Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

[BarbaraVineFan]

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

In future arrange to see just one part of the family for a couple of days. Do the same at Easter and in August. Much less stress. As a teacher, your job is stressful and the forthcoming term busy. Honestly you must look after yourself. Also, could some relatives visit you and stay in a hotel just once a year? You are a greT daughter so stick with seeing your dad and see everyone else at other times in the year.

Cut the time in half and spend the rest bonding with your daughter. Three days with dad, three days with in-laws, done!

Ffs you’ve had to cook a few meals for your old dad; he’s a bit repetitive he's old they get like that god I’d live with my dad asking me every 20seconds but I don’t have that option he died at 47 so count yourself fortunate that the poor chap enjoys Christmas with you guys looking after him; stop bellyaching poor little me & be grateful for your health & a lovely father & daughter to dote on there are millions who'd swap shoes with you even on the shittiest of days!!

@BarbaraVineFan is overstretched and should have limited visits a bit (and still could) but this, @Fizzadora , I find very sad I have never had relatives or friends to stay, nor have I ever gone to stay with any relatives or friends. Visits only and maximum 2 hours no matter how far. IMO anything more is an imposition.
Never stayed with friends or family? Never had them stay with you? Never allowed anyone to hang around more than 2 hours? Have I missed a joke? Because this seems really, really odd (and, as I say, sad) if I haven’t.

Oh ffs @hellhavenofury35 bore off. Nobody is complaining about holiday length.
And @peakygold loads of jobs allow you to be off work at Christmas. Most, I’d say. If you don’t, and you would like to, I’m sure you could get one instead of being unpleasant to someone who is struggling a bit.

Have you failed to read all the other bits of the post? The hosting visitors and travelling hours to see ex in laws?

At your dads, can you get ready meals or takeaways for some the food? (I know that's shite and an 85 year old won't be impressed, but needs must).

At in laws, could you afford to stay in a budget hotel? Say you don't want to put upon disabled SIL?

I realise these options cost, and if you don't drive a hotel may not be near enough, but just a few thoughts? It all sounds exhausting the way you are doing it at present...

Spend max 2 nights at your father’s going forward- 24th and 25th. Say you are doing Christmas meal but he and DD are on breakfast duty -croissants and fruit - while you have a lie in. Nap when he naps. Leave on the 26th via a lunch out with him - doesn’t have to be expensive. No visitors staying before Christmas. Anyone visiting for the day contributes to the meal. “We’d love to see you for lunch. Could you bring cheeses and nice bread and I’ll do salads and pudding”. Do in-laws in the summer when you have a longer holiday and DD needs occupying. FaceTime DD unwrapping their parcels at Christmas and FaceTime them on New Year’s Day. Do not spend three hours on public transport in this weather. You will get stranded. Lower your standards and let people know you are exhausted and need a break. Good luck. Look after yourself.

Teaching is so relentless and brutal. I couldn't even look at doing what Ur doing.. You have to be hard and just say no to everything except Ur dad. Occasional visits. Don't move in wihmtb him. Can Ur daughter go to friends house for play dates and give u some peace and quiet?
I had to go part time because my health cudnt do family and teaching. It's just too much.

@BarbaraVineFan I think you sound like a lovely person to be so concerned about your older relatives but in your position I don’t think I’d go back to your DDads for NYE. You have had a busy holiday looking after DC and others and you need to refill the pot now and spend a few days prioritising what you need to do for you.
Put yourself and your daughter first and have a few days at home doing what you want to do. It is wonderful to be there for others but, trite as it is, you can’t pour from an empty jug and when you start resenting it it’s time to change things.

You see the Inlaws "JUST" twice a year for the sake of your daughter.

Your Father is 85 years old...was probably stressed and tired at times bringing you up...its Pay Back Time!
God knows how much longer you have with him! And at 85 years of age...still looking after himself daily without your support...I think you are very lucky! Yes I think you are being unreasonable!!

I would stay at my Dads and cancel in laws and then leave quite early on New Year’s Day. Seems like your ex MIL and SIL have company together so don’t fret about that. DS only ever saw his Grandparents twice a year each all of them divorced and lived all over the country, we did used to host MIL and FIL for Christmas though divorced, it was awful and we both had incredibly demanding jobs with long commutes in opposite directions.

I said YABU but only because you seem to be prioritising everyone over yourself. Cancel the EXinlaws, explain that you've worn yourself thin and it has made you ill and that you need to exercise some self care. Lock the doors, enjoy stress free days with your daughter.

Reading your message I thought two things - where is the fun time for you and where is the fun time for your daughter? You have no down time just for you built in here. It's very difficult to think of yourself with so many family responsibilities.

The only way to ensure it happens is to schedule it and stick to it as non-negotiable time for yourself. Block some dates just for you / your daughter now in your diary for 2024 so you don't over book even if you don't know at this point what you'd do with the dates - and do the same for the summer.

Hope you had some nice time over Christmas anyway.

You are very kind and caring to spend so much time and effort on your dad and sister in law. I understand that you want to help them but you have a lot of responsibilities aside from them, including a busy job and a child.

So far as your dad is concerned, does he understand how much pressure you are under? Would it be a good idea to tell him that you are very tired and need some time to relax too?

With your sister in law, I don't know how long you stay but could you, for future Christmases, make it one or two nights just to be sociable, or, alternatively, explain that Christmases are a very busy time for you but you will arrange to visit another time.

Ask them to come to you shrug

@maria57 I doubt her DFather was raising the @BarbaraVineFan by himself so actually very different and it doesn’t change things now in any case.

Could you rent a place to stay to see the ex in laws next time? Then you can go back to your space/ take you and dd out to dinner or get takeaway at yours so you don’t have to look after sil all the time? As for your dad, he doesn’t need a cooked breakfast. Hi dad, I’m wrecked and I need to make this a bit of a break for me too else I get no rest at all. I won’t be cooking any breakfast, dd & I will have cereal/toast/whatever like usual. Think of things to simplify.

Timetable the holiday.
50 % just days for me and Dd
50% are days for other relatives