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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

144 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:29

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

OP posts:
Thepissinglady · 27/12/2023 03:18

In usual contact arrangements each parent takes responsibility for maintaining contact for the child with their respective families. I know your ex is abroad but could he not come pick his daughter up and bring her back? Why does it have you be you?

Thepissinglady · 27/12/2023 03:20

I say this also assuming the inlaws are abroad.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2023 04:03

Doggymummar · 26/12/2023 23:32

Well I'm guessing you accepted all these invitations so you have no right to feel aggrieved. We refused all the very kind invites and have been home from 19 Dec to 8th Jan and it is lovely. Try saying no?

How clueless are you!

"just say no" - if only the OP can do that all would be fine, except I think you missed the bit about her father being 85 years old. So you may want or be able to say no to an elderly parent, but clearly that isn't an option for the OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 04:06

Allfortheloveofabiscuit · 27/12/2023 01:50

Why does your dad expect you to sort everything out? Is he sexist and expects a woman to do it when theres one there, or do you automatically take over?

Either way, start asking him for suggestions for breakfast, or get in some pastries/cereal and tell him he can sort it himself as soon as he's ready to. If he wants eggs etc then he can be patient and wait, or cook it himself.
Walks can be done after a slow morning.

You need to just tell him that you're knackered and if he wants you to keep coming round then he needs to compromise. Im surprised you havent come down with the teacher holiday flu!

My fil is like this too but does nothing if I’m around. We used to arrive and go to the supermarket, then I’d cook etc whilst he and dh caught up. We don’t stay with him anymore as my health is too poor. I didn’t mind doing this pre baby but it’s too much with a child.

In your position, I would get your dad to pay for a Wiltshire farm foods delivery for the 3 of you/ get him to pay for takeaways etc. That way you don’t need to cook. Breakfast, always the same thing, which he can do himself. Tell him this.

As for your in laws, I would think shorter trips would be better. As your dd grows, the journeys will be more relaxing.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2023 04:09

@BarbaraVineFan I don't have a solution but just to say, you're a great DM and DD however I think with your ex-SIL, you are taking on a lot having to travel several hours on public transport. Does she have no other family members who can take responsibility or at least share the burden of her care, and can they make arrangements with social services for some visits or pay for daily care visits privately if money allows.

You're very kind to be doing all that but no wonder you're exhausted.

Drivingbuttercup · 27/12/2023 04:31

I would drop dd off with inlaws and book a hotel nearby and have some time to youself.

JMSA · 27/12/2023 04:35

You poor thing! I don't blame you for feeling tired and resentful.
Next time prioritise you and your child. And remember that your ex in-laws' relationship with your child isn't solely your responsibility. Nor is your dad's happiness at Christmas.
I mean, who is looking out for YOU?

Brainworm · 27/12/2023 04:48

OP, you need to show yourself the same level of kindness that you show to others. I think you also need to step back from placing yourself in a position of doing things for wider family members, especially as you don't seem to have any family members watching out for, or caring for, you.

You child and your Dad need to be your priorities as they are, or will be, your dependants. Whilst you may want to help others/ do things for others, this doesn't seem tenable if you are going to look after yourself too.

The 90 year old in law may not have much time left, but you could focus on how great it was that she got to meet and spend time with your child.

Perhaps, instead of seeing the ex in laws twice a year, perhaps you could go once and use the savings in travel to stay in a hotel, and make it a bit of a treat for you and your child.

It sounds as though you have a strong drive to be 'dutiful'. Perhaps explore with yourself as to whether you get something positive from this - and so whilst it's exhausting, you feel good about yourself for doing it. If so, you might decide it's worth it. Alternatively, you may find this behaviour is driven by guilt or a concern that others will feel let down by you if not. If this is the case, you might decide to pull back and work on changing the negative feelings that arise as a result

mumda · 27/12/2023 04:49

Weather warning today so don't travel.
Apologise and don't give it a second thought. Tell your dad you having an inset day at home but he's welcome to go out if he wants.
Rest and relax. You need you to have a rest.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/12/2023 05:43

Stop martyring yourself. It sound like this year was a one off with family staying so make sure next year you allow yourself down time. Stop doing all the cooking for your dad. Ask him what he normally has for breakfast. Or say it's cornflakes. Or go out for breakfast if he wants a cooked one. Order a take away or buy ready meals. Tell him you're tired. You had very aged relatives for having a four year old so remind them looking after young children is hard work.

RedHelenB · 27/12/2023 06:06

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:41

Cancelling is so tempting, but I just don't think I can do it to them - we only see each other twice a year and DD'S grandma is 91, every time is precious

Live and learn for next year.

Ragwort · 27/12/2023 06:15

Maybe it is too late for this year but be more assertive next time ... assume the cousin from Australia won't be visiting for another five years so that's out of the discussion.
I understand spending time with your elderly father, but try & keep it simple with easy food/ready made meals and try & do something nice with your DD when you are there to get out of the house.
And see your in-laws at a different time, Half Term or Easter. Can you ex do more to facilitate visiting his family?

Dutiful · 27/12/2023 06:47

Could you encourage dad to socialise with his own age group? If he's in a retirement village, surely they hold Christmas dinners.

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 06:55

You are unreasonable.
You have total control of you and your daughter's activities and of your menu. Plan within your capacity.

For example.. You could go to your father's house for fewer days and take two already prepared casseroles. You could have fewer guests before Christmas.
Plan to go out for fun or also rest when old Dad sleeps.
Cook and eat exactly what you please - but cater for one extra - at both places.
Take a taxi to a local Christmas Pageant or Santa Carols with DD.

Involving your daughter in planning the menu and cooking will keep her entertained. Eat many meals that she loves to cook and eat.
Have a jigsaw puzzle table set up that you all complete for days and set DD up with a crochet hook or Knitting Nancy or paints and paper and a couple of musical videos. Let her make decorations and decorate at will and watch cartoons on TV for predictable hours.

Go out on more walks and visit play grounds and tea shops while at your SIL's place. Your daughter doesn't need to spend every minute with her Aunt. Order in take away and eat at Pubs when you want.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2023 07:08

Have a jigsaw puzzle table set up that you all complete for days and set DD up with a crochet hook or Knitting Nancy or paints and paper and a couple of musical videos. Let her make decorations and decorate at will and watch cartoons on TV for predictable hours.

Im on my way, that sound fun!!!

oldestmumaintheworld · 27/12/2023 07:14

I voted unreasonable because you are doing this to yourself. Stop. Take time to decompress after breaking up from work don't invite people to stay. Have your Dad to stay with you for two days and get on with your day. And ask your ex in-laws to visit you. Make the holiday you want and take some rest.

Bbq1 · 27/12/2023 07:17

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:34

I see your point, but u couldn't exactly leave my old dad alone for Christmas, and I have to maintain a relationship with my in-laws for DD's sake.

I would say next year, just see your dad. Don't host at Xmas and see the relatives in the summer months. You could be honest to in laws. Explain the situation to them, say you're exhausted and not up to managing the journey alone with dd. Are they likely to be understanding? Could you rearrange to visit hslf term or Easter?

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/12/2023 07:24

You can still visit but why not just have a night or two in each place? Then stay home the rest of the time. There’s nothing wrong with telling people you love to see them but you have other plans too. Why not say to your dad, I’m having a relaxing day tomorrow, not sure when I’m getting up so just have breakfast without me. If he grumbles, tell him you work hard and need down time. Works for me-prioritise yourself a bit more!

Whataretheodds · 27/12/2023 07:31

What is your ex doing to facilitate his daughter's relationship with his family? Why can't he come back and facilitate the visit?

hellsBells246 · 27/12/2023 07:36

It's up to your ex to maintain his DD's relationship with his side of the family. How much of that does he do?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2023 07:41

Next year, if you struggle saying no, just give people dates you're available. I can come to you x til y. And make sure either side of that is a day or two of quiet. Or, "Hi ex-ILs, super busy this year with one thing and another, you're welcome to come to us for abc days but with everything going on I can't do the public transport this year too. If you can't make it, we can arrange something at half term".

Take control of the situation and give yourself a break. Everyone you end up looking after obviously manages when you aren't there, so don't be there as long.

Doingmybest12 · 27/12/2023 07:48

OP you sound lovely and like you are working hard to maintain family relationships , everyone is very lucky to have you especially ex in laws. But it's not all down to you to do this and others need to step up too. Because of the age of your dad and ex mother in law I think you'll feel you did everything you could in the future and that will sit well. But you need to look after yourself and be realistic in the future about what you and others can or should do. YaNBu I don't think to feel how you do .

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/12/2023 07:53

My dad is a bit like that, the older he's got the more important meals have become just because they're part of his routine. I think you need to cook clever, so make a casserole but enough for two days , pizza and salad, take away, soups for lunch and ask him what he has for breakfast at home.

2 nights only at your inlaws, you can say you have loads of school prep/ marking to do.

Put yourself first or you'll get ill.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 27/12/2023 07:53

It's not going to be for ever, your dd will become more self sufficient and unfortunately your elderly relatives won't have that many more Christmases. I would suggest you don't have the 3rd visitors next time

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 07:57

I have a rule that I never stay more than 2 nights with anyone and realistically I try to
limit it to 1.
2 nights at your dads. 2 nights at your inlaws still gives you plenty of time to relax at home in the holidays.
I would cut short the inlaws time to 1 or 2 days then go home and relax for the rest of the holidays

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