Page 5 | To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

wardrobemaldunction · 2023-12-27T13:04:20+00:00

Am I weird in this regard ? Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them. For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them. This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them. Is that strange ? It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

Itsnamechange · 27/12/2023 22:19

I know you've had therapy op but it does sound like you're still quite focused on people's perception of you and overthink your reactions with others. You're sensitive to perceived rejection and turn on people because they don't seem to want to be your friend.
Only you can really say if this is an issue but perhaps cbt might be helpful if so?

DixonD · 27/12/2023 22:21

I can be like this OP. It’s self preservation. I had some truly traumatic friendships in my younger years and now don’t get close to anyone. If I sense someone isn’t interested, even slightly, I don’t bother with them again. I always keep my guard up. You don’t get hurt that way.

I wouldn’t call it disliking them though; I just don’t make any further effort.

IfTheresTeaTheresHope · 27/12/2023 22:29

I’m someone who likes to observe before showing my full self but once I know you’re a good person I’ll do anything for you.
What I do dislike is that you put a space before a question mark.

alwaysmovingforwards · 27/12/2023 23:02

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/12/2023 13:39

It's just a defensive mechanism, along the lines of "Well you CAN'T dump me because I already dumped YOU!"

Agreed, it's coming from a place of incredibly fragile ego.

WillowCraft · 27/12/2023 23:05

Interesting thread. I'm different as I don't dislike someone because they aren't keen on friendship. I might conclude that they dislike me (although as I get older I increasingly realise it's probably not personal and more likely due to stuff going on in their lives).
I also don't like someone just because they appear to be nice or want to be friends. I like people to be interesting, funny, on the same wavelength more than "nice", which can often be quite tedious.
On the other hand no one would describe me as nice either I don't think.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 23:07

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 21:57

There are also people I've made connections with who I then decided weren't for me and I stopped reciprocating. I assume they dislike me now, because I know they would have wanted to continue the friendship. I'm probably too black and white about it all.

You certainly are! I very much doubt they're thinking about you at all. People come and go, and if they'd wanted to continue the friendship they would have done something. Nobody is bothered enough to dislike someone with whom they had such a casual, tenuous friendship. Indeed if you're this intense and black and white about things in general, they might have been relieved! Not everyone is suited to everyone else, it's not a judgement, it's just nature.

They still ask to meet up sometimes...

OP posts:

Myglassishalffullish · 27/12/2023 23:41

I can totally relate to this post;
We (my H and I) have moved to a new area. We have met new people; some from a joint interest and some by way of our hobby.
We are (early) retired and have been open to meeting like minded people and forming friendships however, whether it’s an age thing; I don’t know after umpteen let downs and displays of downright bad manners (which forces a dislike of culprit) we have become a lot less tolerant and it was getting so annoying that 3 years on, it’s now developed into a “one strike and you’re out” thing.

While I’m conscious this is diminishing our social circle (H isn’t arsed about this at all) and I feel liberated that, as a former people pleaser when I was working, I now have peace and so much less stress by practicing the “fuck ‘ems”
On the other hand I am asking myself if I am missing out on the benefits of non committal “fly by day” acquaintances that I don’t need 🤔

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 02:29

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 23:07

They still ask to meet up sometimes...

Show quote history

Then why are you assuming they aren't interested, or deciding you dislike them? (I think you misused the word in your original post, btw - isn't it more a case of being indifferent?) At any rate it seems they're quite happy to have a casual, less frequent acquaintance. It does feel like you want friendships to be entirely on your terms.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 08:54

Myglassishalffullish · 27/12/2023 23:41

I can totally relate to this post;
We (my H and I) have moved to a new area. We have met new people; some from a joint interest and some by way of our hobby.
We are (early) retired and have been open to meeting like minded people and forming friendships however, whether it’s an age thing; I don’t know after umpteen let downs and displays of downright bad manners (which forces a dislike of culprit) we have become a lot less tolerant and it was getting so annoying that 3 years on, it’s now developed into a “one strike and you’re out” thing.

While I’m conscious this is diminishing our social circle (H isn’t arsed about this at all) and I feel liberated that, as a former people pleaser when I was working, I now have peace and so much less stress by practicing the “fuck ‘ems”
On the other hand I am asking myself if I am missing out on the benefits of non committal “fly by day” acquaintances that I don’t need 🤔

To me it's more like, I'll try a couple of times and if after that nothing comes back, then I never bother again- unless they do. Then I might go for it, if it suits me.

I'm not going to beg anyone. Sounds like you feel the same.

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Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 08:55

@Catsmere sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I was describing a situation where I met some people and I decided I didn't want to keep the friendship going. In my mind I assume they must dislike me for me giving them the cold shoulder. But they do keep periodically trying to meet up again, so perhaps they don't dislike me after all.

But I'm not interested in a friendship. It's not a good fit. I would never try that many times if someone kept being non committal with me. I think it's unusual they're still going.

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WhatNoRaisins · 28/12/2023 08:58

I think some people get more out of casual socialising than others. I find if it's never goes beyond small talk I give up. Another person may find small talk more fulfilling and want to keep up a casual relationship.

Mummadeze · 28/12/2023 09:13

I understand how you feel but honestly think you being too black and white / literal about everything. Some people are shy or cautious and take a while to warm up. Some relationships are instant and some take time to grow. If someone is rude, then your response is valid, but if they aren’t seemingly eager to
make friends, they may need some time. I can think of lots of people at work who I didn’t instantly connect with, who I wouldn’t call warm or welcoming but who weren’t impolite. I might have wondered initially if they liked me, but because we had to continue seeing them everyday, we actually became great friends over a period of time. And it taught me that their way of getting to know someone is different / slower paced to mine, but neither way is wrong. I think you are being a bit inflexible and a bit judgmental even.

Captainfairylights · 28/12/2023 09:46

This is a really interesting thread. I see myself in some of what you say OP. Mainly that I think about other people a lot. The poster who said, why not think about ideas, books etc. I do but these are ways of thinking about people for me! I wonder if I am ND, or it's a reaction to traumatic events earlier in my life. The notion that other people aren't thinking about people as well (I don't mean me, just people) makes me wonder what they are thinking about! What would it be like not to be thinking about people and my relationship to them 24/7?! I would like to be different, as it is exhausting -- and like another poster said, it leaves me open to being preyed upon by emotional vampires who can sense my vulnerability here. I often mistake someone's interest in me for friendliness, and it is not until much later that I realise they are simply consuming me. Often I am in rather deep by then, and I have had to cut people off quite brutally. I misread signals, and have a conflict between wanting and needing to be alone, and a pervasive feeling of loneliness. It is exhausting. I do perform quite well socially, and now live in a community situation which is quite hands off but people are around which does help. But it is a performance for me and I find those low stakes interactions other posters describe incredibly difficult. I am the one usually who is saying no to overtures, not because I don't like someone, but because I feel unable to manage what may come next.

VanityDiesHard · 28/12/2023 10:20

WillowCraft · 27/12/2023 23:05

Interesting thread. I'm different as I don't dislike someone because they aren't keen on friendship. I might conclude that they dislike me (although as I get older I increasingly realise it's probably not personal and more likely due to stuff going on in their lives).
I also don't like someone just because they appear to be nice or want to be friends. I like people to be interesting, funny, on the same wavelength more than "nice", which can often be quite tedious.
On the other hand no one would describe me as nice either I don't think.

I'm like you. 'Nice' doesn't cut it with me. TBH I'm a stone cold bitch and prefer others to be as well. I like people who tell it like it is.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 11:16

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 08:55

@Catsmere sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I was describing a situation where I met some people and I decided I didn't want to keep the friendship going. In my mind I assume they must dislike me for me giving them the cold shoulder. But they do keep periodically trying to meet up again, so perhaps they don't dislike me after all.

But I'm not interested in a friendship. It's not a good fit. I would never try that many times if someone kept being non committal with me. I think it's unusual they're still going.

You’re right, you weren’t at all clear - in fact that’s pretty much the opposite of the sense of your initial post. You’re the one not interested and the other people are up for a casual, occasional friendship, not you being keen and them not. This whole thing sounds like a reverse now, it’s getting bizarre.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 11:20

@Catsmere you may not have read a particular post in which I just give one example about a friendship which I didn't want to explore. It happens to me as well. I was trying to illustrate that I go by the assumption that people would also take a dislike to me if they wanted more of a friendship and I didn't.

I don't think it's bizarre. I was just illustrating the other side of it.

It's not a reverse. I realise I've written a lot of posts, perhaps you missed that particular one.

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Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 11:21

@Catsmere please find the post I'm referring to below :

'There are also people I've made connections with who I then decided weren't for me and I stopped reciprocating. I assume they dislike me now, because I know they would have wanted to continue the friendship. I'm probably too black and white about it all.'

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Pootle23 · 28/12/2023 11:22

So if they don’t automatically throw their arms around you and invite you on their next holiday etc you don’t like them.

I am guessing you have a very small number of friends.

Most normal people take a while to become actual friends.

Our neighbours are lovely, we stop and chat but we are not friends as such. Totally normal.

I would sense you as clingy and needed, not someone I want to get to know more because you seem to require so much attention.

I am an observer. I tend to be really quiet around new people as I grow to know and trust them I tend to be more outgoing. Friendships take time to nurture.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 11:25

I did read that, but now you sound like you’re talking about different occasions without distinguishing them.

Frankly it’s silly and rather childish to assume people dislike you simply because you don’t want to pursue a friendship, or to dislike them for the same reason.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 11:25

Pootle23 · 28/12/2023 11:22

So if they don’t automatically throw their arms around you and invite you on their next holiday etc you don’t like them.

I am guessing you have a very small number of friends.

Most normal people take a while to become actual friends.

Our neighbours are lovely, we stop and chat but we are not friends as such. Totally normal.

I would sense you as clingy and needed, not someone I want to get to know more because you seem to require so much attention.

I am an observer. I tend to be really quiet around new people as I grow to know and trust them I tend to be more outgoing. Friendships take time to nurture.

I actually have quite a few friends tbh. I just prefer an equal / reciprocal arrangement and I won't run after you if you don't bother with me.

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PostItInABook · 28/12/2023 11:26

Captainfairylights · 28/12/2023 09:46

This is a really interesting thread. I see myself in some of what you say OP. Mainly that I think about other people a lot. The poster who said, why not think about ideas, books etc. I do but these are ways of thinking about people for me! I wonder if I am ND, or it's a reaction to traumatic events earlier in my life. The notion that other people aren't thinking about people as well (I don't mean me, just people) makes me wonder what they are thinking about! What would it be like not to be thinking about people and my relationship to them 24/7?! I would like to be different, as it is exhausting -- and like another poster said, it leaves me open to being preyed upon by emotional vampires who can sense my vulnerability here. I often mistake someone's interest in me for friendliness, and it is not until much later that I realise they are simply consuming me. Often I am in rather deep by then, and I have had to cut people off quite brutally. I misread signals, and have a conflict between wanting and needing to be alone, and a pervasive feeling of loneliness. It is exhausting. I do perform quite well socially, and now live in a community situation which is quite hands off but people are around which does help. But it is a performance for me and I find those low stakes interactions other posters describe incredibly difficult. I am the one usually who is saying no to overtures, not because I don't like someone, but because I feel unable to manage what may come next.

Not every negative feeling or negatively perceived trait is a result of ND or trauma. Perhaps you’re just an introvert, or you lack emotional intelligence, or you’re an impatient person.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 11:27

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 11:25

I did read that, but now you sound like you’re talking about different occasions without distinguishing them.

Frankly it’s silly and rather childish to assume people dislike you simply because you don’t want to pursue a friendship, or to dislike them for the same reason.

Maybe it is. But quite a few others understand my feelings.

I don't go around hating. It just puts me off a bit. It's a defence mechanism I think. I'll just as easily be friendly and take my time if they do want to pursue the friendship.

I also like to take it slow. But of course many have made the assumption I'm a needy nightmare. I'm not.

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Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 28/12/2023 11:34

@Catsmere I did distinguish the situations. I was just trying to illustrate my assumptions about others too.

You're just picking on me and being unkind tbh.

There was no need to say that people are probably glad to be rid of me as I'm so intense.

I'm the opposite of intense because I don't bother running after people.

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Captainfairylights · 28/12/2023 11:36

@PostItInABook What an unnecessarily hurtful comment, which doesn't help the OP (or me) at all. Perhaps I am those things, or, more likely perhaps, you are the sort of person people like me are trying to protect ourselves from: people who are dismissive of others, and don't care what they say to them.

BingoMarieHeeler · 28/12/2023 11:38

Yeah that’s your insecurity manifesting.