DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

[wendall456]

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

It’s fine for him to make decisions for himself. It’s not fine for him to be critical of you spending time with family (by slagging them off whenever he gets the chance) or you socialising. Trying to stop you socialising and spending time with friends can be classified as abusive behaviour as it’s isolating.

I am a bit like the husband in this scenario though there are some members of his family I'm happy to see.

You do often see on here when women ask that it's OK to have boundaries and you don't need to make yourself uncomfortable. I feel like this would get a different response the other way around.

I think it's fine as long as he isn't stopping you seeing them alone.

If the amount of socialising at Christmas is hard for him, does he have the option of working? Would his job enable him to do this and have the days off some other time? He can be at work when some of the people you meet at Christmas visit or are visited.

I don't like one lot of my late DP's family. We used to avoid going to visit his mum when they were going to be there, or he would go alone and I would have a "diplomatic migraine" or some other excuse not to go.

The problem isn't autism, it's male entitlement.

Thank you.

If a woman told her husband she was "scared he was turning into his father", or chided him for going out too much she would be called a nag or a control freak.

@Autumnleaves89
Of course that's a dick move from him. But I was commenting on the say "no" more.

@randomstress
Oh absolutely! I try to give my 10 year old the same view. Life is to short to say yes if you don't want to. If someone asks me to go here or there or even family and I just wasn't feeling it I'll kindly say no. It's never effected anything. Just means I'm more happy 😊

@3ofus3

But everyone is bending over backwards to focus on his right to avoid family gatherings, as if this is the main point, and ignoring his insulting and abusive behaviour.

Yes if he needs down time and doesn't want to be forced into spending all his time with his wife's family that's understandable and should be accomodated (up to a point).

But the real story here is his insulting and controlling behaviour towards his wife. Trying to imply that "turning into her mother" is the worst possible thing for her. Suggesting that if he had met her family before marrying her he wouldn't have gone through with it. Suggesting she goes out too much. This is all a pattern of behaviour, he is trying to gaslight her into thinking her family is toxic just because they make him feel inadequate, and trying to bully her into being as socially isolated as he is.

Being an introvert or ND is one thing. Being socially anxious is one thing. Bullying your wife into being as isolated and anxious as you are is quite another.

Absolutely

I think it’s really important that you continue to make/keep plans with friends, and push back on any resistance/sad face from him - do not go along with his wants for an easy life or you could end up lonely and isolated.

personally I couldn’t be with someone who considered themselves so superior to everyone else.

Sounds like he’s done Christmas your way for 18 years and now he’s taking a year off. Go see your family, let him have some time at home. Or he can fein illness and stay upstairs whilst you have your family round.

Just dump him op. As he says - life is too short

We've already established that he's extremely socially inept and you'll never get past that, but this

He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum

Stands out as being uniquely vindictive and spiteful. That's a truly ugly thing to say to your spouse.

Everything you've said here screams of a petty, small-minded and selfish man with a chip on the shoulder who resents you for basically being in every way more likeable and socially capable than him

Er…maybe they just don’t have anything in common. One is anti-social the other is extroverted. Neither wants to really want to accommodate the other much.

I know being sociable is seen as the be all and end all of being a good person and that people who find it hard should just make the effort but really you do get to the point where you’re burned out. And yes you do start to dislike the people who do nothing for you but expect you to perform for them because of reasons. I’ve experienced it myself (social anxiety in my case not autism). It’s not the best and you do need to address it but socially inept, small minded, selfish, chip on your shoulder? Nah.

I appreciate that the husband is had been rude to the OP and not I’m defending that.

Self diagnosis and armchair diagnosis of autism is out of control and is increasingly being used to excuse or explain behaving like an absolute neurotypical twat. It is so infuriating and ignorant!

Autism is not a fucking identity. It’s a disability.

I can still see compatibility issues going forward with this one.

Even if OP ends up doing her own thing, eventually they'll start leading separate lives and drift apart, the husband with his selected 4 friends and shitty comments which already reveal a great deal of resentment and attempts at isolation and control.

I'm more inclined to say, get out while you are still young enough to get the life you want.

Even if he is diagnosed as ND or Autistic, her mental health is just as important, of which he has shown absolutely no consideration - it all seems to be about him and what he wants! Are Autistic & ND people normally so completely self obsessed and selfish?

My conclusion is that they have grown / destined to grown even more incompatible. Clearly the OP posted this because she is not happy.

Give him a taste of his own medicine and tell him life is too short (to live with someone who has no feelings for you).

Are Autistic & ND people normally so completely self obsessed and selfish?

No.

And this guy isn’t diagnosed. He’s not autistic. He’s a typical NT arsehole.

@DarkWingDuck

if my husband feigned illness and cowered upstairs all day at Christmas just to avoid my family I’d dump him

Self diagnosis and armchair diagnosis of autism is out of control and is increasingly being used to excuse or explain behaving like an absolute neurotypical twat. It is so infuriating and ignorant!

Autism is not a fucking identity. It’s a disability

It was the OP who said her husband is probably autistic.* *

Yep. Same with my ex. And sure, he would always claim ‘I’m not stopping you seri g them/going out’.

And sure, he wasn’t blocking the door, but over time he made it impossible for me to go out without him.

If people came to visit, he would make the atmosphere so unpleasant they would leave and eventually stop coming.

If we went out together he would either make it so plainly obvious that he didn’t want to be there that I would agree to leave out of embarrassment and shame, or he would be constantly under his breath passing judgement on the situation/place/people, criticising and finding fault and ‘can we go now’ like a bloody toddler until I have in and left.

If we were due to go and see people or just go out at all, he would mysteriously become ‘ill’. Or one of the kids would suddenly be ‘looking like they are coming down with something’ so we’d have to stay home.

If I made plans to go out alone there would be days in the lead up of guilt tripping, about him being left all alone, criticising my plans or who I was meeting up with, how long was I going to be? How long?! Why?! Then on the actual day and hours before, he would suddenly be ill and unable to look after the kids, or one of the kids would be ill and ‘needs their mummy’. If I tried to stay firm and go out anyway I’d then get passive aggressive comments like ‘that’s ok, you go out and enjoy yourself, I’ll just have to try and manage by myself when I’m ill - sorry DC, I know you are poorly but mummy wants to go out and have fun’.

If I did manage to get out I would be bombarded with texts and phone calls about when would I be home, or some other emergency I needed to come home to straight away.

This happens gradually over time, and creates anxiety and fear, and dread, and eventually you just give up, you stop going out, you stop making plans, you stop accepting invites, people stop coming round, stop inviting you out, stop calling even (because if someone called me on the phone my ex would chime in in the background so they knew he was there or otherwise make it impossible to have a conversation, complain about how long they’d been on the phone etc). You become completely isolated from the world and unable to make even the simplest of decisions for yourself.

But sure - they aren’t ‘stopping’ you from going out.

Bullshit.

It’s coercive and controlling behaviour, is abuse. It may well come from a place of unconscious fear for the abuser - but that doesn’t make it any less abusive.

Get out now OP.

I sometimes think, in situations like this, whether or not someone has a diagnosis is a bit of a distraction. He clearly has issues tolerating
social situations with the majority of people.

I think his new plan not to socialise with family could work, if you both wanted it to, if you set some ground rules. These could include things like: not to judge or question each other about your choice to meet up with people or not (including who you choose to meet), the majority of socialising will happen outside the home but one meet up per month can be within the home, if he is in the house when gatherings happen, he will be polite if/when encountering visitors etc.

If the marriage is a happy one other than this issue, whilst it is significant, with effort, it could be worked around. People who experience overwhelm and burn out from socialising should be able to avoid socialising when this is avoidable but this shouldn't stop others from socialising.

What a joyless life. Leave him.

@Rinoachicken

Yep. Same with my ex. And sure, he would always claim ‘I’m not stopping you seri g them/going out’.

And sure, he wasn’t blocking the door, but over time he made it impossible for me to go out without him.

If people came to visit, he would make the atmosphere so unpleasant they would leave and eventually stop coming.

You are so right.

So many people saying he shouldn't be forced to socialise if he doesn't want to.
Of course. No one should be forced to do anything they don't want in a marriage. But there comes a point where lack of compatibility and lack of compromise essentially renders a marriage pointless.

Part of the social contract of a marriage (or indeed of any serious human relationship) is tolerance of the other person's life, their personality and their broader network of relationships. You don't have to share all your partner's interests, friends, hobbies, you don't have to love their family, you don't have to be joined at the hip (in fact it's beneficial in many ways if you're not).

But insisting on living in an essentially parallel universe because you can't bring yourself to tolerate someone's family ever, even just for a couple of hours a year. Insulting someone's family: implying that turning out like their mother is the worst possible fate that could befall them, suggesting that their family is so awful that it would have been a dealbreaker to the marriage, implying that going out is selfish. These are all coercive and isolating behaviours which are designed to belittle and control.

I can't believe so many people are suggesting the OP accommodate this and make excuses for it. She can do, from a practical perspective, of course she can. But what is the point, what is the underlying logic of a marriage between two people who have nothing in common, who hate one another's families and social networks and who have designed their lives around avoiding contact with anyone outside the family? What signal does this send to their children about how they build their own lives? Where's the value?

I can't believe so many people are suggesting the OP accommodate this and make excuses for it.
Ultimately he just doesn’t want to do a large round of socialising. He isn’t actually obliged to. And I’m sorry but she CAN go without him. If he starts trying to stop her then yes she should leave.

But what is the point, what is the underlying logic of a marriage between two people who have nothing in common, who hate one another's families and social networks and who have designed their lives around avoiding contact with anyone outside the family? What signal does this send to their children about how they build their own lives? Where's the value?
If they have nothing in common that’s not all on him is it? If their differences are irreconcilable then yes they may have to split up 🤷‍♀️

He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.

This stuck out for me.

Never mind the insult to your mother, who I assume does not eat puppies for breakfast, he's setting up the scenario that if you turn into someone he can no longer 'tolerate' then you can be cut off too.

It's an attempt to control and manipulate you.