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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you finish with this man?

173 replies

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 15:10

He's early fifties. Divorced, bankrupt and dad to some children with whom he has a scant relationship.
No home, no assets.
A good job but flits from one to another when the stress gets too much.
Is a hard worker but regularly unwell with colds.
He is lovely. A nice person mostly but can be a
Sarcastic and a little immature at times.
His communication skills are awful. Has a tantrum after a disagreement, shuts down, ignores me and then expects me to come crawling back. Stubborn and a t time very self righteous .
He is handsome and good in bed.
Adores his family but a little too involved in my opinion.
He has no hobbies or past times, just sits on the settee watching sport. Doesn't like eating out, going for drinks, family gatherings or anything that involves letting himself go.
Never organises anything eg hotel break, holiday, dinners etc.
He is still nice though and can be funny.
Hates shopping,, hates leaving the general area he lives in and ultimately did the laziest person I've ever met . He can be generous. Also affectionate and kind mostly.
Anything worth saving here ?

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 16:27

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 15:18

I am fifty. I crave a social life as I work hard and enjoy walking, eating out, theatre, cinema and holidays.
He will go along with it but clearly wants to be on said settee.
I worry I will end up as his carer and what if I want to go travelling with friends when retired ( next few years) .. will he be having tantrums as he won't be invited because I know he won't actually actively want to come along but will be miffed if not asked and left to tend to himself?
Are there men out there like me, at this age, who want similar?
Life can be lonely.

Keep him as a friend (with benefits perhaps if you find him handsome and he's a good shag) but tell him that you want to keep seeing other people.

Get out there and find all of the above or at least someone closer to it.

Fifty can be fun! (I'm 57)

ConstitutionHill · 27/12/2023 16:28

Did you post about this a few weeks ago OP? You want to dump but you think he will send poor me messages to your kids?

Just start skipping a few meets and do a slow fade.

BreadandButterDinners · 27/12/2023 16:29

Please finish it OP, there is nothing worth saving here. A 50 year old man having tantrums and ignoring you if you have a disagreement is awful. You like socialising, he doesn't, he's lazy and not bothered. People don't have to have the same interests but this doesn't sound compatible at all. Get rid, you are worth more than this.

WhatWouldAliciaDo · 27/12/2023 16:29

Oh my. Yes, I'd finish with him. I was going to say more, but you posted you are lonely sometimes, so that must be hard.
I'd say absolutely get rid of him, and work on making friends, interests and hobbies that fill the gap.
Better things will come from them x.

excelledyourself · 27/12/2023 16:29

He's not really 'lovely'. He's just... there.

Surely you know you deserve better than that?

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2023 16:29

Well of course he can't take you on holidays or out to dinner, he's bankrupt.
My only advice is don't let him move in with you.

HarrietStyles · 27/12/2023 16:30

MrsDilligaf · 27/12/2023 16:27

Nope. He's not the one for you.

I don’t think he’s the one for anyone 😂

Original poster
wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:30

He would not agree to me seeing others. I think he has me ear marked for a house and relationship in retirement.
He rents right now but considering his big income and little outgoing gs I dot understand why he cannot afford to buy

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 16:31

I'd rather eat shit than be with him.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2023 16:32

End it now. It is not a crime to be single.

Nothing to do with his age, the list of reasons is endless.

Original poster
wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:32

He's out of bankruptcy now.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 27/12/2023 16:32

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:30

He would not agree to me seeing others. I think he has me ear marked for a house and relationship in retirement.
He rents right now but considering his big income and little outgoing gs I dot understand why he cannot afford to buy

What age are his kids and why doesn't he have them stay over if he has accommodation?

Isometimeswonder · 27/12/2023 16:32

There are worse things than being alone.

HarrietStyles · 27/12/2023 16:33

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:24

I don't understand the bankruptcy as I don't understand the process but I do know that his exw and he had accrued a lot of debt and couldn't afford repayments. When they divorced she stayed in family home and he paid a sum every week for some years as agreed with the courts. She took on the mortgage. Does this make sense? That is what he told me.

Sounds like HE accrued a lot of debt, as they couldn’t afford the replacements as a couple……… but then she was perfectly able to afford the mortgage single handedly without him!

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 16:34

Adores his family but has a few kids he doesn’t have a relationship with? What a stand up guy 🙄

BlackPhillipa · 27/12/2023 16:35

Nope, straight in the bin OP.

Universalsnail · 27/12/2023 16:35

He does not sound like a catch what so ever.

Original poster
wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:35

His accommodation is 50miles from his kids home and he says his kids dont want to come for weekends so he doesn't push it, plus he is renting with others. Easier for him to spend time with them in their own village during the day.

OP posts:
ItIsBoth · 27/12/2023 16:37

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:30

He would not agree to me seeing others. I think he has me ear marked for a house and relationship in retirement.
He rents right now but considering his big income and little outgoing gs I dot understand why he cannot afford to buy

Last time I came across something similar, the person had a criminal record, which impacted home buying.

Original poster
wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:37

@HarrietStyles she has also stopped paying mortgage. Think bank owns it now.

OP posts:
SilverBranchGoldenPears · 27/12/2023 16:37

He’s a prince!!!

PriOn1 · 27/12/2023 16:37

I decided during your second sentence that there’s no way I’d be with this man. Financial competence and a good relationship with his own children would be two pre-requisits for me.

excelledyourself · 27/12/2023 16:40

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:35

His accommodation is 50miles from his kids home and he says his kids dont want to come for weekends so he doesn't push it, plus he is renting with others. Easier for him to spend time with them in their own village during the day.

Why has he chosen to live so far from his kids that he can't have a decent relationship with them? It's obviously not down to his job as you say he's happy to change that when it's too stressful.

He sounds awful.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 16:40

You're coming back with "yes buts" for everything.

Are you looking for a way to convince yourself to ignore all the red flags and ways he's clearly a twat in order to pretend to yourself that he's worth staying with?

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 16:41

wensleycam · 27/12/2023 16:30

He would not agree to me seeing others. I think he has me ear marked for a house and relationship in retirement.
He rents right now but considering his big income and little outgoing gs I dot understand why he cannot afford to buy

Oh if he doesn't want you seeing others, then accept that he's not compatible with you. He doesn't sound like a good catch.

Maybe expand your friendship circle to achieve walking, eating out, theatre, cinema and holidays, etc. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone to do all those things, just be around with like minded people.

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