Page 4 | To automatically dislike people who don't make an effort back ?

wardrobemaldunction · 2023-12-27T13:04:20+00:00

Am I weird in this regard ? Let's say there's a person and we get to know each other a bit, but slowly I start to notice that they don't really want to have a closer friendship - I instantly dislike them. For example a neighbour. We moved at the same time and everyone was pretty friendly. One neighbour wants the relationship and I can tell the other one just doesn't. I don't hate the one who doesn't want the relationship, but since I've noticed they want to keep a distance - I just don't really like them. This happens to me all the time. As soon as I notice someone isn't up for a friendship- I don't like them. Is that strange ? It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does- that's my reaction.

JamSandle · 27/12/2023 16:49

I don't think it's weird at all OP.

I wouldn't like being who didn't bother with me either.

widowtwankywashroom · 27/12/2023 16:55

OP. You're coming across as desperate

NewUser1111 · 27/12/2023 16:59

I’m in my 40s and have two kids and a full-on job and am exhausted permanently and have constant guilt that I don’t have enough time for the friends I’ve made from earlier in my life. If I meet a lovely neighbour or parent at the school I’ll probably think “oh so and so are lovely” but it wouldn’t occur to me to become friends with them. If it happens organically through say hours spent in the playground or at kids’ parties then great. But I just don’t have the headspace to actively make new friends at the moment. I would hate to think anyone was offended by this or started to dislike me because of it…

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 17:01

NewUser1111 · 27/12/2023 16:59

I’m in my 40s and have two kids and a full-on job and am exhausted permanently and have constant guilt that I don’t have enough time for the friends I’ve made from earlier in my life. If I meet a lovely neighbour or parent at the school I’ll probably think “oh so and so are lovely” but it wouldn’t occur to me to become friends with them. If it happens organically through say hours spent in the playground or at kids’ parties then great. But I just don’t have the headspace to actively make new friends at the moment. I would hate to think anyone was offended by this or started to dislike me because of it…

But that's a little bit different.

I don't run up begging every parent at school to be my friend either. I don't have time eitherzlfa

OP posts:

NewUser1111 · 27/12/2023 17:04

I’m sure you don’t but I was trying to give the other people’s perspective. That it’s perfectly possible they aren’t keen on getting closer to you not because they don’t like you - and therefore presumably you would feel differently about them?- but because they just feel they can’t take on another commitment?

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 17:07

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 16:01

I find it quite sad that you would categorically not consider making a new connection in your life, because you already had friends.

I'm also too busy right now to consider new friends, but I wouldn't categorically rule it out in the future if it happens to present itself to me. I won't go looking, but if in 5 years things have calmed down, of course I would be open to it.

To me, the post sounded final - I'm nearly 40, I have all the friends I will ever need and I'm done forever kind of thing.

Perhaps I read it wrong, but if I didn't, I find it sad.

I think what’s sadder is your decision you dislike people if they don’t want a friendship with you and are really quite rude randomly to people, you can smell people like ghe pp?

you come across as quite needy and lacking in empathy, as well as very self focused.

myladybelle · 27/12/2023 17:08

BrringBrringMeow · 27/12/2023 13:37

She said "not sure what we're doing yet". Well, you could be having a playdate with us! Just waiting for a better offer is rude.

I would certainly say this, but it wouldn’t be about a better offer. It could be not having a chance to discuss with my spouse if we should head out to that overdue visit to the in-laws, etc, so not wanting to commit to anything without checking first.

That's considered rude though just so you know!

TitaniasAss · 27/12/2023 17:09

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 16:01

I find it quite sad that you would categorically not consider making a new connection in your life, because you already had friends.

I'm also too busy right now to consider new friends, but I wouldn't categorically rule it out in the future if it happens to present itself to me. I won't go looking, but if in 5 years things have calmed down, of course I would be open to it.

To me, the post sounded final - I'm nearly 40, I have all the friends I will ever need and I'm done forever kind of thing.

Perhaps I read it wrong, but if I didn't, I find it sad.

To be fair OP, you have said that you just don't like people if they don't want a 'closer friendship' with you. You actively don't like people for that reason. I would say that's a bit more unusual than simply realising that one simply just does not have enough time to invest in new friendships, therefore choose to invest in the ones they already have. That's not unusual, your outlook is.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 17:39

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 16:40

@VanityDiesHard I just mean people who don't want to make connections, I can tell when that's the case and don't bother.

Isn’t this almost everyone that you come across though, OP? By the time you get to your 30s/40s, if you’ve acquired a partner and a child or more, and have a vaguely functional wider family (which is most people), nobody actively seeks more connections outside of hobbies etc. Life is full and busy, unlike when you’re at school / university / early days of career when you’re still forming connections and your own personality.

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 17:53

@Raincloudsonasunnyday there are definitely still people wanting to make connections at that age- look at apps like peanut which is mainly for mums. I've made a couple of local connections on there, as I moved to a new area. If you're more central in london, you meet lots of people this age wanting to make connections even on playground because they don't have family nearby etc. it's not that unusual and just depends on where you live and your circumstances.

People also move around etc. also the school mums I know really want to make connections with other school mums. Granted they don't all want to do that, but some definitely want to and you can tell who wants to and who doesn't as much. I don't think it's unusual, especially for people who move around a fair bit.

OP posts:

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 18:02

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 17:39

Isn’t this almost everyone that you come across though, OP? By the time you get to your 30s/40s, if you’ve acquired a partner and a child or more, and have a vaguely functional wider family (which is most people), nobody actively seeks more connections outside of hobbies etc. Life is full and busy, unlike when you’re at school / university / early days of career when you’re still forming connections and your own personality.

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I’m with the op on this, plenty of people move areas, or their friends do. Friendships end. People put grow each other. Plenty of folks looking for new friends.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 18:11

I'm friendly to people I meet, and to neighbours etc, and it's rare that I dislike any of them, but I don't make actual friends very easily, because I'm only really interested in being friends with people I feel a real connection with, and feel like we have quite a lot in common.

I find it very odd that you would assume someone actually didn't like you, just because they don't appear interested in establishing a close friendship!

WhatNoRaisins · 27/12/2023 18:39

I understand life getting busy in your 30s/40s but it's really hard for those who don't have those connections for whatever reason. I dread my friends drifting apart or having to move areas as it seems such an uphill struggle trying to forge new relationships.

HappyBusman · 27/12/2023 19:17

You sound quite odd, OP. Are you honestly saying that your main criterion for liking someone is whether they like you? How do you determine whether or not they like you — is it, as you suggest, a matter of them wanting to befriend you?

And you’re perfectly happy to set aside as ‘not nice’ someone who is interesting, clever, funny, kind, excellent company etc purely because they don’t make a point of wanting to befriend you? You don’t have a category of ‘X seems great but isn’t up for friendship’?

HappyBusman · 27/12/2023 19:23

I say this as someone who has moved around a lot in adulthood and is always open to new friendships, because I’ve had to be. I think I’m quite fussy in terms of the kind of person I want in my life, and obviously, I’m not going to dash around after people who aren’t attracted to me, or don’t have time/capacity for more friends, but I certainly don’t dislike them because they don’t want to be my friend!

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 19:36

HappyBusman · 27/12/2023 19:17

You sound quite odd, OP. Are you honestly saying that your main criterion for liking someone is whether they like you? How do you determine whether or not they like you — is it, as you suggest, a matter of them wanting to befriend you?

And you’re perfectly happy to set aside as ‘not nice’ someone who is interesting, clever, funny, kind, excellent company etc purely because they don’t make a point of wanting to befriend you? You don’t have a category of ‘X seems great but isn’t up for friendship’?

It does depend on the situation. When I wrote the post I was thinking about a specific situation and then tried to trace it back and realised I always have a bit of a sour taste in my mouth when my efforts to be friendly aren't reciprocated.

I don't mean we have to be besties, but just reciprocal. Like with the neighbours, one side we have a reciprocal thing going on and the other side I've noticed it's not the case. I'm not besties even with the reciprocal ones, but there's no ' rejection ' there that I feel my effort isn't reciprocated. We do the same, but not too much.

At school pick up for example, I wouldn't hate on the mums that make no effort or are a bit rude, but I wouldn't really like them either. I get on with the mums and like the mums that are nice back and show an interest.

I just as easily ' like ' people, as I ' dislike ' them. It doesn't take long and I don't hold a grudge. It's a superficial feeling of feeling a sense of rejection I guess. I wouldn't hold it against them, if they later did try a bit more of that makes sense.

But my initial feeling is like ' ok fine then, you're not very nice '. I don't have problems socially and I'm a good friend and not a horrible person, it's just a knee jerk feeling that comes over me.

OP posts:

Irridescantshimmmer · 27/12/2023 19:51

People have a choice though don't they. Some people get on better with some and not with others.

What matters is that people have the choice, wether they want to talk to you or not. As an example, a lot of my neighbours choose to keep themselves to themselves, and I accept that's just their choice and don't take offence, I choose to be tolerant, smile, say hello and go about my day and all is well

If my neighbours don't want to be in regular contact that is fine by me.

Your choice to hate your neighbours, bearing in mind hate is a strong word meaning intense intolerance and extreme hostility towards people who mean you no offense. For their own reasons, they are not in regular contact with you makes you sound like a very severe and bitter person You don't know what personal issues or challenges they could be dealing with before you choose to suddenly hate someone think before you take offence.

Tolerance and compassion goes a long way. When we change the way we look at things,the things we look at change

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 19:57

Irridescantshimmmer · 27/12/2023 19:51

People have a choice though don't they. Some people get on better with some and not with others.

What matters is that people have the choice, wether they want to talk to you or not. As an example, a lot of my neighbours choose to keep themselves to themselves, and I accept that's just their choice and don't take offence, I choose to be tolerant, smile, say hello and go about my day and all is well

If my neighbours don't want to be in regular contact that is fine by me.

Your choice to hate your neighbours, bearing in mind hate is a strong word meaning intense intolerance and extreme hostility towards people who mean you no offense. For their own reasons, they are not in regular contact with you makes you sound like a very severe and bitter person You don't know what personal issues or challenges they could be dealing with before you choose to suddenly hate someone think before you take offence.

Tolerance and compassion goes a long way. When we change the way we look at things,the things we look at change

I totally get what you're saying but I don't hate them at all. I don't think I ever said I hate anyone, it's just a dislike feeling. I understand we all have personal stuff going on and the feeling of dislike is rather fleeting anyway. If they want to come over tomorrow to have a cup of tea, I would and I would have no problem with it. I just wouldn't make the first move.

I sometimes don't feel like being friendly at all with people and when I'm having a good day, I'll be friendly etc. it's normal. I wouldn't have a problem if they weren't super keen on me during my moody day.

OP posts:

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2023 19:58

myladybelle · 27/12/2023 17:08

That's considered rude though just so you know!

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Why is it rude to not know whether there is plans and therefore what the plan is yet and say so?

myladybelle · 27/12/2023 20:36

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos because most people who are not rude would say "I'd love to let me check with X" not a general "not sure"

Gotosleepnow2023 · 27/12/2023 20:45

OP I'm the same. I would have thought that's a normal reaction, why would you really like someone who is giving you the cold shoulder or actively keeping their distance from you? I reckon it's a perfectly sensible reaction and following your instincts. I mean if you're ever in trouble you'll know which neighbour not ask for help from right?

Original poster

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 20:52

Gotosleepnow2023 · 27/12/2023 20:45

OP I'm the same. I would have thought that's a normal reaction, why would you really like someone who is giving you the cold shoulder or actively keeping their distance from you? I reckon it's a perfectly sensible reaction and following your instincts. I mean if you're ever in trouble you'll know which neighbour not ask for help from right?

Yeah I suppose that's all I'm really saying, although I perhaps worded it a bit badly.

OP posts:

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2023 21:13

myladybelle · 27/12/2023 20:36

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos because most people who are not rude would say "I'd love to let me check with X" not a general "not sure"

Or just, "I'm not sure what the plans are, let me get back to you"? I genuinely can't understand why there's any difference in that and "let me check with...."

In my life, my DH may have made arrangements and its slipped his mind to mention it because we're both busy and sometimes only chat for 10 mins a day. Or there may be extended family events that aren't exactly on the date but I can't remember which weekend they chose. Or my family might be coming to visit, which happens around every 2-4 weeks but as they are also busy sometimes things have come up. And, when I'm picking up DC and thinking of the million things we need to do that week AND wanting to get home to eat and sleep, if someone asks me if I want to do something it's much easier on both of us to say not sure on plans, I'll get back to you than run through the list of things that might be happening on any given weekend.

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 21:57

There are also people I've made connections with who I then decided weren't for me and I stopped reciprocating. I assume they dislike me now, because I know they would have wanted to continue the friendship. I'm probably too black and white about it all.

You certainly are! I very much doubt they're thinking about you at all. People come and go, and if they'd wanted to continue the friendship they would have done something. Nobody is bothered enough to dislike someone with whom they had such a casual, tenuous friendship. Indeed if you're this intense and black and white about things in general, they might have been relieved! Not everyone is suited to everyone else, it's not a judgement, it's just nature.

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 22:02

wardrobemaldunction · 27/12/2023 16:40

@VanityDiesHard I just mean people who don't want to make connections, I can tell when that's the case and don't bother.

And yet you're busy saying you dislike people, not just that you don't bother.

You're also repeatedly ignoring that the PP said she doesn't have time for new people to be starting friendships.