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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask how much money your adult kids give?

193 replies

izimbra · 27/12/2023 13:18

Adult daughter (24) living at home. Earns about 28K. What sort of contribution would you expect towards household expenses? Our house is so expensive to run, and our household budget is strained - I'm only working part time as I'm a carer for my adult son, and we have an 18 year old at university who we're supporting. My husband's income is keeping us all afloat. We don't charge our daughter rent and she doesn't save any money at all. In fact she has debts. She works full time, and is also studying for a degree with the OU.

OP posts:
104c · 27/12/2023 16:48

Disabled DS aside, I think you are being clearly unfair between your two adult DC at uni. Both are studying a degree, your DD has chosen to also work full time (which I do, so it is possible to do both before anyone starts that it isn't possible for uni students to work FT) and live at home, but you want to charge her. At the same time, your son lives away from home and you pay his living costs so he doesn't have to work? Why is it ok for your daughter to work and pay her own way but you don't want to cause your son stress by doing the same? Perhaps you should charge your daughter rent but cut your other son off and get him to work to pay his way like you expect your daughter to do. Uni students get long holidays to work.

lattemerde · 27/12/2023 16:48

izimbra · 27/12/2023 13:55

She spends her money on clothes, shoes, eating out and travel. She's been to the Caribbean and to Norway this year.

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She's having a laugh and you've been a bit of a mug for enabling her.

£400 a month would seem generous on your part and still a good deal for her.

Aydel · 27/12/2023 16:49

We gave both of ours a year “free.” DD1 moved out immediately after university and lives overseas. DD2 will be charged from June if she is still there. She doesn’t have huge inclination to move out - she has a huge bedroom in a mansion flat in Zone 1. She has the flat to herself most of the time as I’ve currently relocated back to Central Europe and DH is living in the house we’re trying to sell in the countryside.

MikeRafone · 27/12/2023 16:52

around 10% of her net wage

dd contributes

she sent me money by bank transfer towards the Christmas grocery shop, we are adults living together

Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 16:55

So she gets just over £1800 a month and doesn't want to pay anything? She can spare 300 to help her mother that looks after her brother.
How she is in debt I don't know

Isobel201 · 27/12/2023 17:00

Do you claim carers allowance for caring for your son? He could also claim PIP as well if he has caring requirements.

Thedogscollar · 27/12/2023 17:00

theweewestie · 27/12/2023 15:51

@Libertyy

I don't understand. In one post you say you pay nothing and that your father provides. Then you say you split rent with a friend and pay gas/electricity etc?

I was thinking that too.
What's the truth? @Libertyy

MerryBlueberry · 27/12/2023 17:01

izimbra · 27/12/2023 13:55

She spends her money on clothes, shoes, eating out and travel. She's been to the Caribbean and to Norway this year.

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She’s going to have a bit of a shock when she moves out. Maybe suggest she looks at how much a house share would be, how much a one bed flat locally would be, what she thinks a good shop costs per week and utilities. When she sees how much you are saving her you can get her to give you £100 less

Fundays12 · 27/12/2023 17:02

I be asking for about £350 a month.Thats very cheap and right now she is learning nothing about budgeting by not being charged rent.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2023 17:06

Son currently brings home approx £1500 per month, he pays a contribution of £400 to household and petrol expenses (he needs a lift to and from work a few times a week). He is also currently paying for his driving lessons and saves every month.

As he is autistic jobs can come and go. When he is not working we pay for his driving lessons and give him spending money to preserve his savings.

When he works he wants to contribute. I would be annoyed if he didn't. He knows what everything costs, and how much it would cost him to live elsewhere.

Motheranddaughter · 27/12/2023 17:07

We don’t charge our DC but if we needed the money it would be different

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 27/12/2023 17:08

DC is 18 and on £21K PA. Pays £150 rent pcm and has to pay £200 pcm into the Government LISA as part of the agreement to live here.

Your daughter is taking the piss with no paying any rent. Give her the choice £300ish rent every month or she can move out. She wont find anything for less than that. She needs to learn to pay her way as nothing in life is free and you need to help her learn this lesson fast.

Pifful · 27/12/2023 17:13

I'd be the first to say don't charge anything unless you need the money. Which you do. We were fortunate enough to not need it and never charged adult DC while they lived at home.
I would add up all the household bills apart from mortgage and divide by three for her share. Include food if she eats at home but not otherwise.

Libertyy · 27/12/2023 17:16

ilovesooty · 27/12/2023 15:14

Very nice. Most households can't afford to treat their adult employed children to an extended childhood - they have to pay their way and contribute

To the OP - I'd be asking for a minimum of £400 a month on that salary. She's taking the piss..

Show quote history

Mine is a different culture though. So what most do doesn’t really apply to me as our parents have different mentalities to what yours do etc, I just find it fascinating :)

Missingmybabysomuch · 27/12/2023 17:18

YANBU if you want a contribution but YABU to list these as reasons given that none of these are your DDs fault.

"Our house is so expensive to run, and our household budget is strained - I'm only working part time as I'm a carer for my adult son, and we have an 18 year old at university who we're supporting."

What is your reason for the contribution? If your house was cheaper would you still want a contribution? If you weren't supporting your son? If your husband earned more? Or is it to try to help her learn to budget/save? I think you need to be clear on the reason you want the contribution and work backwards from there.
Does she contribute to helping around the home or cooking or buying food? All those would be considerations too.

BotterMon · 27/12/2023 17:21

£500 a month. Take what you need and put the rest into savings for her to afford to move into her own place. Can't believe she's spunking her whole salary with zero living costs. Doesn't bode well for when she needs to pay her own way!

nokidshere · 27/12/2023 17:22

I charge mine a quarter of the bills that change by them being here. I don't have a mortgage and I don't include council tax. They also do a weeks shopping once a month (and pick up bit frequently when they are out and about). I don't do anything for them at home unless we are doing something as a family.

Grammarnut · 27/12/2023 17:22

DSGS pays DSS £100 pw. He gets lodging, food and laundry for that (I wouldn't do the laundry but DSD-in-Law is a soft touch) and also buys his own beer etc. He probably earns more than 28k as a surveyor but is starting his own business, so not sure. Also, you are supporting two other DCs, one of whom needs care. I think you need a discussion with DD if she can go on expensive holidays and is neither saving nor paying rent. £200 a month would be a starting point for discussion, I think.

QueenOfMOHO · 27/12/2023 17:27

Mine give nothing. We have 3 at home plus 2 of their partners here most of the time. They are all saving for deposits and we do love having them here.

AfraidToRun · 27/12/2023 17:28

I'd ask for £350 pm.Thats 50% of a room in the private sector around here.

Justsackpat · 27/12/2023 17:31

£150 a month 20 years ago. Why is everyone so opposed to adults contributing to a household.

Cosyblankets · 27/12/2023 17:31

Libertyy · 27/12/2023 15:00

I’m the adult child and I don’t pay anything to my family. My father provides

Has this taught you anything?

Blanketpolicy · 27/12/2023 17:31

Adults working FT and earning a wage should be contributing.

She is taking home roughly £1,800/month (assuming 6% pension contributions)

Taking 1/3 of that to cover rent, utilities, eating family meals is not unreasonable (unless she has very high commuting costs)

Too much disposable income is infantilising her and not teaching her even basic life essentials like a place to stay costs and she is now an adult with responsibilities.

CommonOrNot · 27/12/2023 17:31

I’ll never understand charging your kids rent. But I appreciate I’m in the minority. My mum charged me which I thought was outrageous for a number of reasons. As a mother myself I can never ever imagine charging my child to live with me. If I did I’d put it away for them in an account for when they wanted to move out.

so my answer is nothing. Different story if she actually wants to contribute.

Libertyy · 27/12/2023 17:31

Out of curiosity, I’m your kids’ age and I was wondering how would you expect your kids to save up for a deposit to mortgage a house if you’re asking for massive contributions? Do your husbands/partners/wives (if same sex) contribute as much as you do and you still ask your kids as well? No malice intended, just curious really