To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

[wardrobemaldunction]

Am I weird in this regard ?

Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them.

For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them.

This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them.

Is that strange ?

It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

I think it can be really confusing (as an introvert) when someone seems to be making friendly moves, then suddenly starts dramatically ‘blanking’ me, because I hadn’t behaved in the expected way. Too much drama for my constitution. Just come out and say what you want fgs.

If they said “I feel hurt because I offered a play date and you didn’t reciprocate” I would say “I am so sorry, let’s arrange a date, but I’d rather take the kids out than have them at mine, it’s too chaotic at the moment”. There, out in the open, all sorted. Passive-aggressive shit is too annoying to try to de-code.

Completely agree! So much drama is avoidable if people just said what they mean in the first place

You seem to be struggling to understand the difference between someone who actually does dislike you, for whatever reason, and someone who generally likes you but just doesn't want, or feel the need, or have the time, for a closer friendship or connection. If every single person we met had to become a 'friend' of some kind, where would it end? There aren't enough hours in the day.

Totally get your point. But it could come off pretty intense to say that to someone who you don't freaky know well. If there is more of a friendship then ok. But otherwise I wouldn't say it, it could be very confrontational and off putting maybe.

If I said this, it would be because I had already suggested to someone else that we do something and was waiting to hear from them. It wouldn't be because I didn't want to see you.

Edit: and that's because it's rude to ask someone if they want to do something with you and then message and go "sorry we're doing something else now" (unless they'd gone quiet for ages and not responded to a chase) because someone else had suggested something in the interim

Yeah perhaps that's also true.

Of course you can't be friends with everyone, that's silly.

I've recently moved to a new area and so have been out there a lot, making connections/ trying to make connections.

There are also people I've made connections with who I then decided weren't for me and I stopped reciprocating. I assume they dislike me now, because I know they would have wanted to continue the friendship. I'm probably too black and white about it all.

Maybe that is a British thing? That reserve? In other cultures people can be more direct about that kind of thing, even with people they don’t know well.

I’d be much more comfortable with someone saying that sort of thing, than blowing hot and cold and being passive-aggressive. I’d be flattered that someone wanted to be my friend.

That’s fine, just as long as you wouldn’t begrudge them help if there was a neighbourhood emergency. I’m sure they would help if something big happened, unless they really are inhumane.

We don’t have to be best friends with our neighbours, as long as we’re not enemies and we’re ready to lend a hand if there happened to be a burglary or fire or whatever, hopefully never to happen.

The fact you’re disturbed by your dislike of them does show that you’re not that bad!

I find it difficult to understand how you can like someone who doesn't like you. That doesn't make sense to me. If you don't like me, I just can't like you.

99.9% of people don’t like people who don’t like them. Only a self-hating person person would do that.

A normal response to realising that someone doesn’t like you is to shrug and move on. No more and no less. Everyone has their own life, their own issues. Very, very few people are thinking about you. At any given point in time, OP, it’s very likely that NOBODY will be thinking about you. Nobody’s life is about you. At best, you are one part of someone else’s life. And that’s as it should be: a balance between yourself and others.

You are making other people about you. It’s like you see yourself in how they see you. This must make for very shallow relationships, because I can’t see where the other person is in this dynamic. Would you say you like other people because they make you laugh / are interesting / have shared interests? Or do you tend to like people who are generous to you, giving, appreciate you?

@BrringBrringMeow I would totally appreciate it as well if someone said that to me. But I would be worried to say it to others, in case they found it too confrontational.

Mmhh you've made me think.

Why do I like other people ?

I guess if I feel like we understand each other and make each other laugh and don't take ourselves to seriously together and are laid back. Those are the kind of people I tend to like.

I've recently moved to a new area and so have been out there a lot, making connections/ trying to make connections.

I think this is the crux of it. You are in a vulnerable position and others are more settled. It’s hard to put yourself out there repeatedly, and it’s natural that you feel rebuffed when others aren’t making room for you in their lives.

I have a facebook friend who is just adorable - on the other side of the world, but she is always posting about how she is longing for that friendship connection. Most people would never broadcast that.

Maybe you could join the PTA - or a church group (I’ve done neither, but the people I know who do, seem to have lots of friends). The other thing is join a special interest group, like knitting and sewing, or motorbiking, or whatever you are into.

Everyone has their own life, their own issues. Very, very few people are thinking about you. At any given point in time, OP, it’s very likely that NOBODY will be thinking about you. Nobody’s life is about you. At best, you are one part of someone else’s life. And that’s as it should be: a balance between yourself and others.

I totally understand that and this was my biggest take away when I had therapy. It's not about me.

However I feel like for me, I think a lot about other people. I don't make my life about them, but I do spend a considerable amount of headspace thinking about other people in my life.

Sometimes people have other family issues going on that they do not need to disclose e.g. health, dependents employment issue. It may come across as rude but not intended

@BrringBrringMeow thanks for your kind words.

I've recently stopped putting myself out there. I just can't be bothered anymore. If they come, they'll come. I'm tired. They don't need friends and honestly, I don't feel lonely anymore either. I'm so busy and I actually prefer spending time alone. I'm exhausted most of the time. It will come when it will come. My DD is in preschool now and I only respond if someone reaches out to me now. ( other parents, I mean ).

I wholeheartedly agree with this. There's nothing that puts me off more than Main Character Syndrome.

I'd say that if there was a chance DH might be off, or there had been vague plans made elsewhere. It doesn't mean I'm waiting for a better offer. It's that you weren't the first person to make an offer to do something in that timeframe. If you instantly took a dislike to me because I had already made loose plans before you offered, I'd probably wind up disliking you too.

Have you ever thought that perhaps other people were also "so busy and actually prefer spending time alone, as well as being exhausted"?

That maybe it was absolutely nothing to do with you as a person and that they just need to escape the chaos in their busy life for a while?

It's great to try, but if it's not reciprocated, just move on! No need to be bitter towards the other person, assume they don't like you and then decide that you're going to be the one to not like them more. That sounds like a defense mechanism and a bad one at that.

I absolutely agree with the other poster who mentioned that not everyone's life is about you. Personally I find it grating when someone expects so much of me. I prefer to be friends with those who understand that life gets busy and you'll talk when you talk.

Live and let live and you will be happier, it's ever so intense to view life your way. Hating is hard work, just take it all at face value.

Well, if someone's clearly 'not that into me', I'm unlikely to be 'that into them' either, but 'dislike' is a bit strong. Some people just aren't that sociable; or are very preoccupied with family or work issues; or already have their social network. It's not usually personal.

Are you ND by any chance? It seems that you are failing to read social cues and perhaps seeing a friendly hello or wave from a neighbour as an overture to becoming BFFs, how exhausting.

Upon meeting, and people seem very friendly, what then happens for you? Do you invite people around, knock on their doors, suggest meet ups etc. You intimate that you ‘make the effort’ so what does this look like to you?

I am a very friendly person by the way but am rigid when it comes to boundaries and I don’t believe in living in neighbours pockets. There are some lovely neighbours in our neighbourhood but they are neighbours and I think most people feel like this.

I think it may be worthwhile going back to therapy to explore whether you are missing social cues and to establish if your overtures are appropriate/why you feel forging friendships with people you meet so important.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this and, because it was very obvious how the person (and, yes, it was a neighbour!) felt it was very uncomfortable. In my case it was to do with not reciprocating a party invitation. Well, we just don’t do parties at all, but our party-loving neighbours were offended and by the end of our time on that street they were blanking us.

I think your reaction is quite normal as, yes, if we want a relationship with someone we want to be liked and welcomed in return. As long as you are not communicating how you feel and you recognise that logically the neighbour hasn’t done anything wrong, I wouldn’t worry.

It’s all a bit extreme, if someone doesn’t want a friendship with me, I give it no thought, max I’d think is I don’t know them that well or have other things going on, especially neighbours. Not whether I liked them or not, as you need to know someone to be able to decide that.

I don't want a friendship with my neighbours. I'm up for a brief chat with them on the street when I see them but would hate to be in and out of each other's houses.

I also think it’s a defence mechanism/ feeling of rejection making you feel this way. It’s a negative emotion but probably not dislike as such.

I would try not to take it personally, practice feeling neutral about these people. They weren’t up for being friends, that’s fine, don’t waste energy having any feelings about them.