s dad did this. I thought at first he just didn’t want to socialise but it was ok for me to, then he started making comments about the people to me, if I mentioned my mum, sister or friends he’d act annoyed. I stopped seeing them as much. It was in my case a method of control and isolation and he isolated me to the point I ended up with horrific social anxiety and I can barely string a sentence together in social situations.
Your “D” H sounds as vile as my ex

This is ultimately what happens. You're not alone in this what so ever. I've seen it so many times. Starts off everyone rationalising it and saying if they don't want to socialise then that's their choice. But their isolation is compensated by over reliance on their partner that leads to critising their partner for socialising away from them. Partner gets anxious about this. The times are quite good on a one to one, but then as time passes it is only one to one and then the partner can only do one to one.
Hope you are managing to undo it.

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 02:26

@SapphireSeptember I'm not comparing you to a goat, but our goats absolutely love root ginger when they are pregnant😂
I thought it was just a goat thing, but maybe not.

SapphireSeptember · 28/12/2023 02:51

@ClareBlue 🤣 I'm a huge fan of ginger anyway, but more so now as it keeps the sickness at bay! And I am the GOAT. 😁🐏

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 28/12/2023 02:53

Sorry OP, but after your update he sounds even worse!! Can you imagine yourself growing old with this man?

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 03:08

Stressedafff · 28/12/2023 00:27

I take it autism is the new thing now to keep us putting up with shitty arsehole men and coercive control. Fab

Show quote history

Unfortunately. I think you might be correct.

Ossobuco · 28/12/2023 06:46

Also moaning about your kids going to sports practices etc is a big red flag. He’s could be very anxious and that manifesting was control (being as generous as I can here) so it’s vital he gets help rather than you and your kids curtail your lives for him.

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 28/12/2023 07:35

Sounds like his world is getting narrower every year. How long will it be before you and your children end up on the list of people he does not really like and does not want to spend time with?

Fraaahnces · 28/12/2023 07:37

Even if he is ND, doesn’t mean you HAVE to put up with that shit. You have no obligation to be lonely and miserable because HE doesn’t do people.