Page 30 | To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

ankara · 2023-12-26T09:02:21+00:00

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing. There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old. None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby. I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit [confused] and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles . Brother just goes along with her. Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

florasmama · 27/12/2023 23:33

GG1986 · 27/12/2023 23:28

My grandma put her knuckle into my babies mouth when he was 4 weeks old?! And MIL used to constantly touch my daughters face with unclean hands. Some people are just so weird when it comes to newborns, they think it's OK to kiss their mouths/faces, touch their faces, pass them around, hold them when they are ill etc. There is a lot more info out there these days about RSV and how dangerous it can be for babies. I think she has every right to put boundaries in place, the sign might be a little over the top, but maybe she doesn't want to repeat herself or have to justify her reasons.

This!

My future MIL kissed DD on the mouth when she was only 2 weeks old. This was upon first meeting and DD cried instantly. FMIL gets a lot of ear infections and was coughing and sneezing the whole time in the same meeting, which is why it came as such a horrific surprise to myself and DP when FMIL chose to do this. She didn't ask, it felt like such a violation. About half an hour later a rash appeared on DD face and my partner and I were so worried we ended up taking her to A&E the following day. Thankfully all okay but risk of illness in unvaccinated, new babies is no bloody joke.

Yazzi · 27/12/2023 23:52

@Calliopespa yeah they're fair points. Sorry for tagging instead of quote-replying- it never works for me!

Katypp · 28/12/2023 00:16

5128gap · 27/12/2023 22:10

Putting up a sign is over dramatic and rude. If she doesn't want anyone touching the baby, she should just say so. I think its a shame for all concerned though when a mother is so controlling and treats her baby as her possession to share out at her whim (and it is that, rather than caution, as its apparantly fine for relatives to hold the child to feed and change it for her!) but it does seem to be a popular bit of power for some these days.

Exactly. It's all about power.

Katypp · 28/12/2023 00:19

florasmama · 27/12/2023 23:33

This!

My future MIL kissed DD on the mouth when she was only 2 weeks old. This was upon first meeting and DD cried instantly. FMIL gets a lot of ear infections and was coughing and sneezing the whole time in the same meeting, which is why it came as such a horrific surprise to myself and DP when FMIL chose to do this. She didn't ask, it felt like such a violation. About half an hour later a rash appeared on DD face and my partner and I were so worried we ended up taking her to A&E the following day. Thankfully all okay but risk of illness in unvaccinated, new babies is no bloody joke.

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Oh for goodness sake! A rash after being kissed that needed a trip to a&e? I've heard it all now. I honestly don't know how people exist on this level of drama. It must be exhausting

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 00:25

florasmama · 27/12/2023 23:33

This!

My future MIL kissed DD on the mouth when she was only 2 weeks old. This was upon first meeting and DD cried instantly. FMIL gets a lot of ear infections and was coughing and sneezing the whole time in the same meeting, which is why it came as such a horrific surprise to myself and DP when FMIL chose to do this. She didn't ask, it felt like such a violation. About half an hour later a rash appeared on DD face and my partner and I were so worried we ended up taking her to A&E the following day. Thankfully all okay but risk of illness in unvaccinated, new babies is no bloody joke.

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What did a&e say, out of interest?

DragonMama3 · 28/12/2023 00:41

PicaK · 26/12/2023 09:10

It is a medical thing. Stops them infecting her baby with colds etc. Are you taking off your outdoor layer, washing hands etc.
Fair play to them. Wish I'd had her balls.

You can't keep germs away. Baby needs to build an immune system not live in a sterile bubble.

florasmama · 28/12/2023 00:42

@Katypp I was a new parent to a 2 week old baby and an aggressive looking rash appeared on her. Her temperament seemed to change quite quickly too. So um, yeah? God I now remember why I rarely post on forums. You follow your rules and I'll follow mine.

florasmama · 28/12/2023 00:46

@Tacotortoise They were super nice and understanding, DD was fine and they told us that we absolutely did the right thing, that it was far more sensible to be safe than sorry and that if we had any further concerns to come back. I don't know if it's the same everywhere but our A&E department has a separate paediatric A&E. I guess we were really lucky to have a very understanding and supportive team available.

florasmama · 28/12/2023 00:51

@Katypp Would also like to add that yes, the anxiety was cripplingly exhausting. DP and I both felt very silly about it afterwards but RSV is a real thing along with other conditions that can seriously impacted an unvaccinated 2 week old baby. We are new to being parents. I wonder if you've ever had moments of worry about anything. Are you actually a parent? My child is so young that I do still feel compelled to check if she's breathing from time to time. Heaven forbid I actually give a shit about my child.

BChanna83 · 28/12/2023 01:09

Mother's perogative I guess.

If its her first baby then new parents are a bit pedantic about these things, we have to respect their wishes I suppose.

Redrosesandsunsets · 28/12/2023 01:27

Y’all know that babies can get herpes from your kissing? The kissing and cuddling you want with newborns is to satisfy yourselves. Relax. Let the parents do what they want and quit imposing on others what y’all want.

BlueSelpress · 28/12/2023 01:41

I'm due soon and I'm doing the same as your SIL. I won't be putting a sign up but my husband and I will definitely be telling everyone we need time, space and they won't be able to touch or kissing our newborn. Obviously this won't the case forever, it's only for a short period of time. Don't take offence.

llizzie · 28/12/2023 03:36

I see nothing wrong with the sign. It states clearly that the baby is not to be touched by visitors. No one knows what the visitors touched before! What would you do, put up a sign, which applies to everyone, no questions invited, or ask each visitor where they have been and to clean their hands before touching the baby?

It saves visitors asking repeatedly to hold the baby. Some visitors can be very insistent, especially those who think they have first dibs at the baby. It saves arguments, and is just what would be in a hospital. Perhaps the mother saw similar in a baby unit?

Mommywomb · 28/12/2023 03:40

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:09

See now, as far as I'm aware new babies have been passed around for inspection/cuddles since forever. Most seem to weather 'big germs' ok. I don't think they ARE that fragile are they?

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The baby is just three weeks so no vaccinations as well- yes! They are very fragile at this age!

and think if op and her children plus all others would be hugging and snuggling the baby taking turns- SIL has guts and us right!
probably a sign is a bit much but May be not if she has to tell that to 15 people in a day etc.

RandomButtons · 28/12/2023 04:03

For everyone who can’t get thier head around it yet. RSV is otherwise known as the common cold. If you’d had a baby in ICU on a ventilator you’d get it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-67828720

“Hospital admissions from a winter virus could be reduced by more than 80% if babies are given a single dose of a new antibody treatment, a study says.
Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) usually causes mild, cold-like symptoms, but can lead to bronchiolitis and pneumonia.
More than 30,000 under fives are hospitalised with RSV in the UK. Resulting in 20 to 30 deaths.”

RSV: Jab for winter virus could cut baby hospitalisations by 80%, study says

More than 30,000 UK children under five are hospitalised with respiratory syncytial virus a year.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-67828720

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2023 04:08

The sign shouldn’t be necessary. If the baby is on the cradle, no one should be reaching their hands in without permission.

not wanting people to potentially upset the baby with random poking is by not the same as saying no baby cuddles.

Lavender14 · 28/12/2023 04:15

sunglassesonthetable · 27/12/2023 22:04

It’s quite amusing to see people declaring it so ridiculous and claiming it has zero medical basis while ignoring the fact that some people have been told when leaving UK hospitals to do it,

Has OP's SiL been told to do it?

This is a good question? Op are you in Ireland? The current guidance is for all new parents to shield babies at the moment because of the increased risk of respiratory problems due to what's circulating rifely at the moment. I can't think of anything worse than trying to navigate having visitors and wanting to see and feel connected to people but also feeling massive responsibility to shield and protect your new baby from illnesses people may not even know that they are carrying yet. Even outside of having ds and worrying about germs for him, I had a section and was really worried about getting a cold and needing to cough. You'd be amazed at the number of people who came to visit slightly under the weather or who said "oh I know you're not meant to kiss wee babies but" while kissing ds on the head. People I genuinely thought would have known better. People really do lose all sense of themselves when presented with a cute baby because the natural response is to want to hold them.

Mamasperspective · 28/12/2023 04:16

You have no entitlement to someone else's baby. It's flu season, covid is going round again and adults can be silent carriers. Be grateful she is letting you visit and stop questioning her decisions as a mother - this is her baby, not yours, you have no automatic right to hold LO. You need to better manage your expectations and stop being unreasonable with this mothers (very sensible) boundaries.

Justforxmas2023 · 28/12/2023 05:18

florasmama · 28/12/2023 00:42

@Katypp I was a new parent to a 2 week old baby and an aggressive looking rash appeared on her. Her temperament seemed to change quite quickly too. So um, yeah? God I now remember why I rarely post on forums. You follow your rules and I'll follow mine.

Honestly wouldn’t bother with replying to this person. She is all over this thread talking about new mums being on power trips and behaving like princesses for wanting to protect their babies.

You obviously did absolutely the right thing taking your little one to A+E to get checked and were doing what any sensible, loving caregiver would do.

Ukrainebaby23 · 28/12/2023 05:57

Imo it's about control, and that's whats different now, people want to control their boundaries and their babies boundaries.
However, I don't think this is the great thing some people believe as my baby, now 17m really thrived from being held by others especially as we are remote from family and friends. Even as a diddly he enjoyed comfort and it never occurred to me to stop family holding him. He is of course very opinionated and will say quite clearly if he doesnt want to be held. Ie he makes his own boundaries, he defo doesn't need me to make them for him.

Justforxmas2023 · 28/12/2023 06:22

florasmama · 27/12/2023 23:15

I mean, the sign sounds a bit extreme but I completely understand SIL wanting to make her boundaries clear. As a fairly new mother to my first child (4 month old DD), I understand the overwhelming anxiety that you feel when you have a baby (first ever) as I would have thought you would too.

You might be disappointed but you are not entitled to hold the baby. The baby does not benefit at all at that tender age and only needs close interaction with their parents/primary caregivers. It may not have been this way 15 odd years ago but times have changed. As always, further research has happened since then and also we are living in a post COVID world now.

The only person who will benefit from that interaction is you. Don’t make it about yourself at this early stage. SIL is probably anxious and knackered and in need of support and understanding at this time. It already feels like a lifetime ago for me, albeit it only a few months, but that first month is exhausting. Truly exhausting. Nobody can ever make you understand what it feels like to first become a parent, you only know when you become one (again, as you must well know) and Jesus christ, I’ve only recently gotten over the exhaustion of it all myself. I feel for her.

This is a very sensible, thoughtful post. I totally agree.

NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting · 28/12/2023 07:22

Wish i had the balls to do what your SIL did when my son was born.

People have NO respect for newborns and boundaries of the family. They feel entitled to kiss, cuddle, not pass back when crying etc and it’s so stressful to navigate when you are fresh out the hospital, sleep deprived etc.

Three weeks ago, we were in hospital with RSV with my son (now 17 months) who was on oxygen. It was terrifying and something I hope we never have to go through again. Luckily, he made a quick recovery and was out after 3 days but sadly, it wasn’t the same story for the 2 week old baby who was in the next room to us.

Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 07:26

Is it possible that these precautions are aimed at one particular relative who might overstep the mark, take over and be a general PITA? If not, you will just have to accept your SIL’s decision.

Benibidibici · 28/12/2023 07:32

New babies are just so precious and fragile and germs really are too big for them

Oh ffs its rubbish!! My baby was 6 weeks prem & weighed sod all and was delightedly passed round both our families.

If people are so bothered about protecting a baby, breastfeeding is a better thing to focus efforts on than telling people they can't cuddle baby.

Justforxmas2023 · 28/12/2023 07:37

Benibidibici · 28/12/2023 07:32

New babies are just so precious and fragile and germs really are too big for them

Oh ffs its rubbish!! My baby was 6 weeks prem & weighed sod all and was delightedly passed round both our families.

If people are so bothered about protecting a baby, breastfeeding is a better thing to focus efforts on than telling people they can't cuddle baby.

Just because you threw caution to the wind and decided to let family pass around your tiny baby doesn’t mean others are happy to take that risk.

As PPs have commented, unfortunately it is RSV season and newborns are especially vulnerable to this and cold sores as well as numerous other pathogens as they have an underdeveloped immune system.

Breastfeeding doesn’t protect against everything - only those germs mum has been exposed and has developed immunity to herself so won’t be effective against new strains.

To use an analogy, you’d be fine 99% of the time to not wear a seatbelt while driving but wouldn’t you rather wear one just in case?