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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
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6
rwalker · 27/12/2023 14:03

Thementalloadisreal · 27/12/2023 13:51

Seems like she probably has some overbearing family members who will ignore her when she says “please leave the baby in the crib he’s fine” “he’s tired don’t pick him up” etc and has resorted to a sign!
I don’t think it’s precious or princess like to want your baby to be held or not held, it’s literally their baby they can do or not do whatever they’re comfortable with. Overbearing family members insisting they know best are infuriating. It isn’t “helping” if it’s not actually helpful to mum / baby! It’s interfering!

If they won’t listen to a direct instruction a sign that they accidentally won’t see won’t be any use

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 14:07

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:01

Have we actually established the family members are selfish and overbearing types who will snatch, grab, sweep or swoop on the baby?
Or are we assuming - as usual - that the only person who knows how to behave is the saintly mother and everyone else hasn't got a clue?

We've certainly established that the OP doesn't like her sister in law; that the OP takes umbrage about something that doesn't affect her in the slightest; that the OP doesn't quite believe that her sister in law has health issues; and that the OP likes to gossip about her sister in law.

Thementalloadisreal · 27/12/2023 14:08

It’s better than nothing

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:15

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 14:07

We've certainly established that the OP doesn't like her sister in law; that the OP takes umbrage about something that doesn't affect her in the slightest; that the OP doesn't quite believe that her sister in law has health issues; and that the OP likes to gossip about her sister in law.

Show quote history

That's not what I asked though

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 14:16

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:01

Have we actually established the family members are selfish and overbearing types who will snatch, grab, sweep or swoop on the baby?
Or are we assuming - as usual - that the only person who knows how to behave is the saintly mother and everyone else hasn't got a clue?

So it is not fine to assume that there have been overbearing relatives or some behaviour that might have made the mother think the sign is necessary but it IS fine to assume that the mother is crazy/princess like/precious?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2023 14:18

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:15

That's not what I asked though

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It's behaviour that we do know about that might be indicative of at least one family member's attitude and approach.

GreyBlackLove · 27/12/2023 14:29

Is the sign because they think verbal instructions would be ignored?

I read your posts as though general cuddles when offered by the parents are fine, but that 3 weeks in the mother prefers herself or her husband to be soothing, changing and feeding. I dont get why that is unreasonable? Especially if she struggled to breastfeed and this is a surprise baby after fertility issues.

The sign is a bit odd, but so is the expectation of changing nappies/soothing the baby when one of the parents is present and able

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:30

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 14:16

So it is not fine to assume that there have been overbearing relatives or some behaviour that might have made the mother think the sign is necessary but it IS fine to assume that the mother is crazy/princess like/precious?

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Well the assumption for the latter is based on the ridiculous sign this thread was about.
I don't think we have been told anything about the rest of the party, have we so can't really assume anything about them.

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 14:49

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:30

Well the assumption for the latter is based on the ridiculous sign this thread was about.
I don't think we have been told anything about the rest of the party, have we so can't really assume anything about them.

Show quote history

I’d argue we know more about the attitude and behaviour of the family members than we do about the mother as all of the above posts are pretty indicative…

phoenixrosehere · 27/12/2023 15:05

Katypp · 27/12/2023 10:38

And? The person in question was trying to help! I really don't understand this martyrdom where on one had you want everyone to acknowledge you are struggling but on the other hand, you push away people trying to help.

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I don’t get why people can’t just offer and let the mum say first instead of assuming what they want which usually seems to be taking baby away from its mum is likely what she wants too.

Wanting to take baby out for a walk may be helpful to some mums, but isn’t to all, especially at three days old.

We’ve seen countless threads where new mums or mums having additional children wanted different kinds of help or no help at all, but often people assumed what they wanted or were put out that the mums didn’t want the type of help offered which often is usually about not getting to do xyz with the baby.

You can acknowledge someone is suffering and ask them what they need and see what they say.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 27/12/2023 17:44

Although maybe a sign is a bit much I am with your SIL with this. Why would anyone pick up another persons baby, family or not without permission. As for kissing absolutely 100% agree with this…… I work with a child who was kissed as a baby and ended up contracting herpes which caused a sever disability.

greenbeansnspinach · 27/12/2023 17:45

I love holding a new baby too! But when I had mine a long time ago, people would just dive in, grab the baby and slobber all over it. I never liked it but you couldn't really say no in those days.
There are a few things these days that are improvements and we need to get used to them x

Abricot1993 · 27/12/2023 17:46

Give her a break. Sign maybe a bit ott but just give her a break. As you say you are not nearby so sounds like there isn’t a huge amount of nearby family support

Lelu2021 · 27/12/2023 17:47

SIL is doing what she wants and you need to respect that. The sign is so she doesn't need to repeat herself and be annoyed which will make her even more tired! Well done to her. You can have your cuddles when it's time.

I had a sickly MIL cuddling my newborn when I got home from the hospital and I wanted nothing more than for her to leave. It's an incredibly unnerving feeling feeling.

Zerosleep · 27/12/2023 17:47

From experience it was like the whole world felt entitled to touch, kiss, cuddle my newborn and I was totally sick of it. Don’t blame her putting a sign up if she feels people will just disregard what she wants. As for her husband, ‘happy wife happy life’ so of course he will respect what she wants. Don’t really see what the issue is, respect what she wants and I guess in time you can have cuddles etc.

BackOfTheMum5net · 27/12/2023 17:47

You are disappointed, but imagine for you would feel if you made the baby ill or worse?

It doesn’t take an awful lot of imagination to figure out why the sign was necessary.

Mittleme · 27/12/2023 17:51

Same with me . I wish I could have done same as your SIL had I known .
because I was ignorant when I had my child , every body was allowed to carry her and in the end some child gave her ringworm which I was totally upset about .

peakygold · 27/12/2023 17:53

By the time she's had her third, the neighbour's dog will trot by and lick the baby's face and mum won't bat an eyelid 😂

SparklingPinot · 27/12/2023 17:54

Yes this is a thing now.
Babies not toys.
mums & babies needs before yours.
YABVU. Be pleased she let you come round at all

Thinkingofthings · 27/12/2023 17:54

Unless there are medical conditions then I think it's bonkers and precious and its actually better for the baby to be well socialised and have lots of cuddles. I sometimes wonder what we have come to as a society that we have become this precious. Good, close relationships with extended family are such a wonderful thing for children.

Foreignmom · 27/12/2023 17:55

Yes I think your SIL is being unreasonable. Close family should be allowed to hold and cuddle and share the joy. Agree with the no kisses if newborn. First time parents are over the top these days. We let all cousins have a go holding (carefully) and interacting. I don’t know why people are so dramatic.

Cazareeto1 · 27/12/2023 17:55

when my youngest was born he was 4 weeks early, my sister travelled up from England to Scotland to come and meet him. She and her 2 year old daughter had the Australia flu which was about at the time. She allowed her daughter snotty nosed to climb in and out of his little Moses basket, putting snot all over it, was only bed I had for him at that point due to his age, sister was insisting on picking him everytime I left the room kissing him. (She had 4 children,3 much older, adults, only one with her) I kept asking her not to hold him due her being so ill, asked her to keep her daughter out of Moses basket, she got offended and left to stay with another family member. My baby boy became unresponsive and had to be rushed to hospital where he spent 2 weeks in intensive care!! No babies do not do well with flus and peoples bugs! She has sign up because family do not listen and will lift and hold them when they think you don’t know and use the excuse they where crying even when they are not! I think she is completely in the right going by my experience! You should respect her boundaries and stop making it about you! You are being completely selfish! You have your babies and got new born stages, this is their child and their boundaries! They do not want a sickly baby or someone who has the cold sore virus kissing their baby! Sorry but grow up and get real! This a baby with no immune system you need to get real on how quickly and how sick babies can get, I nearly lost my baby because of ppl like you! Who came ill to see a new born instead of cancelling the visit until better. Don’t be a asshole!

Ammi2one · 27/12/2023 17:57

Im with your SIL. Fair play and good on her for asserting her wishes as people are way too quick to think they know better.

Segway16 · 27/12/2023 17:58

Jesus. It’s ridiculous. Agree to no kissing and no picking up baby without checking / being offered. But otherwise absolutely ridiculous.

celticprincess · 27/12/2023 17:59

It seems to have become a ‘thing’ since Covid from what I can tell. My youngest is 11 and all of us who had babies around that time would have been passing them around family for cuddles and photos. It was an expectation. I’m not saying that it’s right to expect a baby to be passed for cuddles but it was just that only 10 years ago. I noticed that around the time of Covid there were a lot of posts about new parents not wanting to pass babies around.