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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates people and will no longer tolerate people he doesn't like including both our families

320 replies

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 20:40

My DH (possibly undiagnosed autistic) is not a people person and finds people annoying. He really hates my family and isn't overly keen on his either but I like my family - this is where the problem lies. He feels like he is going to explode when around anybody apart from the few people he likes (which is probably 5 different people ). He hates any type of socialising apart from with his 4 friends who he likes. Every christmas we end up arguing about it and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months . We have been together 18 yrs. He knows that there is not much he can do about it as they are my family but he wishes I could see how annoying they are . Last year he really struggled over christmas with having to tolerate people and he made a really good effort all of this year to learn to tolerate people but he has decided he can't live a lie anymore and "pretend" so from now on he is going to only like who he likes and not pretend by tolerating people he doesn't like.

He says life is to short to fake it and he understands that I like my family and I like his family too but he is no longer able to pretend to like people. This means this coming year instead of making an effort he will completely step away as he needs to look after his own mental health and do what is best for him not other people.

My argument to this is that I would never treat people the way he does and although he doesn't actually treat them particularly badly because they aren't his type of people he doesn't want to be around them at all and he is so much happier when he doesn't have to be play happy families.

So this year he wants no contact with either side or made or forced to be social with anyone he doesn't like.

AIBU to think he is being selfish or should he do what is best for him and what keeps him sane?

OP posts:
XmasStriper · 27/12/2023 23:33

What was the situation with the childcare?

Was it offered? Did you ask and were rejected?

Obviously no-one is obliged to give any time at all, but I can understand if he felt you struggled through alone/as a couple/had to pay for and organise all childcare, being expected to now give time and social energy "as if you were a close family" might sting.

As I get older, I dont see the point of allocating a lot of cognitive load, time, and social headspace to people who vanish when the the boring hard stuff happens? (Whether its family or friends).

Plenty of fairweather friends to be had (but as soon as you mention a problem or something that's not fun or social they're away).

FlyingMonkeyNever · 27/12/2023 23:33

Sorry OP; I posted before seeing your update.

Gusti · 27/12/2023 23:34

Just go. You deserve to be happy. He's worried you'll become your mother?! He can truly go fuck himself. He's insulted you and your mother. Honestly the man isn't worth it.

AnotherEmma · 27/12/2023 23:35

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:20

To be fair the rest of the year the contact with family (both sides) is much more spread out but at christmas it is literally a week of fitting in seeing everyone and he is off work too and doesn't want to spend his holiday seeing and being around people. Tomorrow we have no plans so hopefully will get to out for a walk together without him having to see anyone but on Friday we are seeing his mum and brother and sister in law and nephew. I would like him to come but I do think he is definitely on people burnout and will probably flip out (which he has been honest about ) if he does come. I am not defending him but I do think I have packed to much social contact in to this week and he just can't cope - hence the nasty remarks about my family - or then maybe I am making excuses for him. I am so confused........................

Exactly how much family/social time has there been this week? And has it all been with your family so far?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 23:37

Bitchassmosquito · 27/12/2023 22:35

So he's either a calculating, abusive cunt who is trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her family or just a sociopathic cunt with no friends who is jealous that the OP is better at relationships and is lashing out at her as a result. Not sure which is worse.

I don’t really see any evidence that he’s either of these things tbh. I’m not trying to argue he’s a personable person, because he obviously isn’t, but a sociopathic cunt? Because he won’t visit people he doesn’t like? Give over.

and he this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

In that comment about OP's family, he undermines their entire marriage. That's the evidence that he's not fit to be her husband. I won't insult women's genitalia by calling him a "cunt". Cunts have warmth and depth, he has neither.

Original poster
wendall456 · 27/12/2023 23:40

One of my children has an autistic diagnosis but my DH refuses to even consider it could be a possibility for him. We did discuss marriage counselling last christmas but he decided off his own back he would try to be more tolerant of people and it hasn't worked. It 's really only these last few months he has been a bit more vocal about me socialising without him - he never used to worry at all and I am not too sure why suddenly it has become a problem as it has been the same for years - me going out and seeing people and him staying home.

OP posts:
Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 23:42

3ofus3 · 27/12/2023 23:12

@Autumnleaves89
In my post I only say about myself saying "no" more often and I've stuck to it. In the OPs original post she mentions that is what he has said he is going to do. So fair play to him to that. Or do you just say yes to people to please others?

No, but I’d never tell my husband I wish I’d never married him. Nasty prick.

SapphireSeptember · 27/12/2023 23:46

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

  • He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
  • He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
  • He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
  • When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
  • He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
  • We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
  • I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
  • I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
  • Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
  • He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
  • He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
  • My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
  • And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

Too alternative? As an alternative autistic woman, I resent that! 😁

I get that people can be exhausting, I'm an introvert too, and prefer meeting up with a friend in a coffee shop to going out with a big group of friends to the pub, but sometimes I go to things like parties and have a good time. I've yet to meet my boyfriend's family, but I like my family, and I'd never cut them off, even though things were difficult when I was younger. The trouble is we're all ND in one way or another (except my youngest brother, I think he's the most 'normal') but i think that we were all completely different as kids and as adults made me more tolerant. I'm a Goth, my younger brother is a metalhead, my youngest brother is into sports and my younger sister is a the complete opposite to me.

I'd think for me only mixing with a tiny group of people would be very limiting. I've found kindred spirits all over the place! And sometimes I just chat to people for the fun of it! Today I was talking to someone in the queue in Hotel Chocolat, and lent him my VIP me card as he was buying hot chocolates for his family of four, so I saved him some money. Just little things like that. And I always talk to LDS missionaries if I see them, because I know how hard it is. I think I scared the poor lads I saw in Oxford once, as I was all Gothed up, but then I said I was a member of the church and I just wanted to say hi. My mum thought it was very funny. 😅

Ossobuco · 27/12/2023 23:46

Your update makes it sounds worse OP.
that comment about ‘becoming your mother’ … in what way? in every way that’s a really misogynistic and horrible comment.

and this:
I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him

This is a major red flag. Isolating you from others. It’s really really super unfair and will erode your confidence bit by bit. Since he has been super direct about what he wants from relationships I would consider this to be a crisis point in the marriage, cancel whatever other social engagements with his family or ones you don’t feel like doing, and have a super direct conversation with him about your own feelings. Namely, if he wants to stay with you then he doesn’t get to limit who you see socially on your own or make you feel bad about seeing others on your own. A huge huge red line that he must never cross.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 23:47

What exactly is it about your mother he is so fearful about op? Does she happen to have a good social life, out and about a lot?

His option to try and be more tolerant this year hasn't worked so he should accept the couples counselling if he is serious about maintaining this marriage.
If not then I would look at your other options, primarily a separation to see how it fits you.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/12/2023 23:47

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 23:47

What exactly is it about your mother he is so fearful about op? Does she happen to have a good social life, out and about a lot?

His option to try and be more tolerant this year hasn't worked so he should accept the couples counselling if he is serious about maintaining this marriage.
If not then I would look at your other options, primarily a separation to see how it fits you.

Or perhaps ops mother can see right through him?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 23:49

@Thegoodbadandugly wouldn't be surprising at all!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 23:51

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

  • He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
  • He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
  • He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
  • When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
  • He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
  • We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
  • I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
  • I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
  • Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
  • He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
  • He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
  • My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
  • And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.

He likes normal people the same as him (his words)

Autistic or not, this is a form of snobbery. And how arrogant is he to think that he gets to decide what normal is?

He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.

OMG nope!

And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

Neither do I. That's why I'm not married. Misanthropes do not suit marriage. What will you do when he decides to file you under "people in general"?

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 23:51

He doesn't sound like a sociopath to me (I'm not sure pp quite understands what that means). He sounds autistic and utterly burnt out and unable to mask any more.

I'm not saying you should stay with him, but if I'm right he's going to need time to recover (months/years). He's not going to be able to snap out of it or meet you half way.

If you are happy to live a life where you socialise and he doesn't, you could try that for a year and see how it goes. Or accept this is where it ends because he sounds like he is at the end of his ability to cope.

porridgeisbae · 27/12/2023 23:53

I suppose you can't literally 'make' him do much @wendall456 so all you can decide is whether this is a man you can live with.

You could tell him you don't want to know his opinions on people maybe.

I was with one a bit like this (and still have him as a bestie) and I found it effected my attitude to people a bit as his opinions rubbed off on me a little. Don't let this happen to you if it's not what you want.

porridgeisbae · 27/12/2023 23:56

It's not even necessarily autism, some people have for instance schizotypal or paranoid personality traits that mean they just don't like people easily. It can be due to abuse as a child by a trusted family member or other causes.

It's not even necessarily a full, diagnosable disorder, just how they have developed.

Wellhellooooodear · 27/12/2023 23:56

Autism isn't an excuse for being a cunt.

ClareBlue · 27/12/2023 23:56

There is a big difference between struggling to socialise and recognising it and dismissing everyone because you judge them to be inferior and not bothering to be on their company. This is what he is doing with your family from your update. It's not that he struggles to socialise, it's just that he thinks they are all the negative things you list and therefore thinks he doesn't need to bother. This is inherently selfish. That's what it boils down to. He is judgemental and selfish and thinks his opinions and needs trump everything else. Add a bit of cruelty into the mix too.

Lovelylydia · 27/12/2023 23:57

I could have written the exact same about DH - he doesn’t like many people & just tolerates them.
In fairness, he did warn me of this before we got together and I made an informed choice to get into the relationship anyway. No regrets at all but I did say goodbye to sociable nights both in and out with friends and DH (he has absolutely no problem me going out).
It is who DH is - he is sociably awkward, enjoys just his own, and my company. He gets very anxious about events like weddings and Christmas dos but will still go to support me (although he hates every minute)
We’ve talked about it and he doesn’t know why he’s like it. I think it’s fear based- fear of looking stupid and not knowing what to say. He’s had counselling and CBT regarding the issue but it didn’t really help.
My advice? If it doesn’t impact too negatively on your life and in other ways he’s a good partner, let him be. It’s who he is and he’s decided that life is too short to be something he isn’t. If he is starting to dictate how you live your life, then you need to weigh up the positives against the negatives to see if it’s worth carrying on.

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 00:02

But @Lovelylydia you haven't said your partner judges everyone and uses that as the reason not to socialise. What you drscribeb is very different. The OP has listed all the negative things her partner says why he doesn't want to socialise with her family as the reasons not to. He doesn't say it's an issue he has about socialising per se, just that he hates everyone in her family.

QuestBloomingdale · 28/12/2023 00:03

wendall456 · 27/12/2023 22:57

Thanks for all the comments. Lots of different perspectives from different people - so a here a few points or answers to questions that people have asked.

  • He does not expect me to stop seeing my family or his family but he has no interest in seeing any of them next year because this previous year he tried to tolerate them and it has made him even less tolerant of them
  • He finds it hard to why I want to see them as to him they are annoying, loud, lazy, selfish, too posh, too alternative, too flash with money, etc etc.
  • He likes normal people the same as him (his words)
  • When I met him my parents lived 50 miles away and still worked and he probably only saw them a handful of times so he didn't really know them that well when we got married but they are very different to him and this is what he can't deal with. He can only tolerate people who he gels with, he can't do small talk or talk about stuff that doesn't interest him.
  • He worries as I get older I will end up like my mum.
  • We have kids and when they were little we had no help from either side and this has contributed to what he thinks of them and why.
  • I am very social and he was when I met him but as time has gone on he has watched people change to fit in with new social norms and he will not do this.
  • I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.
  • Going out together as a couple is hard due to childcare issues BUT when we do we have a brilliant time
  • He will do anything to avoid being anywhere near people including trains and supermarkets
  • He works but in a very solitary job where he does have to see anyone all day
  • My 17 yr old is very like him and my 14 yr old is a complete extrovert which he finds hard to handle.
  • And finally I suppose the one thing I do know is that it isn't just my family he doesn't like it is people in general.

I have lots of friends and often go out and unless is a girls specific night out I always invite him and he declines. Never used to be a problem but he is he getting more annoyed when I do go out without him.

All of what you wrote is reasonable for him (different strokes for different folks) except this part. Him getting annoyed when you go out without him is something he would have to deal with. It's not your problem. Just as you would have to deal with him not seeing anyone he doesn't want to see.

JustAGirlScotland · 28/12/2023 00:05

I truly sympathise with your OH.

For years I lived abroad and my family would come visit and stay for a few weeks. I found it incredibly difficult. It got to the stage were I was completely on edge and fearful I would explode. I hasten to add that they did nothing wrong other than exist in my general space.

It wasn’t until later in life when my son got an autism diagnosis that I did a ton of research and realised I was autistic and had spent most of my life masking in social situations. It is beyond draining.

Incredibly no one seemed to notice how much I struggled.

I’ve got to the stage where I realise my limits and simply can’t spend an excessive amount of time with friends or family (my OH and boys are exceptions to this rule). If I do the impact is awful. Last time I spent a few intense days with my extended family I literally spend the entire following day in bed unable to speak/function until the next day.

I appreciate it can’t be easy for you either. Luckily my OH completely understands how I struggle and we negotiate social events etc. I would never dream of stopping him seeing anyone.

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 00:06

He doesn't say it's an issue he has about socialising per se, just that he hates everyone in her family.

@ClareBlue OP's said he has said he doesn't like being around most other people too, there's only a handful or less of people he tolerates.

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 00:09

@JustAGirlScotland But you don't think most other people are bellends, you just find being around people difficult.

That's the difference between someone with a misanthropic personality and someone with ASD or social anxiety.

colouringindoors · 28/12/2023 00:09

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 21:38

DH and I are both ND and don't particularly like people. Understand him coming for just a short visit or whatever instead of having to spend an entire day with them
but this
this year he has said if he knew now how annoying my family were he would have dumped me within a few months.

Is Unacceptable.

Getting quite annoyed at autism being used as an excuse for being a twat and these days everyone thinks they're 'something or other'. No need to mention it unless it impacts your life enough for you to start the diagnostic process. Geez.

Edited

This. Making adjustments and building in downtime - absolutely.

But his comment about your family and not seeing them at all is unacceptable. Does he have any awareness of how hurtful he's being? Does he care about your feelings at all? What is good your relationship that balances this sh*t out?

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