Page 11 | SIL keeping BIL away from family

AIB78 · 2023-12-27T05:55:32+00:00

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now. My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair. I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise. This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 10:08

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

Of course she won't come if you're ignoring her!

If you were close have you ever had a discussion as to why she had an affair? There could be many reasons

And if her husband forgave her it's not up to anyone else to 'punish' her for it

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 10:09

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

You do know she didn't cheat on you?

None of this is now your business

CJsGoldfish · 27/12/2023 10:09

I'm not sure why you thought it might be confusing OP. It's as clear as can be.

YOU are the problem here. It's not even your brother right? It's your DH's brother and SIL?
Clearly the family put up with you and your nastiness. Time you got over your own issues and did the same. You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors but you are determined to make this all about YOU 🙄

The fact that you are not listening to a word that is being said to you seems to indicate that you are the problem but will never be able to admit that. People like you never do 🤷‍♀️

Shinealight9 · 27/12/2023 10:10

ElevenSeven · 27/12/2023 05:58

Did you think when you all cut her out, that he would just leave her at home and see you independently?

That doesn’t really happen. That’s why most of us put up with one or more in-laws we don’t really like; to keep the relationship with the relative we do like.

First reply & agree with it so I'll just say this. I have an in-law who had an afair. They split up & everyone was justifiably angry at the family upset. They eventually got back together & have been happy for years. My families attitude now is they are happy so who are we to judge & the person is welcome.

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 10:10

What did you think would happen by ignoring her at family events?! She's going to, not want to come. Her husband is going to want to spend Christmas with his wife. You shouldn't have gotten involved, and taken sides. There is no "side". She cheated, he forgave her and they're together. It was their business, noone elses. You could start by talking to her and including her more at any future events, she's at. That would be a start to repairing your relationship. Then maybe she'd come to them all.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How revolting

There are many reasons for affairs. Most of them wrong but none of us know the people involved so we shouldn't judge

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 10:11

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 10:05

Yes well, that's when men have them. Cheating women are somewhat different.

Nonetheless, it is really clear that you are unlikely to see much of one half of a couple if you ostracise the other half. And after 7 years I'd be amazed if this woman was prepared to be "welcomed" back into the family.

Show quote history

Actually I don’t think it’s a man/woman thing here.

It’s that the affair happened in someone else’s relationship. So it is not the OP’s business to be sitting in judgement and ostracising the guilty party for 7 years.

I suspect that the children - who love their mother - are going to get older and decide they want little to do with the extended family who has treated her so poorly. They will probably see their dad as a victim
of a dysfunctional family dynamic where he’s been unable to stand up to his toxic parents and their unacceptable treatment of their mother.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 27/12/2023 10:13

It's very doubtful that your SIL will want to have anything to do with any of you after 7 years of judgment. Irrespective of your readiness to initiate communication or not. I think the damage is done.

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 10:13

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 10:05

Yes well, that's when men have them. Cheating women are somewhat different.

Nonetheless, it is really clear that you are unlikely to see much of one half of a couple if you ostracise the other half. And after 7 years I'd be amazed if this woman was prepared to be "welcomed" back into the family.

Show quote history

Cheating women are somewhat different.

You must be joking. OW are way worse than cheating men on here. Nobody gets as much venom as they do, even when they're not married.

But there's almost 100% consensus here, despite MN hating affairs more than pretty much anything else. That says something.

CaineRaine · 27/12/2023 10:13

Oh dear OP, you’re going to have to decide what’s more important to you - having your BIL as an active part of your life or holding on to your resentment at your SIL’s actions. Because you can’t have both and I don’t blame your BIL for ensuring his partner isn’t exposed to you when he has clearly moved on from what happened.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/12/2023 10:14

So years ago your BIL’s wife had an affair and he turned to his family (probably more so his brother than his brother’s wife tbh) for support while he sorted his head out. You, looking at this, then thought ‘you know what this situation needs? More ME’, and promptly made it about yourself.

I’m not sure you can make amends tbh. You hijacked someone else’s relationship turmoil, and have continued your crusade for years. I wouldn’t be interested in rekindling a relationship with someone like that in either of their shoes.

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 27/12/2023 10:14

BillionaireTea · 27/12/2023 08:34

You have no fucking idea about their affair. For all you know, your BIL has erectile dysfunction that he refuses to acknowledge or treat, or is a snippy microaggressive twat to her when they are alone. Or maybe he has a porn habit, or one of them has a kink they can't encompass. Or he had an affair first or saw a sex worker. You have NO IDEA.

There are so many ways and reasons people have affairs and 100 ways they move past them, using them to build better understanding of themselves, their emotions and sex lives, and create more honest relationships.
.
You know who doesn't succeed in that? Unskilful, limited idiots like you who judge things they have no hope of understanding and when it isn't their business to have a view anyway.

I'm sorry your xDH cheated and hurt you and I definitely think therapy works.

This. Every word of it.

In this scenario, I am the betrayed spouse, and my family are refusing to accept my decision to reconcile my marriage. I have recently been to a big family event without my spouse because they wouldn't invite him because they aren't ready. I will cut my family off before I do that again. I will put my marriage ahead of my family every time in future. His affair was incredibly painful to me, but I am not innocent in the creation of the build up to it. I need my family to support my decision to stay with my husband and help us, not to make it about them and their pain. If they cannot do that, I would rather not see them, as that just adds to my pain.

Feraldogmum · 27/12/2023 10:15

Are you seriously for real, you invite her to your house to deliberately ignore her! Grow up ,frankly you're petty,poisonous and they're both well shot of you.

AnImaginaryCat · 27/12/2023 10:15

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

You might need to talk us through this. She used to regularly having your children over for hours and for sleepovers with her children. However apparently "This hasn't happened much in the last year though."

Last year?

So for six years she had lots of time for your children whilst you were not speaking to her?

Also quick question (though I suspect the OP has abandoned this thread) do you believe that men don't have an opinion? I mean:

Is it not possible your BIL has chosen to "keep away" from the family because you are ignoring his wife?
Did your husband have any say in your decision not to try to patch things up five years ago because of the not serious thing that happened?

Whether it is right or wrong that your BIL decided to stay with his wife after she had an affair isn't your choice. You don't have to agree with with BILs decision to stay with her, but this family rift is your choice and totally your doing.

aqenek · 27/12/2023 10:16

I wouldn't be visiting you either.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 10:18

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Good grief. Talk about making it all about you.

Your BIL was the one who was hurt by her. And all you and the family have done is make it even worse for him.
You're being selfish beyond belief.

Grimpo · 27/12/2023 10:19

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:46

It's not a reverse. We have seen PIL everyday since Christmas Eve and I think they are hurt that this is the first Christmas their son didn't visit on Christmas night with the kids. There has been a lot of damage done over the last few years and I honestly wouldn't know how to start to repair it or how open SIL would be. She has never reached out since it all happened. We don't have her phone number and she's not on any social media. She doesn't visit PIL so no chance of bumping into her. I also don't know if I want to open up a can of worms. Other SIL and BIL are not bothered about a relationship with her. They would chat if they met her out and about but no other contact. Probably about two years since they spoke but haven't fallen out if that makes sense.

You're the one who cut her off, so you're the one who is going to have to make overtures if you want to repair this. You need to be prepared to have a genuine conversation with her when you explain briefly that you would genuinely like to put the past behind you and start again, and suggest a get-together somewhere neutral so you can rebuild the relationship. It may be that it's best for your husband to start the ball rolling.

lap90 · 27/12/2023 10:21

I'm sure shame plays a big part in it with you all knowing her dirty laundry, which is something she will have to deal with herself whether you talk to her or not.

happyandhopefull · 27/12/2023 10:21

Do you spend anytime with your side of the family at Christmas?

Grimpo · 27/12/2023 10:23

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

You're not ready after seven years, even though her husband forgave her and she's been looking after your children during that period? And presumably it's considerably longer since your ex-husband's affair?

I really cannot understand how and why you've held on for this for so long when the person most directly concerned has been able to move on. You may need counselling yourself.

ttcat37 · 27/12/2023 10:29

7 years after he forgave her for the affair, here you are still holding a grudge. Get a grip. It’s not your relationship. Your BIL doesn’t want your loyalty. You need to have a sit down with both of them if you really want to clear the air. But it sounds like you don’t. To be clear, this is your doing, not anybody else’s.

Mumof2NDers · 27/12/2023 10:33

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 27/12/2023 10:14

This. Every word of it.

In this scenario, I am the betrayed spouse, and my family are refusing to accept my decision to reconcile my marriage. I have recently been to a big family event without my spouse because they wouldn't invite him because they aren't ready. I will cut my family off before I do that again. I will put my marriage ahead of my family every time in future. His affair was incredibly painful to me, but I am not innocent in the creation of the build up to it. I need my family to support my decision to stay with my husband and help us, not to make it about them and their pain. If they cannot do that, I would rather not see them, as that just adds to my pain.

Show quote history

Many years ago (right at the start of our marriage) DH had a one night fling. Obviously I was devastated but I had to look at my behaviour and consider all the reasons why it might have happened. I was very honest with myself, some of the blame lay at my door. I’m so glad I kept it to myself. We worked through it and now have 2 DS’s and have been married 25 years. I can see it would have been much harder to work through if my family knew.

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 10:33

lap90 · 27/12/2023 10:21

I'm sure shame plays a big part in it with you all knowing her dirty laundry, which is something she will have to deal with herself whether you talk to her or not.

I would imagine it has far more to do with not going to the homes of people who openly despise her than any kind of residual shame 7 years on.

But people like this OP will want to believe its shame (so a SIL problem) rather than their behaviour and attitude (very much a them problem).

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 27/12/2023 10:36

Stop sticking your nose into other people’s business. Maybe the families behaviour is just intolerable. She didn’t cheat on any of you, just BIL. Stop making this about you.

Wristfolds · 27/12/2023 10:36

Wow! My ExH had an affair, he’s still with her now 6 years out. I was on mat leave at the time so not best pleased.

He wanted to bring her to social events with our shared friends so I quietly withdrew from that group! I was indeed hurt some friends were apparently going to befriend her to maintain a relationship with him but evidently that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I’m still in touch with individuals in the group and just meet them separately but not as a group- I’m not going to blow up the entire group because of my own personal sorrow… so I do think you are enormously over reacting and should maybe talk to someone?

Like you I’ve remarried and have more children with my now husband. I can chat to the former OW at shared events for my eldest without feeling ‘not ready’. It’s sad you’re still holding onto so much pain- you really don’t need to.