Am I being a 'princess'/ungrateful/unreasonable to be so stressed?

[BarbaraVineFan]

I'm a full time teacher and a single mum to 4 year old DD. I also have an 85 year old dad with whom I am very close and am an only child.

Since I broke up from school I basically feel as though I haven't had a break. I had family staying with me from the afternoon of the day I broke up and then as soon as they left I went straight to my dad's for Christmas.

Although dad looks after himself fine when I'm not there, when I am there he abdicates all responsibility for meal planning, shopping and cooking to me. He expects 'proper meals' and is forever wanting to know what we are eating and when. Even in the evening he asks about what we will be having for breakfast the next day and when we will be having it! He is also very keen on getting up at a 'reasonable hour' and doing things like going for walks etc rather than just chilling and seeing where the day takes us.

Another added stress factor is that every day he has an afternoon nap for at least 2 hours. This is fine but it means that I have to stay in one room with DD or go out so as not to disturb him. He is also too old to look after DD on his own really - he will read her a story or play with her for half an hour but that's it.

Now tomorrow I am off to see my ex in-laws (ExH lives abroad and i have her full time, but still have a good relationship with his family). But this also feels like a big stress. I don't drive due to a medical condition and so I have a 3 hour journey on public transport with DD. I'll be staying with my ex SIL, who is really lovely but is disabled, so I usually end up doing lots of cooking etc when I'm there. Plus there is nothing much for DD to do at hers, so I have to entertain her.

I go back to work on 4th Jan, and I feel as though I am basically spending the whole holiday looking after people, with no time at all to myself. I feel exhausted and stressed instead of relaxed. But I don't know if I am just being really awful to feel this way. It's not my dad's fault that he's old, or my SIL's that she is disabled.

So what do you think? AIBU to feel aggrieved and hard done by, or do I need a slap in the face with a wet fish?!

I'm not surprised you're feeling exhausted but without wanting to sound blunt, you're martyring yourself.

Absolutely understandable to want your family from Australia to stay, but could they not have stayed at a hotel or Air B&B nearby?

Again with your dad. He's elderly and you're an only child and very close to him, so of course you'd feel bad if he was alone but if he manages perfectly well when you're not there, why are you then taking on all the shopping and cooking etc??? When he asks what's for dinner or breakfast or whatever, just say 'I dunno dad. What are you making?' He's your dad so presumably you can have an honest chat with him and tell him you're exhausted and you can't do everything. That's on you!

The same with the ex ILs. It's lovely that you still keep in contact with them but why does it have to be more than one night and why would you need to cook for disabled SIL? Presumably she manages perfectly fine when you're not there?

I'd go home after the visit and chill out. Invite your dad round to yours for NYE but make it clear it'll be a relaxed affair.

Stop being a doormat!

If money is no object, I would stay in an Airbnb or equivalent in the future so you get your own space and avoid some of these extra responsibilities. You could spend time at your father's or in laws a few hours at a time then go back to your accommodation.

Are you sure you need to visit your father for NYE ... I have an elderly (90) DM and she genuinely wouldn't want me to visit for NY. I feel a lot of guilt but much of the visiting is done to make me feel better that I am being a dutiful daughter. She has actually said to me, gently, that I shouldn't feel I need to visit all the time. She can remember caring for her own elderly DM and the guilt and expectations involved.

Op that sounds really hard, could you suggest visiting your in-laws at Easter or the summer holidays in future?

As for your dad is there anyway you could create a meal plan and use the same one every year to take the decision making out of it. I have adhd daughters so we have lists for everything. One is the family meal plan. I also have a list for going away and dds are packing their own bags because tonight they’re visiting their granny. In a couple of years your dd will be a bit more set sufficient and able to help. I know that there’s a bigger problem of you doing too much but I wondered if you could take specific elements and make them easier.

It is most certainly a packed season for you. Perhaps the hosting at the start could be avoided, so you could have pampered yourself. It is sad, however, people saying that you shouldn't visit your father. How can you not? He is aged and alone. If you have a good relationship with him, you are blessed. Have you ever had an honest conversation with him about his schedule being a little bit much for you? Most times elders can't be too flexible with routines but I'm sure you can get him to adjust a little. Perhaps make a timetable for the days you are staying with him so he knows what to expect and lessens your burden too. Similarly, this your daughter's only chance to visit her other grandparents. Why not order takeaways when staying with SIl? How does she manage normally?

I think I'd pick up a bug so you can't go back to dads. No one cares about being alone for new year. It's not a thing!

You need to decide now to stop doing all this. You can do shorter visits or invite people to visit you. I am also a teacher and there is no way I would be doing all that in my Xmas break.

Op this is easy to solve.

Cancel the in-laws and let your exH deal with them when it’s his turn. FaceTime them at some point on Christmas Eve if you must have some contact.

Go to your dad just on Christmas Day or from the previous evening. Watch a film while he naps

Do not plan any other visits or get togethers

Yes, this is what you need to do. Maybe fit in a visit to in laws on a different holiday, such as Easter or summer break if it feels like something you must do.

All teachers feel like you this Christmas after a long, late term.

Cancel NY. You need a break. And I bet your dc needs a proper break too. As lovely as it is seeing/hosting people, it's hard work.

Your Dad's taking the piss! And perhaps you need to let him know how you're feeling. Ie exhausted/burnt-out. Just because he's old, doesn't mean you don't have needs too.

Do this 100%

It's your dds break too, does she really need to be carted off to various relatives' where she has to keep quiet while they nap? also not a lot for her to do whilst there. Bit rubbish for her. But she has no choice, whereas you do, you can decide you both stay home and have a few restful days.

Of course you could have said no! 'I'd love to meet up but unfortunately can't host as I'll be exhausted at the end of term and I just can't take on that extra work at that time'.

Presumably for some of their trip they'll be staying in hotels? Why can't they stay in a hotel and just visit you and DD for a day or several days if they're keen?

I had a particularly difficult time recently and had a planned visit from a relative - that relative when I told them about what had been happening just booked herself into a hotel and said 'of course you're simply going to be too tired too host after all that'. I then had them over for a takeaway one day and tea another and we did a short walk one day. They also fitted in seeing sights / other people and doing other stuff around us (giving me rest time in between visits). It was lovely and I'm sure I was much better company and spent more actual time with them than if I'd been hosting / making up bedrooms / cooking etc.

I do wonder how much you've let your Dad know how you feel OP? You say you have a close relationship so tell him - tell him how tired you are and that you need to make meals really easy / get takeaways. Maybe he also needs to accept you can't just keep a 4 year old silent for 2 hours in the afternoon and this is a trade off of you being there - which he presumably loves. If he gets a slightly shorter nap, so what?

I wonder if you - like a lot of teachers - do a good job of looking like superwoman and not letting other people realise the toll it's taking.? Open up and tell people. And cancel the in law visit unless they offer alternative transport (a taxi - your ex should pay for this). Public transport over the Christmas / New Year period can be unreliable too. Just don't put yourself through it.

I don't necessarily think it's a case of taking advantage - more thoughtlessness. Coping on your own at 85 often means cutting a lot of corners and I'm sure it's lovely to get proper home cooked food, but I'm also sure he wouldn't want this to be at the expense of your wellbeing OP. As PP have said there are plenty of meal companies that deliver.

Why oh why are you going back to your dad's.

Just say that you're really tired and daughter needs to be in her own home. So you are going home

You are choosing to not be at home and be exhausted. You don't have to choose that scenario

This post really resonates with me as my DF and DB are staying with us at the moment - it's been two weeks of them literally not lifting a finger and I'm absolutely exhausted. They've had two weeks of being cooked for every meal, literally just leaving their shit everywhere and to cop it off being annoyed I'm not 'engaging' more whilst doing these things and looking after two young children.

I tried to be direct about it in a non-confrontational way (eg 'please can you clear away the plates) and my DF complied but also went on 'is this how you treat guests then, they have to do everything for themselves?' and made passive-aggressive comments about how we aren't good hosts and are being lazy with guests. A row isn't worth it as they are going home in a few days (we live abroad somewhere people love to come on holiday) but DH and I are exhausted.

I have no advice because of how my attempt to ask for more help went, but next year he's not coming for as long!

You need to cut it right down next time. Visit if you must but much shorter, so that you get some days at home too. I realise you’ll still have your 4 yo with you but it’ll be more restful than all this traipsing around visiting.

Yes you could say no

’It’s wonderful you will be over so let’s plan a day to have lunch and a good catch up. Unfortunately I won’t be able to host you as I’m working until the Thursday and then have Xmas with my dad to prepare for but I’d love to have you for a meal so let me know which day suits.’

You matter too. Being a teacher and being a parent are exhausting and you need and deserve some downtime over the holidays.

Re your dad- I assume he lives alone the rest of the year? And manages? Because if so then there is no need to camp out there for the whole of the festive period- so don’t go back for new year. Tell him you are completely exhausted and will pop round with lunch on New Year’s Day but are coming down with a cold and need rest and your own bed for a night.

Yes prioritise yourself next year. Day visit to the in laws or one night stay only - DD still sees them and one night extra doesn’t make any difference really other than more time away from home and on ceremony for you. And truthfully if she only sees them twice a year then she doesn’t really have a close
relationship with them despite your best efforts so stressing yourself out to stay over for longer seems pointless.

I hate being away from home for any length of time I find just the act of being away exhausting as I can’t properly relax and that’s without all the meal making, conversation, planning and travelling.

You sound really thoughtful and lovely and must have a ton of energy I don’t possess but don’t push yourself so hard.

I mentioned it up thread, but seeing yours and other's posts I really think you need to 'rethink' for next Xmas.

If I were you, if you have more space than Dad has, I'd have Dad come to me assuming he can travel. Yes, it'd still be waiting on him but it's always easier to 'fetch and carry' in one's own home AND you wouldn't have the extra stress of a long journey there and back with DD. You say he would be 'worse' not being in his own home, but maybe it'd be worth a try just once. Then once Dad left you could go to the ex-iLs for a couple of days if you choose too. This way you'd be facing only one long journey during the holidays

But I do think that, regardless of you going to Dad's or Dad coming to you, it'd be better to see your ex-iLs at another time of the year so you get a breather between 'caring duties' for your dad and them. Not to mention how hard it is on a young child, all those long journeys!

I'm not sure when school half terms are for you, but I'd probably choose the one nearest Xmas and tell them you were visiting then instead of Xmas as it has just become too much. Or perhaps make it an Easter holiday trip. Nicer weather and they can give Easter eggs/gifts and see her open them. And I agree with others that ideally their own son would step up for the holiday visit. Does he never see his family over the holidays? Does he never 'come home' at any time during the year?

I do understand that your Ex not facilitating contact with his family means that you and DD don't spend any time apart during the holidays and that may be the reason you do all that traveling. But is it worth being so exhausted when there are alternatives that don't involve him?

I am only staying with ILs for two nights, but afterwards coming back to dad's for new year

Do you have to go back to your dad's? Can't you go straight home?

Or can you get home from your dad's early on NYD and have almost 3 days chilling at home?

Are you sure that your dad looks after himself Ok when you're not there?

I'm wondering why he doesn't just include you in his meals if that's the case?

Yes it's hard work.

But it's your dad and as you have already stayed, you want to maintain a relationship with your in laws for your DD's sake which is absolutely the right thing to do.

So you crack on, suck it up and accept that this is how it is for the time being.

You know that your dad won't always be with you and that soon enough, your DD will be able to maintain her own relationship with her dad's family.

Your father won't be around much longer and asking about food repeatedly may be a sign that dementia is developing (my DH has it and does similar). If you were home you would be cooking, so why is it such a chore to cook for him? You seem to be saying you have no time to yourselves but if he naps for two hours, surely you can plan outings or activities for that time? As for visiting the ex in laws, don't go if you don't want to but I don't think it's unreasonable of your disabled SiL to expect you to do some cooking while you're there.
Sorry if I sound unsympathetic and you'll find lots of support on here but you sound quite unreasonable to me.

O God another teacher moaning when you get 13 weeks a year off. Either accept the invitations or move the trip to later in the year when you are less exhausted.

Why are you being a martyr? Why not re-focus around DD? Why not build up relationships with her school friends and parents who are going through the exact same stresses and concerns that you are. Your family can't help with childcare, but your DD's school friends' parents can. All parents - especially the ones you meet and trust and share the same values - will both love it if you take their child to the park and home for tea - and reciprocate. If you're a struggling single parent - there will be kids and their parents in their class of 30 that you can bond with.

How absolutely lovely to have every Christmas off work with your child.