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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Took the shine off my Christmas present

364 replies

notdoing · 27/12/2023 09:24

We had and family round for Christmas and Boxing Day and after hosting, finally got round to showing off my gift from DP.

Obviously I was really pleased as it was something I've wanted for a while, not cheap so I hadn't just bought it myself already, and I made that clear. As I'm showing them what I got, my very close friend gets out her phone, searches for the gift and buys herself the exact same thing. It's something you'd wear so I did comment but she made out like it was fine, we won't wear them at the same time etc and I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not but just honestly felt a bit gutted 😞

OP posts:
amusedbush · 27/12/2023 12:13

I had a friend who did this a few years ago when I mentioned that I'd bought a dress for an event. She asked to see it, immediately found it online and pulled out her bank card to order it then and there. I found it incredibly weird at the time and I still think it's weird.

To be fair though, she had a history of similar stuff. I got new glasses and a few weeks later, she had the same ones. I had a fringe cut into my hair and - surprise, surprise - she booked an appointment to get a fringe cut in.

Obviously OP's friend is at liberty to order whatever she wants and people will own the same stuff, but to immediately order it in front of her is weird.

SlightlyJaded · 27/12/2023 12:14

Your friend was a dick.

For those not getting it: You have been hankering after something that is out of your everyday budget and therefore SPECIAL to you. Your partner gives it to you for Christmas and you are thrilled. Your family ask to see it so you show them. You are delighted with it and they are pleased that you have this lovely thing you want.

Your 'best' friend - instead of letting you have a moment where you feel pleased that you have this thing - shows you that she can have one too, right then and there.

Really? That's not insensitive? It's not about being the adult or the £cost, it's about purposefully taking the shine off your friend's moment of delight.

catmothertes1 · 27/12/2023 12:19

cynan · 27/12/2023 09:39

What adult "shows off" their Christmas gift? I find that unreasonable. Are you put out that your friend could afford the item without it having to be a Christmas treat?

Would you not show a friend your new designer bag or nice watch?

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 12:20

That's the problem when you get stuff to impress others and like the idea that they might be envious. It can back fire if they can indeed afford it themselves.

I hate this false 'friendship' trend trying to get one up over others. This competitive attitude over very expensive luxury items is what leads in part to people feeling insecure, miserable and always on the look out for the next thing.

You should have taken it out to 'show it off', just wear it at the next appropriate get together, in a more subtle manner.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 27/12/2023 12:26

amusedbush · 27/12/2023 12:13

I had a friend who did this a few years ago when I mentioned that I'd bought a dress for an event. She asked to see it, immediately found it online and pulled out her bank card to order it then and there. I found it incredibly weird at the time and I still think it's weird.

To be fair though, she had a history of similar stuff. I got new glasses and a few weeks later, she had the same ones. I had a fringe cut into my hair and - surprise, surprise - she booked an appointment to get a fringe cut in.

Obviously OP's friend is at liberty to order whatever she wants and people will own the same stuff, but to immediately order it in front of her is weird.

I think we have/had the same friend! She would see something one of the other women had got, buy herself the same thing or a close match, & the next time she saw that person she'd say, "Look! I've got one just the same!" & expect the person to congratulate her (rather than gritting their teeth & saying nothing, which is what happened every time).

She also got the name of my hairdresser from me, went in & said (my stylist told me afterwards), "I want my hair just like Android's," which was thankfully impossible as her hair was a completely different texture to mine.

I can imagine her these days whipping out her phone & buying it on the spot.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2023 12:26

notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:15

"What is the gift?"

Sorry, I don't want to say. She uses MN occasionally and as pps have said, it's not worth falling out about. I do think she'd make a big thing about me having shared this on here even though it's completely anonymous.

I suppose I need to consider why that is, just like I'm wondering why she ordered herself the same thing there and then, despite others in the room being a bit taken aback and saying as much at the time.

The fact is, it's not something either of us would just buy every day, it was special enough that I went and got it to show them and they wanted to see. She also apparently agreed it would be odd if we wore it at the same time.

Unless you’ve changed lots of the details surely if your friend sees this thread she’ll know it’s about her regardless of whether you actually disclose whether it’s a hat/ coat/ dress etc as you’ve been quite specific about the situation. I can’t imagine there are that many women who’ve spent today at their best friends house with her family, had friends Xmas present passed around (really don’t think adults showing off gifts is very common!) and who’ve them gone on to order the same thing right there and then! Your friend will almost certainly recognise herself even if you haven’t explicitly said what the gift was!

CorylusAgain · 27/12/2023 12:27

Your 'best' friend - instead of letting you have a moment where you feel pleased that you have this thing - shows you that she can have one too, right then and there

Really? That's not insensitive? It's not about being the adult or the £cost, it's about purposefully taking the shine off your friend's moment of delight

I can honestly say I don't see it as taking the "shine" off anything. The friend did something very odd and that reflects badly on her.

But the OP was still firmly in the spotlight, showing off the lovely gift her dh had bought her.

totalnamechanger · 27/12/2023 12:27

I’m with you OP. I’ve got a friend who has done this with several items ( clothes and accessories). She’s grabbed something I’m wearing a few times to look at the label. Once she told me in a delighted way that she’d got her boots cheaper than mine as they were more discounted in the sale! If it was ever a more expensive item like a handbag or an unusual piece of jewellery, I’d have had enough 🤣

Garlicnaan · 27/12/2023 12:28

Not a problem for her to buy the same thing

But the way she went about it was awful. Crass and insensitive.

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 12:28

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 12:20

That's the problem when you get stuff to impress others and like the idea that they might be envious. It can back fire if they can indeed afford it themselves.

I hate this false 'friendship' trend trying to get one up over others. This competitive attitude over very expensive luxury items is what leads in part to people feeling insecure, miserable and always on the look out for the next thing.

You should have taken it out to 'show it off', just wear it at the next appropriate get together, in a more subtle manner.

It's nothing to do with trying to make people envious. When someone shows you a nice gift they've just been given, you don't immediately get your phone out and order it in front of them because it's rude, self-centred, tone deaf and antisocial. If you want it too, wait until you get home and buy it privately rather than ruining someone else's moment.

AprilDecember · 27/12/2023 12:30

I get where you're coming from. A few years ago fr a milestone birthday my mum got me an expensive electronic item. It's not something I asked for, thought I wanted (though I ended up loving it and using it loads!) or ever imagined her getting me. Her sister then bought herself the same model before I'd even blown out my candles (with money she'd borrowed off me after claiming to be destitute, but that's another story). It didn't "take the shine" off my gift because it was given with love and thought, and I still enjoyed the gift just as much. But it did make me realise my aunt is the kind of person who just can't bear anyone else having nicer things than her or having some of the attention (I hate attention myself!). It's a reflection on her, not me, so it didn't make me feel bad, it just made me lose a little bit more respect for her - it was already on thr slide to be honest.

I think I would not be particularly bothered about someone having the same item as me, especially if it was a wearable thing because I'm not a fashion person, but I do think it's a bit naff to make a show of buying the same thing in that moment of gifting, yea. It's envy and then immediately addressing the cause of envy.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/12/2023 12:30

I’m with you OP, that was a bit rude of her.

TonTonMacoute · 27/12/2023 12:31

YANBU

i think that's an utterly bizarre thing to do, especially to a close friend

QWE96 · 27/12/2023 12:33

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 12:20

That's the problem when you get stuff to impress others and like the idea that they might be envious. It can back fire if they can indeed afford it themselves.

I hate this false 'friendship' trend trying to get one up over others. This competitive attitude over very expensive luxury items is what leads in part to people feeling insecure, miserable and always on the look out for the next thing.

You should have taken it out to 'show it off', just wear it at the next appropriate get together, in a more subtle manner.

Exactly this. While I agree that your friend's behaviour wasn't the "done thing" in that situation, I think your humble bragging is actually the issue here. It's great that you've been given such a lovely gift, but you chose to show it around, and people might choose to buy such a lovely thing for themselves. It doesn't change that you still have the thing, does it? Or is the issue that you'll no longer be the centre of attention with it?

Gymnopedie · 27/12/2023 12:37

Or is the issue that you'll no longer be the centre of attention with it?

I don't think it's the OP who has a problem with not being the centre of attention.

MacLaine · 27/12/2023 12:41

Not RTFT but I wonder if it’s clothes and the friend is slimmer…

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 12:42

If you want it too, wait until you get home and buy it privately rather than ruining someone else's moment
Oh I totally agree with that but it's part of the whole game of making people envious and proving that it isn't working because....

Bad behaviour on both parts.

NoSauce · 27/12/2023 12:43

OP I wouldn’t have done that to a friend.
Enjoy your present. Yanbu.

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 12:44

What is the gift?

Perhaps other mumsnetters might like to get one. Obviously your friend thought it was fab enough to buy it on the spot. I'm really curious now.

The sales are coming up as well so there might be a good chance it's been reduced to half price.

nutster · 27/12/2023 12:44

or she saw it as something not particularly special and indulgent but rather a practical present that the OP would not remotely think was taking away from her pleasure of it

It all depends on whether the BF often behaves insensitively or whether this was a complete one off. but for some reason. the OP is not keen to enlighten us on this

peachsweettea · 27/12/2023 12:45

notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:15

"What is the gift?"

Sorry, I don't want to say. She uses MN occasionally and as pps have said, it's not worth falling out about. I do think she'd make a big thing about me having shared this on here even though it's completely anonymous.

I suppose I need to consider why that is, just like I'm wondering why she ordered herself the same thing there and then, despite others in the room being a bit taken aback and saying as much at the time.

The fact is, it's not something either of us would just buy every day, it was special enough that I went and got it to show them and they wanted to see. She also apparently agreed it would be odd if we wore it at the same time.

I find this so funny because it’s not like the situation is really vague because you haven’t mentioned the gift - you’ve given so many other details like who you showed it to, what your mum said, what your friend said etc. do you really think if she’s on MN she won’t be able to tell it’s about her because you haven’t mentioned the gift?! 😂

nutster · 27/12/2023 12:47

exactly

so bizarre the op being cagey about the present

i mean how many people spend christmas day with their BF and that immediately goes online to buy same present that DP bought her?!

my guess is that whatever the gift is… it’s something very practical and / or unspecial l

guineverehadgreeneyes · 27/12/2023 12:50

QWE96:

"Exactly this. While I agree that your friend's behaviour wasn't the "done thing" in that situation, I think your humble bragging is actually the issue here. It's great that you've been given such a lovely gift, but you chose to show it around, and people might choose to buy such a lovely thing for themselves. It doesn't change that you still have the thing, does it? Or is the issue that you'll no longer be the centre of attention with it?"

I think your perception that the OP is "humble bragging" and maybe feels she was no longer "the centre of attention" is very misplaced.

When her mum asked to see the gift, what do you suggest the OP should have said?

What if the OP's mum had asked to see a gift her son-in-law had been given. What would you expect the OP's husband to have said?

It's not at all unusual at a family gathering for a family member to ask to look at someone else's gift.

What is weird is for a good friend to whip out her phone and order one for herself, there and then.

LittleMissSunshiner · 27/12/2023 12:53

ROFL at the pious matrydom of the people who think OP should not have 'shown off' her xmas prez.

Wow what are we all living in a nunnery now? Should whip self with brambles and stand in the town square for a day saying hail marys FFS.

There's a huge diff between having no humility and showing friends and family things you like / bought / received / won.

Doteycat · 27/12/2023 12:55

Your friend is a cunt.
Basically.

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