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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint birthday and Christmas presents

160 replies

AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 19:44

My DD turns 1 tomorrow and I've specifically said since she was born "No joint presents!" Get her a small gift for 1 and put £5 in her account, or whatever people can afford, but do 2 things, they are separate special days.

2 family members - one from my side 1 from DP - have gone against our wishes and said she is only 1, she won't remember, it was an expensive gift so she will like it etc.

AIBU for being angry they chose to go against what we asked? I said to both family members if her birthday was July you would have bought 2 gifts, but I still got "she won't know she is only 1".

I'm not ungrateful for the gifts, they are lovely and DD probably won't know, but as parents we know, I'm upset they couldn't even put £1 in her card as a gift, or buy an actual birthday and actual Xmas present.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2023 08:09

People should give a separate Xmas and b-day gift but... I really don't think there is a way to say to people "You need to give extra gifts" that doesn't look and sound really grabby.

I'd just accept what they gave for her, and try to find other ways to make it up for her a bit as she gets older.

Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2023 08:15

ProudparentofaMuffin · 26/12/2023 20:57

I had a joint Christmas and birthday CARD from a 'friend' one year...

I think some of you December birthday people have some really odd and exaggerated ideas about how "celebrated" adult birthdays in general are.

My mum sends me a Christmas card and a birthday card. Oh, and my sister.Most people I know have stopped sending Xmas cards (I only send them to people I rarely see, with a letter inside, as a way of keeping in touch - I don't hand out stacks of them to people I see regularly), and most people I know don't do birthday gifts or cards for friends. People might share their own birthdays and invite people out for a drink or lunch, sometimes. And people do wish each other happy birthday on FB, mostly because it gets notified automatically (few people remember otherwise, IME). But few people I know make or expect much of a fuss about their birthday as an adult.

Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2023 08:23

And by the way, getting birthday presents wrapped in Xmas paper happens at all times of year - people run out of non Xmas paper and have to make do with what they can find in the house. Believe it or not, other people do not plan their lives around your child and have busy lives and stuff of their own going on. It may also sometimes be impossible to find non Xmas paper in the shops in December and again, not everyone has the time to trawl around every shop in town.

The poster who actually would hand gifts back if they were wrapped in the wrong type of paper: you are a very rude person and you and your child would not be getting another gift from me if you ever tried that with me. You're also encouraging your child to develop a real chip on their shoulder about the issue.

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2023 08:33

I'm a mid-January birthday, and still had joint Christmas and birthday presents (except from immediate family). It was just the way it was and I grew up with it so it didn't seem a problem at all.

Still happens now sometimes, and I like it, as it means I get better presents than people could afford for either Christmas or birthday alone.

Thank fuck my mother didn't hand any presents back for being in the wrong wrapping!

Abracadabra12345 · 27/12/2023 08:36

I know the pain of the combined Christmas and birthday present so this struck a chord!

Joint birthday and Christmas presents
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 08:38

Hardbackwriter · 26/12/2023 20:38

I think your intention is good but there is just no way to say 'you need to buy my child more presents - I am unhappy that you didn't buy her more presents' that doesn't sound absolutely awful and ungrateful.

This.
I absolutely agree with you, my kids not oing ago had their birthday along with my nephew and mine is days away. We're a strict two presents family on this matter UNLESS the present is genuinely the price of two gifts. I get there should be a token gift for the second event anyway but this isn't the year I'd make it a hill to die on.

Absolutely start the reminders early next year tho.

Abracadabra12345 · 27/12/2023 08:42

@Projectme
My DH has a twin sister and they were born v close to Xmas. They were given joint birthday & Christmas presents TO SHARE every year from quite a few family members. So for example, they were given a board game as their birthday and Xmas present (so the gift was each of their bday and Xmas present). unreal!

As a twin born close to December, this is exactly what happened to us too! As an adult with a family, I have trained them to treat my birthday and Christmas as very, very separate events. The most annoying thing now is that when people send cards to me, I never know if it's birthday or Christmas ones

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 27/12/2023 08:47

usererror99 · 27/12/2023 06:49

I should also add, now I've read all the comments, they have chosen to only see her on 1 of the days - her birthday OR Christmas

You are being silly now

I have close immediate family who have bdays less than a week from Xmas day - I'm not going to visit them twice. I have a life and things to do and my own kids that doesn't revolve around theirs

If you are planning on having more children maybe skip trying to conceive for a month around March/April to avoid this issue again

Exactly. My DH has a December birthday and it's a PITA. March has 100% been a no-go conception month for me.

x2boys · 27/12/2023 08:53

AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 19:44

My DD turns 1 tomorrow and I've specifically said since she was born "No joint presents!" Get her a small gift for 1 and put £5 in her account, or whatever people can afford, but do 2 things, they are separate special days.

2 family members - one from my side 1 from DP - have gone against our wishes and said she is only 1, she won't remember, it was an expensive gift so she will like it etc.

AIBU for being angry they chose to go against what we asked? I said to both family members if her birthday was July you would have bought 2 gifts, but I still got "she won't know she is only 1".

I'm not ungrateful for the gifts, they are lovely and DD probably won't know, but as parents we know, I'm upset they couldn't even put £1 in her card as a gift, or buy an actual birthday and actual Xmas present.

Am I being silly?

U fortunately you have s lifetime of this my son was 17 yesterday, people are so wrapped up.in Xmas ,they forget its a birthday too.

x2boys · 27/12/2023 08:58

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 20:41

One of my kids birthday is on 21st December.
If anyone gave a joint birthday and Christmas present, I would ask them where the Christmas gift was. If it was wrapped in Christmas paper, I would ask where the birthday gift was.
Then I would hand the present back with a no thanks.
They soon got the message. Either a present for both occasions or none at all.
I refused to allow a joint present because if the birthday had been at any other time of the year, they would have got a present for both occasions.
My birthday is in mid December and my mum took the same stance of a gift for both of none at all.

That was incredibly rude of you and as I say this as the mother of a son who turned 17 yesterday.

Gumbo · 27/12/2023 09:05

With your child's birthday so close to Christmas I think an expensive gift for a 1 year old is probably ok (give them the empty box to play with tomorrow, it'll mo doubt provide plenty of entertainment 😁)

However, going forward I completely agree with you, the events need to be completely separate. DH is a twin and their birthday is very close to Christmas, and as kids they not only used to get joint Christmas/birthday presents, but it was often 'for you both to share ' - so 1 gift in total for the two of them, which is really shocking!

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2023 09:14

At 1 year old I think one expensive present that they're likely to enjoy more is better than two small ones for the sake of it. Most people I know with younger children who had December birthdays did something similar. I also know parents who requested money at Christmas for young DC so they could pool it with birthday money from elsewhere in the year and get one better more expensive present.

I'd understand your annoyance if it was one small Christmas gift being passed off as both Christmas and birthday, but if the gift is genuinely comparable to a Christmas gift plus birthday gift then I think it sounds a bit rude and grabby to try to dictate how other people spend their money.

baubletits · 27/12/2023 09:22

I'm torn in this if I'm honest, I have a Christmas birthday I always hated joint presents as you'd find that the person would get their usual Christmas gift but then say "oh it's a joint present", when my siblings would get the exact same gift and then a seperate gift for their birthday.

However joint presents can be useful if you want something a bit more expensive. I would never ask for anything really expensive for however if I know what that person's budget is for Christmas and birthdays, if there was one item that was the cost of both budgets I might ask for that as a joint present (this is only applicable to my husband and dad as they are the only people that really buy me presents!)

Ilikeviognier · 27/12/2023 09:27

Hearing this. My birthday is tomorrow and the joint thing - or at least being an afterthought - has applied my whole life.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/12/2023 09:45

Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2023 08:23

And by the way, getting birthday presents wrapped in Xmas paper happens at all times of year - people run out of non Xmas paper and have to make do with what they can find in the house. Believe it or not, other people do not plan their lives around your child and have busy lives and stuff of their own going on. It may also sometimes be impossible to find non Xmas paper in the shops in December and again, not everyone has the time to trawl around every shop in town.

The poster who actually would hand gifts back if they were wrapped in the wrong type of paper: you are a very rude person and you and your child would not be getting another gift from me if you ever tried that with me. You're also encouraging your child to develop a real chip on their shoulder about the issue.

My birthday presents are always wrapped in Christmas paper. Same for my sister and my dad and our birthdays are in April and June. We always have excessive Christmas paper but not enough for the next Christmas so we use it for birthdays. Who cares?!

My DDs have birthday paper because I buy specific stuff for them (they have more and bigger presents) that they’ll like - Paw Patrol, Disney, etc.

DH’s birthday is December and I usually buy enough presents for him to need specific paper but we’ve recently agreed to cut down on presents for each other so he’ll have whatever paper I can find. He really doesn’t care but probably would have done as a child because his birthday was so often lumped together with Christmas. His mum used to make a Christmas tree cake and that would be his and his sister’s birthday cake as they were both a week before Christmas. 🙄

IhaveanewTVnow · 27/12/2023 10:10

I’m a December 16th baby. I think we get more attention than summer babies especially as an adult. I certainly get more cards as an adult. I agree with another poster that said that December babies make too much fuss about their birthdays especially as an adult.

the only compromise I make is that I don’t put the decs up until after my birthday.

sallydoodlecat · 27/12/2023 10:20

I have twins born on Boxing Day. So they have to share the day with each other and with Christmas. I was adamant from the start that they need to have separate gifts. Don't care if it sounds grabby. It's rubbish to have a birthday around this time so I work to make it as special as I can. We usually get the presents from grandparents and wrap them too so can take the pressure off them. It means having a spreadsheet to keep track of what's for Xmas and what's for birthday. It means making birthday cakes on Xmas eve and getting balloons then. It means hunting down birthday wrapping paper. But it's so important to me to do it.

Yoyoban · 27/12/2023 10:27

Firstly she's one. They could get her nothing for either Christmas or birthday and she wouldn't be aware of it.

Secondly fewer items are better at this age because too many presents can be overwhelming for young children and actually result in more upset

Thirdly joint presents are fine at any age if they're more expensive. It's one of the benefits of having a birthday closer to Christmas - you can get more expensive items which kids with birthdays far from Christmas can't ask for because they're more than the single event budget

Lovelynames123 · 27/12/2023 10:28

My nephew is the 23rd, just turned 10 and always gets2 very separate gifts from everyone. If when he's older he wants bigger joint gifts I'll do that but until he decides it'll stay as 2 gifts

Overheater · 27/12/2023 10:29

My birthday is tomorrow. As a kid I was often given big joint presents like a bike with little presents. As a grown up I’ve continued that. I’ve seen a pair of boots that I’d love, but they’re pricey, so have asked if they could be a joint present (though they weren’t a Christmas present so could have been ignored). Basically, I don’t see the issue if it’s a dream present, but always nice to have a pressie to open on both days.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 27/12/2023 10:29

I'm pushing 70 OP with a birthday in a couple of days time. My DM pushed the "no combined presents" line as well. I'm still waiting for anyone to follow it.

Roiesin57 · 27/12/2023 11:04

We have an Xmas Day grandson, born 3 weeks early. When people expressed dismay at this, how awful it is that his birthday will be forgotten etc we all made a point of no, it will be celebrated just as much as if his birthday was in June. We've asked for birthday presents in birthday paper & Xmas presents in Xmas paper. We set the tone straight away.
It's not extra expense as you just have to put the money for the present away just the same as a birthday at other times of the year.
And if you're buying for their children's birthday at other times of the year & their Xmas presents then it's only fair.
He has his birthday party with school friends in January at the time he should have been born

WesselCups · 27/12/2023 11:04

@BalletBob and @x2boys There is nothing wrong with wanting my kids to be treated the same.
Why should one be only worthy of one gift when the others get two just because their birthday falls near Christmas and the others don't.
No, they get treated the same as far as I'm concerned.
So you either buy them a separate present for each occasion or don't bother buying at all.

Changingplace · 27/12/2023 11:09

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 20:41

One of my kids birthday is on 21st December.
If anyone gave a joint birthday and Christmas present, I would ask them where the Christmas gift was. If it was wrapped in Christmas paper, I would ask where the birthday gift was.
Then I would hand the present back with a no thanks.
They soon got the message. Either a present for both occasions or none at all.
I refused to allow a joint present because if the birthday had been at any other time of the year, they would have got a present for both occasions.
My birthday is in mid December and my mum took the same stance of a gift for both of none at all.

And if someone did that to me they’d never get another gift of any kind from me ever again, how incredibly rude.

With that attitude no, they wouldn’t have got another gift anytime ever, and neither would anyone else in the family.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2023 11:12

For a one year old, think you are being silly. When your DD is older, not so, especially if you have or go on to have more children.