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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

144 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 26/12/2023 23:29

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

OP posts:

Midnightgrey · 27/12/2023 00:02

Knock your dad's ideas of "proper meals" firmly on the head. Order some takeaways. Put some salad and some decent ham on a plate and microwave some potatoes or do oven chips. Look up a few recipes for speedy cooking which usually either involve mushroom soup and/or apricots with chicken - not haute cuisine - but easy and quite tasty. Or serve soup and crusty rolls. Frozen pizza? If he doesnt like it, let him make something else for himself. You need to have a break. What does disabled SIL do for food when you're not around?

Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 00:05

If your SiL is so lovely I'm sure she will understand if you apologise for not doing much while you are staying with her. You don't want to make work for her but make meals as simple as possible, get takeaways etc. Your DD will have have had lots of excitement over Christmas as well and be getting spoilt by grandparents so let them help as much as they are willing/able. In future build in some rest days for yourself

LimePi · 27/12/2023 00:06

You need to cut back. This is crazy.

why you invited family to stay over before Xmas when you had all of that on? Don’t invite them next year, or for a day or two only.
go to your Dad’s for a shorter time
same with ex in laws, go there for a shorter time next year. Or let them visit you for day or two instead

its just too much!

olympicsrock · 27/12/2023 00:07

You need to get the balance right next year. Perhaps special chill time with a happy rested Mummy would benefit DD more than time with her paternal aunt.
not your responsibility to
maintain those relationships.

Beckafett · 27/12/2023 00:15

I totally hear you, I am absolutely shattered this year doing other people's things that are much less exhausting then yours and also feel like I don't have much choice. Back to work tomorrow (today) which is luckily wfh (my mums) and driving in my lunch break.
Your feelings are valid and I hope you find a rest at some point x

LocalHobo · 27/12/2023 00:15

I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD Firstly, tell Ex-DH to pay for a taxi since you are facilitating a relationship with his family which he is neglecting to do.
I think you made a mistake having guests staying at the beginning of the hols. Next year, stick to your Dad and a two day stay with the (ex) in-laws.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 27/12/2023 00:17

You're doing a crazy amount. As a full-time teacher, you won't be seeing as much of DD as you'd like, so the holidays are not just a time for you to relax, but for you to enjoy relaxing one-on-one time with DD.

Do not have people to stay, unless they're waiting on you hand and foot. You must be exhausted. Do not take DD abroad to visit her dad's family unless this is a relaxing holiday for you too. Book a grocery delivery for your dad, with quick and easy cook meals, when you visit.

You're doing a grand job to stay on top of all this work, care-giving and visiting, but you and DD both need a rest during the holidays.

Original poster

BarbaraVineFan · 27/12/2023 00:20

I agree about the people staying at the start of the holidays. Unfortunately it was my cousin from Australia, who was over in England for a visit and probably won't be over again for another 5 years at least, so I couldn't very well say no!

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2023 00:24

@BarbaraVineFan
You need a proper vacay. The next break you get, take one.
Your dad and SIL get along without you the majority of the time - right?
It’s okay to take time for yourself, it truly is.
Plan a few days for your daughter and you at the coast or anywhere really that you’d like to go. Then go.
And don’t feel guilty or bad or anything — you owe this to yourself. You really do.
Start planning now so you have something to look forward to.
And take deep breaths.

Fizzadora · 27/12/2023 00:25

Why do you have to stay so long with people? One or two nights at the most is more than enough. Not a lot you can do now about the relatives who came to stay the minute you broke up (who were they?) or your Dad but you can go to the ex rellies for one night then leave.
Don't use the excuse that it's too far and difficult on public transport to go for such a short time.
I have never had relatives or friends to stay, nor have I ever gone to stay with any relatives or friends. Visits only and maximum 2 hours no matter how far. IMO anything more is an imposition.
Next year don't allow this to happen.

Edited to remove ref to driving just noticed it's for medical reasons

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2023 00:26

Any job is usually full on, but as a teacher too, I just need time out and some silence so have luckily managed that this week. Could you have your dad for a couple of days next year then stay with someone else so you aren’t having to help your disabled sil? Who normally helps her or does she manage independently and you just do everything at hers? (Typical teacher, I tend to offer everything I have when out of my own home) Can you not have people staying next year?

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2023 00:34

You won't feel rested, because you simply haven't given yourself a chance to. Next year say no to anyone staying over with you. When staying with your dad, breakfast can be simple things like cereal and croissants one day and then a fry up the next. Lunch is yesterday's leftovers and dinner can be prepared whilst he naps in his bed. As for dd's other family , visit at Easter instead so you aren't rushed for time and can actually get a rest whilst on leave.

AGoingConcern · 27/12/2023 00:35

That all sounds absolutely exhausting and not my idea of a good holiday "break" at all.

You'll have to be the one to take charge of fixing this, though. Kindly but firmly decline to host guests, shorten visits with your father and ex-inlaws, and stop taking on all the cooking and work at peoples' houses. At the very least, tell your dad you're happy to cook but will be greatly simplifying meals and breakfasts/lunches will be things like cereal and sandwiches.

Stop letting your daughter see you run yourself ragged and never take responsibility for saying "my plate is too full." Setting boundaries is part of being a responsible adult.

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 00:36

Can you cut your stay with in-laws down a bit? I’d rather have my dad come to me as least then it’s my own home, as long as you’ve got a bed for him to sleep in, rest in during the time. Just me, but I’d find that easier cooking in my own kitchen / getting food delivered etc. Agree with over promising, keep 3-4 days clear at the end to take your decorations down etc

trippily · 27/12/2023 00:37

Presumably you planned it this way! Why? My 4 year old was exhausted by end of term, you must both be knackered. Learn to say no!

Silverbirch7 · 27/12/2023 00:39

Cheesewiz · 26/12/2023 23:34

If it was me, I would say dd or you has come down with a horrible cold/cough/ vomiting bug and trip to ex in laws will need to be postponed and chill for a few days instead 🤷‍♀️

Because defaulting to lies will help?
Ridiculous.🙄

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2023 00:45

I think you need to move your visit with ex-iLs to another time of year. You have enough to deal with with your dad and he should be your 'priority visit' because, well he's your dad.

Maybe visit your iLs at Easter or in the summer. That way you'll have a breather between visits with people who either expect or need your help during the visit.

Allfortheloveofabiscuit · 27/12/2023 01:50

Why does your dad expect you to sort everything out? Is he sexist and expects a woman to do it when theres one there, or do you automatically take over?

Either way, start asking him for suggestions for breakfast, or get in some pastries/cereal and tell him he can sort it himself as soon as he's ready to. If he wants eggs etc then he can be patient and wait, or cook it himself.
Walks can be done after a slow morning.

You need to just tell him that you're knackered and if he wants you to keep coming round then he needs to compromise. Im surprised you havent come down with the teacher holiday flu!

Lovelylovelyyy · 27/12/2023 02:03

Why isn't your ex facilitating contact between your dd and his family? If he doesn't drive you both (or just his dd) to and from his mum's house then say no. You need to wait until he's back in the country before your dd visits the in laws. Also as an aside, wow at the ages of your 4 year old's grandparents! I'm 27 and my grandparents are 77. If her grandma is 91 then I understand why you want your dd to visit. However, you need to wait until your ex is in the country so he can take your dd.

Castellanos · 27/12/2023 02:10

Can you be honest with the ex inlaws? Say that your dad has needed more care and time than you'd planned for and you'll need to trim your visit down, or move it to half term. Please don't feel bad. If you were a relative of mine I'd completely understand, but I know others are less sympathetic. Otherwise you risk burning yourself out and you'll be no good to anyone.

HikingforScenery · 27/12/2023 02:15

That sounds really hard for you flower💐
Can ex pil not look after your DD for a bit? zhou need to leave some time for you to have downtime at home, just chilling with your DD too.

Fourecks · 27/12/2023 02:21

@Castellanos has a great suggestion. If they start kicking up a fuss about wanting to see DD, just say that they will need to talk to their son/brother about this, and maybe you would be more up for visits if you weren't left parenting full-time while he lives overseas.

It is not your responsibility to maintain those family relationships. It's a nice thing to do but it can't come at the expense of your own wellbeing.

BookishFran · 27/12/2023 02:24

I think that the overcommitting has been covered plenty before now, so I just wanted to say give yourself grace for having overcommitted. It's natural for a lot of us to feel obligated to see family from Australia/elderly relatives where possible in our holidays! Just because you said you'd do all of this, and now realise it's too much, doesn't mean you can't feel stressed/tired.

You now know for next time and if nothing else that first weekend in January will be a quiet one in with just your DD!

miniatureroses · 27/12/2023 03:17

You need to stop feeling so much obligation. I've had a tough year and this year I handled everyone with the honest explanation that it's been a tough year, I'm exhausted and need some time to rest and recover. If they want otherwise, they can make the effort. Better than burning out or feeling resentment. They don't have to like it, I really needed this so put myself first for once. You have a choice too.

All this being dragged around all over the place is no fun for your DD either.

disappearingfish · 27/12/2023 03:17

Be straight with your dad, you're his daughter, not his housekeeper. He can take you out to lunch and you can have ready meals or takeout or something simple like omelettes for a meal.

Children make noise, including during naps.

Ditto your SIL. If she manages the other 360 days of the year why would you go into carer mode when you are there?

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