To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

wardrobemaldunction · 2023-12-27T13:04:20+00:00

Am I weird in this regard ? Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them. For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them. This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them. Is that strange ? It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:06

This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them.

By this I don't mean that it happens to me all the time that people don't want to be friendly, just that my reaction is always the same when it does happen.

OP posts:

SerenChocolateMuncher · 27/12/2023 13:11

I think it's the feeling of rejection, even if the rejection is unintended that makes you feel that way, especially if you have gone out of your way to be friendly. Indifference would probably be a more appropriate and healthy response, but I understand why you might feel dislike.

Some people aren't interested in having a close friendship with neighbours. It's probably nothing personal. Friendship is a commitment and if they feel they have enough commitments with family and other friends, they won't be interested in making more friends.

StoodySmithereens · 27/12/2023 13:19

You take it personally, & fail to understand that some people just don’t want to get involved.

Coconutter24 · 27/12/2023 13:24

It’s strange that you take a dislike to someone because they don’t want a friendship with you especially with neighbours. I’m happy to say hello and a little chat and that’s it, I don’t want anything more from a neighbour I don’t want a friendship or any form of relationship other than a smile and wave. My other neighbour is the same and I don’t dislike them because we are friendly when exchanging greetings and then I get on with my day

Jacfrost · 27/12/2023 13:26

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:06

This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them.

By this I don't mean that it happens to me all the time that people don't want to be friendly, just that my reaction is always the same when it does happen.

Name change fail OP? You said in your OP it doesn't happen a lot and here you are replying to yourself that it happens all the time 🤣

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:27

@Jacfrost I was trying to clarify why it sounds like I'm contradicting myself in my OP.

OP posts:

liverpoolgal82 · 27/12/2023 13:28

It wasn’t a name fail, she’s clarifying a sentence she wrote, she’s explaining what she meant by the sentence.

liverpoolgal82 · 27/12/2023 13:30

I think it’s the feeling of rejection- it’s making you feel that way about them. Like when someone ends a relationship with us - thin line between love and hate.

widowtwankywashroom · 27/12/2023 13:30

Why do you assume everyone wants a relationship with you?

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:30

Coconutter24 · 27/12/2023 13:24

It’s strange that you take a dislike to someone because they don’t want a friendship with you especially with neighbours. I’m happy to say hello and a little chat and that’s it, I don’t want anything more from a neighbour I don’t want a friendship or any form of relationship other than a smile and wave. My other neighbour is the same and I don’t dislike them because we are friendly when exchanging greetings and then I get on with my day

I'm not besties with either of my direct neighbours either.

But I notice one side reciprocates more, so I like them more and the other side less.

I made the same efforts with both and when I noticed one side didn't make as much effort back, I started having negative feelings towards them a bit.

OP posts:

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 27/12/2023 13:32

I think it's normal human reaction..even if it's not personal and the other person is a bit introverted or whatever - that's not your problem. Automatically the defences are going to go up and perhaps that's how it should be. You're not going to keep putting yourself out there to get nothing back. That's just the way it is. Even if they didn't mean anything by it.

BrringBrringMeow · 27/12/2023 13:34

I am very cautious about friendships. I am anxious about manipulative people and gossips. If something is being friendly with me I take a bloody long time to trust them.

Of people don’t warm up to you straight away OP, it is very unlikely to be personal.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:34

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 27/12/2023 13:32

I think it's normal human reaction..even if it's not personal and the other person is a bit introverted or whatever - that's not your problem. Automatically the defences are going to go up and perhaps that's how it should be. You're not going to keep putting yourself out there to get nothing back. That's just the way it is. Even if they didn't mean anything by it.

Yeah it's not hate or anything. It's like OK then, I won't be as nice to you either- why should I ? You clearly don't want to. So I won't go out of my way for you.

OP posts:

PurpleChrayne · 27/12/2023 13:34

Agreed.

I invited another mum for a playdate one weekend. She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

BrringBrringMeow · 27/12/2023 13:34

Not something, someONE.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:36

PurpleChrayne · 27/12/2023 13:34

Agreed.

I invited another mum for a playdate one weekend. She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

Yeah I would definitely not try again there either.

OP posts:

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 13:36

I think this shows narcissistic behaviour. It’s a much over-used word these days, but this really is the epitome of narcissism: if you don’t like/appreciate me and reciprocate proportionately, you are dislikable to me, unwanted by me. Basically, you are likable ONLY if you like me!!

BrringBrringMeow · 27/12/2023 13:37

She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

I would certainly say this, but it wouldn’t be about a better offer. It could be not having a chance to discuss with my spouse if we should head out to that overdue visit to the in-laws, etc, so not wanting to commit to anything without checking first.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:39

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 13:36

I think this shows narcissistic behaviour. It’s a much over-used word these days, but this really is the epitome of narcissism: if you don’t like/appreciate me and reciprocate proportionately, you are dislikable to me, unwanted by me. Basically, you are likable ONLY if you like me!!

Yeah maybe. It's definitely something to do with your ego being hurt.

I've had quite a bit of therapy and I don't think I'm actually a narcissist. Although we all have those tendencies and this could be one of my narcissistic traits.

I find it difficult to understand how you can like someone who doesn't like you. That doesn't make sense to me. If you don't like me, I just can't like you.

OP posts:

widowtwankywashroom · 27/12/2023 13:39

PurpleChrayne · 27/12/2023 13:34

Agreed.

I invited another mum for a playdate one weekend. She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

Don't be so dramatic
She might have had a conversation on the way out with her partner who said let's see if we can get a sitter or waiting to see what the weather is like.....

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/12/2023 13:39

It's just a defensive mechanism, along the lines of "Well you CAN'T dump me because I already dumped YOU!"

widowtwankywashroom · 27/12/2023 13:41

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:39

Yeah maybe. It's definitely something to do with your ego being hurt.

I've had quite a bit of therapy and I don't think I'm actually a narcissist. Although we all have those tendencies and this could be one of my narcissistic traits.

I find it difficult to understand how you can like someone who doesn't like you. That doesn't make sense to me. If you don't like me, I just can't like you.

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For god's sake
Not every interaction has to be because you like or dislike someone.
It's a conversation nothing more or less
Stop analysing every interaction as if you are in a relationship

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 27/12/2023 13:41

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 13:34

Yeah it's not hate or anything. It's like OK then, I won't be as nice to you either- why should I ? You clearly don't want to. So I won't go out of my way for you.

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Absolutely. Just crack on. It's their issue. However I would say friendships/connections happen at different rates/don't happen. Perhaps things will improve in time, perhaps they won't. it just makes the friendships and connections you do have even more special! x

widowtwankywashroom · 27/12/2023 13:42

PurpleChrayne · 27/12/2023 13:34

Agreed.

I invited another mum for a playdate one weekend. She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

Drama queen.

MermaidEyes · 27/12/2023 13:44

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 13:36

I think this shows narcissistic behaviour. It’s a much over-used word these days, but this really is the epitome of narcissism: if you don’t like/appreciate me and reciprocate proportionately, you are dislikable to me, unwanted by me. Basically, you are likable ONLY if you like me!!

I kind of agree with this. It's actually not normal to dislike someone purely because they don't want a close friendship or relationship. You might not put as much effort in, ie with one neighbour you might have social gatherings, drinks and longer chats etc, with another it might be more of a 10 minute 'hello how are you' in the street kind of chat. But there should be no reason to actively dislike them, unless they are actually pretty horrible people.