Page 10 | Took the shine off my Christmas present

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 13:35

notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:35

"Does this friend have a partner/DH?"

Yes she does and he treats her well.

For all those saying there will be lots of people also with the same item, yes there will, but none of my friends or family already had it and I've only seen one other person wearing it whilst out and about!

Was her husband there?

I think the friend's behaviour was odd but I think your reaction is a bit OTT.

Watchkeys · 27/12/2023 13:35

I think that whether she's done similar types of thing before is quite relevant, @notdoing , not in terms of dissecting her, but in terms of understanding how you feel. After all, if you told us that she tapped you on the shoulder and you were really pissed off with her, that would be quite unreasonable of you. But if you told us she'd been tapping you on the shoulder once every minute, day and night, since Christmas Eve, then that would be perceived as much more understandable.

Personally I think it was quite insensitive of her to buy your present for herself, especially to do it right there and then. But sensitivity is a feeling, and it's different for everybody. You are allowed to feel as sensitive about her action(s) as you like; your feelings are a manifestation of who you are, and nobody can tell you you're right or wrong.

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:36

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:16

@nutster why are you so concerned and cross about it?

If it wasn't for you comparing what I have said is a lovely luxury item that felt a bit special to your sisters trowel, I'd wonder if maybe you're my friend. "Digging" for more info as it were.

I'm not going to dissect her past behaviour or her personality on here, I just wanted to see if anyone could relate and work out why I felt so uncomfortable about it. We're very close and she knew it was something I'd coveted rather than something practical and ten a penny. That's why I was taken aback.

heavens you’re a sensitive soul OP! Angry?

and I'd wonder if maybe you're my friend. "Digging" for more info as it were.

interesting. Sounds like one of those friendships i see occasionally on mumsnet where you don’t really seem to like each other

Grantanow · 27/12/2023 13:36

You are being petty about this and it might be thought a compliment to the quality of the gift that she wanted one too.

MacLaine · 27/12/2023 13:36

OP knows she’s unreasonable, that’s why she won’t say what it is!

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:37

I'm not going to dissect her past behaviour or her personality on here

of course it is relevant

never having ever made you feel like this before?

or
a recurring pattern of behaviour

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:38

MacLaine · 27/12/2023 13:36

OP knows she’s unreasonable, that’s why she won’t say what it is!

yup

hands up who spent christmas day with their best friend and when they showed you the present their DP bought you, you immediately ordered the same?

EffortlesslyInelegant · 27/12/2023 13:39

Not sure why everyone is so puzzled about what the gift was

It was an LV tote. Obvs.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 13:39

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:16

@nutster why are you so concerned and cross about it?

If it wasn't for you comparing what I have said is a lovely luxury item that felt a bit special to your sisters trowel, I'd wonder if maybe you're my friend. "Digging" for more info as it were.

I'm not going to dissect her past behaviour or her personality on here, I just wanted to see if anyone could relate and work out why I felt so uncomfortable about it. We're very close and she knew it was something I'd coveted rather than something practical and ten a penny. That's why I was taken aback.

It's not nutster who is getting cross.

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:39

EffortlesslyInelegant · 27/12/2023 13:39

Not sure why everyone is so puzzled about what the gift was

It was an LV tote. Obvs.

😂

Original poster

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:41

"Please ignore those attacking you!"

I will, and I won't be sharing what it is because I get the feeling they'd get a real kick out of trying to spoil it for me further. How sad.

OP posts:

MacLaine · 27/12/2023 13:45

Was it a ball? That you’re now taking and going home?

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 13:46

I think the issue is that the OP’s feelings about the gift were a combination of loving its particular qualities and feeling happy that it represented the relationship she has with her partner. He gifted it to her. Thats what is being displayed when you share the gift after the holiday. But her friend reduced it to a mere commercial transaction: anyone with a phone can buy it. And now when OP wears it out to a party she no longer feels that she is wearing a special gift from her partner, that she is specially valued by him, but simply wearing a dress that she could have bought for herself. Its the difference between cooking a beautiful meal for family and having the participants recognize it and having one member offer to hire a caterer next year and pay for the “same” meal. It devalues the experience.

Original poster

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:49

"It's not nutster who is getting cross."

4 posts in a row, edited at that, getting heated about what "bloody relevant" when I've explained my stance on that.

Hmm, ok then.

OP posts:

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 13:49

vivainsomnia · 27/12/2023 13:01

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me
OP says it herself. Her main issue was that it took the shine off her. If that's not referring to attention, what is meant by this statement?

Of course she wanted attention. Contrary to sanctimonious MN teaching, humans like and need attention from time to time and it's not a crime or a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with showing a few loved ones a nice Christmas gift from your husband for a couple of minutes of "aw how nice". Maybe you like being ignored all the time and never having a few moments of focus but if so, you're unusual to say the least.

GustyFinknottle · 27/12/2023 13:51

Personally I think it was quite insensitive of her to buy your present for herself, especially to do it right there and then. But sensitivity is a feeling, and it's different for everybody. You are allowed to feel as sensitive about her action(s) as you like; your feelings are a manifestation of who you are, and nobody can tell you you're right or wrong.

No, some things are likely to cause upset and offence and some things aren't, and an action like the 'friend's is highly likely yo be understood as undermining the OP and stealing her joy. You might think it's okay for, say, you to sit down for Christmas dinner naked and that I am being 'sensitive' when I tell you you need to put clothes on — but some things are okay and some things aren't, and sitting naked at a dining table when everyone else is clothed is not okay. Boundaries and manners go hand in hand. Manners are about showing respect. The OP's friend showed no respect for good manners or the OP's feelings. OP, I think when you're ready you do need to have a think about your friend's attitude to you and whether she really does value and respect you. Because her behaviour certainly didn't indicate that.

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:53

notdoing · 27/12/2023 13:49

"It's not nutster who is getting cross."

4 posts in a row, edited at that, getting heated about what "bloody relevant" when I've explained my stance on that.

Hmm, ok then.

edited for a typo! 😂

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:55

Given your BF presumably knows you are a sensitive soul prone take offence, I am surprised she took the risk tbh.

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 13:58

Whilst it's a compliment in one way, it's also a bit rude to just whip out the phone and buy it in front of everyone. Just enjoy the gift and try ignore what your friend did. I doubt she meant to upset.

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 13:58

@notdoing I don't think it's ever something I've cared that much about. There have been times friends and I have coincidentally worn the same thing and we've just laughed and carried on with our days. I wouldn't think anything of it, and I wouldn't be bothered by other people having the same thing as each other. If it bothers you, though, you could always just contact her in advance and tell her you're wearing/using yours for a particular event. Then she can decide what to do about hers.

Watchkeys · 27/12/2023 13:59

@GustyFinknottle

I'm not disputing that some things are regarded as good manners and some aren't, or that some things are more likely than others to cause offence. That's not what I was saying. I was saying that the grey areas aren't yours or mine to define, at the expense of someone else's right/wrongness.

Who is the authority? Where are the rules? Why would Fred know better than Tim? Why would OP know better than her friend?

It's evidenced on the thread that different people would have different responses to this, and unless you think that you're the final arbiter of who is right and who is wrong, you will understand my point.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 14:01

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not but just honestly felt a bit gutted

You asked. My answer is, I think you are being unreasonable. Your friend's behaviour is a bit odd but your reaction is OTT.

And yes it does matter what the gift was. I don't own this dress (yet) but I've had my eye on It. It can be bought quickly online but it's such a distinctive dress made in limited quantities that if I did own it, and a friend immediately bought it, I'd be a bit miffed. It would spoil it for me as the dress is almost unique.

Dress I wouldn't want my friend to own if I owned it

On the other hand, as there are so many of these it wouldn't make the slightest difference if a friend owned it.

Bag I wouldn't care if my friend owned even if I had it

Dusk Dress in Doomed Voyage print, sorbet & portS

The Dusk dress is our show-stopping dress. A romantic, whimsical, loose, oversized, solid silk dress full of gathers. The dress has large billowing sleeves, pockets and button cuffs and a gathered skirt. The doomed voyage print is a toile de jouy pri...

https://klements.co.uk/collections/dresses/products/dusk-dress-in-doomed-voyage-print-sorbet-port?variant=42760402043038

Original poster

notdoing · 27/12/2023 14:01

@Scirocco it's not that I'm bothered about having the same thing necessarily, it's the way the whole situation came about.

Some posters have hit the nail on the head I think, it was more that even though the other people in the room were a bit and said so, she continued without any concern as to how she made me feel. I still have no idea why she did it and just feel a bit crap about the whole thing tbh.

OP posts:

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 27/12/2023 14:04

I wouldn't be at all fussed if a friend owned the same item as me, but I think the fact that she ordered it at that particular moment was really crass on her part and I totally get where you're coming from @notdoing.

McMuffins · 27/12/2023 14:08

TitaniasAss · 27/12/2023 10:21

Well it's kind of obvious which MNetters happily copy their friends' purchases, which is kind bizarre behaviour for adults. 😁

OP, it's not a huge deal I suppose, but it just wasn't very nice of her. If a friend of mine has something new and lovely, I'll compliment them on it but I wouldn't dream of reaching for my phone to buy the identical item, because I'm not 13.

Was she copying her though or just happened to like the same item?

I think you have a bit of a playground mentality tbh. I haven’t cared about anyone ‘copying’ me since year 9.

If two grown adults both like something why shouldn’t they both be allowed to enjoy it?