Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

[BarbaraVineFan]

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

I agree,2 nights is plenty staying with in laws.

I’m in a similar position to you as a teacher with two children with a exH who moved abroad and only sees them a few times a year. I’ve had this set up now for many years and have slowly learned that I can’t do it all and lowered my expectations of myself- because when they get older and need more of you- it’s their relationship with you that matters most and if you’re always run ragged and dashing about like a blue arsed fly - that’s what will suffer. They need a happy relaxed mum too . Upset people if you need to- you need to take care of yourself as if you were as an important Member of the family as DD… which you are of course but it’s hard to prioritise yourself when you’re the sole care giver. I tried so hard for years to maintain everything I maintained as a 2 parent family and
and eventually learned nope. I say this after just driving back 5 hours from visiting family 🤣 you’re doing well. Make it as easy as you can for yourself- what you’re doing is bloody hard 😅

Why did no you visit ex in laws at the Feb half term instead? Why everything at Christmas?
who stayed just before Christmas Day? Don’t invite them next tea and just go see your dad for the day.

You need to take control of this and timetable in some time for you. I would postpone the visit to the in-laws or cut it short.

Not sure whereabouts you are in the country but with the storm today, lots of public transport is disrupted. Our older son is coming down to us today and has no idea which trains are running or which station he will end up at. I honestly wouldn’t put yourself through the stress of three hours on public transport today if you absolutely don’t have to, it could easily turn into six.

Well you chose not to spend any of the break at home, and instead chose to spend it with other people. And people that you know will expect you to look after them.

Maybe too late to change for this.year but next year plan for downtime in your own home

So only go to your dad's for one night and then go home.etc

Can you let your dad know that you’re feeling exhausted and don’t want to cook constantly?

Maybe get struck down with an awful tummy bug so you can’t go to the in-laws? You’ll make yourself ill if you don’t relax a bit x

This is the mindset you have to get out of.

You can leave people alone. You don't have to maintain relationships that make you stressed. These people are adults and capable of doing the legwork of fending for themselves or maintaining relationships from their end.

Or, you can continue feeling an obligation to everyone in your life and continue to feel like this every year.

Stop saying yes to situations that you don’t want to be In. You are in charge of your life and actions, no one else.

tell Ex-in laws that the journey is too much for you however they are more than welcome to come to you for the day and visit.

don’t offer to have family to stay for long periods of time. Be honest and say work has been hard and stressful lately and you don’t think you can manage the mental load of hosting for so long and just need a break.

as for your dad, don’t stay for so long. Simple.

no one has a gun to your head making you do all of this.

No one is saying leave him alone for Christmas. But obviously you've been there longer than one or two nights, so you've been there much longer than Christmas day

As PP have said why on earth are you working so hard to maintain a relationship with your ex in laws.
Your ex partner has chosen to live abroad and from what you have said has zero parenting responsibility, I'd be angry at him and angry at his family for condoning this.
They may well be lovely but it's his and their responsibility to see your chat, you are also muddying the waters for the future when you or more likely your free and easy ex find themselves in a new relationship and you are surplus to requirements when he returns trying to play Disney dad and show off to her / your new partner is not wildly enthusiastic about your strange dynamic with absent ex's family.

Your Dad is more tricky and you might have to make that sacrifice in the knowledge it's not forever by if he's still with it his age doesn't mean he should be enabled to totally disregard your needs and feelings so next year set some boundaries.

Your dad sounds incredibly selfish. Don't make his age an excuse. Doesn't bode well for forthcoming years as he becomes older and frailer unless you set some boundaries. He's had many many fun and relaxing Christmases no doubt. Now it's your turn.
Why are you so worried about upsetting people? Your DD and own wants should be your priority.

Wow, thanks everyone for your replies! To answer a few points :

Yes, everyone is old in my family! My ex H is almost 20 years older and I also didn't have DD until l was 40.

Unfortunately I can't leave DD with the in laws at all - MIL is way too old and SIL too disabled.

I am only staying with ILs for two nights, but afterwards coming back to dad's for new year.

Well are t you a delight

Cancel new year at dads 100%. Just stay home and relax. New years is unimportant say you’re ill and cancel. Stop martyring yourself for everyone else

I voted that you were being unreasonable, but actually, only because this is my life, too. So we’re probably both unreasonable.
I work and have two small kids (under 5) and my mother is old and lives at the other end of the country (8-9 hours drive) and ditto FIL (but not the same place) so all holidays are spent travelling to them and taking on full domestic labour for the duration.
It sucks.

Don’t go back to your dads for new year. Utter bloody madness!

Claim illness and go home after ILS.

And don’t overcommit next year.

The issue is your own, you go and see people or invite folks and stay and stay. You don’t need to see everyone this long. It’s a choice you’re making, them complaining about.

Yes, cancel nye at your dads, then you’ll have time to destress before you go back.

Stop taking your dd to your ex in laws. Your ex needs to come back and take his dd to see his parents. There are teenage dads who take responsibility and are actively involved in their child's life. Your ex is in his 60s with a 4 year old. If he wants his family to be a part of your dd's life then he needs to take her to see them. Prioritise your family.

I sympathise re some of it but think you took on too much. Knowing that you were visiting your Dad over Christmas and your ex in laws, you shouldn’t have also invited family to stay at yours. Especially not on the day you broke up from work.

Less is more. Next time see fewer people over this one fortnight. I’m sure people will understand that your job is tiring and you need some downtime.

And don’t go back to your Dads for New Year. Explain to him that you have been on the go since you finished work and you need a few quiet days until term starts again to recharge your batteries.

I think it's worth remembering that this is the most extreme holiday where there is the most need to take care of yourself. The Sept to Dec terms are increasingly dark, long and hard. There are other holidays where it willl be easier with travel, time and workload to visit in-laws. Delay that visit until the spring when travel and workload is better, and get back home so that you have some recharging time. And I think worth remembering that it's crucial to schedule a 5 day rest period in this hols for future years - Christmas isn't the time to attempt to see both sets of people while your DD is demanding/young and work is full on. Recharging is, I think, priority. It's not you, the full visiting is too much.

I'd visit the in-laws in summer. It if 2 trips per year then maybe Easter & a November weekend short visit.

Rude much! She chose to do those things, my parents are the same age. I last saw them 4 years ago, we facetimed christmas day, they live 4 hours away by train and I choose to spend my leisure time differently. I said they are welcome to come here they chose not to, it's fine. Ohs family are 20 minutes away, we facetimed them too. He is going there Friday, I'm prefer to stay home. We all have choices.

It's also not your fault that you are single with a 4 Yr old dc. You can't do everything. Honestly, I'd just start feeling unwell and go home with dc right now. Chill out until you go back to work when you'll just be 'recovering'. Nobody probably expects these things but if you do it so easily nobody will appreciate your time. Cut the visits down to 1 during one day or even better see them pre holidays.