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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint birthday and Christmas presents

160 replies

AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 19:44

My DD turns 1 tomorrow and I've specifically said since she was born "No joint presents!" Get her a small gift for 1 and put £5 in her account, or whatever people can afford, but do 2 things, they are separate special days.

2 family members - one from my side 1 from DP - have gone against our wishes and said she is only 1, she won't remember, it was an expensive gift so she will like it etc.

AIBU for being angry they chose to go against what we asked? I said to both family members if her birthday was July you would have bought 2 gifts, but I still got "she won't know she is only 1".

I'm not ungrateful for the gifts, they are lovely and DD probably won't know, but as parents we know, I'm upset they couldn't even put £1 in her card as a gift, or buy an actual birthday and actual Xmas present.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 26/12/2023 21:00

When DD is older if she starts getting joint presents and it seems like she's getting less overall than DS I might feel we should get her some extra bits to make up for it.

I still think it's really rude to demand anyone else does it a particular way.

chillidoritto · 26/12/2023 21:03

YANBU. Well maybe a bit this year, but def wise to set your stall out for future years. As others have said, not fair on her to get one present when summer born siblings get 2!

Original poster
AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 21:03

Thank you so much for all the responses, I really appreciate them all.

She is an only child however, that may not be the case forever if we are fortunate to have another baby in the near future and I'd like to know all kids will be treated fairly.

I'm definately not asking for more presents! Maybe I wasn't clear on that. If someone only had £5 say to spend, I'd rather 2 presents, 1 for her birthday and 1 for Christmas. I'm definately not grabby! We both work full time and are financially comfortable, we provide more than enough for her and she will always want for nothing, I suppose I was almost expecting her close family to respect both occasions as separate events, not rolled into 1 through lazyness and the poor excuse of "it was expensive". Maybe if she doesnt know what day of the week it is she will also not know how much people spent and will be less worried about 1 expensive present and enjoy 2 gifts knowing they were given on 2 separate days.

My little sister is 19th Dec and she had 2 separate events, and she was always very happy, but looking at some December baby responses where it was treated as the same day almost I'm feeling alot less unreasonable to ask for 2 separate events. I'm sorry you all felt a bit cheated out of your birthdays, I'll try my best not to let that happy to my baby!

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 26/12/2023 21:05

YANBU. I'm 2 weeks after Christmas and people still do this. I've stopped getting people presents in the past and told them their birthday present was joint with their Christmas present who cares if their birthday is in August?!

KeyWorker · 26/12/2023 21:12

I think if it’s an older (?12+) maybe, child then it may be ok if it’s an expensive item such as Playstation, designer coat etc if they are fully onboard and understand the concept of how expensive that item is, then it may be ok but certainly for little ones then think it’s important to have a definite separation of birthday and Christmas.

UsingChangeofName · 26/12/2023 21:13

At this age it doesn't matter, as your baby won't have a clue.

Also, you can only ever say "We'd really rather you do X" (about presents). You can't 'demand' anything.

Nor is it true that this doesn't happen for any children who have birthdays at this time of the year. All my 3 dc (now adults, but with birthdays spread throughout the year) have had a more expensive present for either birthday or Christmas at various times on the understanding this is their joint birthday / Christmas present as it is more ££ than we would normally spend on them.

I do understand you wanting to keep the separate days, but you can't 'demand' how others choose to do that.
I do think (once they get older) saying to everyone "Don't get dc1 a birthday present in December, we are going to celebrate her birthday officially at the end of January when it doesn't get taken over by Christmas. If anyone wants a wishlist for a birthday present we'll try and pull something together in early January".

caringcarer · 26/12/2023 21:13

I've got 2 summer born DC and 1 mid December. When he was small he got gifts on his birthday and others at Xmas but as he got a bit older the toys he wanted like garden toys his siblings had didn't work as well in December so we asked him if he'd rather celebrate his birthday in the summer on his half birthday and he said yes. We've done that ever since. On his real birthday we just have a family tea.

14Q · 26/12/2023 21:15

She is one so she doesn't care. I think you are being silly. Be grateful for the presents and let people do what they want. We have a lot of Xmas time birthdays (4 very close and one on the 12th 🤦🏻‍♀️) in our house and it's never been an issue. I've just done a joint pressie for my Mum. My kids who have birthdays a few days away from Xmas don't care either. Birthdays with friends didn't matter as they would have a party or pub trip a week or two before their actual birthdays. They sometimes buy joint Xmas birthday presents for each other so it clearly doesn't bother them.

I used to make their birthdays as special as I could but it was useful to have the option to combine their Xmas and birthday presents so they could buy something bigger.

I think fussing about this type of thing and trying to control what other people do is boring. I think you should relax and not worry about it. You don't need to be indignant about this especially on behalf of a one year old.

usererror99 · 26/12/2023 21:17

It's the dictating of how you want it which is coming across as a bit rude and entitled personally. Being born on Xmas Eve / Xmas Day / Boxing Day - well that's sort of bad planning on the parents part unless there was a medical emergency. I wouldn't like to then be told how I'm to spend my money by them. I have a limited budget for gifts and one larger more expensive item is surely better than 2 cheaper ones just to fulfil your requirements. (FWIW I have twins and whilst they are young I don't have a problem with joint presents for them)

Original poster
AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 21:17

I should also add, now I've read all the comments, they have chosen to only see her on 1 of the days - her birthday OR Christmas, so it's actually not even just gifts, it's time spent too.

I wouldn't have batted an eye lid if everyone said "no presents at all this year" we would have bought her gifts from us and been thankful her family visited, but they didn't

OP posts:
Moreorlessmentallystable · 26/12/2023 21:20

Why would you tell people in advance they must buy 2 presents? Surely you just don't expect people would buy presents? Is nicely received but not something you can expect or force people to do, specially your way.

Pebbles16 · 26/12/2023 21:20

ProudparentofaMuffin · 26/12/2023 20:57

I had a joint Christmas and birthday CARD from a 'friend' one year...

I still get them, drives me nuts

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 26/12/2023 21:20

Mariposistaa · 26/12/2023 20:59

Life is not all about presents. Especially not at Christmas. Time spent with family and friends is so much more important

Show quote history

Cool.

The kids born in July can get one gift and be told this is your joint Christmas present as well.

See how that goes...

Luddite26 · 26/12/2023 21:20

Mine is boxing day and I can't ever remember this happening. Had more fuss really from relatives because they were around. Yes sometimes I received joint gifts because they were expensive or at least more than the amount spent on Xmas so they would say it's for both. But it wasn't in an offensive way.
But friends never bothered withy birthday it just got lost in with Christmas.

NotARealWookiie · 26/12/2023 21:21

I’m with you (me, DH and dd all have Xmas birthdays) but you can’t force other people to cooperate without sounding grabby…

You can, however give those who are guilty of giving joking Christmas and birthday gifts, one present at Christmas and say “oh this is jointly for your Christmas and birthday present” even though they have an June birthday.

Luddite26 · 26/12/2023 21:22

AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 21:17

I should also add, now I've read all the comments, they have chosen to only see her on 1 of the days - her birthday OR Christmas, so it's actually not even just gifts, it's time spent too.

I wouldn't have batted an eye lid if everyone said "no presents at all this year" we would have bought her gifts from us and been thankful her family visited, but they didn't

That's not fair I would expect more from family.

BalletBob · 26/12/2023 21:22

I think you're being really ungrateful and rude to people who obviously love your child and are doing a very nice, generous thing for her.

I have 2 January babies and DH is also a January birthday. I totally get that it's a horrible feeling when people blatantly think "yippee, I can save a few quid or a bit of effort here and just get one gift and say it's for Christmas + birthday combined" I'd rather have no gift at all than a gift grudgingly given. But that isn't what these relatives have done, if I'm reading your OP correctly. It sounds like they've spent more money and got something extra special which would have been too expensive for either Christmas or a birthday. To accuse them of laziness and making excuses is really rude and unkind. They've tried to do what they think DD would like the best. Good for them that they aren't being dictated to by you. You don't get to demand people give gifts in the manner of your liking.

BridasShieldWall · 26/12/2023 21:23

My son’s birthday is tomorrow and I wouldn’t be too bothered about a joint present at this age. Once they were older I would be, but not at this age. As a family we always made sure it was definitely a separate day, cards, decorations, cakes etc (even though I felt absolutely ‘caked’ out by then) with a meal out or a party planned and family followed our lead.

My son is now a teenager and we discussed it today, whenever he mentions his birthday someone always asks if he gets the short straw on presents. The difficulty, especially as he gets older, is that there is a limit on what we can get him without getting into buying something for the sake of it. In that case he does get presents plus some cash and he can get something later that he really wants. This happens particularly with relatives but it isn’t such a problem now he is older and prefers the cash.

We did get him a joint present once, he wanted a full suspension off road bike which cost a lot. We said we would get it but it would have to be a joint present. It can work in their favour sometimes.

When they are at school plan their school party towards the end of January or the beginning of December to provide a clear separation

bakewellbride · 26/12/2023 21:23

Age 4 or whatever I can kind of see your point but at age 1 yabu.

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 21:23

Arrrrrrrggggghhhh people do this for me and I hate it! I am 47 in 3rd January (official name is a birthmas present) I go nuts every year because I hate it. BIG TIME!
I sincerely do not care about how much is spent. Et are two separate occasions and should be treated as such. It’s bad enough having the biggest celebrations together. Imagine saying to someone whose birthday is in August - sorry no presents this year, you’ll get it at Christmas! It’s a great big fat no from me and there are zero excuses are arguments against it!

14Q · 26/12/2023 21:27

@AppleChunkPunk
I should also add, now I've read all the comments, they have chosen to only see her on 1 of the days - her birthday OR Christmas, so it's actually not even just gifts, it's time spent too

Why does this bother you though? She is one. She doesn't understand or care? 🤷🏻‍♀️

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 26/12/2023 21:32

You can't control what other people choose to give as gifts or on what occasions they choose to gift.

Let it go and be grateful someone wants to buy your kid anything at all.

Original poster
AppleChunkPunk · 26/12/2023 21:38

Because at 4 she will care and understand, surely its better to ask now than have a child who asks why she doesn't get treated like her friends at school on her birthday?

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 26/12/2023 21:45

Im a little on the fence here. I have a DD with Christmas Eve Birthday and we have obviously always kept things very separate. However my siblings have sometimes got a joint Birthday/Xmas gift but it would be two budgets put together, so some awesome gifts as far as DD was concerned that would be too big for one or other gift. I think at 1 year old this would be legitimate and then also again in teen years where the kids like expensive stuff!

Tohaveandtohold · 26/12/2023 21:46

I get this. I have a child born on the 23rd and we always make an effort to make her feel special on that day. We can’t control what every one else does though but it always grate me when her birthday is not acknowledged but what we as her parents do is what matters really