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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
CiaraLiara · 27/12/2023 10:37

You seem to play a very active part in an incredibly toxic and emmeshed family system. I am not surprised SIL doesn't want to be exposed to it any longer. If BIL and SIL made a decision to stay together, that's their business and their business only. You've been horrendously judgmental and stack your nose in someone else's marriage and decided to punish SIL over something you know nothing about, but expected everything else to stay the same?

Wristfolds · 27/12/2023 10:40

Yes the family does sound slightly suffocating from my p.o.v! If I was SIL and now had a green card to swerve most of it I’d possibly be thinking the affair was not such a bad move…!

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 27/12/2023 10:40

You did this. You decided that BIL was wrong to make a decision you disagreed with. You ostracised him when you decided to punish his wife for what happened to you.

Maybe you should stop going to family occasions and let them all get in with their lives without such a puritanical eye on them!

Alternatively, maybe decide you will make a concerted effort and will apologise to them both without any excuses. See what they say. But only if you can do so with an honest heart.

LakeTiticaca · 27/12/2023 10:41

Good God OP, how sanctimonious do you sound!!
I'm so glad I'm not a family member or friend of yours.
Not that I imagine you having many friends, judgemental busybody that you are 😉

Sapphire387 · 27/12/2023 10:43

I wouldn't believe this post if I didn't know my own in-laws are like this. DH and I no longer speak to a couple of them after persistent attempts to interfere in our private marital business (no, nobody had an affair just for the record, I mean decisions to do with the kids and stuff). My MIL has never met our baby - our decision.

OP, you are incredibly unreasonable and I doubt she'd want to restore a relationship with you now. You might as well just shut up and give up.

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2023 10:43

I do love a story like this wheee the family basically make someone else’s issue theirs and basically vanish a person yet get all shocked and butt hurt when their partner the one actually hurt takes the side of the person the family hates.

enjoy your chickens.

Thecatmaster · 27/12/2023 10:43

But this isn't about you. It's not your sil keeping your bil away. It's you pushing them both away and also contributing heavily to them seeing less of their own parents. So you are also causing the parents hurt. I don't blame sil for keeping away. She's probably massively ashamed and feels horribly judged. Your bil has made the decision to stay with her. That's his decision, not yours. If you have a problem with it, you should be the one to stay away from sil.

Wristfolds · 27/12/2023 10:46

Also you are bloody lucky hrs bringing the kids along. I wouldn’t be keen for mine to go to a house where the narrative was ‘your mum is shameful’ for my welfare and theirs

theleafandnotthetree · 27/12/2023 10:47

Jesus OP, this is ridiculous. I cheated on my ex husband, we actually separated and his family are STILL perfectly civil and pleasant to me whenever we meet. Because they are decent people who realise life is complicated, people are flawed and no one knows the internal dynamics of a marriage. As far as they are concerned, I am someone who has been in their lives a long time, have never been anything but nice to them and most importantly, am the mother of their much loved nieces and nephews. Equally, my ex-husband behaved pretty dreadfully around the time we separated (some of it understandable, some of it possibly not) but my family choose not to dwell on any of it. All of us have moved forward not as besties but as people who are inextricably connected to one another via our children and a shared history. There are choices to be made when these (very common) situations arise, you appear to have made pretty terrible ones and worse, seem to have appointed yourself some kind of arbitrar of how other people behave. If we're talking morality here, you have done some pretty awful things here and you have done them deliberately and repeatedly over years.

lizzielizard · 27/12/2023 10:48

LemonLight · 27/12/2023 06:24

SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her.

What a shock.

That made me proper laugh out loud.

OP, I feel so sorry for your SIL - what a terrible family to have married into. I wish them both a long and happy marriage.

Hadjab · 27/12/2023 10:48

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2023 08:23

This is all crazy. People don't understand that someone is upset at the huge betrayal, lies and pain that their relative has been put through by a cheater?

This marriage isn't going to last anyway, and she's going to cheat again, because cheating isn't 'a mistake', it is a repeated pattern of lying and betraying someone you say you love. As if anyone would treat someone they truly loved that way!

And let's say, for arguments' sake, that she really did love him - well then it is on HER to repair the situation, and that includes accepting the wrath fo his loved ones. She has to repair the relationship with his family too, not expect them to just suck it up. Where was her desperation to meet you and apologise?

This is why her relationship with other family members (who clearly did see her after the affair) failed. She doesn't give a shit about her marriage or she'd accept responsibility for the broken relationships with her partner's family and make the effort. but no, she can't be arsed with that.

OP, I totally agree I wouldn't be being friendly to this cowardly cheater either, and if BIL can't deal with the consequences of his decision to the extent of maintaining relationships with people who genuinely have his best interests at heart, then the only thing you can do is make it clear that when the relationhsip breaks down, you'll be there for him.

It will break down, because unlike the OP, this woman really does sound horrible.

Utter bollocks!

Appleass · 27/12/2023 10:49

This is all your fault - her husband forgave her and you didn't, even tho you weren't the victim.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/12/2023 10:49

I have never heard such self indulgent claptrap! HER affair was a betrayal to YOU??!! She made no promises to you, she didn't choose you as her partner. You do NOT get to be betrayed!

If BIL chose to forgive her, then the rest of you should have followed suit. She's not married to you lot.

DixonD · 27/12/2023 10:51

This is definitely all your own fault

Bellyblueboy · 27/12/2023 10:53

Why does her cheating on her husband impact you?

you sound pious and judgemental.

it’s none of your business.

this couple has worked through a private matter and you are acting like she cheated in you not him.

it is great to finally see a husband siding with his wife over a batshit crazy family. Good for him!

StrawberryWater · 27/12/2023 10:54

Get out of their marriage. It’s got nothing to do with you.

Take your feelings to a therapist and stop taking them out on your Sil.

Jl2014 · 27/12/2023 10:57

The issue is caused by you and your side of the family. Their relationship is nothing to do with you. They have decided to move on from an affair and you have decided to punish her and continually drag up the past. This is untenable- no wonder they won’t see you. There is some very odd sort of smug, self indulgent wallowing that you seem to be partaking in which I don’t think is healthy. Perhaps you need to try counselling for your own feelings and selfishness. Who made you judge and jury?

Jk8 · 27/12/2023 11:00

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:28

We were all quite close as have children the same age and we all live within five minutes of each other. There were no issues between brothers and their wife's. We regularly socialised together in each others homes, texted regularly and would meet up in PILs House. I think that's why her affair hit us all so hard. There was a betrayal there. My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now..

Show quote history

Unless your ex was plotting to kill you off as he'd met somebody new & had already cut the gas pipes I can safely assume it didn't 'almost kill me'
.... but im also assuming that nobody supported you particularly on his side of the family hence being the one to lead the crusade against his wife (if you get what I mean & eith his other siblings willing to be civil)

In the nicest possible way. You need to remove yourself (& your husband & your unresolved memories of your original married life) & assume the best about somebody you already knew & liked (& has since had a discussion with her own spouse to sort things out) & move on or this family & your current husband just isn't for you emotional/traumer wise ❤️

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/12/2023 11:00

It’s fuck all to do with you. You’re making a situation all about you which is incredibly self indulgent. They’ve moved on. I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 27/12/2023 11:01

YABU you and the rest of the family have caused this. He forgave her but you have continued to punish her and judge him. I wouldn't want to be around any of you either. You've taken a decision he's made about his own personal life and used it against him. Its really no one else's business, I've no idea why you're all so involved in it. Saying it has been a trigger for you is bs as well, if you are so easily triggered because you were cheated on in the past, I'd suggest it's you who needs help

luckylavender · 27/12/2023 11:04

She made a mistake, her DH forgave her. This is all on you and the rest of the family.

Catdoorman · 27/12/2023 11:08

I think you are still in love with your ex, and you are projecting the unresolved pain you feel from his rejection of you, in a proxy way onto your bil and his wife, by punishing them both. It hasn't made you feel any better has it. Maybe be honest with yourself, get some counselling, and stop destroying the wider family. You are unwittingly destroying a family. It's cruel and unusual.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/12/2023 11:09

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 27/12/2023 11:01

YABU you and the rest of the family have caused this. He forgave her but you have continued to punish her and judge him. I wouldn't want to be around any of you either. You've taken a decision he's made about his own personal life and used it against him. Its really no one else's business, I've no idea why you're all so involved in it. Saying it has been a trigger for you is bs as well, if you are so easily triggered because you were cheated on in the past, I'd suggest it's you who needs help

Yes, this being triggered thing is BS. Lots of people, maybe even most people have been cheated on, doesn't give anyone the right to go around like some kind of crazed avenging angel and causing arguably far more damage than the initial 'crime'. The OP was cheated on a very long time ago if the timeline here is anything to go by, if it is still affecting her decision-making to this extent then she needs therapy. She truly is the one with the problem at this stage.

moonbeammagic · 27/12/2023 11:10

You have made your BIL choose and he has chosen his wife. It really isn't that difficult, I am surprised that you and your family are finding it so hard to understand. He has chosen to forgive her - remember apart from her affair, you know nothing about their marriage but you have chosen to judge. It sounds like you and rest of the family are pissed off that she isn't been forced to interact with you so that you can show her how much you dislike her. Instead they both stay away. Good for them.

Birdcar · 27/12/2023 11:11

"Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt"

It's not about you and your feelings. It's about him. None of you supported him in his decision to stay with her. That's what's keeping him away from his family. It's not her, it's you.