To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

[wardrobemaldunction]

Am I weird in this regard ?

Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them.

For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them.

This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them.

Is that strange ?

It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

I don't think I am ND tbh. Our neighbourhood situation is quite unique as we live on a private road behind a get with only a couple of houses and all moved at the same time.

So it's not like normal neighbourhood in the sense that we are all in touch quite a bit to sort stuff out as it's a bit communal.

My H and I invited the neighbours to birthday parties for example, but only once really and it was a big party. The neighbours on one side also invited us to a couple of bigger parities they had.

I used to occasionally invite them for a cup of tea. But usually around some admin stuff we needed to talk about. I don't just go up to them and ask them to hang out randomly. I also don't want to live in neighbours pockets, as it can be tricky in our set up, especially. You don't want to get too close in case you then have problems. I don't need to be BFFs with them, I just notice that one side tries to put more distance between us than the other side. The other side is also not over the top friendly either, but I would say that their effort, matches our effort.

In terms of meeting other parents through nursery and that kind of thing, often they tell me that my DD has been spoken off at home or something and I would maybe say aw that's sweet ' maybe a play date some time if they get on '. But I've stopped doing that now and just nod and smile. I don't suggest anything at all or reach out to anyone unless they reach out or suggest something to me.

I've made one good friend with kids and we seem to get on well and aren't in constant contact or anything, but it seems breezy and mutual.

The fundamental flaw in your thinking op is if they don’t want to engage in a closer friendship with you op, you assume it’s as they don’t like you, that is likely to be an erroneous assumption.

thry may not know you, have stuff going on in their life, not have the head space for more, not like socialising, it is likely to be nothing to do with you.

but your immediate thought is they don’t like me so I won’t like them, as if they liked me, they’d say yes, and that’s not correct.

Laughing together is a healthy basis for friendship, I think. But it’s difficult to tell from your reply whether:

by “we understand each other” you mean “I get they kind of person they are and they get and accept me”, or whether you recognise a kindred spirit who shares your values and morals?

by “don’t take ourselves too seriously” and “are laid back” you mean the other person doesn’t hold you accountable, or to standards you don’t want to meet.

Or you could mean that a shared sense of humour + laid back + don’t take ourselves too seriously, you just mean friendships based of levity, joking around, passing the time of day.

In all cases, neither is necessarily bad. But might be worth thinking about how this ties into actively disliking someone if they don’t like you.

What are you thinking about when you think about other people? Are you agonising over their interactions with you? Even if you’re thinking about nice things you can do for them, or just nice thoughts about them, this doesn’t sound very healthy! Isn’t it exhausting? Can’t you think about ideas or the news or books or music or something else - anything other than people?!

@Raincloudsonasunnyday it depends who I'm thinking about. But I guess I tend to spend more time thinking about people I don't gel with so much and then I go over the stuff they've said or done / and also what they must think of me, that kind of thing.

I don’t want relationships with others.

I like my neighbours, but I’m not social. I don’t want to have coffee with you, or come to a BBQ. I barely interact with family. It’s the way I am, I’ve often wondered if I have something wrong with me. I’m antisocial, a bit of a loner and perfectly happy that way. It’s not personal and I would never intend to offend anyone. We’re just not all made the same way.

by “we understand each other” you mean “I get they kind of person they are and they get and accept me”, or whether you recognise a kindred spirit who shares your values and morals?

I guess the first one and the second one minus the kindred spirit thing.

by “don’t take ourselves too seriously” and “are laid back” you mean the other person doesn’t hold you accountable, or to standards you don’t want to meet.

No not really, it just means that they aren't super rigid themselves in the first place. I prefer people who are flexible and will just text me on a whim, rather than having to plan things down to a tee, 6 months in advance. Like this morning, my local friend texted me and said ' come over if you're not busy '. I love that. I'm happy to be held accountable to my friends when we've made plans etc.

Or you could mean that a shared sense of humour + laid back + don’t take ourselves too seriously, you just mean friendships based of levity, joking around, passing the time of day.

In all cases, neither is necessarily bad. But might be worth thinking about how this ties into actively disliking someone if they don’t like you. I'm not sure how it ties into that. I'll have a think.

No it's not strange.

I only want people in my life now who make the effort back. I was too much of a people pleaser and I've really worked on this.

I don't have as many friends but I still have a few and I'm happier than I was.

I think it's just your own natural boundaries coming into place.

Yes I do think it's strange, sorry. I really like my neighbours, but we are not 'friends', we don't need any other relationship than a neighbourly one. I think to expect anyone to want a relationship with you, just because it's what you want, is very odd indeed.

I would say you have rejection issues and are passing on your feelings to others ? As a example takes me a long time to trust people so I take new friendships very slowly

It's simply self protection.
Far easier to feel dislike than hurt.

That's a good point as well.

It sounds very self-centred and odd to me.

I am nearly 40. I have all the friends I want and to spare. I don't want anything other than cursory interactions with new people. It doesn't mean I dislike them. It reflects how little time I have.

I find that quite sad, that you wouldn't give a new person even a chance.

In general I don't think we're at all honest about how few people we come across are going to be at all interested in getting to know us or becoming friends.

If you've bought into the idea that all you have to do is be pleasant, have good social skills, put yourself out there etc. and you will be fine socially it can be a frustrating thing to realise that most people don't care.

I don't think it's a bad thing to stop trying when you realise the other person isn't interested but if it's making you feel a lot of negativity that's the part you need to look at.

I think you misunderstood, she said, due to time. A lot of people are already stretched. I find maybe the issue here is you are unable to consider why people may not be available for friendships. Even when it’s written straight out like this, you didn’t accept it, and instead responded like people are entitled to a chance. It’d wrong not to give them it, with a refusal to accept people may have other stuff going on.

No it isn't.
You're constantly looking for validation.
Not everyone else is.
I too have a full life with family, friends, work and hobbies.

I find it quite sad that you would categorically not consider making a new connection in your life, because you already had friends.

I'm also too busy right now to consider new friends, but I wouldn't categorically rule it out in the future if it happens to present itself to me. I won't go looking, but if in 5 years things have calmed down, of course I would be open to it.

To me, the post sounded final - I'm nearly 40, I have all the friends I will ever need and I'm done forever kind of thing.

Perhaps I read it wrong, but if I didn't, I find it sad.

I hate the idea that you’ve got a duty or obligation to befriend someone just because live in the neighbourhood. People seem to think that you buy the neighbours along with the house. I keep everyone at arm’s length until I get to know them. If I decide they are nice, I’ll open up a bit. And if I really like them, I’m up for a friendship. But only if I really like them. I’m an introvert and don’t need much social interaction. Also, if I dislike someone, I can’t bear them near me (my vision of hell would be some kind of commune). If you’re too pleasant to some people, they mistake it for friendship and won’t f-ing leave you alone.

As for you OP, no, I don’t think you’re weird. It’s quite natural to be upset when people aren’t responsive. But try not to take it personally. A lot of people just can’t be bothered with social interaction. Or maybe they are just testing you out.

Yes it's weird.
You can be on good terms with people without being best buddies and Facebook friends.

But it's not about liking or disliking OP. I like plenty of people but I don't want them as a personal friend. Life doesn't work like that. You can be friendly without getting close to people.

You would hate me, I can't stand over needy reachy people and if I got the slightest inkling that you were trying to glom on to me I would drop you like a hot coal. Work on your neediness, the world doesn't owe you friendship.

I definitely would dislike you anyway, as I can smell people like you a mile away and wouldn't even bother.

You mean people with boundaries? Good luck with that. You will attract emotional vampires who are out for what they can get, they can smell your sort a mile off. Your OP gives cluster B vibes.

@VanityDiesHard I just mean people who don't want to make connections, I can tell when that's the case and don't bother.