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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint birthday and Christmas presents

160 replies

AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 19:44

My DD turns 1 tomorrow and I've specifically said since she was born "No joint presents!" Get her a small gift for 1 and put £5 in her account, or whatever people can afford, but do 2 things, they are separate special days.

2 family members - one from my side 1 from DP - have gone against our wishes and said she is only 1, she won't remember, it was an expensive gift so she will like it etc.

AIBU for being angry they chose to go against what we asked? I said to both family members if her birthday was July you would have bought 2 gifts, but I still got "she won't know she is only 1".

I'm not ungrateful for the gifts, they are lovely and DD probably won't know, but as parents we know, I'm upset they couldn't even put £1 in her card as a gift, or buy an actual birthday and actual Xmas present.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
AQuantityOfNaughtyCats · 27/12/2023 11:14

My kids have summer birthdays and have had several joint Christmas and birthday presents if they wanted something more expensive.

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 11:59

@Changingplace That is absolutely fine and your prerogative.
Mine is that you treat my kids equally or not at all.

UsingChangeofName · 27/12/2023 12:26

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 07:23

I can't decide if this is a send up of the OP or whether someone would genuinely be this crass and rude. There are some... interesting characters about so you never know.

If true, I'm amazed that your relatives ever bought another gift again. I'd have taken it back for a refund and you'd not have received another bean from me again. Grabby in the extreme.

Show quote history

Agree @BalletBob
If WesselCups was so rude to me, there would be no presents in the future. Talk about cutting of your nose to spite your child's face.

Elvis1956 · 27/12/2023 12:54

Kendodd · 26/12/2023 20:29

Yeah, you are ungrateful.
Can't believe you think it's acceptable to dictate to people about presents.

But you weren't that kid who only got one present. You got something for your birthday and Christmas. It ain't about the money it's the effort and to be frank the people who did it to me as a kid I soon realised we're tight fuckers given the money my parents spent on their kids
As an adult you would expect a separate present from me if your birthday was in June you'd be pissed off if I said well I spent a bit more at Christmas.
It's just tight areses

x2boys · 27/12/2023 13:15

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 11:04

@BalletBob and @x2boys There is nothing wrong with wanting my kids to be treated the same.
Why should one be only worthy of one gift when the others get two just because their birthday falls near Christmas and the others don't.
No, they get treated the same as far as I'm concerned.
So you either buy them a separate present for each occasion or don't bother buying at all.

Well at least my son has Been brought up not to be rude and is gracious when receiving presents regardless of the fact he has a boxing day birthday.

Sootythecat14 · 27/12/2023 13:45

Who are you to dictate to others as to how they should buy presents for your children? It's very ungrateful and if you want to be pedantic about it just buy presents for others on either birthdays or Christmas. Times are hard at the moment, especially around Christmas, and I'm sure people don't want the additional feeling of guilt you no doubt impose upon them when they don't adhere to your demands

Kendodd · 27/12/2023 13:45

Elvis1956 · 27/12/2023 12:54

But you weren't that kid who only got one present. You got something for your birthday and Christmas. It ain't about the money it's the effort and to be frank the people who did it to me as a kid I soon realised we're tight fuckers given the money my parents spent on their kids
As an adult you would expect a separate present from me if your birthday was in June you'd be pissed off if I said well I spent a bit more at Christmas.
It's just tight areses

Show quote history

As an adult I wouldn't expect a present from anyone except my partner. And I wouldn't be pissed off at all if my kid got a bit less plastic tat. When my kids were little and would have birthday parties etc, I always said no need for a gift. People kindly almost always brought one though but absolutely fine for those who didn't. My kids almost never got cards/presents from anyone unless they were having a party and people were attending. They have one uncle, no other aunts or uncles, he has NEVER in his life sent any off them even a card for their birthday and he send one Christmas present for the family. I'm sure you'd be absolutely fuming about this, I'm not and think no less of him and still invite him every Christmas or other family celebration. Oh, and he's a multi millionaire so it's not that he doesn't have the money.

Kendodd · 27/12/2023 13:46

Oh, actually, I take that back. He did get my kid a card when he came to her 18th birthday family lunch.

Kendodd · 27/12/2023 13:51

OP, I think if this is going to cause ongoing upset you should ask people to please not buy your child any presents. Just cards would be enough. If people really want to give something ask for a donation to charity.

babyno2isdue · 27/12/2023 14:03

My dd is a Christmas Day birthday, she's only just turned 2 but both years she has had very much seperate birthday and Christmas presents even on the same day from family and friends, was never mentioned by me other than how me and dh would always make sure ours were given seperate...maybe they got the suttle hint Grin

Oh and 'bad planning' as someone mentioned above does not mean to punish the child by only getting one gift, what if people have tried for years? It's not the child's fault or the parents. As it was...mine was a Christmas Day baby due to a lengthy induction and me giving up at 3am yesterday I was disappointed at the time but life goes on

CleverLilViper · 27/12/2023 14:39

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 20:41

One of my kids birthday is on 21st December.
If anyone gave a joint birthday and Christmas present, I would ask them where the Christmas gift was. If it was wrapped in Christmas paper, I would ask where the birthday gift was.
Then I would hand the present back with a no thanks.
They soon got the message. Either a present for both occasions or none at all.
I refused to allow a joint present because if the birthday had been at any other time of the year, they would have got a present for both occasions.
My birthday is in mid December and my mum took the same stance of a gift for both of none at all.

Well, you don't sound grabby at all...

If someone handed a present back to me with that attitude-the kid would never get a gift from me ever again and I'd make a point of it.

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 14:44

@CleverLilViper That is absolutely fine, as long as you don't buy presents for my other kids either.
My kids will always be treated equally, regardless of when their birthdays are.

CleverLilViper · 27/12/2023 15:11

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 14:44

@CleverLilViper That is absolutely fine, as long as you don't buy presents for my other kids either.
My kids will always be treated equally, regardless of when their birthdays are.

You mean people can save money on not buying your kids presents at all? Score!

peakygold · 27/12/2023 15:20

DS's birthday is just before Christmas and his GF made the mistake of a 'joint' gift last year. He soon kicked her into touch. We have never done that, and I even keep one room completely free of all Christmas embellishments so we can actually celebrate his birthday. No Christmas wrap on his birthday gifts etc. I have always been absolutely adamant with family and friends that his birthday is as special as DD's in July.

CleverLilViper · 27/12/2023 15:21

I think some people on this thread need a reality check and to rein in their entitlement.

  1. No one, bar the parents, is obligated to buy a single present for any children at all so if they do-you ought to do the gracious thing and be grateful for whatever they do get.

  2. You can make a request like this of people, but you cannot demand or dictate that they follow it. How other people choose to gift is their choice and not your remit to demand.

  3. Acting rude and crass like @WesselCups is a guaranteed way to disillusion anyone who was considering being kind and giving a gift into never bothering again and thus, a great way of cutting your nose off to spite your kid's face. Which is fine-if you never want your children to receive any gifts at all and great for any friends and relatives bank accounts!

Christmas is a busy, expensive time of year for most people. If people choose to do joint gifts, it's probably not because they don't care or want to be thoughtless. It's that there's a lot on people's plates at that time of year and they're trying to juggle everything at once.

Teach your children to be grateful for what they do receive. Try and host a party for your child at a different time for their birthday to celebrate.

I was always taught to be grateful for whatever I did receive. People don't have to give gifts-and believe it or not, other people's lives and worlds don't revolve around your kids. Honestly-if I went out of my way to purchase a present for a friend or a relative's child, and they acted like this about it-I'd never buy anything for them again.

CleverLilViper · 27/12/2023 15:23

peakygold · 27/12/2023 15:20

DS's birthday is just before Christmas and his GF made the mistake of a 'joint' gift last year. He soon kicked her into touch. We have never done that, and I even keep one room completely free of all Christmas embellishments so we can actually celebrate his birthday. No Christmas wrap on his birthday gifts etc. I have always been absolutely adamant with family and friends that his birthday is as special as DD's in July.

So, hang on, your son who is old enough to have a GF who dared to buy him a joint present-was so ungrateful for that present he "kicked her into touch."

He sounds pleasant and I hope she kicks him to the curb.

MargaretThursday · 27/12/2023 15:27

I sort of agree with you, but It otoh my dc have all had joint birthday and Christmas presents when they've had something expensive they want. None of their birthdays are anywhere near Christmas.
So if it is something more expensive and They don't do it every time then I think it's fair enough.
What I would be not wanting is the spending about the same and calling it joint. So spending £12 instead of £10 and saying it worst of both.

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 16:03

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 11:04

@BalletBob and @x2boys There is nothing wrong with wanting my kids to be treated the same.
Why should one be only worthy of one gift when the others get two just because their birthday falls near Christmas and the others don't.
No, they get treated the same as far as I'm concerned.
So you either buy them a separate present for each occasion or don't bother buying at all.

There are ways and means of dealing with things. Being unnecessarily rude and combative is going to achieve nothing, apart from ruining your children's relationships with wider family and friends. You can express a preference but making demands around gift giving is out of order. You aren't the Queen of Sheba. If people want to spend a bit extra and get a bigger, combined present there's nothing wrong with that and you should respond with grace and gratitude.

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 16:06

peakygold · 27/12/2023 15:20

DS's birthday is just before Christmas and his GF made the mistake of a 'joint' gift last year. He soon kicked her into touch. We have never done that, and I even keep one room completely free of all Christmas embellishments so we can actually celebrate his birthday. No Christmas wrap on his birthday gifts etc. I have always been absolutely adamant with family and friends that his birthday is as special as DD's in July.

He sounds a bit of a muppet if he's ended an otherwise happy relationship over some minor ego trip about being special 😐 I hope he returned the gift and she was able to get her money back.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/12/2023 16:29

peakygold · 27/12/2023 15:20

DS's birthday is just before Christmas and his GF made the mistake of a 'joint' gift last year. He soon kicked her into touch. We have never done that, and I even keep one room completely free of all Christmas embellishments so we can actually celebrate his birthday. No Christmas wrap on his birthday gifts etc. I have always been absolutely adamant with family and friends that his birthday is as special as DD's in July.

I’d be so disappointed if I had raised my child to be this ungrateful and rude to his girlfriend. I have bought my DH joint birthday and Christmas gifts (his birthday is December) and he was nothing but grateful for the thought I’d put into his gift - a tablet, phone, high-ticket experience…

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 27/12/2023 16:41

Both dd1 and youngest dsis have birthdays very close to Christmas. When they were little we always kept gifts separate, but as they’ve got older they’ve had some large joint birthday and Christmas gifts, this has been discussed and agreed on as the gifts were more than would normally be spent on one occasion.

but honestly at 1 it doesn’t really matter and so close to Christmas I’m normally just pleased people remember and make any effort at all.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 27/12/2023 16:41

As my 3 siblings and I were all born within a couple of days of Christmas, I had a childhood of joint presents, the disappointment in the lack of consideration and imagination has remained with me all my life 🤷🏼‍♀️

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 16:45

@BalletBob Gratitude? For allowing treating one child more favourably than the other?
I don't think so!

ZebraD · 27/12/2023 17:09

Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2023 08:09

People should give a separate Xmas and b-day gift but... I really don't think there is a way to say to people "You need to give extra gifts" that doesn't look and sound really grabby.

I'd just accept what they gave for her, and try to find other ways to make it up for her a bit as she gets older.

Would you say extra gifts for anyone else’s birthday not around Christmas! This kind of attitude is so annoying and frustrating! It’s not about extra it about SEPARATE CELEBRATION!

AuntMarch · 27/12/2023 17:16

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 20:41

One of my kids birthday is on 21st December.
If anyone gave a joint birthday and Christmas present, I would ask them where the Christmas gift was. If it was wrapped in Christmas paper, I would ask where the birthday gift was.
Then I would hand the present back with a no thanks.
They soon got the message. Either a present for both occasions or none at all.
I refused to allow a joint present because if the birthday had been at any other time of the year, they would have got a present for both occasions.
My birthday is in mid December and my mum took the same stance of a gift for both of none at all.

I don't necessarily buy for both anyway so you'd save me a few quid!