DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

[wendall456]

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

DH is like this - I see DM with DS, he stays home. When she comes round to our house, he either stays upstairs or goes out.

She did think he was being really rude at first, but 25 years later you realised he is like this with everyone and it isn’t anything personal. He is worse with his own family, only sees them at Christmas and birthdays. He’s also terrible with DS’s friends, so I have to do all the socialising and effort there, plus all the running round to activities and sports as DH can’t see the point in that either (the point is that DS loves them, but apparently that isn’t reason enough).

•refusing to socialise with your family
• getting annoyed at you going out
• “scared of you turning into your mother”
• if he’d known about your family he wouldn’t have married you
• criticising your family

All sounds like a way to control and isolate you if you ask me. Autistic or not he sounds a rude, arrogant prick

He's right with the life's too short to fake it. Why should you?

Do you actually like each other? Enjoy being together? Have a good time in each others company?

Or is this just a habit? We've spent so many years together we can't split now?

Is he really right? Are they all annoying? Or is there something about him?

Has something happened? A huge 'can't get past that' incident?

Getting quite annoyed at autism being used as an excuse for being a twat and these days everyone thinks they're 'something or other'.

And yes, I too am sick of "might he be autistic?" popping up on every thread about shitty male behaviour.

While I agree, this time it's not posters suggesting autism but it's in the first sentence in the OP that he possibly is especially as OP's dc is diagnosed autistic/like him.

Going forward, I think OP you need to think about compatibility and what it is that you want. Can you live with an antisocial husband who doesn't want to be around people? What about you? It's all very well him laying down his Ten Commandments but what are yours?

@wendall456 Stressedaf is right that it's controlling if he rains on you going out with others and stuff.

Thank you for writing clearly what I was struggling to articulate.

He's insinuating that there is something wrong with OP's judgement because she wants to socialise with her own family. "He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family" doesn't negate that because tolerance of her seeing them is not the same as approval.

OP hadn't mentioned the autistic DC at the time that Porridgeinblankies and I posted.

Also, being autistic isn't an excuse to be rude to one's wife because one doesn't like her family.

My daughter’s dad did this. I thought at first he just didn’t want to socialise but it was ok for me to, then he started making comments about the people to me, if I mentioned my mum, sister or friends he’d act annoyed. I stopped seeing them as much. It was in my case a method of control and isolation and he isolated me to the point I ended up with horrific social anxiety and I can barely string a sentence together in social situations.
Your “D” H sounds as vile as my ex

@wendall456 he sounds like my dp!

He is high functioning autistic (we believe) and has diagnosed ADHD.

It's tricky as he will not come to my work meals (around every other month) and does not attend any of my family stuff but will go to his occasional family meet ups (around twice a year).

I keep it this way as dp genuinely struggles with anxiety and will say it as it is but has no filter and will offend often.
He's fallen out with all of my family too through how he is but he picks faults with everyone!

Does everyone cater to him so things will go smoothly?

I can't imagine how cruel he'd be if you or one of the kids got on his bad side, and he decided he didn't like you anymore.

You’re right, DH has a general problem with socialising and isn’t openly rude about people. He’s a lovely man who adores his immediate family but really doesn’t like many people and avoids social contact at every opportunity. He’s in the fortunate (!) situation of not having many in-laws as most of them are dead and the few left live miles away. I’m guessing it would be a very different story if I had living relatives nearby.
I still think in both cases (DH & OP DH) it’s fear-based and comes from feelings of inadequacy.

I take it autism is the new thing now to keep us putting up with shitty arsehole men and coercive control. Fab

Picking faults with everyone is not autism it's called being an arse!

True! I have an ASD DS and DH so it seems quite feasible - except for the fact that OPs chap was OK for years. Either scenario could be right.....

I’m sociable and I like most people, but I’ve been feeling like a Grinch on and off the last couple of weeks. I made an effort for Christmas because of the kids, as I wouldn’t dream of letting them down and spoiling the Christmas magic for them.

I spent Christmas Day with a young family member (20’s) who’s struggling with their MH, and who recently flipped at other close family members a few days before Christmas. I told them that I’d been feeling like the Grinch. They said ‘The Grinch actually likes Christmas, they just don’t like people.’ They also said they only had five friends and generally do not like people.
It made me think, and I do understand.

Everything you've said here screams of a petty, small-minded and selfish man with a chip on the shoulder who resents you for basically being in every way more likeable and socially capable than him.

THIS

Yes I know. I was only responding to your posting about " 'might he be autistic?' popping up on every thread about shitty male behaviour". It does happen but not on this thread as OP mentioned it first about her dh in her first post.

Also, while I agree as well, being autistic can mean not being intentionally rude but perceived to be - rightly or wrongly - due to how things are said/done by the autistic person.

Why don’t you view 2024 as a test year. He doesn’t socialize if he doesn’t want to and you socialize as you wish to. By the end of the year, you’ll know whether it’s working, or if he’s being controlling.

As your children are 17 and 14, you don’t need a babysitter so you can go out together sometimes if you wish.

Stop labelling / diagnosing arseholes as autistic ffs. It’s offensive.

You're indulging him too much. Just say 'fine', and go spend time with your family yourself. & don't come back wittering on to him about he should make the effort to come. & if he asks questions about your family/visit just don't talk about it. He doesnt like your family then he doesn't need to know anything, does he? He's told you very plainly how he feels so what more is there to say?

No doubt the armchair psychologists here will diagnose him for you. But he could actually just be an insensitive dickhead, horrible to his wife and lovely to his friends. Whichever it may be, you dont have to wrap yourself up in his issues. & he's not the boss if you. Life is short so live yours, just like he says he's going to.

The minute a man is horrible to his wife 'oh he's autistic/ND'. As if this is the readon for/ goes hand in hand with being a nasty person. How dense does someone have to be, to not see how offensive this thought pattern is? MN need to clamp down on Ableism here

I don't think it would be a massive issue for me if he was just choosing not to see anyone apart from his Gang of Four. I'd just be really straight with everyone and tell both sides of the family that he doesn't want to socialise with anyone any more. I had a couple of uncles who would make themselves scarce when family visited: I suspect it's a male thing, but I've been known to be very busy and required to spend a lot of time working in my office upstairs when certain in-laws have visited.

Will he come out with you to, say, a concert or the theatre, OP? To the children's school plays and teachers' evenings? Will he supervise the children and their friends during the holidays, or is this something you're expected to do — and if so, will you ever be allowed any time off from family duties? What do you do on holidays? I love spending time on my own and having the odd week or weekend away on my own, without anyone else to please. But if this means that he's not going to come away on holiday with you, I would regard that as a massive change of the rules of engagement.

Aside from the fact that any major change in the way you all live should be negotiated not just declared, and aside from his comment about not marrying you if he'd known your family better, and aside from him worrying that you'll turn into your mother — which I think are all things that would make me want to think seriously about my future with him.... Aside from all that you say he's also trying to prevent you from going out and being sociable. And that's absolutely not acceptable.

The other thing I'd be thinking about longterm is all the research that shows that to be mentally healthy and to thrive in later life, people need to socialise and have some curiosity and interest in the world. Only the other day there was research indicating that sociable people seemed to be able to dodge Alzheimers by continuing through their lives to build new neurological pathways that helped them cope with the disease, while less sociable people succumbed.

What does he do with his four friends? Is it pub or booze-related, or hobbies?

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. My dp is also very unsociable. He has very few friends and rarely sees any, rarely sees his family, doesn't like many of my friends, makes little effort with acquaintances, and dislikes socialising in groups.

He'll make limited effort with my family - they live a long way away so have to stay at least a weekend when we/ they visit - eg I'll go and visit them alone without him, he'll often go and do his hobby when they visit us, but he will spend some time with them, meals etc when they visit. He's also got worse as he's aged - he recently didn't come downstairs at all when I had friends round (parents of dcs friends/ my friends).

I have learnt to compromise as the only option. For example, i don't book too many joint things in, avoid inviting more than 1 family over at once etc. However, I feel increasingly resentful. It's hard to socialise with families when I'm usually alone. I've also come to think people don't like him, and are less likely to invite me to things as a result. He's a handicap to me making friends. I long for a more sociable life.

However, I remind myself that he makes compromises in other areas, and decided on balance my and dcs lives are better with him in it than without. It does make me sad though, and I worry what he is modelling for dc.

I think you need to decide if there's enough good about the relationship that this is worth it. And if there is, make efforts to keep your family and friends - there's no reason you can't go out or invite them round- with notice he can make himself scarce if need be. Don't become isolated. I feel I am starting to eg not inviting people round as I know he'll moan/ potentially look grumpy - but planning to reverse this as I don't want to go down that lonely path.

I also think limited honesty with your family might take some pressure off. I assume they might have picked up on some negativity from him? Tell them he's struggling to socialise generally so you don't keep having to make excuses fir him. And don't let it clip the wings of your sociable child. If he can't make an effort for dc, maybe he's not worth staying with.