To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

[wardrobemaldunction]

Am I weird in this regard ?

Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them.

For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them.

This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them.

Is that strange ?

It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

OP I think it sounds like you are protecting yourself from feeling hurt. It would be a good idea to work on this a little as it isn’t ideal to be this defensive. But I recognise the feeling from times in my life when I have felt less confident and secure.

i still have to tell myself that if people don’t appear to like me (which happens) that it is their problem not mine.

Anyway, I suppose don’t worry about it too much unless it is causing you to act negatively towards others.

I am sorry if you felt hurt by my comment but really, it’s no less hurtful than seeing post after post after post on here of self and armchair ND diagnosers, where the person seems to want to use it as an excuse/reason for something negative in their life or a negatively perceived behaviour. It is happening literally everyday and it’s really frustrating and infuriating.

Your response is kind of mean. A deliberate intention to ‘hurt back’ but that’s fine. I know I’m not like that. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Surely there are just variants of friendships? I have a pretty big social circle (by which I mean we all plan to go to gigs or a Sunday pub roast or similar). I'd say about five are proper close friends who I'd meet separately, have gone on holiday with etc. Most are more just close acquaintances who I enjoy catching up with but wouldn't actively seek out for a coffee or heart to heart or whatever. A couple I actively dislike but put up with for the sake of the group. We can't all like or love everyone and people have busy lives which mean the time for socialising needs to be reserved for actual friends.

I really wouldn't take it personally OP. But if you aren't arsed and ot doesn't affect a larger social group just ditch them. As I've got older I've managed to turn around my people pleasing tendencies (rather than just getting more and more resentful 😅) and it's really quite liberating to drop someone who brings nothing positive to your life!

The problem with this mindset is that not everyone sees relationships in the same way; you seem to be imposing your idea of what a friendship with someone should be like and then getting offended when the person doesn't behave exactly as you would. It's not really sustainable or fair.

I have plenty of people in my wider social circle who I enjoy spending time with in various scenarios but they are not necessarily people I would drop everything for.

Someone gave an example upthread of a person being invited to do something at the weekend and saying "I'm not sure what we're doing yet" and that causing offence. Why should the invitee clear their calendar (including family and work or home-related commitments which are not yet fixed) for someone in order not to offend them?

People's lives are complicated. I can well imagine being in a situation where I didn't have a clear view of how my weekend was going to pan out, let's say due to family plans which were not yet firmed up, and saying I wasn't sure what I was doing. If someone I spoke to got the hump about me saying this I would just think they were being ridiculous and childish.

You can't pigeonhole everyone as either a "friend" or an "enemy" based on the way they respond to invitations and not everyone is going to clear all the other relationships in their life out of the way to accommodate you. Friendships take time to develop and you can't just switch people on and off like this.

I am not going to run after people who make no effort. The effort looks different in each case. It's not that rigid. I can walk away from friendships that don't feel reciprocal to me, wouldn't you ?
I can also choose not to make effort with people that don't make effort with me. I don't think it's that strange. Having a negative feeling about someone / feeling let down by it, might be strange. But depends on the situation

Disliking or hating someone after such minimal interaction sounds a bit dramatic.
Not all of us want to be friends with everyone we meet. Not all if us want to get to know our neighbours. There is nothing so off-putting as enforced socialisation.

But I don’t think anyone is advocating you ‘run around after’ people who don’t appear to be interested in a friendship. It’s pretty sane not to put in a massive effort into befriending someone who isn’t interested.

Your oddity seems to be than you then ‘dislike’ them, although they remain the exact same person you presumably liked enough to make friendly overtures to.

I met and liked someone in a bar at an arts festival in early November, we exchanged numbers and have met for a drink twice sonce. She’s cancelled the last two times we were supposed to meet at short notice and not rearranged — she lives about 20 miles away in deep countryside, and has caring responsibilities as well as being self-employed in a precarious way (artist). I’ve gone from ‘This is a new potential friendship with someone I like’ to ‘This is a situation that may not end up developing into an actual friendship with someone I like’, but my feelings towards her haven’t changed because she doesn’t have the headspace or capacity for a friendship now.

This is exactly what I think. Friendships tend to be quite organic I think and I find it very off-putting if I feel someone is trying to engineer a friendship with me.

I can identify situations where I've been on both sides. I have had people that "shut down" on me because I can't validate them and they have very specific needs from interactions.

I'm new to where I live, in a small community where everyone knows everyone and has lots of family and no desire to broaden their social circle.

I remain friendly, approachable and good for a chat but accept things won't develop past that. That's how I avoid feeling the rejection you feel. I just expect less from interactions.

Occasionally things develop further, but I've stopped setting out to intentionally make that so.

I accept that not everyone is seeking new friendships and this doesn't match the fact I am always open to new relationships. But I'm aware that's because my need is bigger, having zero family and being new to an area. I have more capacity for new relationships.

Yeah I get it. I'll try and keep that in mind in the future. My dislike isn't intense, it's just the first feeling that comes up when I perceive some sort of rejection. But you're right, usually it's really just circumstantial, rather than personal.

I would suggest befriending people who are also new and looking for connections. That's what's worked for me.

Good luck.