Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope that it doesn’t have to be like this?!

286 replies

Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 18:04

I will probably be flamed for this as a non parent but it’s a genuine q.

Spent Christmas with 4 kids on DP’s side, ages ranging from 9mo to 2.5 (and their parents).

It was absolute non stop them clinging to or crying for there mummys, not listening when told they couldn’t do something dangerous etc (obviously mostly applies to the older ones), being super picky about food, who fed them, where they sat etc, waking up multiple times a night, parents getting pissy if anyone dared to so much as breathe too loudly when kids were napping / had gone to bed etc. Everything (Christmas meal, present opening etc) had to be timed around their completely different nap and meal times. Every possible source of light that might come under doors had to be removed. Parents had to stay with them once asleep or they would cry when they woke (several times a night) - largely applied to two of the under 2s. Or in another case spend an hour putting to sleep.

It was frustrating, exhausting and somewhat ridiculous tbh.

im sure when we were kids we had to go with the flow a bit more and would often just fall asleep in a room full of people and be put to bed when adults went up?

currently TTC but tbh this is putting me off! Does it have to be like this or can you parent differently?! Since when did EVERYTHING revolve round the kids and since when were they so unresilient?!

OP posts:
CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 26/12/2023 19:53

All mine would have got more and more agitated and hysterical and over tired and screamed until vomiting and trust me no one wants that at a party. Far from not being a chill mum I had every intention to take them wherever and let them sleep in their prams or be held by anything who fancied it and to hell with routine but my kids didn’t get the memo.

I agree. And I think it's not the case (generally speaking) that chilled parents lead to chilled babies, and rigid, routine focused parents lead to rigid, routine focused babies. I think it's the other way round. A chilled out baby leads to a parent who can be relaxed about naps etc.

Humbugg · 26/12/2023 19:56

I’m not sure you’re ready for babies OP! Why don’t you spend some more time with your nieces and nephews and do some babysitting, it will help adjust your expectations

joelmillersbackpack · 26/12/2023 19:58

To be blunt OP I think you should look into what it actually takes to care for small children before try to conceive. The tone of your post is judgemental and your expectations of literal babies are comically silly. You would presumably do more research if you bought a puppy.

What you’ve seen is good parenting, parents putting their child’s needs before the needs of other adults. And yes good parents will do whatever it is required in their child’s best interests. Which strangely doesn’t include prioritising adult time on an occasion that infants do not understand.

margotrose · 26/12/2023 19:58

They did get pissy! Factual.
the kids were literally clinging which is what I said

Well, that's babies and toddlers for you. They want to be on/with their parents 99% of the time.

Arabellla · 26/12/2023 19:58

TinyTom · 26/12/2023 19:41

'Hi Everyone, I wonder if you can help. I've just had Christmas with my family and it's made me a little anxious as I'm currently TTC. I appreciate it's Christmas which might be the reason as children are out of routines etc, but I wondered if having small children is truly as all consuming as it seems. The children seemed to find it hard to sleep without parental support, and there were lots of different nap schedules to accommodate which made it difficult to do things with all the adults together. The children also seemed to need parental input 24/7 which looked exhausting. I was wondering if it is always like this with kids, or if they can be put into a structured routine which allows for some down time. Any words of wisdom or positive stories greatly received - thanks!'

Same question, but I haven't called anyone pissy or ridiculous or suggested that toddlers are unnecessarily whiny or clingy.

Just look how many people are riled by your original post (not just me!) - it's clearly because of your use of language.

Show quote history

Ridiculous to rewrite OP’s post and make it so obsequious with all the ‘I was just wondering’ bits.

Get over yourself.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 26/12/2023 19:58

AND none of these kids understand Christmas btw.

Obviously. That doesn't mean they aren't excited by new toys and lots of people around, and worked up by a change in routine, other children to play with, and sleeping somewhere different

Everydayimhuffling · 26/12/2023 19:58

The problem is that there are so many very young children. It wouldn't feel so unreasonable to fit around one child's naps etc. When mine were that age bedtime and sleep were nightmarish and I had a huge argument with my mum one year about letting my youngest sleep until he woke up naturally or letting him nap whenever (ruining his evening sleep in either case). Some, but not all (I hear), small children are a nightmare for sleep.

You are very unlikely to have that many small children at once, so you'll probably be alright!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/12/2023 19:59

Totally agree with you, and, tbh, I think the babies should have been cooking the Christmas dinner and letting the adults have a well earned rest for the day.

🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/12/2023 20:06

Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 19:43

They did get pissy! Factual.
the kids were literally clinging which is what I said. I didn’t say they were “unnecessarily whiny or clingy”. factual.
the situation was literally ridiculous whether or not it could have been avoided!

Show quote history

Maybe if it's giving you second thoughts about TTC, it might be a good thing. Having children need LOTS of patience. There's LOTS of adjustments that parents make. I guarantee that all of us get impatient and struggle at some point (s), but going into parenthood with the attitude you have is going to lead to a huge shock on your part and/or poor relationships with your child/ren. All the adult children of those 'you should be seen and not heard' parents, how do you think they feel about them now?

Original poster
Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 20:07

I literally asked whether I am being unreasonable to HOPE that it doesn’t HAVE to be this way if I had a child. Ie that it’s not inevitable!

The irony of the judgmental high horsey posters accusing me of being judgmental…

oh and I’ve done tons of babysitting, not all 4 at once, but the difference is without their parents around they can’t cling etc!

OP posts:
Arabellla · 26/12/2023 20:07

Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/12/2023 20:06

Maybe if it's giving you second thoughts about TTC, it might be a good thing. Having children need LOTS of patience. There's LOTS of adjustments that parents make. I guarantee that all of us get impatient and struggle at some point (s), but going into parenthood with the attitude you have is going to lead to a huge shock on your part and/or poor relationships with your child/ren. All the adult children of those 'you should be seen and not heard' parents, how do you think they feel about them now?

Show quote history

None of that gives the parents the right to get pissy at others for talking above a whisper.

It’s Christmas and yet it sounds like it was silent and dark to let the babies sleep.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 26/12/2023 20:08

You said yourself you'd probably be flamed.
So that was an accurate prediction

Original poster
Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 20:09

Hobnobswantshernameback · 26/12/2023 20:08

You said yourself you'd probably be flamed.
So that was an accurate prediction

Because I know MN not because it’s reasonable or necessary or remotely helpful or civil.

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:14

FionnulaTheCooler · 26/12/2023 18:07

They're babies and toddlers, crying, night waking and wanting their mums is entirely normal behaviour for their ages.

This!
OP you’ve made yourself look a bit of a wally tbf

Arabellla · 26/12/2023 20:17

FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:14

This!
OP you’ve made yourself look a bit of a wally tbf

Show quote history

Since OP never said she doesn’t understand why babies and toddlers do those things, I don’t think she’s the wally here.

None of those things excuse these parents dictating to everyone else.

Original poster
Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 20:17

FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:14

This!
OP you’ve made yourself look a bit of a wally tbf

Show quote history

Clearly not, because if your answer to my actual question is that it literally HAS to be like this for EVERY child, other posters disagree with you.

OP posts:
LeggyLegsEleven · 26/12/2023 20:23

DD was hell if she didn’t sleep, so yes I moved heaven and earth to make sure it happened. She was very easy otherwise. The parents are doing this to try and make things easier.
unless you plan to have quads then having 4 kids under 2.5 is not usual. Like others have said, everything is strange and throwing them out. I’m sure at home it’s all much much calmer.

FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:24

Ok let me answer your question then.
Kids are all different, when they are babies and toddlers they can be hard work. They all have their own little quirks and routines. Each individual child on a normal day with their parents can be manageable(ish)

Throw four of them in together, all with their own unique needs and schedules, different attitudes towards parenting (which is allowed) on a day where there is lots going on, noises and big changes and yes… it’s gonna be chaos. Presume these children aren’t all each other’s siblings and therefore aren’t usually all together for the day?

You go to a house with a load of children under 3 and you have to expect it’s gonna be like this. You’ll know not to go next time.

FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:26

You having one child will (hopefully) be much easier than this. But I would take it as food for thought. Your child isn’t going to just slot neatly in to your life. They throw your world upside down. Nothing will prepare you for it. But you will get through it, and one day you’ll be posting on MN and replying to a similar post to this with an entirely different perspective.

Hercisback · 26/12/2023 20:27

You're falling foul of having four different kid schedules and expecting them to align.

The difference between Christmas wirh under 4s and Christmas with over 4s is huge.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 26/12/2023 20:29

Switchingoff · 26/12/2023 20:09

Because I know MN not because it’s reasonable or necessary or remotely helpful or civil.

Show quote history

I don’t think you have done anything wrong posting.

But why post this question here if you really think k that?

MotherofWomen · 26/12/2023 20:31

I’d stop TTC if I were you.

Arabellla · 26/12/2023 20:32

FuckOffTom · 26/12/2023 20:24

Ok let me answer your question then.
Kids are all different, when they are babies and toddlers they can be hard work. They all have their own little quirks and routines. Each individual child on a normal day with their parents can be manageable(ish)

Throw four of them in together, all with their own unique needs and schedules, different attitudes towards parenting (which is allowed) on a day where there is lots going on, noises and big changes and yes… it’s gonna be chaos. Presume these children aren’t all each other’s siblings and therefore aren’t usually all together for the day?

You go to a house with a load of children under 3 and you have to expect it’s gonna be like this. You’ll know not to go next time.

You’ll know not to go next time.

Or maybe the parents should stay home if they’re going to make people stay silent on Christmas Day to let their babies sleep.

Why should the childfree miss out?

bloodyhellKen22 · 26/12/2023 20:33

I suppose I've been lucky in that my DD will fall asleep independently (honestly haven't done anything to achieve this, it's just been luck of the draw), but I certainly wouldn't want her to be woken up from a nap as she'd be a grouch all day. I think it's that feeling of "if they don't sleep, it's game over and the rest of the day will be challenging" which probably makes some parents lose their 💩. I do sometimes feel that my whole life is dictated by my DD nap and meal times and it can feel very restricting. However, some of my friends/family are very go with the flow for naps and meals because that's what works for them. I'm just not a chilled person so wasn't going to be a chilled parent. I think it's up to you. Both schedule and go with the flow parenting have their positive and negatives.

Consideringachange2023 · 26/12/2023 20:33

Oh OP, bless you.

Yes life with young children is 100% like this! If you’re lucky and have hands on family and lots of support and people who will pick up the slack then it doesn’t have to be pure chaos no, but kids under about 4/5 are a law unto themselves.

It doesn’t mean they are “naughty” - that isn’t even a concept to a 2 year old, they are just learning constantly about life and being a massive pain in the arse is just a side effect of that.

Have your baby, keep your expectations low and just enjoy it. They are very annoying but they are also amazing and watching a baby become a person through those first 4 years is truly one of the most rewarding experiences of life (in my experience anyway)