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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
SuzanneDavis · 27/12/2023 11:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GustyFinknottle · 27/12/2023 11:16

The idea of my SIL gossiping about me to my PIL and deciding with them whether or not to freeze me out of the family turns my blood to ice.

What kind of family are you from, OP, that this would be considered even remotely acceptable? Not in mine. In my family we may have opinions on what little we know about each others' lives but we don't share them or gang up on them. Your hypocrisy in blaming your SIL for alienating your BIL is breathtaking. He has forgiven her and you should have carried on as normal because what goes on in their marriage is nothing to do with you. You have no idea whether he's also had affairs but just not been found out.

I imagine it's too late now. You'll have to work on her forgiving you if you want contact. In her shoes I'd be relieved not to have to to engage with such a punitive, judgmental group of people.

grumpycow1 · 27/12/2023 11:20

Hmm I don’t think the OP will be back now as she realises 98% of voters think she is absolutely batshit…

Movinghouseatlast · 27/12/2023 11:21

So you were happy to have her in your house but ignore her while she was there? Christ.

It really is no wonder he has pushed you all away.

DeeLusional · 27/12/2023 11:22

"..........she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though."

So you also managed to destroy your child's relationship with her aunt uncle and cousins. Well done you, you must be so proud.

Birdcar · 27/12/2023 11:26

"I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now."

You need to speak to a therapist about his. You have unresolved feelings that have nothing to do with your SIL. You're projecting them on to her. She didn't do anything to you.

takealettermsjones · 27/12/2023 11:29

I apologise for the harshness but you sound a bit bonkers! I have no doubt that your ex husband's behaviour hurt you but that doesn't mean you get to be the injured party in everyone else's issues for the rest of your life. I don't even know what you "not being ready" to welcome SIL back is supposed to mean. You need to give yourself a firm talking to. I feel sorry for the kids who've been cut off from their cousins.

Scirocco · 27/12/2023 11:32

So, you and your in-laws decided to exclude his wife and now you're surprised and angry that he's not as involved in the wider family?

I would have thought that was a pretty obvious consequence of your collective actions.

RedToothBrush · 27/12/2023 11:35

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

So your BIL has been direct and said that your behaviour is the problem because you don't like SIL and thought you'd make her feel uncomfortable.

And your OP is you don't like SIL and it's all her fault.

Your BIL is right. The problem here is you dislike the SIL and you show it and you aren't even prepared to admit that.

You clearly have not changed your attitude and frankly they'd be on a hiding to nothing if meeting up with you in that context.

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 11:42

This is an insane story. Your husband and his parents have alienated their brother/son in the aftermath of his wife's affair - when he needed their support the most - because they felt entitled to insert themselves into the middle of his marriage and try and force him to make decisions that they approved of.

You have a raging case of main character syndrome. This has literally got nothing to do with you, but you've cast yourself in a starring role. Making it all about your past and pontificating over whether you're "ready" to see this woman who owes you absolutely nothing and does not require your forgiveness or approval. Actually laughed out loud at the part where you criticised her for no longer entertaining your DC in her home while you ignored and ostracised her.

You have involved yourself in a situation that wasn't your business and have played your role in destroying this family. The ego on you is unreal.

I reported this thread because I couldn't believe that someone could possibly be so self-absorbed and entitled in real life. But the thread's still up so I guess people like this do exist!

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 11:55

I think it’s really important to reach out to SIL and build bridges.

Remember she didn’t cheat on you and if BIL thinks it’s ok and forgivable, then you should respect and accept that.

There are possibly things in your relationship that he wouldn’t put up with.
We all have our own bar.

But if SIL is controlling or abusive then you are working into her hands.

You all need to keep the relationship open, so BIL knows he has your support if he ever needs it.
Do not do anything that could alienate him.

SemperIdem · 27/12/2023 11:57

You cannot be serious. Please get a grip on your raging narcissism, it’s not, and has never been, about you.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 27/12/2023 12:11

For anyone wondering how long this can go on for…In my family, there are people who've been ostracised for 30 yrs+ (nobody can really say why). In previous generations, there have been couples who didn't exchange a direct word for 50 years (they communicated through their young children, even at the dinner table, "Tell your mother/father" - even as the children sat through this with tears tripping down their faces).

There are younger splits but the factor they have in common is people holding a grudge, across generations without actually knowing why but determined that it has to be maintained for consistency or it's all been a bit absurd.

I wonder how many generations the OP would like this to continue for? Is it to be a stipulation left in a will?

LuluBlakey1 · 27/12/2023 12:14

The affair was none of your business. You made it your business, appointed yourself a 'wounded party' set yourself up as judge and jury and have caused this rift. You've put BIL in an impossible situation and, unless you genuinely are sorry and want to build a relationship with her and she is prepared to forgive and forget, it probably isn't fixable.

Your BIL forgave her- that is what should have mattered.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 27/12/2023 12:21

Think on…If you don’t change your rigid ways of thinking, you’re going to end up as the MIL from Hell when your kids grow up and you’ll lose them too.

No-one wants a judgmental overbearing mammy in the family.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 12:23

I really want to know if OP's husband feels as strongly as OP does or if she's pressured him into losing contact with his brother

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2023 12:24

"BIL is choosing to do this."

And yet, for your title, you chose "SIL keeping BIL away from family". She's clearly not, is she? What is keeping BIL away from his family is - his family's behaviour. YOUR behaviour. You seem to have taken it as a personal insult that she had an affair. Yes, your ex cheated on you. What has that to do with her? She didn't cheat on YOU. But you have behaved as if she did. You punished her for your ex's cheating.

Her husband forgave her. Her past affair is strictly between her and her husband - you need to butt out. Well, actually, you needed to butt out seven years ago. The damage to the relationship between BIL and his family is down to you, and any others who CHOSE to ostracise her. Did you somehow expect her to come crawling to you for forgiveness? If so, you have an inflated idea of your importance to her, and to him.

I doubt the damage can be repaired after all this time. That is the natural consequences of the actions of you, your husband, his brothers and wives, your PIL. You pushed him away, and with both hands. Live with what you've done, and stop blaming SIL for "keeping BIL away" when what's keeping him away is yourselves and your shoddy behaviour.

TheMamaYo · 27/12/2023 12:24

if I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now

You’re not ready?? It’s got fuck all to do with you! She isn’t married to you! She owes you nothing. Your problem with your ex husband is yours, no one else’s. Why does she (and the rest of this family) need to pay for your hang ups?

Perhaps time for you to grow the hell up and get over yourself.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 12:24

@WhereYouLeftIt You have summed it up well.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 12:26

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Bet they're not ready either - and may never be

Gnomegnomegnome · 27/12/2023 12:27

By making this about you, you have alienated your BIL when he needed you the most.

She might be the one that had an affair but the rest of you have caused the situation to escalate to where it is now.

It isn’t up to the rest of the family to decide whether to forgive her. It’s up to BIL and he has.

MerryBlueberry · 27/12/2023 12:32

This is fucking bonkers. Her DH took her back and you as a family decided to cut her off? And you expected your DH to choose your family over his wife?
Of course he isn’t going to bring her when you won’t fucking speak to her.

i thought this was about me when I started reading it 😂 My MIL will tell everyone I’ve kept her son away, she won’t tell people the batshit stuff she’s done that he’s chosen not to see them

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 12:32

I wonder how your husband feels about you projecting your baggage from your first marriage onto his family relationships.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2023 12:34

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:46

It's not a reverse. We have seen PIL everyday since Christmas Eve and I think they are hurt that this is the first Christmas their son didn't visit on Christmas night with the kids. There has been a lot of damage done over the last few years and I honestly wouldn't know how to start to repair it or how open SIL would be. She has never reached out since it all happened. We don't have her phone number and she's not on any social media. She doesn't visit PIL so no chance of bumping into her. I also don't know if I want to open up a can of worms. Other SIL and BIL are not bothered about a relationship with her. They would chat if they met her out and about but no other contact. Probably about two years since they spoke but haven't fallen out if that makes sense.

YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES. FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM YOU.

You could send a letter. An apologetic letter acknowledging that the blame for the ostracisation rests with you and not her.

You could go round an apologise to her face.

You don't need her phone number. You need some humility, and to accept responsibility for your own actions.

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 12:35

I’m hoping the SIL is on MN

if you are reading this @AIB78‘s SIL: yes, you do have the in laws from hell. They are a total nightmare.

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