SIL keeping BIL away from family

[AIB78]

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

sounds like you are making this all about you. You made the decision not to talk to her and now that decision has consequences. The decision your BIL made to stay with his wife was his and his family should have respected that. From the sounds of you I would be the same as SIL.

I completely agree. Why on earth are you acting so butt hurt? It’s not about you. My husband also cheated on me but if I made it my life’s work to avoid anyone who’d ever had or might have an affair my life would be pretty lonely. My advice is to seek therapy to help you get over yourself. The way you feel, and are acting, is not normal.

Your Bil has forgiven her and moved on but his family have not. Not surprised they do not attend events. And yabu being upset at her, this has/had nothing to do with you, you are putting your cheating ex issues all in her.
Move on you have no right to be upset, her husband has moved on I suggest you do the same.

It’s not about you OP. Her having an affair and hurting your BIL has sweet FA to do with your ex cheating on you.

are you one of those people
who makes everything about them?

No wonder they avoid you.

I think you are interfering in matters that don’t concern you OP . Your BIL and his wife have patched up their marriage after a mistake made years ago. That’s his choice. He chose his marriage.
Instead off supporting him , you have chosen to disrespect him and his wife because you are acting like judge and jury.
It’s non of your business!
Im not surprised he is distancing himself from those who are bullying his wife, good for him.

Are you not getting what everyone is saying to you? 🙄

I've read this about three times - I couldn't believe what I was reading. This is all about you, AIB78, isn't it? Not concern for your BIL, but for yourself, - and for keeping going some notion that your sister-in-law is personally responsible for your mental anguish. This is total rubbish and my word, shows you up as a drama queen to beat them all and takes self-obsession to new levels. Do you not realise that it says more about you as a person than it does about your SIL?

Number one: Your SIL isn't responsible for the failure of world peace nor for the fact that your first husband cheated on you. Number Two: You may not like the woman, but if you had any decency you would not be making a bad situation even worse. This 'feud' lark is ridiculous - it's not a scene from The Godfather - if your BIL decided to reconcile with his wife, that's his choice, not yours. Stop being a mischief-maker - it could rebound on you.

This is astonishing 😶

op, as everyone has said - this is NOT about your feelings!

But also - you have NO idea what else was going on in their relationship at that time. Yes, infidelity is awful - but so, for example, is emotional abuse. You have no idea whether she was living with something like that at the time, and so you have to let it go.

I can understand why you would feel anger towards SiL.

However, as soon as BiL forgave her, that should have been your cue to also let it go. You had no right to hold onto that grudge, and it should never have been about you, your past and your feelings.

What SiL did was wrong, but, living a life ignored by her husband’s family, talked about…well, who would want to engage with that.

Did you all expect BiL to bring the children to you/PiL on Christmas Eve and leave SiL at home alone? Or were you expecting her to sit at PiL house feeling ostracised? Which was the better option for their family and children? Neither. So they chose to stay home, and I can’t say I blame them. It sounds like BiL made the effort to see his parents earlier in the day, when the judgemental members of his family weren’t around to make him feel crap.

Your extended family have spent years punishing not just SiL, but indirectly BiL and their children. So they have pulled away and I don’t blame them one bit.

I would suggest trying to apologise and start afresh, but I genuinely think that there’s too much water under the bridge and you’ll never be close again.

And as for SiL hosting your children, well frankly I can’t blame her for stopping that either. You are being way too self obsessed and way too entitled.

I abhor cheating as much as the next person, but this has nothing to do with you and BiL made his choice.

It is not for you to cut her out on your brothers behalf. He isnt holding onto it so why are you? Trust me she isn't keeping him away from you he is removing himself from a toxic situation

This happened to my cousin. His wife had an affair. They separated. My aunt (his mother) involved herself, was unforgivably judgemental, apportioned the whole blame to his wife and wrote a really nasty letter telling her so and told everyone the personal details of the break-up. However, he went back to his wife and they made it work. My aunt rarely saw her grandchildren again and never saw her DIL again. His sister's DH took a similar stance and my cousin has never been to his sister's house again because his DW is unwelcome.

15 years later, he meets his sister occasionally for a walk and a coffee but they have no family occasions. Her husband will not have his SIL in the house and will not go to their house, although he has been asked. Stupid, dim, pompous man thinks he has taken the moral high ground. My aunt died seeing her son infrequently- she regretted what she had done but was never willing to build bridges and what she had said and done was horrible.

Jesus Christ this is either a wind up or the OP is genuinely dense.

Wow. Who died and made you judge, jury and executioner?

The state of their relationship was and is none of your business. If you had any respect for your BIL you would have accepted his decision to forgive SIL and moved on. Yes, you can privately fume and hold it against her but you keep your judgemental mouth shut. You are supposed to support the person who was betrayed rather than turn it all around on yourself.

You absolutely owe both your BIL and SIL and apology but after this length of time I wouldn’t expect them to accept it.

Lol I am hoping the SIL is to. To add to this we'll done for wide berthing this family especially your SIL. They are toxic, bonkers and interfering. Your dcs don't need that rubbish in there life's nor do you and your hubby.

Out of interest, OP, how does your current husband feel about the fact that you are still so hung up over your previous husband and his affair? You've clearly not moved on from it despite being happily married (presumably).

Oh, @adultchildofalcoholicparents ,my heart broke for the children in particular, but also the adults trapped in the kind of families and behaviours you describe. What torture. I suppose if you grow up in that environment then, like the OP, you think it's normal and okay to hold grudges, apportion blame and punish people, all the time sure you're right and they're wrong...

My family aren't wealthy or sophisticated or smart, not good looking or successful, not the life of the party — but they don't gossip, don't hold grudges and don't take their feelings out on other people. I've often felt slightly embarrassed that we are so dull and apparently lacking passion. I read of all these high passions and furious feelings on MN and think maybe we're missing something. No public rows, no walking out, no gossiping about others' private lives, no discussion of anything difficult in front of the children (even when the children are adults). Not even, as far as I know, silently seething with each other or refusing to speak in private. Just people who try to empathise and find something positive to say and rub through life without falling out. Now, having read your post, I'm reminded of how lucky I've been and want to go and hug all the dull, well-meaning, people I grew up among.

My ex had an affair and totally gaslit me about it, I've never really got over it and I do find if harder to like someone if I know they've done something like this. However, I don't refuse to speak to everyone who has ever had an affair. Your over- reaction is dividing your family and hurting innocent people like your BIL and your own kids. Can't you see this is an extreme approach?

This is not all about you.

Wow!

You really need to get some help.

I fear that this apt cautionary tale will fall on deaf ears with this OP.

It’s a sad story. And illustrates very well why people should not take sides and appoint themselves arbiters of other people’s relationships.

Are you always so self indulged?

The affair has/had nothing to do with any of you.

You don't like his wife and run her down, yet you expect your bro to want to see you.
His loyalty is to her not you. I'm not surprised he has pulled away.

It sounds like you and rest of the family are pissed off that she isn't been forced to interact with you so that you can show her how much you dislike her.

I think this post sums it up for me. Really nasty OP.

This has really made me angry. Shocking behaviour by you, and doesn’t reflect well on your husband either. I would not be impressed if my husband tried to dictate that my family cut off my BIL in such a situation. Frankly, you sound like a narcissist - your every post is only about your own feelings, with zero regard for a family being torn apart.

If you had any self awareness or decency, you would stop centering yourself in things that have fuck all to do with you, and think about the feelings of the others involved. You and your husband have behaved deplorably.

My in-laws have long since treated me as a pariah, too. They've never had the courage or gumption to tell me what it is about me that so pisses them off. (I suspect it's that they simply can't take people who think, believe and behave differently from them). Instead, they for years contented themselves with cowardly, passive aggressive 'grand' gestures which allow for sufficient plausible deniability should these ever be challenged. Attempting to talk straight to DH's DM only resulted in a ramping up of the passive aggression.

You can do nothing with people like this. I've been NC with these people for some time now: they could turn up on my doorstep and apologise until the cows came home (although they won't) and I would still have no form of contact or communication with them ever again.

From what you describe above, OP, I think that ship has sailed for you too.