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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

144 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:29

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 26/12/2023 23:32

Well I'm guessing you accepted all these invitations so you have no right to feel aggrieved. We refused all the very kind invites and have been home from 19 Dec to 8th Jan and it is lovely. Try saying no?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:34

I see your point, but u couldn't exactly leave my old dad alone for Christmas, and I have to maintain a relationship with my in-laws for DD's sake.

OP posts:
Cheesewiz · 26/12/2023 23:34

If it was me, I would say dd or you has come down with a horrible cold/cough/ vomiting bug and trip to ex in laws will need to be postponed and chill for a few days instead 🤷‍♀️

QueenOfHiraeth · 26/12/2023 23:35

I don't think you ABU to feel aggrieved at all, that all sounds exhausting
You may feel obligated to visit people but it sounds like you need to ringfence some time to relax as well

MrsMiagi · 26/12/2023 23:37

This is your choice though. Just say no

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/12/2023 23:37

Why couldn’t either your dad or your ILs come to you?

ilovesooty · 26/12/2023 23:37

Cheesewiz · 26/12/2023 23:34

If it was me, I would say dd or you has come down with a horrible cold/cough/ vomiting bug and trip to ex in laws will need to be postponed and chill for a few days instead 🤷‍♀️

Lying is only going to work the first time - it doesn't address the issue.

sunlovingcriminal · 26/12/2023 23:37

I think you have a right to feel aggrieved in that you are doing all of the looking after, with little in return in terms of being spoilt or looked after yourself. However, I really think you should be limiting the amount you're taking on and put yourself first next year.

You're doing a good thing maintaining a relationship with your ex in-laws, but maybe they could come and see you next year and stay somewhere nearby to avoid you taking on even more work?

Noseyneeps · 26/12/2023 23:39

You need to prioritize yourself or you will end up ill. You’re at that stage of life where pressure is coming from everywhere. I feel it too and I’m lucky enough to have a husband to share the load

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:39

Coming to us wouldn't really help in terms of my dad, because he would be just the same but worse if not in his own house! And unfortunately my in-laws are all.too old or too disabled or have tiny children and can't come to me either :(

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/12/2023 23:40

I would absolutely cancel the inlaws

Your DD is 4, she won't remember.
If they are aggrieved that you cancel then they're not worth the trouble. Anyway it's your ex's responsibility to keep his family involved.

You are a single parent, you have to take care of yourself!

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:41

Cancelling is so tempting, but I just don't think I can do it to them - we only see each other twice a year and DD'S grandma is 91, every time is precious

OP posts:
Accidentallyonporpoise · 26/12/2023 23:42

It sounds like you've taken on too much, are giving more than you're receiving and need some rest and down time. 4 year olds are hard work, being a FT teacher is a relentless full on job (one of the perks being at least you get holidays to recover, but not if you step into the role of care provider for everyone else during those times). Of course it isn't their fault for being elderly or disabled, but its also not yours. It's ok to admit that it's a lot for you to be doing and that you need to set some boundaries in to prevent you getting to a place of exhaustion and potential burnout. Who is looking after you? When do you get to do what you want? You need to find a way to find a better balance for future holidays, or you'll just end up resentful and miserable.

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 26/12/2023 23:43

Of course we want to look out for people we care about but that shouldn't happen at the expense of our own wellbeing.

So yes, visit your dad but for a shorter period of time, some ready meals/takeaway, and bloody tell him no of there's something you don't want to do.

As for the ex-laws, I'd honestly just cancel. And I wouldn't lie. I'd tell them that I'd been looking forward to seeing them but I'd overdone it and needed to be home doing nothing for a few days. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can see them another time.

And I'd go home and rest. Your child can watch movies, play etc and you can order a takeaway/eat cheese toasties or whatever it takes for you to unwind.

NaughtybutNice77 · 26/12/2023 23:44

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:34

I see your point, but u couldn't exactly leave my old dad alone for Christmas, and I have to maintain a relationship with my in-laws for DD's sake.

Yes, you could leave your dad alone. Invite him over for Xmas day. It's not your responsibility to entertain him. Likewise the ILs. Could you alternate, so for example invite them to yours for the day. As for the other relative, presumably you invited them. You've over committed yourself and that's down to you.

Accidentallyonporpoise · 26/12/2023 23:44

As regards this trip, could you make it a shorter trip? Are there ways to make things easier like eating ready prepared food or takeaways instead of cooking?

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2023 23:47

I absolutely see the issue with your dad and appreciate that is what it is - at 85, it’s too much to expect him to change.

However, the hosting you did pre-Christmas you should have not offered, and your SIL and ex-ILs you should have arranged to see at Feb half term or Easter or some other less exhausting time of year. You can keep up relationships without martyring yourself during a very stressful 2-week period- there are other occasions through the year that are better, so make new traditions and don’t be afraid to say why - you’re an exhausted teacher who’s a single parent and an only child to an elderly father, you’ve realised you’re spread too thin and you need to make sure you can rest. Anyone who moans doesn’t have your or your DC’s best interests at heart. True friends and family will get it.

Resolve that next year you’ll do it differently.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:47

Those people saying I have overcommitted myself, you're quite right. I don't think I can fix it this holidays though, not without upsetting people. I guess I could take this as an opportunity to plan better for next year!

OP posts:
MrsRusselBrand · 26/12/2023 23:48

You sound very much like me!! Am a single parent and work full time and I end up spending my time sorting out others and then go back to work more stressed than when I left. I have my DM staying with me who is disabled - she goes home New Year's Eve but has been here for a month. Have ex in laws who don't drive and live separately, one with the start of dementia and the other recovering from cancer so both quite poorly and my DD is the only grandchild so I feel obligated to help them, invite to Xmas dinner, get special presents . I do love helping but I have very recently started to learn to say no to things and carve out some time for myself- i haven't been too well myself recently and that's made me realise that if I'm not well then a lot of people would suffer - so taking time for myself is really imperative. I strongly suggest you do that OP !! Smile

dreamingbohemian · 26/12/2023 23:48

So go for 2 days to say hi to everyone, then come home

You are the most important person in your daughters life, not the inlaws. Don't put them ahead of you

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 26/12/2023 23:53

You can 💯 cancel. The only thing stopping you is you.

One day, when you're older, you'll look back and see how absurd all of this was.

Abitofalark · 26/12/2023 23:53

You shouldn't have had family to stay right away on top of you the very day you finished work for the holidays. That left no time for you to catch your breath, unwind and rest. You can postpone going to the in laws until half term or Easter, so you have a bit of time to yourself now. You need that. It's not that long till mid February anyway. They'll manage till then.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 23:54

YABU, not because you don't have a right to be tired. It sounds exhausting, but presumably because you agreed to all this.

You are a grown up. Why didn't you limit visiting to 2 days with each, giving you and your dd a whole week just to yourselves?

I think you need to learn to say no. Start with Easter now. Decide what YOU want to do, make your plans and politely decline anything else.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/12/2023 23:56

You’ve overcommitted. You can still see these people but for shorter periods.

Accidentallyonporpoise · 26/12/2023 23:58

That sounds very sensible to use it is an opportunity to make changes for the future. It's difficult to know our own limits sometimes, and what in theory seems doable can seem like a lot of hard work when we actually come to it.

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