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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Took the shine off my Christmas present

364 replies

notdoing · 27/12/2023 09:24

We had and family round for Christmas and Boxing Day and after hosting, finally got round to showing off my gift from DP.

Obviously I was really pleased as it was something I've wanted for a while, not cheap so I hadn't just bought it myself already, and I made that clear. As I'm showing them what I got, my very close friend gets out her phone, searches for the gift and buys herself the exact same thing. It's something you'd wear so I did comment but she made out like it was fine, we won't wear them at the same time etc and I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not but just honestly felt a bit gutted 😞

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 27/12/2023 12:56

YANBU OP, this was at best rude and tactless of your friend, and at worst competitive and passive aggressive.

Watchkeys · 27/12/2023 12:56

It's not 'humble-bragging' if someone asks you what your partner got you for Christmas and you say 'This.'

Where's the humble?

Where's the brag?

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 27/12/2023 12:56

I think it depends entirely on what the gift is OP and understand why you're not sharing this information.

I recently bought some boots and when my friend saw them she loved them and bought them online straight away. It's a style we both like and it's difficult to find a pair in that style that ticks all the boxes so I totally get why she purchased them.

However, if it was something a bit more unique and not something you'd pick up on the high street, like a designer handbag or necklace, then yes I would have felt perplexed. For example, when I next see her and show her my bracelet from DP, I would feel a bit "wtf" if she jumped online to buy it. I guess it makes it feel less special although I can't explain why.

There's nothing you can do so just take it as a big compliment that your gift was that nice that she had to immediately buy it herself!

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 12:56

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 12:42

If you want it too, wait until you get home and buy it privately rather than ruining someone else's moment
Oh I totally agree with that but it's part of the whole game of making people envious and proving that it isn't working because....

Bad behaviour on both parts.

She's not trying to make anyone envious. How mean spirited do you have to be to see that in someone showing friends and family a nice gift she received from her husband? It's a nice Christmas moment, that's all.

This is definitely seeing things as you are, not as they are.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 27/12/2023 12:56

nutster · 27/12/2023 12:47

exactly

so bizarre the op being cagey about the present

i mean how many people spend christmas day with their BF and that immediately goes online to buy same present that DP bought her?!

my guess is that whatever the gift is… it’s something very practical and / or unspecial l

It does not matter what the gift was.

It does not matter whether posters would consider it a "special" gift or not.

But I rather hope the OP's friend does find this thread and twigs that it is referring to her crass behaviour.

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 13:01

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me
OP says it herself. Her main issue was that it took the shine off her. If that's not referring to attention, what is meant by this statement?

mum11970 · 27/12/2023 13:02

Gees, just tell us what it is. There is so much detail in this that your friend is going to recognise herself if she reads it whether you tell us what the item is or not. Is it a nice handbag, something like a pair of Uggs that literally half the female population seem to own or something a bit more individual? Can’t say I’d get particularly upset about something like this though.

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:02

Very surprised at the amount of people who apparently keep gifts they've been given under wraps and wouldn't let their family see them!

It's not as if I thrust my gifts into their faces as soon as they were through the door! We were just relaxing after a busy family Christmas and my mum asked to see them, that's not bragging or trying to make anyone envy me. I was just really happy with the gift and that much was obvious.

OP posts:
Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 13:03

guineverehadgreeneyes · 27/12/2023 12:56

It does not matter what the gift was.

It does not matter whether posters would consider it a "special" gift or not.

But I rather hope the OP's friend does find this thread and twigs that it is referring to her crass behaviour.

Show quote history

I think it does matter. And it’s something you wear. She says so in her op. I’m guessing she’s not saying as it will change the answers and not for the illogical it will make it recognisable.

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:06

"I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me
OP says it herself. Her main issue was that it took the shine off her. If that's not referring to attention, what is meant by this statement?"

Well read the statement, it's right there! Took the shine off IT, not off ME. As in it made the gift and the moment of being happy that I had something I've wanted for a while, that bit less special. Less nice.

Some people are desperate to turn this into something it's not. I felt a bit deflated when I reflected on it this morning and posted to get opinions. I'm not here to slag off my friend, I haven't called her names or anything like that. It just surprised and upset me and didn't feel nice at all.

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 13:07

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:02

Very surprised at the amount of people who apparently keep gifts they've been given under wraps and wouldn't let their family see them!

It's not as if I thrust my gifts into their faces as soon as they were through the door! We were just relaxing after a busy family Christmas and my mum asked to see them, that's not bragging or trying to make anyone envy me. I was just really happy with the gift and that much was obvious.

Really?

We are adults and i suppose many of us really aren’t interested in what other adults received from other adults!

Children? hell yes

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:07

Your rather daft caginess about “the gift” I also find quite telling TBH

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:10

"I’m guessing she’s not saying as it will change the answers and not for the illogical it will make it recognisable."

No, it'll make it beyond question and I don't want to fall out with my friend. It's unusual enough, I don't know anyone who has this and said as much. I've seen just one other stranger wearing it and my friend knows this. It's not Uggs!

No matter what it was, I don't think that while a friend is showing her nearest and dearest something that was gifted to her and saying how much it meant to her, that you should start googling the item and whip out your bank card. It felt a bit mean and plenty seem to agree with me.

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 13:10

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 13:03

I think it does matter. And it’s something you wear. She says so in her op. I’m guessing she’s not saying as it will change the answers and not for the illogical it will make it recognisable.

Show quote history

My sister received a really good piece of gardening equipment from her husband for christmas.

I bought it an hour later as our other sister urged me too because knew it would be so useful to me given what i’d been telling her about earlier on in the day

no one batted an eye. It was a practical present with no sentimental value.

So yes, it is bloody relevant!

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:10

OP

why so cagey whether she is often insensitive to you or whether this was a complete one off?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 27/12/2023 13:14

OP, lots of us get it. It's a perfectly understandable feeling.

Love your present just as much as when you opened it, & remember that someone loved you enough to buy you something nice that you wanted, as a special treat & a sign of their affection. Your friend may have the same item, but she had to buy it for herself & she only bought it because you had it - & she committed an obvious faux pas in doing so, & made herself look naff in front of everyone. You're the winner here.

sandragreen · 27/12/2023 13:14

It’s a bit odd that your friend did this, but I think it’s an overreaction to let it take the shine off it for you.

If it’s something she could just whip out her phone and buy, it’s not terribly unusual and it seems like friend was thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious (unless there’s a huge drip feed coming)

You can’t control friends behaviour but you can change your reaction to it. I would just let it go, but I am not one for sweating the small stuff or falling out with people at the drop of a hat/watch/handbag

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:16

@nutster why are you so concerned and cross about it?

If it wasn't for you comparing what I have said is a lovely luxury item that felt a bit special to your sisters trowel, I'd wonder if maybe you're my friend. "Digging" for more info as it were.

I'm not going to dissect her past behaviour or her personality on here, I just wanted to see if anyone could relate and work out why I felt so uncomfortable about it. We're very close and she knew it was something I'd coveted rather than something practical and ten a penny. That's why I was taken aback.

OP posts:
BerriesNutsConkers · 27/12/2023 13:17

@notdoing Please ignore those attacking you! I'm sure they would be upset if a so called friend did the same to them.

Appalling behaviour to just order the exact same thing you had shown her regardless of what it was!

sandalsinthebin · 27/12/2023 13:19

FestiveHackathon · 27/12/2023 10:36

Was it something distinctive like this cape?

https://www.wolfandbadger.com/uk/the-silver-feather-cape/

Grin
Jurassicpark1234 · 27/12/2023 13:20

Is it a Birkin? Now I’m really curious! Don’t worry if it is because she absolutely can’t buy one over the internet lol

Upwiththelark76 · 27/12/2023 13:24

I’m with you OP it’s poor form to do that .

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 13:26

It seems a bit thoughtless for her to have bought it there and then, and also perhaps not the most sensible decision-making process around an expensive item (assuming this is something that wouldn't be an everyday purchase for you both). Overall, though, I'd try to take it as a compliment that this item is so lovely that she couldn't resist getting one of her own.

As for wearing/using them at the same time, what's wrong with that?

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:31

"As for wearing/using them at the same time, what's wrong with that?"

Do you "twin" with your adult friends? Fair enough, but it's not something I've seen and my friend apparently agrees since she said we won't wear at the same time. Hopefully she doesn't expect me not to wear mine so she can wear hers!

OP posts:
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